I used to be the kind of girl that watched all sorts of shows. In high school, I had a daily line up of TV that I would “just die” if I missed. Daily, I would leave giant notes on the kitchen table, reminding my father to push record on the VCR at precisely 7:00pm so that I would get to watch “Beverly Hills 90210,” “Party of 5,” (I would have done ANYTHING to be a Salinger) “Friends,” or “Felicity.” I would rush home from dance class to catch up on “Dawson’s Creek” and “Louis and Clark Superman.” Every Tuesday night I was glued to the TV to catch the latest episode  of “Buffy.” I even managed to schedule my classes so that I could be home to watch the daily disaster of a soap that was “Passions.”

It was only recently that I realized that most of my friends still have their TV rituals… and I do not. Oh there are a few shows that I still watch and enjoy when I manage to catch them (usually on TIVO,) but there aren’t any that I would change my schedule around to watch.

Yesterday as I was eating dinner, I sat down to watch the second episode of “Parenthood.” I had managed to catch the first episode (on TIVO) and had really enjoyed it. About five minutes or so into the episode I got up to check my email, and never came back. I thought about it a few times, but finally decided that I would rather watch “Star Trek” for the 14th time than get involved in a TV show. Even as I was clear in my decision, it bugged me. Why wouldn’t I give this perfectly adequate show a chance?

And then it dawned on me. I have developed a relationship pattern with television that is nearly identical to the relationship pattern that I have with men.

When I was young and care free, I fell in love easily. I would watch any old show that came along, and I would watch it with passion. The shows that I watched didn’t have much depth, but that didn’t matter. All that mattered was that they entertained me. Most of the shows that I watched in high school, ironically ended about the same time that I graduated. Either that, or I lost interest when I moved away and didn’t have cable. It was the first time I realized that shows ended. That made sad. I grew up with those programs. I learned from them, both literally and figuratively. Then they were just gone, some without warning, leaving a big empty gap in my life.

Some of the shows that I watched in high school ended up in syndication, which kept my interest for a while until they became redundant. Eventually I quit watching them all together as my taste in television began to change.

I had to try out a few different genres before I really figured out what interested me. There was a time when I was all about the drama. I liked the shows that would leave me with a cliff-hanger, having to wait a full week to see what would happen next. There was a very short amount of time when I really liked the trashy shallowness that reality shows had to offer. For a while,  I was even really taken with educational programming, and stayed glued to TLC and The Animal Planet, for no other reason but because sometimes it feels good to spend time with someone who watching a show that can teach you a little something. Eventually they all bored me.

Then I found myself in a long pattern of falling for the more “quirky” types of shows like “Mr Show” and “Greg the Bunny.” I became obsessed with “Arrested Development,” and  “Freaks and Geeks.” They were the unconventional types of shows that didn’t interest everyone, but I saw that they had something from the beginning. It took me a while, (probably right around the time that Pushing Daisies got canceled) before I realized the fundamental problem with these types of shows. For whatever reason, lack of self-promotion or maybe self confidence -these shows never last. They almost always leave me are canceled within 2 or 3 seasons, leaving me without any sort of closure.

I have finally gotten to the point where I am afraid of falling for a show and investing my time in it. I’m scared that as soon as I do, it will go off the air, leaving me wandering what would have happened next.  Even the shows that that I love that I have been more been more faithful to like “Scrubs” eventually become finicky. I  hear one week that they have been canceled, only to be renewed at the last minute, and eventually they will completely jump the shark. (God Bless you “Scrubs.”)

I think I finally know what I’m looking for. I want the whole package… something that is,  for the most part- thought-provoking, funny, and with just enough drama to keep me interested. The problem is that you actually have to invest a little time into something to know for sure if that’s what you have, and that is down right frightening to me. I know that I will never find a show that I love if I never turn on the TV. I also know that no show is perfect, but there is bound to be a television show out there that would appeal to me long term.

Maybe it’s time that I end this ridiculously long metaphorical post and go watch that second episode of “Parenthood.” Although please believe me when I  tell you that you should read no further into the title of that show. I was talking about boys here, not babies.

I’m not a fan of ending a post with a question, but have you ever felt this way? and how do you people get over this (for lack of better word) jaded-ness?

Writing out the title of this post just brought me back to those uber-dork days. Just thought I’d share that.

My dad’s family has a really amazing farm out near Crawford, TX. My dad recently started staying out there, and I have to tell ya’ll, despite the fact that there is no heat, there is a lot of poison ivy, and there is always the possibility of being eaten by wild hogs-I’m a little bit jealous.

The place is absolutely beautiful and some of my most favorite memories happened out there. There is a lot of land, your typical barn house,  and a little white house that is surrounded by a picket fence… and a creek called “Hog Creek” runs through the land and as a dam and everything. It’s perfect.

Da house

Hog Creek

My sweet grandparent's in front of my favorite tree in the world.

A Cow.

When I was young, my family would spend the weekends out there and my days would be spent catching trees fish, wading in the creek or a metal tub, or walking the grounds playing pretend or trying to get the horses to eat grass out of my hand. Even now my family goes out there quite often to shoot guns and fish.

If you had any doubt I was a true Texan, I hope I cleared that up.

My family decided long ago, that if there were ever any nuclear wars or zombie attacks, the farm would be our meeting place. Besides being near the likes of George W…. I do think that it is the ideal place for an emergency.

I always thought it would be kinda fun to have to live out there on nothing but wild animals and beer.

I think I could survive. I’m sure it would be a little tough, but I could handle it. I mean… I wouldn’t even have to shower very often, or maybe ever. How awesome would that be? I’ve even already learned some very important rules about living off the land. Like a few years ago, my friend LA decided we would paint our faces with the juice that comes out of the pretty fruits that grow on cacti. Not a good idea. Those little fruits have many invisible, yet painful tiny little stickers that will stay in your skin for weeks.

ANNNND I won’t try that again.

But moreover, I yesterday as I was perusing facebook all day for a few moments in my spare time at work- I remembered the main reason that I could never live out at the farm. You see, I saw my dad’s newest facebook profile picture….

Someone in my family tree

Yes. My father decided to change his profile pic. to be a picture of one of my ancestors. I really feel bad not knowing who he was exactly as I’m sure I’ve been told many a time, but regardless-we are related.

Harmless enough, right?

WRONG.

You see, when I was a kid I have always had a very vivid imagination. When I was a child I was scared of monsters under my bed, monsters in the toilet, monsters in the closet, zombie pets, moving dolls, spiders, aliens, the Jabberwalkie from Alice in Wonderland… and a wall in my farmhouse that has pictures of several of my ancestors hanging on it. This being one of them.

I know, I know. They’re just pictures of people whom I share my blood with, but ya’ll don’t understand the fear that their faces put it in my heart. Whenever I walked around the house , especially at night- I could feel their presence. Their eyes follow you around the room. And they all look so sinister. I guess I was afraid that they would crawl right out of those photos and beat me with a wooden paddle or something.

I got my dad to take pics of the others and send them to me. They aren’t the best quality, but you get the picture. hehehe, no pun intended.

OK so this one is a little handsome....

I bet she would wash my mouth out with soap.

This is my favorite. Clearly we are related.

Ok so they aren’t as scary here on this page. But I’m telling you people, in the house, at night… It’s a whole different story!!!!

I wonder what John Cusack’s ancestors look like. Since I am John Cusack’s girlfriend and all.

And don’t forget to ask me questions (in the comments, email, or tweet me bitches!!!) Anything on any topic… and I will answer! Or make something up. I will start answering them next week. Thanks for those who have already submitted some!

Have a humpalicious day!

First, off- I highly implore you to head over to That Kind Of Girl’s site and check out her giveaway. If you’re not currently following her blog, you need to do that as well!! I can’t say enough good things about this girl!

Every year on Christmas Eve,  I used to wait up and try and catch a glimpse of Santa Clause…

In fact, I still try sometimes.

I have never  seen Santa Clause. I did see my dad putting my presents on the couch a couple times though. I think he felt bad that Santa didn’t come for me, so he decided to pretend he was  Santa to make me feel better, since as far as he was concerned- I was a well-behaved kid.

I’m pretty sure I was ex-ed off the “Nice” list many years ago, and though I’ve tried to be a good person, he must have decided to keep me on the “naughty” list.

The last few days I’ve been racking my brain about all the bad things I may have done throughout my life that may have gotten me exiled off of Santa’s good kid list.

I figure if I finally come clean, he’ll put be back on.

Here’s the short list:

*I have been mean to people behind there backs. As a rule, I really really try hard not to talk shit. I don’t want shit talked about me behind my back, so I don’t do so to others. But I do remember one time, back when everyone used 3-way calling (in Jr. High) when I said some really mean things about a boy who liked me. Unbeknown to be, he was on the phone listening in. I may have said something along the lines of  “Ewwww I don’t like him… he has pimples and is fat!” But if it makes things any better, I felt reallllly bad about it, and still do.

*That may have not been the only time I talked bad about someone or gossiped…

*In Jr. High I even helped coordinate a slam-book, and when I got called into the principal’s office- I denied, denied, denied.

*I think I may have been responsible for the death of a hamster. I threw it in the air and it got caught behind my bed where it was squished to death.

* My car has also been responsible for the deaths of other animals. Oh that’s not all. Does it still count if it wasn’t on purpose??

*I’ve accidentally “stolen” things from my friends and family. This weekend when I was at my friend LA’s house, she couldn’t find her navy sweater. I admitted that I accidentally took it home, but I told her that I hadn’t worn it, although I did wear it just the day before. I also took my mom’s glow-in-the-dark bug necklace last weekend. And her zombie skeleton necklace. But with the full intention of giving them back.

* I have been mean to people for no reason at all. One time in particular that I remember. When I was young, my mother put me in a few “beauty pageants.” I hated those things. I still can’t stand the scent of hairspray. Anyways, I never actually won anything for my “beauty,” but I did win a few awards- they were mostly for things such as “Best Personality.” I remember once I had a family friend over to play. She wanted to wear one of my crowns, and I told her she wasn’t pretty enough. I was only about 7 years old, but I still remember it. Even back then I knew that was one reason Santa didn’t come for me. That, and I didn’t have a chimney.

*I sneak things into the movie theater, and sometimes sneak into movies. I am a cheap-ass. I figure if I’m paying $9.00 for a movie, they should owe me the courtesy of letting me bring in my own snacks.  My roommates and I have even gone so far as to do extensive research to find out what kind of wine and plastic cups the Angelika uses, so that we can bring in our own booze. Sometimes I even go to up to three movies, when I only pay for one ticket. I’m basically a criminal.

*I’ve also been guilty of watching streaming movies on line before they were released on video. But I’ll probably get arrested for mentioning this so I won’t.

* I used to be mean to my little sister. I used to tell my little sister that there was a ghost who came out in a certain room at my grandparent’s house every day at 1:00. I would wait until I heard the clock strike one, then I would push her in there and hold the door closed while she went into panic mode.

*I skipped many classes in college. I probably could have graduated a year earlier if I really tried. I probably wasted a lot of mine (and my parent’s) money.

*I used to use my dad’s Texaco card for things other than gas. My dad probably paid for a good thirty-five cases of Keystone Light and about 100 bags of beef jerky back in my college days.

*I peed in the water cooler. I’ve already admitted to on Lilu’s post secret TMI Thursday post secret addition, but I figure since I’m trying to get gifts to come clean for my own consciousness’s sake, I might as well admit it here too. To be fair, it was empty, I wasn’t the only one, and it was on a dare.

*I may have been slightly naughty this past weekend, but I don’t want to go into details about that…

*I may have been naughty two weeks before that too… also not gonna talk about it.

*Ok. There have been lots and lots of times I have been “naughty” in my life that I am not going to talk about on my blog, unless it’s a TMI post or something.

*Fuck!!!! If I really  think about it, I’ve been a bad, bad girl.

*Who has overdrawn bank accounts.

*Who presses ignore on her phone out of laziness.

*Who has promised to see movies with people, then went with someone else, and then went again pretending it was the first time.

*Who has pretended to be a “flake” on occasion, when really I just didn’t want to go somewhere.

*Who has called in sick to work when she was hungover.

*Who has a fucking potty mouth every now and then.

Dear Santa,

If you’re out there reading, please forgive all my wrong doings. I know I’ve been real bad and I’m quite sorry. If you would be so kind to take me off the naughty list, I promise I will try to be a better girl next year. I don’t even want anything for Christmas this y ear. Unless of course you’d be so kind as to spare me some cash so I can go skiing with my friends. And maybe a new pair of running shoes because my current ones nearly have holes in the toes. And perhaps a new bed, as I am moving in a few months and don’t own my own. And if you could pay off my tv that would be great. I could also use a new hair straightener, a Chi to be precise… if of course that’s not too much to ask. If you don’t mind, I’ve also really been wanting the last two seasons of Scrubs and the entire series of It’s Always Sunny, since someone stole mine. I also would LOVE not to have to buy my own digital camcorder and editing equiptment. You know what? Go ahead and throw in health insurance; a new car; an iphone… or at least a Blackberry; a new laptop (Apple;) and heck, while we’re at it, a really nice, funny,  smart, and good looking boyfriend.

You know, since you’ve missed out on all these years of giving me things.

Thanks bunches of oats,

Carissajaded

*Scrubs is coming back on December 1!!!!

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Wait, rewind…. I don’t actually know how I really feel about this.

Let me backtrack a bit.

Have I mentioned my obsession with this show? It’s almost as big as my obsession with John Cusack if that tells you anything. I know it’s a show that people either love or hate, and I love love love it.  Or at least I did. Last season was supposed the last, but ABC decided to renew it last minute. Only it’s not the Scrubs that we know and loved seasons 1,2,3,4,5, and 8… Season 9 is basically supposed to be  a “New Class” version of the show. As I understand it, Zach Braff is only scheduled to be in a few of the episodes, and the focus is mostly on a group of med-students.

As much as I love this show, I’m not sure how I feel about them trying to stretch it out “Saved By the Bell” style. I think sometimes it’s just best to let good things die when they are still good. I’m not going to write it off completely, but I’m definitely on the fence. Plus, Scrubs creator Bill Lawrence has already given us Cougar Town this year, so I will still have that to be thankful for.

*This is semi-related, but that’s ok. In a Scrubs episode a while back, JD claimed that “So is your face” is the perfect comeback. I believe he said “So is your face, always makes sense.” As far as I am concerned, he was correct. I have been using “your face” in some form, as a comeback for everything  for at least three years now, and it hasn’t gotten old yet… at least not for me.

Check it:

An asshole: Ughh… You are always late!!

Me: Your face is always late…

An asshole: Your breath smells like turkey shiz.

Me: So does your face…

An asshole: Sphincter says what?

Me: So does your face…

See? Never fails.

*OK, this one is also related. I guess I could have written this as a normal post, but I’m not turning back now people.  Has anyone else noticed how many famous people are doing voice-overs for commercials lately? I get a little distracted every time I hear Zach Braff’s voice doing the new Brita water commercials. He also did the puppy’s voice in the Cottenelle commercials a while back. Don’t get me wrong, I get a little excited in all the right places every time I hear his voice, but I don’t understand why companies get famous people to do their voice work for commercials. I doubt people who aren’t major fans even recognize them, and it seems it would be a lot cheaper to get lesser known people to voice them.

*Back when I didn’t have cable and watched nothing and Scrubs episodes on DVD, I got so used to hearing Zach Braff’s voice narrate the show-that he basically started doing it for me in my head. I didn’t mind a bit. The only person I would rather have do the job is Morgan Freeman.

*I know it’s a little bit early (37 days til Christmas, but who’s counting?)  but I’m really excited about the holidays. I love putting up a tree and decorations. I love Christmas scented candles. And I love holiday movies.  I’m not even the least bit embarrassed admitting to the world that I’ve seen every Lifetime and ABC family Christmas movie that has come out in the last 10 years. Not to mention the count on the classics like “Its a Wonderful Life,” “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation,” “A Christmas Story,” and “A Charlie Brown Christmas.”

But if you’re a real Scrubs Christmas fan, surely you’ve seen this?!

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*For those of you still reading, I promise I’m done with the Scrubs talk. I pinky promise. Now I’m just gonna straight up bitch for a second! My roommates have decided to see how long we can go before we turn the heat on this winter. I know, yes it’s true, I live in Texas. It probably won’t snow once this season… but still. It’s cold to me! There is nothing that I hate more than waking up so cold that I can’t get out of bed. If this goes on for much longer, I will definitely need to take action. Please let me know if you have any ideas.

*My roomies have also taken to making or buying deserts at least once a week. This week they made homemade pumpkin pie. My waistline, my sleep schedule, my trainer, and my back right cavity molar all hate you right now. But my heart is happy.

*I am going to take a moment to complain once more about my face. I’m 27 years old. I have always been one of those people who could boast “I never wash my face, and I never get pimples.” I am now eating my words in a major way.

Image via Wikipedia

*If there is anyone in the world with whom I have an obsession that even comes close to that of John Cusack, it is Zach Braff. And also, I am a liar.

First off, I have a confession. I totally cheated on my “no drinking for almost a week” pact with myself. I have no excuse, except for I really suck at life. If it makes up for anything, it was only a few beers, and I still didn’t get any sleep. But i did have a good night.

Moving on…

Every month or so I like to take a looksie at the search terms people have used to find my page. I really hate for people to end up on my site looking for some specific information, only to leave dissatisfied and empty handed. Therefore, I will do my best share with you my knowledge about some of the more popular search terms used to get here.

If you came here by way of one of these terms, you’re welcome!

“hairy arse removal pads”

You’re not being very specific, but I am guessing that you are searching for ways to remove the hair from your “arse,” and not remove the hairy”arse” altogether (although I’m sure I can find someone for this as well.) I am no expert on arse hair, but I do have my experience (as you know) with hair on other parts of the body. If your arse hair is especially thick, I’m thinking you should stick with old fashioned shaving. If it is more sparce, you could try burning the hairs (in an open, well ventilated area) just be careful not to pass gas. You could also try plucking them, but you may need ass-istance, and that may be hard to find.

“carissa blog dallas”

There is a chance you actually found what you were looking for. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

“picture hand with red dot due to liver”

Why? Why would you do that to me?  You freakin bastard. I am already really paranoid about a little red dot on my arm and my liver. So sorry, won’t find any information on this here. I try not to think about it, maybe you should do the same. Or try out web MD. But if it makes you feel any better, my doctor said it’s nothing to worry about. But then again, I don’t trust that guy. He once falsely told me I needed gallbladder removal.

“free pant pee poo movies”

I”m not so sure how you ended up here on this one. I can’t provide you with what you are looking for, especially for free, but you may want to google a little word called “scat.” (thank you gay friends)

“do you know that demented person?”

I’ve been called crazy, eccentric, nutty, unhinged, and cuckoo… but never demented so I know that you came here by mistake. Perhaps you were looking for him,  or him, or  her….

“how to make a pair of saggy boobs for haloween costume” (this was how it was spelled)

This was a popular one. There were also a few variations of this search including “home-made saggy boobs” Making Golden Girl boob sag” and “homemade booby.” I am no expert here, but I do have an idea. I say take a pair of pantie hose and cut them off around the calf. Stuff them with sand bags then sew the open end to your shirt at chest level. It doubt it will work, which is why for MY costume, I simply purchased a pair of saggy boobs on the internet. Good luck!

“a dying bird on the road bit my feet”

How very unfortunate for you! First off, you can’t be surprised that a dying bird bit your foot if you were stupid enough to stand in biting distance. You must have been nearly on top of that bird. It’s not like that bird has arms to reach out and pull your foot to it’s mouth. And what did you expect? The poor thing was dying and needed to take it’s anger out on someone!

And yes, you probably have rabies.

“diarrhea every time i urinate”

First off, congrats on your superb ability to spell diarrhea, I never get that right! Second, so sorry to hear about your problem. I wish I could say I haven’t been there. I bet it burns. I’m no doctor, but I would say to decrease the burning sensation, try sitting on a cool washrag or an ice cube. Otherwise, quit drinking so much beer, try to eat some more veggies, and maybe try to squeeze to hold it in.

“effects of swallowing a spoonful of cinnamon”

It’s a good thing you asked before you tried. While this may seem like a fun party trick, I can tell you first hand- there is nothing fun or funny about it. When you first swallow a heaping spoon full, you think you’re going to be able to handle it. After the first little bit goes down, you start to wheeze a little, and small particles of cinnamon start to float around in your trachea. Then you will undoubtedly try to take a sip of water because you are nearly choking to death, which only solidifies the cinnamon into a mush in your throat. At this point, your best bet is to start trying to push it out the way it came in.

“carissa mustache facebook”

There is only one picture that I can think of that you may be referring to:

Unless of course you zoom in, then any of my pictures may apply.

“holy shit its james franco fuck me sideways”

I’m not sure why this brought you here, but I agree full heartily. In fact, I’ll expand on sideways, and go ahead and include any missionary, doggie, fuck! I’ll take any position in the book. I wish I could share him with you… but I can’t let you leave here empty handed, so…

Image by danzden via Flickr

“my pee hole dropped to my vagina”

If this did in fact happen, then bravo to you my friend. Ohhhh… I wouldn’t be too proud or go around telling potential boyfriends or anything (because you are a freak.) But dude! Go turn yourself in for medical research! You could probably make loads of money. And when you do, don’t forget who told you this golden advice.

“pooping”

This is a very broad subject. I think I’m just going to have to refer you to my friend, Dr John Dorian for this one.

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*to take an ambien and possibly risk ambien drinking and waking up late or to not take an ambien and risk not being able to sleep until 3:00am and waking up late..

*to leave my spot on the couch a little bit early and stand in my closet for 30 minutes trying to find something that fits me to wear to work tomorrow, or to  enjoy myself for just a little longer- but wake up late and wear wrinkled dirty clothes…

*eat some yummy chips and salsa and feel guilty about eating late night carbs, or resist the urge and instead satisfy my salty urge with a bag of chex mix from the vending machine in the morning…

*Conan, Letterman, or Scrubs reruns… or read…

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions…

What’s a girl to do?

Dear all of the users of the women’s bathroom in my office building,

I could be more specific in who exactly I’m addressing, but I don’t really want to embarrass you. Plus, I have bones to pick with several of you.

I realize we all sometimes have to “go go” during work hours. I understand that. But there are certain measures that we all should take in order to make the bathroom experience as pleasurable as possible.

First, lets do what we can to recreate your schedule so that you are, for the most part, not going during work hours. You should be able to do this with a few minor adjustments to your eating habits and your daily coffee ingestion.I see you coming into the building with your lunch, and it would  be to your benefit  (in addition to mine)  to vary up your lunch a little more than  simply switching between Taco Bell and Taco Cabana.

Also please note that you are not fooling anyone. You’re wearing scrubs and everyone knows that the dentist office is on floor three. Us first floor people have noses just like everyone else, and we would really appreciate it if you would keep to your own floor to do your business. I know that you’re probably scared (as you should be) that one of your co-workers will walk in and find out that your crap smells of 3 year old rotten cow carcass, but at least they know you on a personal level, so you get at least a shot at redemption. I, on the other hand, would now never give you the time of day based solely on the fact that you defile my bathroom instead of your own. It’s very rude and I don’t enjoy rude people.

Now on to the topic of flushing. It only takes two seconds. If you’re afraid of getting germs on your hands because you are too lazy to wash your hands, then use your foot. Only wheelchair lady from the title company has any excuse for leaving their poo for everyone to see. If it’s because you’re proud, take a picture and show it to your roommate. They might get a kick out of it, but I most definitely do not. Also please note that when one flush isn’t enough, go ahead and flush it again. You’re not having to pay the water bill, and I’m sure whoever does will agree with me in saying that sometimes the remains are even worse that the whole dump.

I’m sure I don’t even need to tell you that it is completely unacceptable for you to leave droplets on the seat. If you’re gonna squat, then please give everyone else the courtesy of at least checking to make sure you didn’t miss. When I’m at a bar I can expect to have wet thighs if I am dumb enough to sit down, but I shouldn’t have to deal with the same repercussions in the office building. I’m assuming since you have a job that you have been peeing on your own for at least 18 years. Even if you are not a “professional” in your career by now, you should be a professional pee-er. Prove it.

I will be the first to admit that I’ve often been guilty of bringing my phone into the restroom. You would not know this because whenever you walk into the bathroom I promptly hang up, mid sentence if need be. I come into the restroom to talk because I don’t want my dragon shirt wearing co-worker to know my private affairs. I will do you a favor and keep you out of my private life as well. Please provide me the same courtesy and refrain from chatting it up in the bathroom. Its bad enough that you don’t have enough pride to wait until I’m finished before you start taking your shit, but to hear the details of your one night stand while doing so? Not cool.

I’m really not trying to come down too hard on you, even I will admit to the occasional office shit. What really bothers me  is it that the few times I have an emergency at work, you decide its the perfect time to put on makeup. You have forced me to work out muscles that I didn’t even know I had, because I (unlike you) refuse to crap while other people are in the room. I don’t know why you even bother with the makeup anyway. The only good looking guy from our building (mortgage Bentley driving guy) already has a lady so quit trying. Plus he wears white shorts with a white shirt,  sunglasses inside, and one of those retarded ear piece phones so I think we can assume he is a douche bag.

Finally, I have no idea how you manage to leave pubes on the toilet seat, but it’s disgusting. I have never seen pubes on a toilet seat that I know a man hasn’t used. Your either plucking them and leaving them on the toilet seat out of spite, or girl, you are wiping wayyyy to roughly. If you do this again I swear I’m not afraid to take the next step in the doodie duel. I will leave a used tampon there for your viewing pleasure. Try me.

Thanks in advance for changing your bathroom habits. If you don’t heed my advice, I have no apologies for the gagging noises I will make the next time your in the stall next to me.

Best Regards,

Carissa