(Make sure you check out Lilu’s  TMI Thursday archives, I spent my morning there and had to join in)

Oh I am so going to regret publishing this one.

Men/Boys/Anyone who knows me in real life, you may want to cease reading this right about now…

Three weeks ago today was the last day of my “woman” cycle. (Frick, it’s already been 3 weeks?) You know how that last day goes. A tampon is more of a precaution than a necessity. So that Thursday night before I went to sleep, I went ahead and took that precaution.

The following evening I decided to make the 5 hour drive to visit some friends in Houston. Before I left, I ran through my mental checklist, making sure I wouldn’t get half-way there and realize I had done something traumatic, like forget my hair straightener.  About 30 minutes into the drive, I came to a dreadful realization. I couldn’t remember taking it out from the night before.

Since I had gone to work a little hungover and dehydrated that day (as I do most Fridays,) I knew I had only used the restroom a couple of  times in the last 24 hours- and neither of those times included tampon removal.

My first thought was “Oh my God, I have toxic shock.” I then briefly imagined myself into a headache and a bad case of the chills.

My second thought should have been “I need to find a gas station where I can pull over and take this out, pronto.”

Note: I have this thing when I’m on road trips where I absolutely will not pull over unless I’m 20 seconds away from pissing myself, or I see a sign that says “worlds best beef jerky”

And since there was no such sign in sight, my actual second thought was “I bet I can take this out while driving!”

Turns out it wasn’t so difficult, even when going 80 mph on the highway.  Luckily, I was wearing a skirt, and by keeping one foot on the gas- I was able to half way stand up and… well all you need to know is that it is possible.

It wasn’t until it was removed that I realized I hadn’t thought about disposal. I panicked for a moment that I would have to break my “no littering of tampons” clause and was just about to throw it out the window, when I spotted a paper bag buried under the junk pile on the floor board of my car.

I put it in the bag, threw the bag back onto the floorboard of my car, and within in a few minutes I was so caught up in listening to an episode of “This American Life,” that I completely forgot about my predicament.

Until this Monday, when I was rummaging through my car trying to find my glasses. I spotted that brown paper bag and it all came flooding back to me.

I am a disgusting, despicable person. And this is just one more reason why you should never ride in my car.

Basically it is a tool that allows girls to stand while peeing. I know! How has this idea not taken off already?

I now feel a little weird admitting that I would like to pee whilst standing. Not every time or anything. Just in certain situations. Come on, you have to admit that you were curious… as a child at least.

I’m not lazy… not at all. But how awesome would it be on road trips, not to have to worry about the state of the public restroom? Or when you’re camping… you wouldn’t have to worry about falling back into your own puddle when your drunk squatting in the woods. Sounds awesome. I still don’t really understand the logistics of the product… but they describe it as a “silicone funnel design.”

I was kind of thinking it would be something more like a water hose with some kind of suction cup or something.

I read about this on freep.com, in case your interested. I would link to it but it adds an  advertisement on my page that is really annoying.

Speaking of, I know I have been adding quite a few poems, but I have one that directly relates to this – that I will be posting shortly- if you’re interested.

My friends and I are heading down to the river this weekend to celebrate my Birthday. I am super pumped about the whole weekend, but probably more excited about the five hour drive than I should be.

For my best friend and I, road trips allow us the opportunity to practice a slew of traditions and luxuries that we don’t usually allow ourselves during our everyday lives. Additional people who happen to be in the car with us either thoroughly enjoy themselves, or they have the tendency to want to jump out after the first 30 minutes.

Many of our traditions just happen to include food. I have a personal philosophy that if you have to get up before 10am to go anywhere that is not work or the gym, you earn yourself a sausage biscuit from McDonalds. Road trips are no exceptions.

After scarfing down a sausage biscuit and/or a taquito, we usually go ahead and stop at a gas station to get snacks for the rest of the ride, because the ride goes so much more quickly when if you’ve got something in your mouth. (I realize now how entirely inappropriate that sounds.) We usually get an array of snack foods, and are not the type to skip out on something just because it may be messy or smell bad. The staples usually include spicy hot Cheeto fries (she gets Funyons,) beef jerky, Gatorade  sunflower seeds, about 3 bags of candy, a movie theater style pickle, and some form of chex mix.

After picking out our snacks, you can bet that we’re going to select a brand new pair of aviators for our drive. We do not discuss the fact that we already have at least two pairs of perfectly good sunglasses in the glove compartment.

Over the years we have invented several games to help pass the time, some of which have been specifically designed to freak out other drivers. . .  For example, if she’s the one driving which is usually the case,) she will put her seat back and pretend to be asleep, while I take the lower part of the wheel and try to keep a straight face. Even if no one notices, we are still entertained, which is all that really matters.

There are a few rules that we always follow on our road trips. One is that we will never have a set schedule. This tends to piss off people who we are supposed to be following and those who have plans with us in our destination city, but so be it.  We never hesitate to pull over when we feel compelled, even if it is the second store we’ve stopped at promising the world’s best beef jerky. And we always, always include certain songs in our road trip play list….

All time best Road Trip Songs… (Note that these are totally different than my all time favorite songs. Some of these would not even be acceptable on a normal car ride.)

10). Queen- Bohemiam Rhapsody- This song works best on a road trip if you have someone in the backseat so that you can re-act the scene from Wayne’s World.

9). Meatloaf- Paradise on a Dashboard Light- As I have stated before this is one of my all time favorite songs which I have now vowed not to sing, except for on road trips… I’m all alone on this one.

8).Bonnie Tyler-Total Eclipse of the Heart- This is also my “go-to” karaoke song. Must be sung Old School style, “ I efffinnn need you more tonighhhttt”

7). Mr Big- Be With You- The background “woooohooooaaaaa”s are more important than the actual lyrics.

6). Nate Dog and Warren G- Regulators- Because every once in a while it feels nice to pretend to know a rap song.

5). Billy Joel- We didn’t Start the Fire- Since we’ve never been able to successfully memorize the lyrics (though not for lack of trying,) we substitute the real lyrics with everything we are currently passing. It usually goes something like- “tree street Chevrolet sign gas station blue ca-ar bird lady drivin car motel 6 mccydees. We didn’t start the fire…”

4). Deep Blue Something -Breakfast at Tiffany’s- You try not to sing along…

3) Anything by Tom Petty- Sung in the style of Bob Dylan, of course.

2).  Disney’s Aladdin – A Whole New World and The Little Mermaid- ( a tie) “Part of that world”- I think I sound really pretty when I sing these. Don’t judge.

1).  Celine Dion- It’s All Coming Back-  This is hands down the all time best road trip song in the world. It must be sung at the top of your lungs. After this song is said and done, any frustrations you may have about being in the car for multiple hours will be released.