I would go into all the details of seeing Michael Ian Black, two back to back nights of karaoke filled-fun including a rendition of “California Girls” with my MOTHER, and the lazy but oh so amazing day I had on Sunday… but I don’t remember the details of either Friday or Saturday night and I don’t feel the details of Sunday are appropriate for the internet.

However, I will share with you the videos that my mom put together. It’s bad though. Not the video quality- that was pretty spectacular (thanks mom!) but my singing? Not so much.

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My lord it hurts even watching this. I mean really Carissa? REALLY? Why must I always be so freaking dramatic? WHYYYYYY!!!!???? By the by, this was totally sung in the “Old School” “I fucking need you more tonight” version, but my mom didn’t want to have me say fuck on the internet so she edited it out. Weird.

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In other news, today is day numero uno of not smoking. I’m not sure I’ve mentioned it, probably because I wasn’t sure that I was actually going to follow through, but I think 28 is as good as an age as any to quit. It’s not going to get any easier after all but I think I can do this. I’m gonna be a grown up. I just hope I don’t turn into Mel Gibson in the process.

Well I was going to write more, but now I just don’t feel like it so excuse me while I go eat a whole gum ball machine.

Oh and one more thing. I saw this last week and haven’t been able to erase it from my brain.

Sleep well tonight suckers.

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Oh hells yeah, bring it on weekend.

Seriously. This has been one helluva week. I’m trying not to dwell on the bad shit and just remember that soon enough things will be settled and I’ll have a whole new set of problems to deal with.

I’m sure you’ve been wondering what sort of crazy ass shit could I have possibly gotten myself into that would cause me to be so absent from the interwebs, and when I do come around  tweet complaints left and right? (Because yes I do realize I’ve done nothing but complain the last two weeks or so and that’s not usually my nature.) (Sometimes, yes, I can be a nature-made complainer-but usually it’s in jest.) (I also realize the correct word for “nature-made” would be “natural,” but since yesterday was National Grammar Day or something I have declared that today the rest of my life will be “National Aint Usin Correctual Grammatized Wording Days”.) So HA! KELLYYY RIPPPAAAAAAAA!!!

And since it’s my blog and I can whine if I want to, whilst drinking wine I might add, that’s what I might do.

*I’ll start with the worst news first. I just found out that MY BOYFRIEND COULD BE CHEATING ON ME!!! Yes. Perez Hilton (that slimy cock-blocker) reported today that John Cusack is dating Brooke Burns. I don’t even know who she is but she looks like a man and I hope she gets herpasyphaghonnoraids something really painful that can’t be spread to my boyfriend… like a really bad hemoroid. Anyways, someone needs to alert the press that this is false information. Me and my Boyfriend John Cusack are doing just fine. Awesome, in fact. You don’t belive me? See for yourself.

Carissajaded and John Cusack 4-evah!

That pic was taken last weekend when we were just hangin around, eatin some cheese, watching Dumb and Dumber. Awesome day right!? I think we may have even taken it to pound town that day but we have so many times I can’t remember for sure.

Moving on. 

* Why won’t my stuff unpack itself? It has now been sitting in piles around my house for five days and I’m not sure what to do about it. I keep trying to use all the Jedi Mind tricks I know but they aren’t working in my new house. I’ve been contemplating sending a video into “Clean House” or whatever that reality show is called so maybe they’d come do it for me, but even they might be scared.

*My bank account is scaring me into thinking I might need to quit drinking so much wine. HAHAHAHA Just kidding. But maybe I need to stop eating or cancel my gym membership or something. After having to pay for all these moving expenses, I was flat broke. And then???? Yesterday we got our final gas bill from my old house and guess how much that was?  $800.00. EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLARS!!!! FOR GAS!? With the amount of gas that should have paid for in a month I should have been able to light a match down the street and blow that place up. Then who’d be laughing? Oh probably still not me. Turns out we were on some average monthly billing program so now we have to pay all the accrued monthly something or another. It doesn’t make sense to me. But if right now, you have an image of me bending over and being sexually abused by Atmos energy, then you’d be correct.

*My new house is haunted. I’m not joking, crazyness be happenin up in here.  At first I thought it was just a coincidence that I have had two brand-new light bulbs blow out on me, but then other stuff starting happening. Of course there are the weird slams, bangs and bumps (no I’m not talking about my sexual life,) but on top of that- our ghost is all about turning on appliances. Like Monday night. I go downstairs and the kitchen faucet is running full blast. I certainly didn’t do it. LA had been asleep for hours. I went and woke her up just to make sure. And then tonight? Right after I had spent an hour trying to convince LA that we needed to get that lady from the exorcist with a high-pitched voice to come over and cleanse our house,that damn spirit turned the stove burner on. It’s not like it could have just turned by itself. It was on level 6. That crazy bitch of a ghost wanted to burn us down!

But in case you’re reading this: Ghost, I love you. I love most ghosts!! In fact I’ve always wanted to be friends with one! I say the word bitch as a synonym for friend! Things have changed since you were alive. Anyway, so far I think you’re really pretty and cool. Please don’t hurt me.

*Mi coche es un PEICE OF TURD! For the thousanth time this year, my car broke down yesterday while I was driving on the highway. I heard a snap, the power steering went out, and then I sat on the side of the road for about an hour-calling everyone I know to ask them what I should do. As of now my car is STILL in the shop. This realllllly is not helping my moo-lah situation. sighhhhhhh

Well I’m gonna go ahead and forget all of this is happening, and rock on with my bad-self this weekend. And by rock-on I obviously mean that I will be sitting in the middle of my bedroom, listening to sad tunes, trying to unpack my things using only my mind. That’s telekinesis Kyle.

Don’t forget to leave your dare in the comments, fool! Heart.

Well I have them.

ALOT.

And this week seems to be one of them.

In fact, this whole year seems to be a big fat turd of a year. I’ve already started writing 2010 on my dates because I really just can’t wait for it to start.

A quick break from my whining. Do we say two-thousand and ten, or twenty-ten? Or is it two-oh-one-oh??? The plaguing questions we endure as we come to the end of a century. And who decides anyway? I guess Obama does. Lucky bastard. I’d say twennny – teyen, byatch.

Ok back to bitching. Because it’s my blog and I can do what I want. Plus I laugh when other

So far this week I’ve spilled at least 3 drinks, drove up on a curb nearly hitting two cars and a family (for the second time this month) stepped on my $300 pair of glasses, I completely failed a salmon dinner, I effed up everything that is possible to eff up at work (and convicts could do this shiz,) I lost my phone charger (but have already replaced one this month so don’t want to spend $30 for another one until I get paid,) I overdrew my bank account, and I just locked my keys in the car whilst it was running (trying to charge up said phone with car charger.)

Update*** The AAA guy looked like a really old and drunk Santa clause. I didn’t tell him. But I wanted to after he hocked a big one that landed on the hood of my car (that he laughed and then nearly choked to death about) and then told me “I oughtter take yer down by that there pond and give ya a whoopin.”

-I realize I should probably be using semi-colons not commas, I don’t care.

Bad ugly Santa.

Oh and like two seconds ago? I was carrying my fourth serving of delicious tin cheese popcorn to my desk in a napkin, and my napkin hammock somehow came apart. Don’t worry, I followed the five second rule. I left the kernels that I couldn’t get back into my napkin within five seconds on the ground so that the cleaning ladies would have something to do tonight.

Let’s not forget I’m 99.99998716729% sure one of those bishes stole my laptop.

On top of being at the peak of my hurricane season , I have just been a glass cage of emotion. I don’t know if it’s just this time of year or maybe I need some meds., but the slightest little things have been setting me off.

A few examples…

*I cried when I had to call in to work hungover. I get really nervous about these things,

*I cried when my boss called me after hours before listening to his voice mail… I was sure he knew I was hungover… turns out it was just his wandering if I wanted some deer meat.

*I cried during all seventeen Lifetime movies I watched this week.

*I cried listening to the opera boy on NPR the other morning.

*I cried listening to Kissmas on Kiss FM (where they give lots of free shit away people who need it, mee tooooo???)

*I cried after I picked up my gray sweatpants from the ground to see what was on the ankle, and then held it up to my nose and accidentally wiped (what I found to be) poop on my nose.

*I cried when I found out my bank account was overdrawn.

*I cried at that  fricking Travelers insurance commercial with the dog…

*My sister and I had at least 2 cry sessions on the phone, she cried because she was stressed about finals and boys, I cried because I hate boys and because I cry whenever anyone else is crying to me. And also because of that whole “our parent’s are fucking splitting up and Christmas isn’t going to be the same thing.”

Despite all of my tears and frustration, there have been A few moments where I have realized what this time of year is really about. A few times that tears have come to my eyes out of happiness, when I realize that I am so lucky, that I have so much. I know that everything will be alright. I know that I am loved.

And now I await the calm after the storm. It’s been a hell of a ride, 2009.

__________________________

And most importantly , Happy Birthday Daddy! I know I have not always been the easiest child to handle, but you have been the best dad that a girl could ask for.

I know things aren’t easy right now, but I am here for you now and always. I have leaned on you for 27 years and it’s about time that I step it up and return the favor for the rest of my family.

It probably doesn’t always come across how grateful I am, but really- I couldn’t have survived my

life without you!

I love you with all of my heart and thanks for putting money in my bank account!

Let’s make 2010 twennny – teyen, byatch the best year ever!!

Love,

Your pumpkinhead

I have either gone out of town or had really big plans the last few weekends- and I’m not sure my body can take any more. I haven’t been able to afford the time or money to get a vaccination to void off the aporkalypse  and I’m a little afraid I’m getting ill, but even more afraid that this lack of sleep is sending me on the fast track to my own personal zombie apocalypse.

I don’t even think that made sense.

But dude, if I really was in the zombie apocalypse, I would frickin love to mow down some zombies! Ever since I saw Zombieland I have imagined that every person on the side of the road is a zombie, and it is my personal duty to smash them into jelly!

I wonder if it is really true that cows and llamas can mate and make hybrid “cammas” that are so stupid that they have to be put out of their misery…

Ooooh! I should see if my roommates want to make a fort in the  living room tonight and eat cheese and crackers for dinner.

Yes…  this is what my brain has been doing to me all week. I’m just going to quit thinking now. But I won’t leave you with just a mumble jumble of a post, because if you are here and still reading, then you deserve to see something of worth… so I’ll do my best.

In light of my new tradition of FML Fridays,  I now present to you with a few images of the hurricane that is my life, that I feel that you should see if we are going to be friends.

If you don’t want to waste your time seeing boring ass pictures that depict how disgusting I am, I suggest you skip to the bottom of this post, where I will truly mortify myself with a video or two.

First, I introduce you to the way that I live… my room.

I mmeannn… the way it just happens to look right now.

My room has been hit. By hurricane me. Sooo sad.

I swear it’s not usually this bad, and honestly it is driving me crazy. I’m going to have to spend a good amount of lovin with my room this weekend.

It doesn’t stop there, welcome to my closet.

My closet also has the swine and is throwing up all over the place!

But wait, at least I make really awesome art! (sarcasm, my friend.)

My wall o' "attempt at creativity"

What’s that you say? You want a close up? I’m not very good at taking pictures either, but I’ll do my best!

And by art, I mean a collage tree.

More, you ask?

Yeah, those were just postcards that I cut and pasted (and then painted a coat of glitter over, of course.)

And yet more “art…”

Yeah. I made a collage of butterflies. What of it?

Oh and don’t worry, I have been destroying furniture since 1996.

Oh yeah, you know you want one!

And now,  I introduce you to my car.

If you can spot my glasses you win a prize. Really, I need them and they're missing.

It’s not always like this (yes it is) but I basically live out of my car and I haven’t had the time nor the energy to clean it out in these hard times. To make matters worse, there is a dead animal of sorts rotting beneath all this nastiness, and it smells of the high heavens. It has rained for the last two days, and I’m fairly sure the moisture in the air has increased the stench ten-fold. I’m also pretty sure that if I got pulled over, I would be arrested for murder. My “there must be rotten food in my trunk” excuse would quickly be dismissed.

But before you completely go off judging my car, and myself for that matter,  I feel  I should re-introduce you to this:

Dashboard Jesus!!

Dashboard Jesus puts a smile on my face every day. However, my car has recently taken on the act of bouncing violently whenever I’m in idle, and it makes Jesus do inappropriate things that make me feel a little bit uncomfortable.

I should also probably tell you that I come from a long line of nerds.

I look like I wasn't happy about posing for this, but that was just a pose.

Have I told you that when I was young, my mother loved to wake me up by blaring the Star Trek theme song, and that I actually kind of liked it? Her most recent act of nerd-dom, is her new found love of Second Life. (Don’t kill me mom!)  I didn’t know much about it until recently, but you can apparently make an avatar that is anything from human to Giant mummy squid. Your options are unlimited. My mother has chosen to make her avatar be an elf, which I actually think is really cool. Well, that may seem irrelevant, but she has recently taken an obsession to all things elven. As I was walking out to leave my parent’s house a few weeks ago, my mom stopped and asked me to put on elf ears for a few pictures. I feigned annoyance for about 5 minutes before I agreed. I(I was really excited inside to get to wear these ears.)

And then she took the liberty to photo-shop me into a piece that she calls, “The Whispering Elf”

(I liked it so much it' is my current facebook profile pic)

Have you met my mom’s tattoo?

NOT as big in person. (pleasssse don't kill me mom!)

I don’t know if you’ve realized it, but I have a very close relationship with vodka…

That is enough to bring on depression.

And in case you haven’t seen enough, I really cannot sing, which is sad- because I realllly love to do so.

I promised you, way back  during my first month of blogging- that I would post these.

Just for a little background…. This was a weekend back in July, when I was going through a break up and not feeling very good about myself, hence probably why I started this blog. On that particular Saturday night, I went to my roommate Jake’s  mother’s birthday party. They rented out a bar and even went so far as to hire a singer to perform. It was awesome! At some point in the night, someone had the bright idea that if they could get me up on stage, it would cheer me up. Well boy did it ever.

This first video is when I first went up and sang with the hired singer, Archie, who had (I am guessing) never sang “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart.” By the sounds of it, I haven’t either.

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And if you haven’t had enough, eventually after exhausting the hired singer, I started inviting other people to come and sing with me. Here is one of my roommate Jake and my rendition of  Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody.” It’s bad, but if you can stick around to the head banging, it’s kind of funny. (at least to me)

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Just for shiz, if you’re still interested and insane, (I literally took over the microphone for the remainder of the evening) here is a final video of my roommate Denny and I singing “You’ve Lost that Lovin Feeling.

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That is all folks. Now excuse me while I go hide in a closet and cry.

I’m not sure what the copyright laws are regarding blogging about google images (this is probably something I should research,) but something seems afoot with the one google currently has on its home page.

Today was H.G. Wells‘s birthday, and the above image is Google‘s way of honoring the man. If you are not aware, H. G. Wells is the man one of the men responsible for scaring the shit out of a bunch of people when his Science fiction tale, “The War of the Worlds,” was read on the radio by Orson Welles. Many people took it as real news and believed that they were under attack by aliens.

It’s quite an interesting story.

Google thought so too, and for the last few weeks have been confusing users with their cryptic home page images. First there was one of a flying saucer blasting off which started all sorts of conspiracies about aliens making contact.

Then there was one with the letters of Google being formed with crop circles.

They finally revealed today with their latest installment, that this has all been an homage to H.G. Wells.

But what I find to be even more interesting is the fact that every time I’ve gone to google’s home page today, I have to do a double take.

At first glance,this picture looks exactly like a turd.

Oh those nerds at google always know how to make me laugh.