Per usual, here I am the night before the money is due, AND I STILL HAVE NO IDEA!!!!

I’m sure there are those of you who are going to tell me, “Sure Carissa, what do you have to lose? You’ll end up having a blast!” And you know what? I’m sure that when it is all said and done, that I WOULD have a blast, but we can’t discount the possibility that in order for that to happen I would have to be so balls- to- the- wall wasted that I wouldn’t remember it.

But I’m also fairly sure that there are some of you -who like me, are either on the fence about attending your own reunion, or decided not to go because you felt it wasn’t worth the effort or the money. I’m not even sure if this is how I feel. I don’t know how I feel anymore. I JUST CAN”T DECIDE! SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

Sorry for yelling. I’ve just been thinking long and hard (TWSS) about this one, and it’s a toughie. On the one hand, there are a lot of people that I would love to catch up with. I haven’t kept in good touch with most of my friends from high school and I think it would be real freaking awkward nice to see everyone again. Even more so, I feel like I’ve gotten to “know” a lot of the people who I wasn’t so close with by stalking their Facebook pages, and shizzles, it feels like I was missing out on some really awesome people back then. On top of all that, damn I look good and I want to show off! I kid… No but for real, while I’ve lost all this weight, most of the people I knew back then don’t even know I gained and lost a hundred pounds in the last 10 years, so I feel like that isn’t a good reason to go.

I guess my reservations are probably like a lot of peoples. I’ve heard that the 10 year reunion is kind of like a “show off” parade, where people talk about all of their accomplishments, show off pictures of their children, and talk about their career advancements. Don’t get me wrong great peoples of the nets, I’m proud of what I’ve done over the last ten years, and I have no shame at showing up single at an event like this. (although if John Cusack or Ketchup wanted to go with me, I’d be bout it bout it.)  I am aware that my goals are probably different from most people who I went to high school with, and that I’m not exactly on a “conventional” life path. I am perfectly fine with the fact that most people would probably raise their eyebrows at the amount of pride that I take in the fact that I have performed comedy, that I have been published, that some people actually read my blog, or that I am in fact, content being single. (At least 79% of the time.)

I feel that I have gone through so many changes since high school, and despite living in a world of complete (controlled) chaos, I like who I’ve become. I still have a long way to go, but for the most part (Yay) I’m a hell of a lot more comfortable with who I am today, and I’m a much over all “better” (despite my faults) person than I was back then.

Here’s my thing. I like who I am now. I like my life now. And while there are some things that I enjoyed about high school, I would much rather bring them to me, than take a roller coaster down memory lane back to that time of my life. I would like it better if I could magically just pick a few things that I liked about my high school life and apply them to my life now. Like the ability to wear overalls without people thinking I was a farmer. Or glitter. Or getting ready with a big group of girls before a dance, that was fun.

But you know what was WAYYY better than high school?????

Certainly not Junior High. That was even more awkward. I had like 30 pet mice,  wore nothing but vintage clothes, and really and truly believed that I could communicate with ghosts.  Which was cool, but back then I cared a lot about what people thought of me so I nixed out all of the awkward from my life as soon as I realized it wasn’t cool.

Let’s take it back a little further, shall we? Elementary School. That time of my life was made of awesome. I didn’t care what anyone thought of the fact that I wore Umbros and hand painted t-shirts everyday. Life was fun! I know it had it’s downsides, (like when I wasn’t invited to Brooke’s slumber party, or when some guy called me a one armed pirate because I had my arm in a body cast and an eyepatch on at the same time) but all in all, life was pretty care free. Again, I wouldn’t necessarily go back there- but I’ve been thinking about the 5 things from my personal Elementary experience that I would like to have in my adult life. So let’s do this.

TOP 5 THINGS FROM ELEMENTARY SCHOOL I WANT IN MY LIFE NOW!!!!!

My Tree-House: I had the best. tree-house. evah! While it wasn’t too big, it was perfectly adequate for my needs. (TWSS!!) But seriously, two of my favorite pastimes include making badass forts, and drinking on patios. Drinking in a treehouse would basically be the perfect cocktail of the two. Especially if I had cute boys next door that we could spy on. If that was the case, I would definitely remove the “NO BOYS ALOUD” (I was a poor speller) sign from the wall.

The School Cafeteria: I’ll admit it, while some of the best times happened there, so did some of the worst. I have a clear memory of walking through the cafeteria with my tray and crossing my fingers that someone at the “cool table” saved me a seat, but either way- fun times ensued. One of the worst times in my life was when my 4th grade teacher, Mrs. Honzel, force- fed me green beans and made me drink her tea with red lipstick on the cup, to wash it down. But then I have to remember “The Game.” “The Game,” was almost as fun as the bug game. Everyone at my table would take an item of food from their own lunch, and contribute it to the community tray, then we would mix it up good, and each take turns trying to stomach it. I think it landed a few of us in the principals office… but TOTALLY WORTH IT! Maybe if I go to the reunion I will try to organize a rendition of this particular game… only maybe with drinks. IN ADDITION. Not that I’m as interested in these things these days, but do you remember that a Star Crunch cookie was only five cents?? Or that a NuttyBar was only 10 cents? Or that they served delicious square pizza??? #IWonderWhyIWasFat

Nap Time: Dude, this really needs no explanation. I used to hate it when my teachers forced us to take naps. I would do anything to resist the nap. I’m pretty sure I LITERALLY held my eyeballs open just to prove a point. But if my boss came to me now and told me “Carissa, you must force yourself to shut up and go to sleep for 45 minutes,” I would probably clip her toenails with my teeth. Seriously. Make me take a nap! PLEASE!

Recess: Another given. Fun and beneficial. Can you imagine if we got recess for thirty minutes every day? And I’m not talking about a cigarette break in the back of the office, but a recess where everyone was forced to go outside and “play?” I would be a thousand times more productive. Not only would I have the chance to hone up on my four square skills (because, yes, I was am-haze-ing) but I could also take out some much needed aggression on my co-workers in a friendly game of dodge-ball, or “tie your head up in a teather ball string.”

Talent Shows: I’ve talked a lot about this today, both on Facebook and on Twitter, and I was being quite serious. I’m sick of all these shows that showcase talent. You can take your “American Idols” and “So You Think You Can Dance” and shove em’. (Although I really do love SYTYCD) The real fun is where there isn’t any talent. I wish I had a way to post some of my early talent show videos for you… dancing to Debbie Gibson and Kris Kross… Singing to Night Fever… Lip Synching to New Kids on the Block. Wobbly Arms and no rhythm… THATS where the entertainments at. I would so spend hours making up a dance to Britney Spears, even today.

So basically what I’m saying is that we should have a talent show. What would you do? There’s no rules here.

And also, SHOULD I GO TO THE REUNION!?!?!?

Today, though… I am determined to make today a good day.  I have no excuse for it not to be!

For one, I’m off work today! I know a lot of you suckers had Monday off to celebrate the dude who discovered America… well I, for one would much rather be off on a Friday when I actually feel good.

Things have been kind of hectic in my life lately, and I haven’t exactly been in the best of spirits.

But by george, I’ve got plenty of reasons why I know this weekend WILL be a success.

First thing this morning, I’m heading to the post office to get myself a passport.  I am a total loser, and I haven’t been out of the country since my senior trip after high school, but I’m tentatively planning on going to Mexico in December- and I’m pumped!

Note to self: Your passport has the potential for being around for the next 10 or so years. Do not make this like your license. Fix your hair. Put on a descent shirt, and for the love of God- at least use spit and a t-shirt to remove the black from under your eyes.

OK.

Back to my weekend.

I get to see my sister, for the third weekend in a row! I know that doesn’t sound like a huge deal, but we sometimes go months without seeing each other, and right now there is no one in the world that I would rather spend time with.

Additionally, one of my best friends who I haven’t seen in forever is in town this weekend. This is the girl who sent me a pair of traveling pants a few months ago when I was upset about a boy. Have I mentioned how great my friends are?

At some point this weekend, even if it isn’t until Sunday, I am going to go see Where the Wild Things Are. I have seriously been neglecting the cinema lately, and my insides are starting to ache a little.

On top of that, I am going to the State Fair today! I’ve never been before. I’m going to try my best to resist trying this fried butter that I keep hearing so much about. ( BARRRRFFF) But mostly I want to act like a fourteen year old who just got their braces off and is running around yelling “yippeeeeee,” and riding every ride.  Maybe I’ll even find a dreamy boy to ride the ferris wheel with… and maybe just maybe, he’ll pull the stretch yawn move and put his arm over my shoulder. (Anyone remember that?)

As if I need to add anything to make this weekend even more perfect, but Saturday is homecoming at my college- and I am super excited to get to go back. I’m sure I’ll run into people who I haven’t seen in a long time, and for the first time in a while- I am actually kind of excited about running into people!

I’m usually that girl who puts her head down I see you, and feigns that I don’t recognize you. But today I have a bit of an incentive to be a little more confident.

If you’ve been following me you know that a few years ago I was pretty close to becoming a contestant on The Biggest Loser. For the trip to the final round of eliminations in Los Angeles, they told everyone to pack a “goal” item of clothing. I chose a black dress that I had kept from my senior year in high school. It wasn’t anything special, just a sleeveless dress from Express, but it has become a very important item of clothing for me in the last couple years as I have been struggling to lose weight. I have kept it tucked away at my parent’s house, and every few months I pull it out and try it on… just to see. Well this last weekend I pulled it out from it’s hiding place, you know… just to see…

And sweet baby Jesus!  It actually  fit!!!! I don’t plan on actually wearing this dress anytime soon… or maybe I will… to get my passport picture taken in. You know, just because I can.

Just so you get a better idea as to why I am so excited, you have to realize that I couldn’t even get this dress over my boobies 2 years ago.

I don’t have many pictures left of myself from that size, (because I destroyed them all) but here is the best I can find… And I can’t believe I’m resurrecting this.

yeah, that's me on the left.

But alas, after 2 long years, about a million trips to the gym, and very little bread… Here I am in this very old dress that I have grown a tiny bit obsessed with. (Please ignore my face in this picture. No makeup+no sleep= kinda scary.)

Welp, I can’t believe I’m going to post this. But there it is! That’s me!

Happy weekend yall!

I picture myself giving my Academy Award acceptance speech, and  receiving kisses of congratulations from John Cusack and James Franco. I see myself as a guest on This American life, and afterward Ira Glass takes me out for a picnic dinner where his melodic voice puts me in a trance by telling me his own life story.  Whenever I drive, I imagine that my life is a movie- and whatever song is on in the background determines the reason that I am driving, in this particular scene of the movie. In fact, right now I’m imagining  myself eating a big bowl of pasta instead of this freezer-burned lean pocket that I have doused with Tabasco sauce in order to make it semi-edible. I basically pride myself on being able to daydream myself out of any situation.

At night, it is a whole other story.

I rarely “night dream,” probably because when I go to sleep- I have usually passed out from ambien, benadryl or wine…

But when I do dream at night, my brain seems to lose all sense of humor, creativity, and variety. It probably means something ominous, but I never have happy dreams. I have never dreamt that I was flying, or that I’ve won the lottery. Nope. My brain seems to only have 4 dreams on the dreamreel that it enjoys torturing me with- time and time again.

The first and least scary, is the very common “teeth falling out” scenario. Sometimes this dream plays out like that episode of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,” where Charlie loses one tooth, then  keeps pulling them out just to see if he can. Other times I will be eating something in the dream, and I notice a gritty feeling in my mouth. I spit and realize that my teeth are slowly crumbling into bits that feel like sand. I’ve heard that these dreams can mean that I’m feeling guilty about something or that I am not in control of a situation in my life… and suppose either of these interpretations could ring true.

I also tend to dream about life in a  post-apocalyptic world. I used to have tornado dreams all the time, where the wind would lift my body as my fingernails dug into the earth in an attempt not to end up in Munchkin land. In more recent years, the disaster has progressed from mere windstorm- to total destruction of the entire earth. Usually in this dream I find myself in a building with a few random people that I have known in my life. We are drifters and are the only people left on  earth. Sometimes we venture out in groups through the fire and smoke filled streets to try to find a rat to munch on. Buildings are falling everywhere and sometimes I think I see a glimpse of one of my parents or a friend. I usually wake up around this point in a panic…

Another dream I have more and more often lately- is the one where I am back in high school or college, and I have no idea when the last time I went to class was, or where any of my classes are. I have been out of school for five years and I still convince myself in my sleep that I have missed 3 exams and there is no possibility of my getting to graduate. I also wake up from these dreams in a panic; but it is the best feeling in the world to realize that instead of missing a semester of school and not knowing where I’m going- I have to go to work, and have absolutely no idea what I’m doing with my life.

The fourth recurring dream is by far the worst. I’m kind of embarrassed to tell you about it, even though it has never really happened in real life. Here goes. I have these awful nightmares where I am at work or some other public place and I have to go to the bathroom really really bad. To be clear- when I say “go” to the bathroom, I do mean go go to the bathroom. In these dreams, the urgent feeling suddenly comes to me and I am filled with great fear.  I can hear my co-workers calling my name as I rush by, knowing that something is terribly wrong. Just as I open the bathroom door, I know it is too late. I’ll leave the rest to your imagination, but the scenario always ends the same. Someone comes to check on me, and I have to tell them the truth. Even in my dreams I know that there is no escaping walking into an office smelling and looking as if I just took a swim in a sewer without anyone noticing. I always wake up from these dreams  amazed that I don’t  have to go go in real life.

I’ve tried looking up what the significance of this dream in numerous online dream dictionaries to no avail. I suppose it could just be a warning to me about whatever shitstorm is coming my way. Let me know if you are a dream intrepeter and can solve this little mystery.

6:40 am: alarm goes off. I hit snooze.

6:45am: repeat

6:50am: repeat

6:55am: repeat

7:00am: repeat

7:05am, 7:10am, 7:15am: repeat, repeat, repeat

7:16am: a private moment in the restroom… and brush my teeth at the same time. Then hop back into bed.

7:20am-ish: Flip onThe Today Show…Grab the clothes i left in a pile next to my bed. Get dressed while trying to stay under the blankets. Throw hair in a ponytail. Using spit and the inside of my shirt, I wipe the black from under my eyes. Take the make up bag and mirror left strategically next to my bed, and smear on some eyeliner. Notice I just got completely ready- in bed.

7:27am: Let out a loud, annoyed sigh and get out of bed. I walk/run into the kitchen and grab a lean cuisine, a protein bar, and a cup of joe.

7:35am: Jump in the car and take off.

7:38am: Reverse, run back into the house and grab whatever I happened to forget. eg. Phone, ipod, book, gymclothes.

8:10am: Arrive at work, late.

8:15am-10:20am.: Check facebook approx. 9 times. IMDB whatever movie I watched the night before, Gchat and email with the girlfriends to discuss our boredom. All with my firefox screen shrunk down to the size of a post it.

10:20am-11:30am: Open and close files. Stare at computer screen.

11:30am-12:30pm: Lunch time! I can finally surf the net in the open. Eat a lean cuisine. As. slow. as. possible.

12:30pm-5:00pm: see the 10:20-11:30 time slot above.

5:00pm: I smile, and leave.

5:30pm: Gym. (usually) Listen to podcast whilst working out.

7:00pm: Spend about 1 hour walking aimlessly around grocery store. If I go into Central market go ahead and tack on another hour and a half.

8:00pm: Eat something.

8:20pm: Feel guilty about ruining my workout with whatever I ate. Open a bottle of wine to cease my guilt.

9:00pm: Shower. (usually)

9:05pm-10:45pm: Sit in front of computer while listening to whatever my roommates are watching. Sometimes I get to watch what I want to watch…

10:45pm: pop a unisom.

Sometime before 1:00am: sleep, if I’m lucky.

I hope you enjoyed my really fucking exciting life. Can’t wait to do it again tomorrow.