We noticed that they had moved in about 3 weeks ago, just a few days after we ourselves had moved in… but for one reason or another (we are lazy, lazy, human beings) we decided not to do anything about it. I don’t even think it came up in conversation until the day that there were over fifty in a swarm on our kitchen counter and they could no longer be completely ignored.

Even then, we sprayed them with a bit of Windex, because that’s what we had available, and we went on with our day.

A few days later, I went to the pantry to get some cereal for a midnight snack.

They had gotten to it first. They were devouring our delicious granola cereal. Those nasty, selfish, tiny little vicious creatures had ruined my cheat food of the week.

Still, we didn’t take action. Oh sure, we threw out the food that they had taken over and we moved the rest of our food to a counter across the room, but I guess at that point we decided that we would give this new co-habitation one more shot. And also, did I mention that we are lazy?

But in the last week or so the situation has gotten exponentially worse. They have multiplied and migrated to other areas of the house. They’ve taken over my bedside table where the 5 empty glasses of wine from the last week have been sitting. I could probably let that slide. Hey! They have good taste.

Only it turns out, not so much. They’ve also taken over my bathroom, and I mean taken over. Every time I sit down to pee, which takes all of 30 seconds, these tiny little bastards scatter like zombies (fast-moving 28 Days Later zombies, not the ones from The Night of the Living Dead) and inevitably at least 5 make it up my thigh. I then spend at least 10 minutes of my precious time on my knees in my bathroom with a wad of toilet paper, squishing the shit out of as many of those little fuckers as I possibly can. It’s like a miniature game of Whack a Mole.

I’ve finally come to the end of my rope. We got off our asses… or actually… picked up our phone and called the land lord to inform him of our new, unwanted house guests.

4 days later he came over bearing poison and traps. They don’t seem to be working though. They are still running around and ruining my existence.

 In other scary news, this weekend I saw the most terrifying thing of my life. Even more terrifying than the time that I was lying on the cold floor taking a hangover-power-nap, and I opened my eyes to find that my roommate was standing over me in her bathrobe, legs spread. I saw her beating heart, I swear. It was funny later, but at the time I was scarred.

Anyhoohoo, my sister and I went out to my family’s ranch to go fishing and such. At the time, we were actually letting her pet turtle go in the creek, because she has this thing about keeping animals in captivity until they are full-grown and accustomed to snacking on chocolate and fresh strawberries, and then deciding that life would be better for the animal if she sent them out into the wild to let them try to fend for themselves.

So there we were, watching Rex the turtle sit in the exact same spot on the bank of the creek for forty-five minutes. My sister tried to coax him into the creek by throwing weiners into the water (which my dog promptly jumped in and ate) and saying things like “Go on Rexy, go into the water… you’ll love your new home.” We were fully engrossed in watching the turtle do nothing, when all of a sudden we heard a loud swoosh.

We both looked up just in time to see it  submerge from the water in all of it’s horrifying glory. I still don’t know what “it” was, but I’m telling you- it wasn’t a creature of God.

It was furry, at least four feet long,  had a very long tail, and I swear I saw red eyes and giant fangs. It only came out of the water for a split second, but it was enough to make me nearly drop my video camera in the water, and even my non-swearing sister said “Holy fuck what was that!!???”

After the initial panic ceased, I came to the conclusion that our eyes had been blessed with seeing a mythical water chupacabra.

But my sister? She said “maybe it was a sea lion.” In a fresh water creek.

Who knows though. Her guess was as good as mine.

Last week, I asked you, my dear readers, to give some requests for dares that I said I would complete on this blog. While I have to admit, the one I want to complete the most (dressing up as Cookie Monster and scaring girl scouts) is still at the top of the list, but I have not yet been able to find a costume that would make me look anything remotely like Cookie Monster.  If you have any ideas please let me know.

For this reason,  I have decided to stick with the first dare that was given to me for my first attempt. This particular dare was submitted by my good friend KT (you crazy, hateful, woman.) When I first told her about my truth or dare idea over g-chat, she asked me to eat an entire box of altoids in one sitting. Her reason? Because I love mints and am constantly trying to push them on everyone. My reply? Only if your breath be stankin!

I’m really scared about this one, but I’m not one to turn down a dare. Wait. Do altoids hurt your stomach? They kinda look like tums, so I’m just going to pretend that is what they are…

Here. We. Go.

**The video/audio/lighting/AND MY HAIR is extremely poor quality. Please excuse all of these.  ESPECIALLY THE HAIR! IT LOOKS LIKE ALPHA ALPHA!!! I DON”T KNOW WHY LA DIDN”T STOP ME!

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The outcome? I did it! My nose is running and my wine doesn’t taste very good, but all in all it wasn’t as difficult as I had imagined. I also think I should get a pass for brushing my teeth for a week. Just kidding… kinda.

Also, while these curiously strong  mints are only 10 calories per 25 of those suckas, the whole box comes out to a whole 250 calories. So it looks like I’m gonna have to do a few extra laps this week.

I think my boyfriend John Cusack would be proud.

If you would like to suggest another DARE or TRUTH for that matter, do it, do it, do it in the comments!

Holy Friday Batman. This week went by so quickly that I haven’t even had a chance to watch Chuck from two Monday’s ago. Maybe even 3 weeks ago. I can’t even keep track of tv anymore.

Not that I’m complaining or anything. I’m all about the quick work-week. Except that I really wish that I could slow my evenings down a little bit. I have so much to do but I seem to keep finding a thousand-million other things to do to avoid the things I actually have to do.

It doesn’t help much that the Oscars are coming up in a couple weeks. I am so behind on my goal to see every movie  nominated in all the major categories that I’m 100,000% sure that it’s not going to happen this year, which is disappointing…. but I’m not giving up without a good college try. Thank you life. This is the first time in 3 years that it won’t happen.

Then add in the fact that it’s the time of year that all the best bands are coming to town, and I’m super screwed for time. Not that I’ll actually get to see most of the shows due to lack of funds, but thanks to Julie, I’ve recently gotten addicted to listening to bands who are coming to town on LaLa.com. It’s an awesome site, but it’s sucking up all of my free time and all of my money 10 cents at a time. If you are a member- be sure to let me know so I can follow you and waste a bajillion more hours listening to all of the songs that you like.

Of course there’s also the big huge purple Woolly Mammoth in the room. What’s that? Oh yeah. I’m moving in a week.

Like. Woah.

I’ve been avoiding this like I avoid bathing suit season. I pretend like it’s just not going to happen and I avoid doing anything to get ready for it.

I haven’t done a single thing to prepare save pay my deposit for the new place. I haven’t gotten boxes. I haven’t found a bed. We still don’t have a refrigerator. I don’t even know how I’m going to get all of my stuff from point A to point B… and the two points are not very close together.

I think the reason that I’m not stressing too hard is because I have moved nearly every year since I started college (9 freaking years ago,) and it always seems to get done.

There was only one house that I lived in for more than a year and ***sighhhhhhhhh I miss that place dearly.

It was my last two years of college. My friend Kt and I lived in this little yellow house with a red door that we dubbed the “Anna St. house”  because it was on Anna St. We are real creative like that. It could have also easily been dubbed “Neighborhood Soup Kitchen” or “House of a thousand roaches,” but I loved it whatever it was called.

We painted each room a different color. Kt’s room was light blue, and mine was purple. We painted the bathroom bright pink. We covered our antique fridge with pictures of our favorite classic movie stars.

There was no central air or any heat… period, which meant that during the winters we usually brought both of our space heaters into the living room and made a super pallet on the wood floor. There was one winter when we had at least three of our homeless friends living with us and we literally did have what felt like a soup-kitchen. We made huge vats of tortilla soup, bundled up in layers of sweats, and watched movie after movie cuddled up on the floor.

Did I mention that we didn’t have cable or internet? We survived playing board games and watching VHS tapes and Friends DVDs and the entire bootleg series of Seinfeld that showed up on our doorstep one day unannounced. Our electricity was cut off every other month, and we went a few months without hot water. We also had a jungle in our back yard. Whenever I would let Stella out, I could tell where she was by watching the bamboo sway. And I wasn’t kidding about the roaches. We also had period of time when we had a plethora of fleas and rats.

Regardless, that house is one of the only places that I have ever really been able to call home since I left the house I grew up in.

Until now.

Even though we’ve moved houses, I’ve lived with the same 4 people for the last two years and I am going to miss this them a ton. I know we’ll still see each other plenty, but it’s weird living with friends for so long and then all of a sudden they are not part of your daily ritual. On the other hand, it will be nice to not live with so many people,and I’m really excited about living with my bff LA.  It’s so bittersweet, this move.

Ok enough sappiness. I’m ready to start my- what I hope to be a productive weekend- with a smile.

But before any productivity begins, my friend Moops and I are attending a Nirvana cover band concert tomorrow night at House of Blues. I keep winning these concert tickets from the Dallas Observer, and it’s awesome!

Expect a full review next week. At some point. If I even have a second to write. Expect a few words about it at the least.

And speaking of Moops, he has really been wanting to start a blog. This is my friend who inspired all of this, and he’s the guy I know who is most likely to leave a bar naked. It’s only natural that he will want to share these incidents with the world.

Can we offer him a little encouragement to actually get it started?? I have already set up the Blogspot for him, and he has plenty of entertaining material, and you will all love him… so maybe in the comments tell him how much you would like to read his blog and he will FINALLY do this!!!

YAYYYY!! Thank you honey bunches of oats and have a Hollywood weekend, on me!

Loves you! And my boyfriend John Cusack does too!!

First of all, I am going to go ahead and offer an upfront apology for my bloghavior for the next few weeks. The last few months have been pretty low-key for me but I’m starting to get involved in a few things that are probably going to keep me from writing and commenting as much as I’d like to, plus I’m going to be packing and moving and such (which is no easy task for me.) But please know I’m still reading, and hopefully I’ll have more time than I’m anticipating!!

I’m  feeling a little overwhelmed about it all, but on the upside, I think I did finally find a place to live!!

Oh sure, I still need a few things… like a bed, a washer, a refrigerator, and oh, I dunno… Maybe 5000 dollars or so.

I’m trying to do things a little different this time around. Meaning, this time when I pack, I’m going to attempt to actually use boxes rather than just throwing random things in huge trash bags. I think I could benefit from a little (read: A ton) of organization in my life. I’m thinking it will go along nicely with my new “positive thinking” way of mind.

Oh you’re just dying to know about my weekend aren’t you? Well… fine then.

On Friday my comedy troupe went on a little comedy field trip to Fort Worth to one of my favorite places in all the land,  Four Day Weekend. If you live even remotely in the area you need to go and check out this amazing improv troupe. It was kind of weird. I hadn’t been back there in about 3  years, but that’s where I started out trying out this comedy business (holy shit it’s been a long time) nearly 8 years ago. I was quite the awkward performer back then… Not that I’m not sometimes now… but wow.

I think I can owe a lot to those awkward years though. I learned to put myself in uncomfortable experiences, to spend time and group-think with people I didn’t know, and nearly every week after class I learned to really, really enjoy going to the movies by myself.

Saturday, after a grueling day of house hunting, LA and I treated ourselves to a night out at a Bob Schneider concert. I drank too much and did a few foolish things that I will choose not to remember,  but overall, it was a pretty kick-ass time.

And if you do not yet know the glory that is Bob Schneider, do yourselves a favor and check him out.

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Plus we saw a dude that looked exactly like a young version of Bob Ross. (RIP) I spent nearly 30 minutes contemplating how long it took him to prepare his hair, and it is still on my mind so now I’m all full of regrets for not asking him about it.

Is it just me, or does just thinking of that guy calm your soul?

Sighhhhhh

The only other person in the world who can induce such a state of tranquility to my crazy brain…

Ahhh… yeah, Levar Burton. That’s what I’m talking about. Throw in a few candles, some string cheese, some good tunes, a bottle of wine- and I’m straight-up in my happy place.

Oh and yay!! Check out my story in the Matador Network! Thanks Candice!!

I’ve been thinking a lot the last few weeks about what I want my New Years Resolutions to be. I know, I know… once again I’m super late- but it’s better late than never, right?

So I’ve been thinking of a few goals/things I want to do/things I want to do less of in 2010.

Here we go:

*Drink less. I don’t mean anything drastic like quit or anything… because come one look who you’re talking to. But I do want to lead a healthier life style, and in order to do so (both physically and mentally) I figure I need to start to make more mature choices. Or rather not do as many stupid things. Because as funny as I think it is that I fell off the stage doing karaoke, even I know that is not something a 27 year old should be boasting about on the internets. However, I don’t intend to stop singing in public. That’ll never happen. Butttttt I am kicking off the year with a week of not drinking. Not at all. I’m no alchy, but I do enjoy my glass or two of wine a night. I’ll be completely honest, I probably wouldn’t start so drastically if it weren’t for the antibiotics that I am on, but it was an incintive to actually get started!

** I must note, so that you can anticipate, that very soon after my week of non-drinking is over- my new pal Austin over at Fake British Accent (check him out) and I are planning a very special blogging/drinking adventure. It will all be documented here. and there. More details coming soon, but it is certain to be an adventure.

*Read more. I have always been an avid reader, but somewhere along the last few years I have really been a slacker. I’m not even trying to set lofty reading goals here… I’ll be happy if I can get a few Jane Green or Dean Koontz novels in a month. Or if you have any suggestions for books that you love, feel free to share.

*Stick with the diet. You guys, I have really come so far. 112 lbs lost now since September 2008. I’m actually happy with my weight now, for the most part. Now I want to tone up, tone up, tone up! N0one likes a pair of saddle-bags, and I’m pretty sure I’ve been sporting some silly since my weight loss.

*Go to the frickin dentist. I won’t even admit to you how long I have been putting this off. I mean really, I am a disgusting person. I take good enough care of em, I mean I always brush at least  once twice a day and I floss every night, but still… I know for a fact I have at least one cavity. In all other areas of my health I’ve grown to actually like going to the doctor to put myself at ease. Like last week, when I found out my cancer was just a cold. Stuff like that. Maybe I’ve just seen “Little Shop of Horrors” too many times and have developed a severe case of dentistphoobia, (woah spell check didn’t tell me that word is wrong) but I need to kick it now!!

*Learn to drive these Chev-rolegs. I walk, do the elliptical, and even do spin class pretty regularly, but I’ve never been a runner. Nor do I intend to be… but after cheering on my friends at their half-marathon a few weeks ago, I figure I at least have a 5K in me.

*Get John Cusack to recognize the fact that he has no choice but to be my boyfriend. You may be getting tired of this, but I’m not gonna stop until I’m at the top of the google search for “John Cusack’s Girlfriend.”

That’s enough for me to fail at I think. Actually I think these are mostly doable. Except for maybe the running thing. The John Cusack thing is totally doable.

Oh, and one more thing that I think is gonna be kind of a toughie. I know I’ve said it before, but for the most part- I really don’t care what people think of me. I know I’m a big weirdo and people either love or hate me and that’s fine, but I think I gotta work on this crazy head. Near the end of last year, (you may have noticed from a series of debbie-downer posts) I went through a bout of semi-depression and woah’s me talk. Along with a bunch of shit that’s been goin on in my life, I started to get a little insecure with the way my life was going. I have never been like that. I started getting upset that I haven’t met any of my long-time life goals (becoming a SNL writer) or that I don’t even really have a clear plan. I’ve started to see a lot of my friends get married and have children, and they all seem to know exactly what they want out of their lives. I swear I’m not jealous of where they are or what they are doing, but I am a little jealous that they KNOW what they want to do.

I have come to the realization that maybe not having a plan is my plan. I think it is my path. I know I do need to keep with goals, but I also know that I would probably freak out if I got into a career that I couldn’t get out of. Maybe this sounds silly. Maybe it is silly. But it makes sense in my crazy head!

On top of that, I also have to realize that everyone just thinks differently. I think I spend too much time trying to get into people’s heads and figure out why they do what they do, or don’t do the things I want them to do. Just as I can look back at my last year and question some of the decisions and choices that I made, I know that I won’t ever be able to figure people out. People do what they need to do at the time, sometimes without a rhyme or reason. I guess they are kind of like piss in the wind.

And I think I can come to terms with that. Whatever will be, will be. Whatever happens, happens. And the 4o other ways there are to say that. I’m gonna learn to be cool with it and not let it drive me nutso.

So yeah, not sure if that makes sense, but I had to get that out there.

So here’s (cheers with my water) to a New Year. A successful one. One full of laughs and not so many tears. To you new friends and old ones to!

____

And on a completely different note, I’ve been thinking a little bit about the future of my blog. I’m  close to 200 posts and will hit my 6 month bloggaversary in a few weeks, and I want to try something a little different. I have often been told that I have a story for pretty much every subject (that’s just my life) so I think in order to get me writing about things other than John Cusack, I would like to ask you to do a little blog assignment.  I give you dear readers, the task of asking me any questions you want to know about little ole me (and I will answer with complete honesty unless you’re a dick) , stories you would like to hear extended versions of (My 100 things post might give you some ideas,) or any other subject matter that you would like to know my opinion on (or a poem about)…. and if I don’t have an opinion on the matter, I’ll get one!!! Just send an email to me at carissajade@gmail.com, or pop it off my comments. Thanks and I love you guys!

I also plan on doing a giveaway in the next few weeks, so keep your eyes open. I promise I won’t be giving away one of my decopauge art peices. Unless you want one I could decopauge something of your request.

What in the hell Ouiser?? (I just googled this and found that this is not actually a quote from Steel Magnolias. So I’ve been quoting a non-existent quote for like 15 years? My bad!)

Aren’t we supposed to have flying cars and pet robots by now? Or at least a freaking hover board. But that would probably be just one more thing for me to get hurt on. Although if one is invented before I die, even if I am 98 years old- I swear I will complete my life long goal of hover boarding whilst holding on to the back of a car, a la Marty McFly.

I know you’ve already been reading 5 days worth of people posting about the new year and what-not, so sue me- I’ve been a huge blog slacker. I’ve been crazy-busy the last few weeks, livin and lovin life- but I promise that I will try to be a more dedicated this new year! I’m trying to think of where to even begin summarizing the last few weeks, and I’m not sure I can. I think my brain is still on vacation, so it’s probably a really good thing that I’m starting back with a “lite” post.

I’ll try.

A really really quick update on my last two weeks. If you are a facebook friend you probably already know most of this. And if you aren’t, well then you should be!!

Went to Waco for Christmas. Christmas shopped on the day before Christmas Eve. Snuggled with my Stella bear puppy dog who still smells of cow manure. Stella has become a farm dog living out at the farm with my dad for the last few months, and she loves that cow poo! Tried to not rip my ears off after a few hours of listening to my mom’s frickin cockatoo. Bought myself things I thought I needed but wouldn’t get for Christmas (like 500 Days of Summer, it was a must!) Went on a long walk with my dad and danced nearly the whole way. I like to dance on my walks. It’s also a fun and easy way to embarrass family members. Ate about 4 lbs of my dad’s home-made spicy beef Jerky. It’s the shits! Quite literally, I’m afraid… but it’s deliciously worth it. I seriously used to sell this stuff in high school. Ate about 20 lbs of other food. And then another 10 more the next day. At least I worked out that one time. Went to see Nine. meh. Which was really disappointing because there is nothing I love nothing more than a good musical.  Played some Croquet with the fam. Drank  A LOT of wine. Got woken up at 8 am on  Christmas morning by all my aunts and uncles Christmas caroling at the bedroom door. Met up with an old friend and watched some good movies. Went back to work for like 2 days. Went to Ft. Worth for New Years Eve. I drank a little and wore high heels, but came out of the night without a major head injury! Got a cold and spent 3 hours in the waiting room at Primacare. Had to listen to an old guy talk about the 9 loves of his life, and how he used to look just like Tony Danza. Went to my college town for yet another Sunday Funday!

I know you’ve been dying to know what I’ve been up to, so there you have it.

In other news, I’ve gotten a few hits lately from people google searching “John Cusack‘s girlfriend. YAHHHHOOOOOOOOO. So you know what this means don’t you? There is a possibility that I can get the whole internet to believe that I actually am, in fact, John Cusack’s girlfriend, and maybe he will find out about it and figure since the whole world already thinks we are together, he’ll say “what the heck I guess it’s time to settle down, I’m not getting any younger,” and then we’ll live happily ever after.

At least that’s how I imagine it happening.

And now- I’ll bring on the post its hosted by SupahMommy. For many more great post-its check out her blog!!

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And on a completely unrelated yet still I feel like posting it topic. I fucking love this song. I’ve had Ra Ra Riot’s album floating around on my ipod for a few months now, but usually just skip over them thinking they sound like Vampire Weekend wannabees. But after this song popped up a few days in a row, I figured I’d give then a proper chance… and yeah?! Ear candy! Like reeses peanut butter cups or something.

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Make sure you check out Lilu’s site, and check out her TMI Thursday archives for all sorts of hilarity!

Ok guys, so I have been incredibly scared to try out this “Vlog” nonsense, but I finally caved in… partially due to the fact that I was too lazy to actually write anything. So now I present to you myself, in all my glory  (wearing my pajamas and no makeup except for wine lipstick) telling yet another embarrassing story of my life.

I may not ever do this again, so please enjoy.

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I accidentally published this before I was ready, I’m an idiot.

Today I’m doing my first guest TMI post ever over at one of my favorite bloggers and new-found friend Tricia’s page, One Step to Recovery; One giant Step to OMG. Please head over there and show both of us some love, and make sure you read some of Tricia’s past posts and follow her blog! You won’t regret it, she is entertaining, honest, and completely made of awesome!

And speaking of guest posts… I have no idea how, but my best friend LA has yet again talked me into letting her post another TMI post ABOUT ME. I thought that she had already shared the most embarrassing “shit” she had in her vault (about the time I shit all in her car) but it turns out- I don’t remember my own embarrassing stories very well. So without further adoodoo, I hand the mic over to LA, and I’m gonna go cry and eat a bag of oreos.

As Lilu always says: ***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

Make sure you check out Lilu’s site today for her special post secret TMI edition, and check out her TMI Thursday archives for all sorts of hilarity!

Hola friends of Carissajaded,

This is now my second attempt at a guest blog for Carissajaded, and let’s hope this one reads a little better than the last. My previous entry may have been written on the eve of my birthday after a bit of celebrating.

I think that it has been said before that CJ and I have a bit of an “unhealthy” relationship. I may even have a broken engagement to show for it… my bad. Regardless, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. That being said, there have been a few instances when that line between being mere friends, and the things that you only tell/do/keep to yourself has been crossed. This is definitely an example of that.

It was long time ago in college when this incident took place. In those days we were busy drinking, eating, smoking, staying up late and doing countless other things to our bodies that don’t exactly bode well for a healthy digestive system. It was one Sunday in particular where it seemed that the deadly combination of the aforementioned vices had finally taken their toll on a certain somebody’s already delicate digestive track. Here’s a snippet of the things anyone could have heard throughout our apartment on that afternoon:

“Uuuuughhh, my stomach”.

“I feel soooo bloated”.

“Why can’t I poop”?

“Stop farting in my room and running away”!

You know, the usual things that you’re thinking in your head when a case of constipation comes your way, but that you choose not to say out loud – because it’s disgusting and generally bad manners. The scene was really that of a bad Pepto Bismol commercial…Or in this instance, Fleet.

After an entire day of the groaning, I couldn’t take it anymore. You see, in our relationship, my role is that of the doctor. CJ complains about an ailment, and I decisively give her my diagnosis (nothing is wrong) and my suggested treatment (drink a glass of wine). Most of the time Half the time I have no idea what I am talking about, but when your bff is a ridiculously paranoid hypochondriac, you learn to fake it. In this case however, I was right. I knew what needed to be done and I said it.

An enema.

Yes friends, that is a 5 letter word that no one wants to hear, but it had to be said. After a little convincing about how they are actually a very useful tool that doctors recommend for good colon health, she decided it was her only option. Off to CVS we went.

About an hour later – because for some reason neither of us can step foot in a CVS without spending AT LEAST that amount of time looking at all the “As seen on TV” merchandise and fake eyelashes – we were home. We chose my bathroom as the best option for the deed because I had the master which could be closed off to the rest of the apartment, and also I could shut the inner bathroom door between us. My role was, once again, that of the doctor. I stood on the other side of the door yelling out the instructions of how to assume the proper position (looks very similar to another position that is dirty in a completely more pleasurable kind of way) and administer the “medication.”

She was there. She was in the home stretch. All necessary components were, for lack of a better term, in place. But she froze.

I could hear crying from the other side of the door…  All I could hear in-between the mostly inaudible sobs was, “I can’t do it”. *sobbbbbbb “Please, help me”.

All I could think was, why God, why? Why hast thou forsaken me?

For those of you who don’t know CJ, she would have stayed in that position in my bathroom all night. It’s a rare combination of stubbornness and fear, but when she gets in that state, she’s liable to stay there… forever.

I knew this. I also knew I had to pee. So what did I do? I took a deep breath and I entered the bathroom.

The least she could have done was shift positions so I didn’t walk right into it, but no. There she was in all her glory – assuming the position that I had, just minutes before described to her from the other side of that door. What I would have given to have been back on the other side of that door. The “applicator” was facing me and I knew what had to be done.

I calmly stepped towards her, all the while soothing her with my voice. I described what I was about to do, and with my head half turned and only one eye open…I squeezed. The worst part about it is that you have to do it slowly, and you have to ensure that the bottle’s entire contents are used. After what seemed like the longest 10 seconds of my life, I ran screaming from the bathroom. I left the applicator right where I’d found it.

And that was it. My job was over. My duty – no pun intended – complete.

I can’t say I am proud of what I did, but I am a friend. However, CJ, if you ever need help with something like that again, please call someone else.

First, off- I highly implore you to head over to That Kind Of Girl’s site and check out her giveaway. If you’re not currently following her blog, you need to do that as well!! I can’t say enough good things about this girl!

Every year on Christmas Eve,  I used to wait up and try and catch a glimpse of Santa Clause…

In fact, I still try sometimes.

I have never  seen Santa Clause. I did see my dad putting my presents on the couch a couple times though. I think he felt bad that Santa didn’t come for me, so he decided to pretend he was  Santa to make me feel better, since as far as he was concerned- I was a well-behaved kid.

I’m pretty sure I was ex-ed off the “Nice” list many years ago, and though I’ve tried to be a good person, he must have decided to keep me on the “naughty” list.

The last few days I’ve been racking my brain about all the bad things I may have done throughout my life that may have gotten me exiled off of Santa’s good kid list.

I figure if I finally come clean, he’ll put be back on.

Here’s the short list:

*I have been mean to people behind there backs. As a rule, I really really try hard not to talk shit. I don’t want shit talked about me behind my back, so I don’t do so to others. But I do remember one time, back when everyone used 3-way calling (in Jr. High) when I said some really mean things about a boy who liked me. Unbeknown to be, he was on the phone listening in. I may have said something along the lines of  “Ewwww I don’t like him… he has pimples and is fat!” But if it makes things any better, I felt reallllly bad about it, and still do.

*That may have not been the only time I talked bad about someone or gossiped…

*In Jr. High I even helped coordinate a slam-book, and when I got called into the principal’s office- I denied, denied, denied.

*I think I may have been responsible for the death of a hamster. I threw it in the air and it got caught behind my bed where it was squished to death.

* My car has also been responsible for the deaths of other animals. Oh that’s not all. Does it still count if it wasn’t on purpose??

*I’ve accidentally “stolen” things from my friends and family. This weekend when I was at my friend LA’s house, she couldn’t find her navy sweater. I admitted that I accidentally took it home, but I told her that I hadn’t worn it, although I did wear it just the day before. I also took my mom’s glow-in-the-dark bug necklace last weekend. And her zombie skeleton necklace. But with the full intention of giving them back.

* I have been mean to people for no reason at all. One time in particular that I remember. When I was young, my mother put me in a few “beauty pageants.” I hated those things. I still can’t stand the scent of hairspray. Anyways, I never actually won anything for my “beauty,” but I did win a few awards- they were mostly for things such as “Best Personality.” I remember once I had a family friend over to play. She wanted to wear one of my crowns, and I told her she wasn’t pretty enough. I was only about 7 years old, but I still remember it. Even back then I knew that was one reason Santa didn’t come for me. That, and I didn’t have a chimney.

*I sneak things into the movie theater, and sometimes sneak into movies. I am a cheap-ass. I figure if I’m paying $9.00 for a movie, they should owe me the courtesy of letting me bring in my own snacks.  My roommates and I have even gone so far as to do extensive research to find out what kind of wine and plastic cups the Angelika uses, so that we can bring in our own booze. Sometimes I even go to up to three movies, when I only pay for one ticket. I’m basically a criminal.

*I’ve also been guilty of watching streaming movies on line before they were released on video. But I’ll probably get arrested for mentioning this so I won’t.

* I used to be mean to my little sister. I used to tell my little sister that there was a ghost who came out in a certain room at my grandparent’s house every day at 1:00. I would wait until I heard the clock strike one, then I would push her in there and hold the door closed while she went into panic mode.

*I skipped many classes in college. I probably could have graduated a year earlier if I really tried. I probably wasted a lot of mine (and my parent’s) money.

*I used to use my dad’s Texaco card for things other than gas. My dad probably paid for a good thirty-five cases of Keystone Light and about 100 bags of beef jerky back in my college days.

*I peed in the water cooler. I’ve already admitted to on Lilu’s post secret TMI Thursday post secret addition, but I figure since I’m trying to get gifts to come clean for my own consciousness’s sake, I might as well admit it here too. To be fair, it was empty, I wasn’t the only one, and it was on a dare.

*I may have been slightly naughty this past weekend, but I don’t want to go into details about that…

*I may have been naughty two weeks before that too… also not gonna talk about it.

*Ok. There have been lots and lots of times I have been “naughty” in my life that I am not going to talk about on my blog, unless it’s a TMI post or something.

*Fuck!!!! If I really  think about it, I’ve been a bad, bad girl.

*Who has overdrawn bank accounts.

*Who presses ignore on her phone out of laziness.

*Who has promised to see movies with people, then went with someone else, and then went again pretending it was the first time.

*Who has pretended to be a “flake” on occasion, when really I just didn’t want to go somewhere.

*Who has called in sick to work when she was hungover.

*Who has a fucking potty mouth every now and then.

Dear Santa,

If you’re out there reading, please forgive all my wrong doings. I know I’ve been real bad and I’m quite sorry. If you would be so kind to take me off the naughty list, I promise I will try to be a better girl next year. I don’t even want anything for Christmas this y ear. Unless of course you’d be so kind as to spare me some cash so I can go skiing with my friends. And maybe a new pair of running shoes because my current ones nearly have holes in the toes. And perhaps a new bed, as I am moving in a few months and don’t own my own. And if you could pay off my tv that would be great. I could also use a new hair straightener, a Chi to be precise… if of course that’s not too much to ask. If you don’t mind, I’ve also really been wanting the last two seasons of Scrubs and the entire series of It’s Always Sunny, since someone stole mine. I also would LOVE not to have to buy my own digital camcorder and editing equiptment. You know what? Go ahead and throw in health insurance; a new car; an iphone… or at least a Blackberry; a new laptop (Apple;) and heck, while we’re at it, a really nice, funny,  smart, and good looking boyfriend.

You know, since you’ve missed out on all these years of giving me things.

Thanks bunches of oats,

Carissajaded

I know everyone is all in the Thanksgiving mood and getting ready to get in the Christmas spirit, but since Hobby Lobby has had their Christmas decorations up for four months now, I figure I’d better go ahead and get a head start on New Years.

2 years ago my New Years Resolution was to be less  of a flake (which was mostly a success) and last year I decided to be more committed to appreciating the culture of my city, (at which I miserably failed.) This year I have been wanting to have another go at inner-self improvement, but I had been having a difficult time figuring out what I would like to improve, until recently.

Actually, there have been a few things that have made me realize that there is something about myself that I want to change. I feel like all the signs are pointing to it, and maybe January 1st is the time to do so (or maybe I’ve already started.) Either way, I should really do something about it for the better.

I think I need to be a little less snobby.

Wait, wait! Don’t get the wrong idea… It’s not like I go around judging everyone or anything. And I want to change!!!

I don’t think I’m better than anyone, quite the opposite actually…I’m not the smartest person, I don’t have the nicest things, I’m not the funniest, I’m not the best at anything really, and I’m ok with that!! It’s just that I sometimes feel… like I might have the best taste in all things in the world!

I’m talking everything! I love the best movies, music, T.V. shows, vintage clothing, comedy… Don’t even try to tell me otherwise, because you’re wrong.

My friends have been telling me for years that my taste is not the end all be all of tastes, and that is fine. I don’t love my friends any less because they aren’t obsessed with the Beatles, or because they don’t like to sing Meatloaf at karaoke, or because their favorite movie is Drive Me Crazy (I love you  Amber,) or because they like Grey’s Anatomy.  It honestly doesn’t bother me that my close friends don’t all share my same interests, as long as there are some people out there with which I can have a common bond of my favorite things. And as long as my friends realize that though they may hold different opinions that me, mine are far superior.

I think I’ve already told y’all that this weekend my sister and I went to go to see “Where the Wild Things Are.” We have seen probably a million movies together in our lifetime, and the same thing always happens. Every time I am finding myself grinning with pleasure or laughing my ass off,  I look over at my sister and my heart fills with dismay when I see that she isn’t having the same reaction. After this particular movie I started to grill her, just as I always do.

CJ: “Sooo.. Didnt you LOVE it!? Oh my gosh, I really liked it!!”

Sis: “Yeahh… I mean… it was alright…”

CJ: “Um… ALRIGHT??? You do realize that was a Spike Jonze movie don’t you??? The same guy who directed Adaptation, the best movie of ALL time!! And even if it wasn’t the BEST movie in the world, you had to have enjoyed it…. You enjoyed it didn’t you ??? You didn’t even laugh once!”

Sis: ” Yeah… I told you… it was ok, just not my favorite! And I didn’t think it was funny…”

CJ: “Well!! You obviously have no taste!! You don’t think ANYTHING is funny! I bet you don’t even like Steve Martin!”

And then she let me have it.

She told me that just because I like something doesn’t mean everyone else does, (duh) and that sometimes it comes across rude when I try to push my passions on other people…

CJ: So I guess it’s also rude when I get really mad  when I’m trying to make someone watch a Kids in the Hall sketch and they would rather read a magazine?”

Sis: Rude.

CJ:And also when I make every one in the car be quiet so that they can hear the lyrics to Wilco or Joshua Radin and make them give me their interpretation…?

Sis: Rude.

CJ: And when I make everyone be quiet in the car so they can listen to my impression of Bob Dylan singing every song that comes on the radio?

Sis: That’s just annoying. Especially after the first 2 songs. And you don’t sound like Bob Dylan.

I thought about this for a while, and when writing my post yesterday, I realized that I have always been pushy about the things I enjoy… especially to my closest friends and family members. I have come to the conclusion that I really want to have a more open mind… and I really think you guys (bloggers) are already helping.

I feel like I’m really getting to know some of you, and you’ve really given me the opportunity to open my eyes to things that I normally wouldn’t have given a time of day. Sometimes I’m so surprised when I feel like I know a lot about who you are, and then you reveal something new that I never would have expected, and I love you more for it! And since I do, I accept that maybe my opinion isn’t  superior (maybe.) I’ve realized that if I just shut up and read about other people’s passions, mine aren’t the only ones that matter.

So basically, what I’m trying to say, is that I am so very thankful for each and everyone of you that I have gotten to know the last few months. Even the people that I haven’t corresponded with, you’ve helped me expand my horizons a ton! I feel like I have learned so much and I can’t wait to gain an even more open mind with each day!! (Can I have some wine with my cheese?) But seriously.

Now I just have to apply my new found open mind to real life…

And while we are on the subject,  Kim over at Perfectly Cursed Life has begun a tradition that I absolutely love, the annual “Thank You for Blogging” award, designed to honor bloggers that you are thankful for.  I recently handed out awards, and her rules are you have to hand it out to at least 4 other bloggers, so I’m going to keep this right at that… though I would hand this out to a zillion people if I could stay awake.

First off, if you haven’t checked out Kim’s blog, do it now. She definitely has a way with words, and has a way with being funny, while also making ya think! What I’m trying to say, is she hits you in all the right places.

I’ve only recently come across Beckeye over at The Pop Eye, but if you have an interest in anything pop culture… she is a must! Before I started a blog, I spent all of my internet time on film and music sites, and I’m so happy to have found a mix of everything I love on one little site!

I’ve said it before, but Meg at Lost in Thought is easily one of my favorite bloggers ever. I feel like whenever I read her posts, I am taken away in a whimsical land… and just when she gets me going all sentimental, I laugh my ass off. Loves this girl!!

I’d also like to pass this on to Dani over at She Laughs too Easily and Cries too Loud. Always hilarious, always poignant…. and I just don’t have enough good words to say about this lady! Check her out!

OK one more, Tricia at One Step To Recovery. You already know that I love you to pieces, but for everyone else, check out this girl’s blog!! I go crazy when she doesn’t update!  She is hilarious and says it like it is… Trust me, you will love her!!

I’m not sure I’ll be around tomorrow, (could surprise ya!) But I figured I’d leave you with this!

Happy Thanksgiving!

This is the only old pic of me with a headdress on where I don't look stupid. Bahahaha!