First off, I have a confession. I totally cheated on my “no drinking for almost a week” pact with myself. I have no excuse, except for I really suck at life. If it makes up for anything, it was only a few beers, and I still didn’t get any sleep. But i did have a good night.

Moving on…

Every month or so I like to take a looksie at the search terms people have used to find my page. I really hate for people to end up on my site looking for some specific information, only to leave dissatisfied and empty handed. Therefore, I will do my best share with you my knowledge about some of the more popular search terms used to get here.

If you came here by way of one of these terms, you’re welcome!

“hairy arse removal pads”

You’re not being very specific, but I am guessing that you are searching for ways to remove the hair from your “arse,” and not remove the hairy”arse” altogether (although I’m sure I can find someone for this as well.) I am no expert on arse hair, but I do have my experience (as you know) with hair on other parts of the body. If your arse hair is especially thick, I’m thinking you should stick with old fashioned shaving. If it is more sparce, you could try burning the hairs (in an open, well ventilated area) just be careful not to pass gas. You could also try plucking them, but you may need ass-istance, and that may be hard to find.

“carissa blog dallas”

There is a chance you actually found what you were looking for. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

“picture hand with red dot due to liver”

Why? Why would you do that to me?  You freakin bastard. I am already really paranoid about a little red dot on my arm and my liver. So sorry, won’t find any information on this here. I try not to think about it, maybe you should do the same. Or try out web MD. But if it makes you feel any better, my doctor said it’s nothing to worry about. But then again, I don’t trust that guy. He once falsely told me I needed gallbladder removal.

“free pant pee poo movies”

I”m not so sure how you ended up here on this one. I can’t provide you with what you are looking for, especially for free, but you may want to google a little word called “scat.” (thank you gay friends)

“do you know that demented person?”

I’ve been called crazy, eccentric, nutty, unhinged, and cuckoo… but never demented so I know that you came here by mistake. Perhaps you were looking for him,  or him, or  her….

“how to make a pair of saggy boobs for haloween costume” (this was how it was spelled)

This was a popular one. There were also a few variations of this search including “home-made saggy boobs” Making Golden Girl boob sag” and “homemade booby.” I am no expert here, but I do have an idea. I say take a pair of pantie hose and cut them off around the calf. Stuff them with sand bags then sew the open end to your shirt at chest level. It doubt it will work, which is why for MY costume, I simply purchased a pair of saggy boobs on the internet. Good luck!

“a dying bird on the road bit my feet”

How very unfortunate for you! First off, you can’t be surprised that a dying bird bit your foot if you were stupid enough to stand in biting distance. You must have been nearly on top of that bird. It’s not like that bird has arms to reach out and pull your foot to it’s mouth. And what did you expect? The poor thing was dying and needed to take it’s anger out on someone!

And yes, you probably have rabies.

“diarrhea every time i urinate”

First off, congrats on your superb ability to spell diarrhea, I never get that right! Second, so sorry to hear about your problem. I wish I could say I haven’t been there. I bet it burns. I’m no doctor, but I would say to decrease the burning sensation, try sitting on a cool washrag or an ice cube. Otherwise, quit drinking so much beer, try to eat some more veggies, and maybe try to squeeze to hold it in.

“effects of swallowing a spoonful of cinnamon”

It’s a good thing you asked before you tried. While this may seem like a fun party trick, I can tell you first hand- there is nothing fun or funny about it. When you first swallow a heaping spoon full, you think you’re going to be able to handle it. After the first little bit goes down, you start to wheeze a little, and small particles of cinnamon start to float around in your trachea. Then you will undoubtedly try to take a sip of water because you are nearly choking to death, which only solidifies the cinnamon into a mush in your throat. At this point, your best bet is to start trying to push it out the way it came in.

“carissa mustache facebook”

There is only one picture that I can think of that you may be referring to:

Unless of course you zoom in, then any of my pictures may apply.

“holy shit its james franco fuck me sideways”

I’m not sure why this brought you here, but I agree full heartily. In fact, I’ll expand on sideways, and go ahead and include any missionary, doggie, fuck! I’ll take any position in the book. I wish I could share him with you… but I can’t let you leave here empty handed, so…

Image by danzden via Flickr

“my pee hole dropped to my vagina”

If this did in fact happen, then bravo to you my friend. Ohhhh… I wouldn’t be too proud or go around telling potential boyfriends or anything (because you are a freak.) But dude! Go turn yourself in for medical research! You could probably make loads of money. And when you do, don’t forget who told you this golden advice.

“pooping”

This is a very broad subject. I think I’m just going to have to refer you to my friend, Dr John Dorian for this one.

[There is a video that cannot be displayed in this feed. Visit the blog entry to see the video.]

I have had a really tired week. I drank a little too much every night, and now, finally, I have drinken 4 beers followed by a little friend called ambien… and i feel wweeeiiiirrrrd. don’t judge this writing. I love spell check though. it makes ya smell good.. spell good i think i mean. wowwwsa. It should be time to go to bed, but this is an experiment.

so there are things I have been wanting to talk about. One of them being the fact that the other night my roommates and i decided to have a salsa cookoff. In order to do so, we had to take a trip to the most (i can’t think of the word to put here) ________  grocery store in dallas….. DRUMMMMM ROOOOLLLLL>>>> The Central Market.

This place is absolutely like an amusement park for older, richer people, You don’t have as many rides, but there are so many things to look at. We always start out in the veggies, and pick up each strange specimen wandering how it would be edible in any country. There are big round yellow things (maybe egg-plant?) I dont knows… either way there is a shit ton of crazy shit to see and touch,

But in this case we were making salsa, so we went grab crazy for every type of pepperish plant we could get our hands on. For example, my basket was chopped full of poblanos, jalapenos, green chili, bell peppers and jabaneros. Maybe some other stuff too. I had to be reminded that if I’m making salsa I should probably get some tomatoes and onions and shit too. So I did that. Ok im losing my mind track. but im still pullin through. Bear (not the animal)  with this ambien head.

We then, for no reason at all travel around the corner to the meats. There are many that look very yummy, and if I wasn’t so poor and just in the mood to make salsa, I would have bought all of them. at least the tuduckerlkjre .. I don’t remember what its called, but its like a duck in a chicken stuffed in a turkey, or something like that. this is getting weirder.

so next we (for the first time in our lives) skip past the wine section, and are on a mission to try and find the most normal thing that could be sold in a central market. tomato paste. YAYYYYY it was there, bear.

So now I had lost my roommates but I knew they would be in the cheese section.. and oh yes i was right. Our house would seem like a fun house (as it does now in my state) if we did not keep mucho cheeses and smelly cheeses and garlic cheeses at our disposal. They go bad if you don’t cover them well, or so I have been scolded.

After the cheeses, we are pretty much in the clear, unless we catch eyes with the icecream like stuff… whats it called.. not custard but something like it. This time we didn’t come out with a large tub so I feel we won that war. I did have to run back through the maze to grab a couple protein bars, but that only took a second. Usually standing in the line is the worst. On average we usually leave with about 3  extra “line” grabs (chex mix, sweet peanuts, carrot chips, fried garlic,) but on this day i believe im the only one who came out with something like this, but now I can’t remember what it was.

We get home, and begin the race to get our salsas finished before our stomachs waged war against each other in the kitchen. We had 2 food processors, and a vegetable chopper that we literally had to hold up knives and wage ambien pills in order to get to use the utensils.

I can’t go into much more detail as I am falling asleep and putting readers to sleep. I will give you the non Julie Powell’s version of the recipe for my green chili salsa, which i think is pretty much a mutha bomb.

Ingredients:

8 roasted green chilis.

4 jabanero peppers

5 home-grown jalapenos from my garden

2 white onions

5 poblano peppers

maybe 6-9 peices of fresh garlic

cilantro- not a lot not a little

some spices.. maybe some cumin, a little vinegar, something red if you have it like red pepper (ground)

one small can of tomato paste

Preparation:

Cut that shit up as small as you can. I just kinda cut it and then through it into a processor to grind it all for me.

repeat as many times as you need with the peppers, and add more to taste.

clean your hands very nicely and as long as you have no open cuts on your hands you should be fine to moosh that shit around with your hands and it feels pretty cool too.

Then its prob best to put it over some heat and let it simma down now, so that it tastes flavorful. at this point- hopefully you have been on ambien or at least drinking and you will think it is delious too. Maybe I’ll try to post this again tomorrow once Im semi refressed. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz