If you have been here more than once, there is a good chance you already feel that you know too much about me. Regardless, I’m not really feeling the creative juices a-flowing this morning, so I figure I’ll fall back on a meme… Plus I haven’t done one yet, and I really like to talk about myself.

1. Jade is actually my middle name. But Jaded is actually  an emotion that I often feel.

2. My dog Stella is half dachshund and half pit bull, with a little shar pei thrown in. I have no idea how she was made.

3. I got to book 3 of the Twilight series and book 4 of Harry Potter. I guess I’m a quitter. But I’ve read every Ann Rice and Stephen King book ever written.

4. Holy shit, I’m on number for of this list, and it is way harder to come with stuff than I thought it would be.

5. My favorite food in the world is mandarin oranges and cheese. I also really like blue applesauce.

6. It has been a few months since my last show, but I have been doing improv for over 5 years.

7. I once owned a pet sugar glider, but it was never very nice so I gave it away.

8. I once owned over 30 mice at once, but they smelled so bad my dad eventually let them out at my parents ranch.

9. I recently owned a pet rat named Bogart, but my dad let that one go too.

10.  I wrecked my first car into my house before I even got my license.

11. My second car was an 89 Cutlass Supreme Oldsmobile. It had no speedometer, no antenna, and no air conditioning.

12. My car’s name was Cuddy.

13. I have seen While You were Sleeping over 50 times.

14. I’ve lost 100 lbs in the last 2 years.

15. My first major in college was dance.

16. I was also RTVF and Public Relations before I finally decided to get my degree in Creative Writing.

17. Once I drink a little bit, I think I can rap and sing.

18.  My go-to karaoke song is Total Eclipse of the Heart, Old School style.

19.  I grew up only taking baths. I didn’t have a shower in my bathroom, and I still prefer to take a bath when possible.

20. I have a bad habit of leaving empty shampoo bottles in the shower. I know that drives my roommate crazy, but I still leave them there thinking I can squeeze a little more out.

21. I also open squeeze my toothpaste from the middle.

22. I live with one girl and a gay guy couple. I have no pets here but between them they have 3 dogs and 2 cats.

23. I have lived in 8 houses in the last 10 years.

24. I was almost a contestant on The Biggest Loser. I went all the way to the sequestering level in LA.

24. They wanted me to cry more on camera. I refused.

25. I put ketchup on everything…

26. And I keep a bottle of Tabasco sauce in my purse.

27. If you have an accent and I’m talking to you, chances are I’ll accidentally start trying to do your accent, horribly.

28. I have kept a diary in some form since I was about 7.

29.I grew up across the street from my grandparents,  and I am very blessed to have them in my lives.

30. I still don’t like my arms or legs to fall over the side of the bed, for fear of whatever might be under my bed.

31. I have a fear of boogers. I will literally throw up if someone wipes one on me or I see one hanging out of someone’s nose.

32. I have an addiction to iced  tea. I like un-sweet tea with lemon the best.

33. Unless I’m at my grandparent’s house. In that case, I use sugar, mint and lemon… and always out of a turquoise glass.

34. My favorite toys when I was growing up included crayons (not to color with, but to make them talk to each other.)

35. Although I got my degree in English, I am sometimes  pretty careless with my grammar.

36. If I could meet anyone dead or alive, it would probably be Gene Kelly.

37. I hate hate hate Nickelback.

38. Chad Kroeger, the lead singer of Nickelback once told me “fuck you” because I didn’t recognize him and asked him to take a picture of my friend and I. He thought I wanted him in the picture with us. He was way wrong.

39. I’m pretty outgoing in real life, but I am a horrible public speaker. I hate mc-ing shows, and can only do it if I create a character to speak in.

40. I have one chin hair that keeps coming back. That’s a lie. There are two.

41. I know the lyrics to every Beatles song ever written.

42. I also know the lyrics to every NSYNC song ever written.

43. I met Joey from NSYNC 4 times in my life. The first time he asked to see my boobies. I considered doing it, until he said he was kidding.

44. I’m the type of girl who cries at Hallmark commercials.

45. I have also seen every single Lifetime Christmas movie.

46. The Jerk is one of my favorite movies in the world and I can probably recite the whole movie.

47. I still like to build forts in my living room.

48. I’m deathly afraid of dying in a car accident and I really freak out when I’m next to an 18 wheeler on the highway. This may stem from the fact that I didn’t drive on a highway until I was 21.

49. I still have no idea how to use WordPress, or how to add apps or widgets to my site.

50. I don’t really like smooshy food consistencies.

51. I am a one stripe leg shaver. Basically, I’m 3 phases away from ape-dom.

52. I have always really wanted to own a pet monkey. I got my sugar glider because I needed to satisfy my pet urge and owning monkeys are illegal.

53. When I paint my own nails, I say that a kid that I was babysitting did it. I’m that bad.

54. I once talked my sister into eating snails and dog food.

55. Until about 3 years ago, my diet consisted solely of cheese and crackers and sausage biscuits.

56. I really wish I was talented at art. I have attempted everything artsy. The only thing that I have any talent at is decoupaging.

57. My friend and I went to New York for my 23rd birthday on the day of the infamous blackout. Everyone I know is convinced my black cloud is the sole reason for the blackout.

58. I have been tasered. For recreation.

59. My friends and I sometimes play a game called indoor varmint hunting. This consists of acting like we are the birds in duck hunt, then getting shot in the back with a bb gun.

60. I have drunkenly written fan letters to Seth Green and Keith Coogan. Keith responded and I’m quite embarrassed about the whole situation.

61. I have fallen down so many flights of stairs in my life. I literally wake up everyday and thank God that I don’t have brain damage.

62. I WILL go on one of those tornado chasing tours, as soon as I can afford it.

63. I think my voice sounds really pretty when I sing “The Best Part of Waking up, is Folgers in your cup.”

64. It has been confirmed by dozens of others, that it actually does not.

65. I always give cab drivers a back massage in hopes of getting a discount on the ride.

66. Roto-scope animation (Charles Schwab commercials ) gives me the heebie jeebies.

67. When I was a kid I thought my dolls came alive and moved around the room.

68. I would kiss each of them before I went to sleep so they wouldn’t murder me.

69. I found out later it was my cousin who moved them. It scarred me for life.

70. When I’m in my car listening to music, I always sometimes like to pretend I’m in a movie, and whatever song is on determines what kind of scene I’m in.

71. I spend 90% of my work day with a pen cap in my mouth.

72. I never sit with my feet on the floor. At my desk, at a restaurant, it doesn’t matter. I’m always either indian style, or something like it.

73. I love love love the colors purple and turquoise.

74. At the age of 11, my life-long dream of meeting Jonathon Taylor Thomas was fulfilled.

75. My choice alcoholic beverages are wheat beer, red wine, and vodka and grapefruit.

76. I can kick your ass at touch-screen trivia.

77. I can also kick your ass at a game of bones.

78. When I get upset, I find myself re-categorizing my DVDs. Sometimes I organize them by Genre… sometimes alphabetical.

79. I most recently organized them by director.

80. I just got my first haircut since January! That’s really bad…

81. One time I discovered all the little white hairs all over my face and thought there was something wrong with me. I naired my whole face which resulted in a severe burn.

82. I have had pink eye more times than I would ever like to admit.

83. I had to wear an eye patch as a child to correct a lazy eye.

84. I think my eye still looks lazy in photographs but nobody else can see it.

85. If I could go back to school and get a different major, I would probably get it in meteorology or Disaster Preparedness. I am fascinated by natural disasters!

86. My biggest celebrity crushes are on John Cusack, Bill Pullman, Jack White, Jim Carrey and Ben Gibbard.

87. I’ve never played any sports growing up, unless you count dance or Cheerleading.

88. I can’t roll my rs.

89. I pretty much go to the movies every Sunday. And usually by myself. I love going to movies by myself.

90. I cry at Hallmark commercials. I cried watching the NFL draft. I pretty much cry at everything.

91. For the last 3 years, I have watched every movie nominated for an Academy Award, prior to the awards.

92. The night of the Academy Awards is my favorite night of the year. I almost always dress up and drink champagne in my living room when I watch it.

93. If I ever get married, I want my wedding to be Academy Award themed. When I walk down the aisle, I want it to be down a red carpet.

94. I got obsessed with listening to Conservative talk radio before last years election. Now I pretty much only listen to NPR.

95. My motto when it comes to politics, (and life) is “I may vote conservative, but I bleed patchouli. ”

96. I broke an arm last year. To be more precise, I broke my roommates arm last year. I won a games of darts and high kicked in celebration. The heel of my boot hit his arm and broke it in several places.

97. I still haven’t watched the last episode of Party Of Five because I’m too sad.

98. I read my horoscope every day and carry tarot cards with me at all times. I don’t really believe in that stuff… but I can’t give it up.

99. I do believe in ghosts.

100. This was a lot more difficult than I thought it would be.

Make sure you check back to Lilu’s Archives… they are the best things you’ll read all week!

I’m not usually the type of girl who likes to kiss and tell. O.K., that’s a lie. But I’m not the type of girl who likes to talk about sexual experiences all over internets, especially on a site that my parents frequent. So today I’m going to tell you a story that happened to a, ahem, friend of mine.

Once upon a time there was a girl named… lets call her “Cari.”

She was young and naive and only a Sophomore in college.  Although she was not quite twenty-one, Cari had just began to get the full extent of how crazy night life in college could really be.

One night, Cari went to a bar with some friends. She had been kind of talking to a guy (lets call him Dave) who worked at a local bar, which was kind of awesome because he could sneak her drinks. By kind of talking, I mean that they had made out once or twice, but had yet to take it beyond first base.

At the time, Cari was still pretty naive when it came to sexual experiences. She had kissed her share of boys, but was not the kind of girl to go home with almost strangers.

This night, because of the ridiculous amount of drinks that she sneakily inhaled, she decided to make an exception.

Dave was quite a bit older and willing to take the drunken Cari back to his house to take care of her. He was quite the gentleman and even stopped to get Cari lemon lime Gatorade on the way to his house.

Once they got there, things got a little hot and heavy. Not to the point of actual intercourse, but to the point where clothes were taken off.

It was around this point that Cari passed out into a dark and dreamless sleep.

She woke up very early in the morning with a horrible cramp in her stomach. It was not the type of cramp that could be mistaken. She really had to take a shit.

At this point, Cari was still laying on her side under the covers. She wanted to try to sneak out of bed and into the bathroom so that Dave wouldn’t wake up to the sound of her using the restroom. She could feel his presence right behind her, and hear the sounds of his heavy snoring behind her head. She shifted to try to move without disturbing the hairy man next to her.

As she did, she noticed something very strange.

“What in the hell is that!?” she thought as she started to panic. It seemed to Cari, that there was something lightly resting upon her butt cheek.

“Nononononononono! This cannot be happening!” Cari thought as she tried to figure out a game plan.

You see, the pain in Cari’s stomach was so intense, that she had come to the conclusion that she must have laid a turd in this strange harry man’s bed. What else would be resting gently against her butt cheek?

She thought maybe she should just run out of the door, hitchhike back to her apartment, then convince her parents to let her transfer schools.

Tears came to poor Cari’s eyes as she realized that she had really done it. Her life was over. She was about to leave all of her new friends, and all because she decided to get drunk and poop in a well known bartender’s bed.

“There has to be another way,” Cari thought…. “AHA! Maybe I can just scoop it up and throw it in the trash without him noticing!”

Cari knew that this would be very difficult. From what she could tell, it was still in it’s solid form. She had been very careful not to lean back and damage it in anyway.

She finally gathered up the courage to very carefully reach behind her back and scoop it up.

Very slowly and carefully, Cari scooted her hand underneath the poop, hoping with all of her heart that she would not leave any remains  behind.

It was in that moment that Cari made the best discovery of her life.

What she held in her hand was not in fact a turd… it was in fact, just Dave’s penis.

Cari quickly woke Dave up and made him drive her home, where she was able to use the restroom in the privacy of her own bathroom.

And they all lived happily ever after.

The end.