Well I have them.

ALOT.

And this week seems to be one of them.

In fact, this whole year seems to be a big fat turd of a year. I’ve already started writing 2010 on my dates because I really just can’t wait for it to start.

A quick break from my whining. Do we say two-thousand and ten, or twenty-ten? Or is it two-oh-one-oh??? The plaguing questions we endure as we come to the end of a century. And who decides anyway? I guess Obama does. Lucky bastard. I’d say twennny – teyen, byatch.

Ok back to bitching. Because it’s my blog and I can do what I want. Plus I laugh when other

So far this week I’ve spilled at least 3 drinks, drove up on a curb nearly hitting two cars and a family (for the second time this month) stepped on my $300 pair of glasses, I completely failed a salmon dinner, I effed up everything that is possible to eff up at work (and convicts could do this shiz,) I lost my phone charger (but have already replaced one this month so don’t want to spend $30 for another one until I get paid,) I overdrew my bank account, and I just locked my keys in the car whilst it was running (trying to charge up said phone with car charger.)

Update*** The AAA guy looked like a really old and drunk Santa clause. I didn’t tell him. But I wanted to after he hocked a big one that landed on the hood of my car (that he laughed and then nearly choked to death about) and then told me “I oughtter take yer down by that there pond and give ya a whoopin.”

-I realize I should probably be using semi-colons not commas, I don’t care.

Bad ugly Santa.

Oh and like two seconds ago? I was carrying my fourth serving of delicious tin cheese popcorn to my desk in a napkin, and my napkin hammock somehow came apart. Don’t worry, I followed the five second rule. I left the kernels that I couldn’t get back into my napkin within five seconds on the ground so that the cleaning ladies would have something to do tonight.

Let’s not forget I’m 99.99998716729% sure one of those bishes stole my laptop.

On top of being at the peak of my hurricane season , I have just been a glass cage of emotion. I don’t know if it’s just this time of year or maybe I need some meds., but the slightest little things have been setting me off.

A few examples…

*I cried when I had to call in to work hungover. I get really nervous about these things,

*I cried when my boss called me after hours before listening to his voice mail… I was sure he knew I was hungover… turns out it was just his wandering if I wanted some deer meat.

*I cried during all seventeen Lifetime movies I watched this week.

*I cried listening to the opera boy on NPR the other morning.

*I cried listening to Kissmas on Kiss FM (where they give lots of free shit away people who need it, mee tooooo???)

*I cried after I picked up my gray sweatpants from the ground to see what was on the ankle, and then held it up to my nose and accidentally wiped (what I found to be) poop on my nose.

*I cried when I found out my bank account was overdrawn.

*I cried at that  fricking Travelers insurance commercial with the dog…

*My sister and I had at least 2 cry sessions on the phone, she cried because she was stressed about finals and boys, I cried because I hate boys and because I cry whenever anyone else is crying to me. And also because of that whole “our parent’s are fucking splitting up and Christmas isn’t going to be the same thing.”

Despite all of my tears and frustration, there have been A few moments where I have realized what this time of year is really about. A few times that tears have come to my eyes out of happiness, when I realize that I am so lucky, that I have so much. I know that everything will be alright. I know that I am loved.

And now I await the calm after the storm. It’s been a hell of a ride, 2009.

__________________________

And most importantly , Happy Birthday Daddy! I know I have not always been the easiest child to handle, but you have been the best dad that a girl could ask for.

I know things aren’t easy right now, but I am here for you now and always. I have leaned on you for 27 years and it’s about time that I step it up and return the favor for the rest of my family.

It probably doesn’t always come across how grateful I am, but really- I couldn’t have survived my

life without you!

I love you with all of my heart and thanks for putting money in my bank account!

Let’s make 2010 twennny – teyen, byatch the best year ever!!

Love,

Your pumpkinhead

Keeping the FML Friday theme, I’ll share some of the things that I totally suck at doing (and should be really awesome at by now.) Feel free to add your own and make me feel a little bit better about my life…

*Lighting a match- Why in God’s name is striking a stick against, what is essentially a piece of cardboard , so difficult? I usually go through at least a row of matches before I get one lit, and another row before I get one to stay lit long enough to light whatever it is that I’m trying to light.  Throw in the acrylic- nail -catching -on- fire- factor- and I’m in for what could potentially be a humongo disaster.

*Spelling common words such as Piece, Wednesday,Calendar, and License… etc.- Without spell check, the previous statement would have undoubtedly read: Spelling common words such as Peice, Wendesday, Calender, and liscense…ect. And yes, I did get my degree in English.

*Braiding  my hair without having to start over 3 times- Yeah yeah yeah. Even my hair dresser told me never to wear my hair in braids again because it makes me look 12. I don’t give 2 flying pieces of poop. I’m lazy, and sometimes I like to look like a Native American. I suppose it’s in my blood somewhere.

*Pulling the right string on the overhead light- Every morning it is the same routine. I wake up, stumble out of bed to turn on the light. I pull the string. The fan switches to full speed, but the light stays off.  I go over to the wall and flip the switch. The fan slows down but the light stays off. I go over and pull the other string. The light turns on but the fan also starts up again and I’m freezing. These things seriously need to come with directions. I have a very similar experience with the two strings on the window blinds.

*Typing the right nonsensical word in those fucking Captcha things- I’m not claiming to be the brightest bulb of the bunch, but I know should be able to conquer a captcha. I can see alright. I’m a functional enough typist. I’ve done exceptional on typing tests, so I know that I have the ability to look at words and then type the same exact words on my keyboard. What makes me even more mad, is when it says something snarky like “Are You Human?” above it. That’s like saying “Oh no fair!! This one is SOOO easy!!!! Seriously,  you’re an idiot if you don’t get this right” right before you ask someone a trivia question. I’m apparently an idiot human.

*Opening the right drawer for eating utensils and cups- I have lived in this house for seven months now. It’s not that I don’t know where they are. I guess when I’m looking for a cup I just automatically start opening up random cabinets. I inevitably open the wrong one first. I have know idea why. It’s like my brain just wants to fuck with me and make me think I’m going crazy. Or maybe I just am.

*Making a turn at the first long break in traffic- I have my blinker on, and I need to turn into a parking lot across the way. I’ve already been sitting there for five minutes, just waiting for a break in traffic. I’m concentrating as hard as I’ve ever concentrated on anything in my life, gauging the speed and the distance between the cars in the opposite lane. I calculate how quickly I will be able to accelerate. I think  “Oh that’s a cute little hybrid… I wonder if my credit is good enough to buy a new car…. Har har har that guy is picking his nose….”

There was a break… but I missed it.

*Getting the straw in my mouth without the use hands in the midst of a deep conversation- Please note that I am specifying that I cannot complete this simple action during deep conversation. I can usually do it just fine when I’m looking at the straw. But without that pertinent eye contact with the straw? Forget about it!! You would think the odds would allow me to get the straw in my mouth at least one out of every ten times, but it never seems to happen. I either end up doing that ever so attractive lip/tongue search for the straw thing, or the straw ends up poking me in the chin, cheek, or worst of all- up my nose (I have literally gotten a bloody nose twice from attempting this maneuver.) The thing that makes me the most frustrated about this particular act, is that girls in the movies sipping coke floats, sick people in hospitals,  and old people in nursing homes successfully put the straw in their mouth without losing an eye, ALL THE TIME!!

*Cooking popcorn in the microwave- I’ve tried punching in the time that the bag tells me to. I’ve tried pushing the button on the microwave that says “POPCORN.” It doesn’t matter. Every first attempt I make at popping popcorn in the microwave either ends up being too full of uncooked kernels, or ends up a big smelly lump of coal like substance.

*Playing a DVD in my DVD player- This used to be a task I could handle, but that was before every TV in my house needed 4 remote controls just to work. It’s never just as simple as putting the DVD in and pushing a button. Now, just to watch a movie, I have to figure out which button turns the TV on; what channel or setting the TV needs to be on to play a DVD; how to make the DVD play; and then wait… there’s still no fricking sound!!

So basically, I just suck at life…

But that’s ok because it’s Friday!

Happy weekend  everyone!