I am still planning on posting about each of them, but I figure I’ll start with the one that was both asked the most, and the one that will be the most difficult to recount.

So here it is for those of you who were curious: the story of how I was almost a contestant on The Biggest Loser (though it is not nearly as exciting as it sounds.)  I really hope I’m not gonna have NBC on my ass for talking about it, but I’m pretty sure that I’m in the clear after all this time.

I suppose I should start this with a little background. This is pretty much the story that I had to tell a million times during the audition process, so I suppose it is pretty pertinent.

I was never one of those kids who could eat whatever they wanted. I started watching my weight around the age of 10, and even more so when I got more into dance. It wasn’t that I was ever really “big” per se, it just didn’t come as easily to me as it did to others, or at least that’s the way it felt back then. I remember being in dance class and having to wear two piece outfits and feeling completely uncomfortable.

The older I got, the more uncomfortable I was with my body. We had to do monthly weigh-ins at dance, and there was nothing that plagued me more than the thought of gaining a pound or two and having it announced to everyone. Eventually my body image problems escalated into a full-fledged eating disorder. I am not going to go into details now, that might be better fodder for a TMI post, but let’s just say that eventually it got out of hand. Right before college I decided it was time to seek help.

I started out college as a dance major, which meant that I spent a lot of time in front of mirrors. At the same time I was trying to put a stop to my eating disorder, which consequently (and rightly so) made me gain weight. I knew that if I wanted to quit being destructive to myself, I would have to stop spending so much time examining myself.

I quit dance. I pretty much quit exercising altogether. I started eating and held it down. I learned to enjoy life without worrying about food and exercise and what people thought about the way I looked. I drank a lot. I ate horribly because I grew up being a terribly picky eater and really didn’t know any better.

And you know what? I had a fucking blast.

I was conscious, even at the time, that I was gaining weight at a rapid pace, but at the same time- for the first time that I could remember- I was really happy. I found new passions and I met people who didn’t talk obsess about their appearance. I found out that people liked me for more than my appearance.  I am aware now that I switched out one destructive behavior for another, but looking back- I really have no regrets. I don’t think that I’d ever be where I am now without going through that stage. I wish it could have been avoided but it wasn’t, and I’m a better person for it.

My first year after college, things started to get a little more difficult for me. I knew that I had gone to the other extreme, and I knew that I had to do something about it if I wanted to be healthy or if I wanted to live, for that matter. I noticed that people started treating me different because of my size. People can be really mean, and although I usually held my head high and shook it off, it hurt. Bad.

I’m a relatively small person (5’2″, or 5’3″ if you’re looking at my driver’s license) and when I went to the doctor and found out that I had reached 250 lbs I went into shock. I had completely avoided doctors and scales for the last 6 years, and although I knew I was big, I had no idea it was that bad.

I was working as an intern for a local on-line newspaper at the time, and when I learned that The Biggest Loser was holding auditions across from my office, I joked that I should try out. I had never seen the show, (it was only in the second season at the time, but I have still never watched it!!) but most of my friends watched it religiously. With a little encouragement from my closest friends, I decided that “all jokes aside,” this might be a good opportunity for me. After all, I did always want to be on tv (though not necessarily in a sports bra) and I knew that gut wasn’t going to lose itself.

When I walked into the first audition, I really didn’t know what to expect. I had filled out 20 pages of questions about myself, and was told that there would be a group interview. I remember walking into the restaurant (Dave and Busters, of all places) where it was held and being completely overwhelmed by all the… well the extremely large people. The majority of the people there trumped me in size by at least 100 lbs. I waited in line for nearly 3 hours before the first round of interviews.

They finally called my group of about 20 people into the “interview” room and sat us in a circle. I remember  being squished between two people and I was afraid that I wouldn’t be seen. They asked questions to the group and I was intimidated by all the loud, overbearing, (for lack of a better word) people fighting for attention. I didn’t do anything to stand out, I just sat back and waited for them to ask me a question directly, and when I answered I was nervous as hell.

And then after the interview as I was leaving the room, I tripped and fell, taking about 3 chairs down with me. I laughed and said something awkward, I’m sure… but afterward 2 of the casting people started laughing and talked to me a little longer.

A few weeks later I got a call that they were interested, and they asked me to make a video showing a glimpse of my life. I had no idea what to do, how to make a video, or how I should come across. So I got out my huge old camera and basically tried to do just what they asked. I filmed a little bit of my home life, some clips of me rapping at a bar, and made a spoof of an NBC “The More You Know” public service announcement.

After I sent my tape in I didn’t hear anything for another month or so. When I did, they asked me to go for another round of one on one interviews at a local fitness club. During this interview they had me tell my story and wanted me to cry a lot, which usually comes easy to me, but when put on the spot, it was nearly impossible. At one point the even wanted me to “dance” for the camera. I fell during this portion too… Not cool Carissa.

After another month that was full of phone interviews, background checks, and more paperwork- I was asked to go spend a week being sequestered in LA. I had to sign  (what seemed like) a thousand page contract and was not supposed to tell anyone where I was going. I was supposed to pack for 3 months, in case I got cast for the show.

The time I spent in LA turned out to be the most boring week of my life. They put me up in a really nice hotel room, but I wasn’t allowed to talk to any of the other contestants. I couldn’t leave without the accompaniment of one of the production assistants. Other than a 10 hour physical where they did everything but drug test my hair, and a few interviews and psychiatric evaluations- I spent the majority of the time dancing in my room with the air conditioning vent blowing on my hair whilst pretending I was in a music video. I started to convince myself that I wasn’t there for  The Biggest Loser after all, but for a reality show about the crazy things people do when they are trapped in a hotel room.

Every day they sent home more people. The production staff and casting directors all told me that the producers were digging on me, but I had no idea what to really think about any of it. Eventually the last day came around, and I was told that morning that in a few hours they would come to get me to take cast pictures and so I could get my t-shirt.

I waited…

and waited….

Finally, after several hours of pacing I called one of my favorite casting directors to see what was going on. She came up to talk to me in my room and I could tell it wasn’t going to be good. She basically explained that at the last minute they decided to go with another contestant. One of the producers was worried about the stigma that would come with having someone on the show that had previously had an eating disorder. She said that they really liked me and that there was a really good possibility that they would put me on the next season.

And yes, I basically went through the same process a year later… only to be told once again that “my story” wasn’t right for the season. I even got told at one point that if I could find a “bigger person” for the couples edition and make up a story about my relationship with them, that I would for sure get on.

The more this shit drug on, the more angry it made me. I am all about a little cheese and even a little drama, but I wasn’t going to lie on television. I also got sick of fake crying about my situation. I have been through a lot, but while I was a bigger person, I was still happier than I had been when I was sick.

To make a long story short, while the whole experience  pisses the hell out of me…  I still think I owe the majority of my weight loss to the Biggest Loser. After the last audition process, I grew really tired of waiting on someone else to fix my problems for me. I knew that if those people on tv could change their lives and lose  a ton of weight, then I could do it to… with or without Jillian Michaels.

And I have.

People ask me all the time “how I did it.”  I get really nervous every time I see someone that I haven’t seen in years because I know the question is coming. It makes me happy that people have noticed the changes that I’ve made, but I still get really flustered when it is brought up. I am proud at what I’ve achieved, but at the same time it kind of bothers me that it is such a big deal… even though I know it is.  I wish I had some magical answer. I hate when people say that their weight loss was just a result from working out a few times a weak and cutting down on cheese. I also get mad when people assume that I have had some sort of surgery or that I take diet pills.

The truth is, it wasn’t easy. It still isn’t. There are days when I feel weak and want to take the easy way out. There are days when I want to skip the gym. There are days when all I want to do is eat a pound of Reeses Pieces. And there are days that I do fall off the wagon and eat a good amount of Reeses Pieces, though now they are few and far between.

I’ve lost over a hundred pounds the last 2 years and there are times where I will see myself in the mirror and not recognize who I see. I’ve changed on the inside too, but all in all, I’m still the same person. I’ve been at both extremes and sometimes I am confused at where I stand. I still get really annoyed when I hear people making fun of  “fat” people, because in a way, I’m still that person. I can also now talk for hours about how addicting a healthy lifestyle is, and how much it can do for your mental state. I’m not sure I will ever be done with this journey. I don’t think it’s necessarily even a journey of weight loss, so much as it is a journey of figuring out how to make the most out of my life.

And there it is. Thanks for sticking with me throughout this ridiculously long post.  I actually feel better having talked about this, even though I don’t usually do so…. I think I’ll stay away from the serious for a while though. It hurts my head. Happy Humpalicious day people!

I woke up today in the best mood that I can remember being in, in a really long time. I don’t know if it is because I actually got some sleep or maybe I’ve finally been hit with some Christmas cheer, but either way, I’m going to run with it! I had a great, relaxing weekend. I finally got my Christmas shopping DONE and I got to spend some quality time at the Cinema which really does wonders for my attitude. On Saturday night I went to a “Tacky Christmas Sweater” party which was also a blast. I really love any opportunity to dress up in tacky clothing.

Sunday morning I woke up and checked my purse for all of my belongings, just as I usually do as I am very prone to losing things, and I was extremely bummed to find that my camera was missing. I spent the majority of the morning playing Sherlock Holmes/the guys from the Hangover trying to figure out where it might be. Just as I had written it off as forever lost (like everything else I’ve ever owned,) my friend LA (who I had ridden with and then slept on her couch) called and said she found it… in her purse.

So now I’m pleased to announce a truly momentous land-mark in my life. This Thursday will mark the one year anniversary of my camera and I. The longest relationship that I have ever had with a piece of “technology.” This includes computers, phones, voice recorders, and ipods. I never thought we would last this long. Oh sure, there have been a few close calls. I’ve come close to losing camera more than a few times, and he’s had to endure a few hard drops… But alas, we have somehow made it through this long year together. I’d like to thank all of the people that we’ve shared memories with and who have helped to keep us together this year. I am blessed.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, moving on.

Move over John Cusack, there's a new man in town.

I didn’t have time to put up any proper reviews today, mostly because after I saw Avatar in 3D last night, I spent about four hours looking up pictures of Sam Worthington and updating my Blockbuster queue with every movie he has ever made. Most of them don’t look like they will be very good, but I’m not biased where hotties are concerned.

Hopefully I will eventually get a chance to write a review, but for now I will just say that I was really surprised at how much I loved this movie. I had been really skeptical ever since the first trailer came out, and even wrote a post a while back about how I didn’t get the hype. I listen to a lot of film-related podcasts, (my favorites are The Movie Hour and Film Spotting) and this movie has been discussed for over 2 years now as one of the most anticipated movies to EVER be released. After watching the trailers, I had pretty much written Avatar off as nothing but a big-budget popcorn film that would be pleasing to the eye, but wouldn’t have an intriguing story. I was very wrong. I was hooked on the plot from the beginning- and the 2 hours and forty minutes really flew by.

I also saw “Everybody’s Fine” on Friday night. I’m not sure where I got the idea that this might be at least partially comedic (uh… maybe from the trailer) and I’ll let you form your own opinion, but I will tell you that for me, it was one of the most depressing films I have ever seen, right up there with “Rachel Getting Married.” If you read my post last Friday, you may remember that I was kind of an emotional wreck last week, and this movie really didn’t help the situation. I started tearing up about 10 minutes into the film, and straight up bawled the last 45 minutes. Maybe I needed a final round of therapeutic tears. I was exhausted by the time the movie was over and got a great night of sleep, so maybe I suppose it was worth it.

I’m going to go ahead and end this so that I don’t get depressed again thinking about that shitty-ass sob fest I had on Friday night, but before I do let me crawl out from under the rock I’ve been hiding under and ask you, how the hell am I just now seeing Vince’s Shlomi’s “Slap Chop” commercial? Last night my roommates and I were watching a CNBC special on “escorts” and high-end prostitution rings, ironically enough, when we were graced with the slap chop commercial- not one- but four times. This commercial in it’s pure form is entertaining enough. It boasts such lines as “This tuna looks boring. Stop having boring tuna. Stop having a boring life, “ and “You’re going to be in a great mood all day because you’re going to be slapping your troubles away with the Slap Chop.” And of course we cannot forget “ “You’re going to love my nuts.”

After a quick google search, I found out that DJ Steve Porter has taken this infomercial to a whole new level. I guess there is a chance I can owe my chipper mood to watching this about 6 times already.

I realize I’m about 5 months late on viewing this video, but if you’re like me and are oblivious to infomercials, enjoy.

[There is a video that cannot be displayed in this feed. Visit the blog entry to see the video.]

Image via Wikipedia

At the very least, I would like for the entire world to realize that Nickelback sucks hairy balls!

You know what? That’s not even fair. I am not even going to pretend that I know enough about music to say that they are musically shitty, because I’m sure they have at least a little talent or they wouldn’t be winning Grammys and what not. I do know enough about hearing things to know that listening to Chad Kroeger sing is only about 3 steps away from being literally raped in the ear.

Which is precisely what has been happening to me all week.

I get it Jack FM. You play what YOU want. And that is the exact opposite of what I want about 17 times every day.

Every time I hear those first few chords and his whiny groan of a voice chime out with-”How the hell we end up like this?” a little part of me dies.

And yes, I realize that that this may seem a little hypocritical considering that am writing this a day after posting how horrible of a singer I am myself. But you know what? I don’t get paid millions and millions of dollars to entertain people with my voice. (Though I bet I COULD  get paid tens of dollars NOT to entertain my five co-workers in my office.)

It does please me to see that there really is a lot of Nickelback hate out there. I’ve probably  heard more people say that they hate Nickelback than I’ve hear people say they hate Kanye West. If all the hate, then why are they still all over the radio? I’m starting to be convinced that half the people who say they “hate” this band are just doing it to get on the hateorade bandwagon. Maybe it’s just become trendy to shout out your angst at a band whom you haven’t really even formed a proper opinion about and then go home and buy forty dollars worth of their music on itunes to see what the hate is all about, therefore leading the radio people to believe that people want to hear this Godforsaken music and cause them to play it all freaking day. (I only know this happens because I have fallen for it myself. Thank you Miley Cyrus.)

I’ll be honest. Maybe I haven’t given them a proper chance. It’s not like I’ve heard any of there songs besides the five that are played 13 trazillion times on the radio every day. Nor do I want to.

My hate comes from a very personal experience, one  not even related to their music, (though I still think their music sucks) one that Ive spoken of briefly before.

Back when I was in college, our football team made it to the playoffs  resulting in a bowl game in New Orleans. I was involved in  a drinking spirit organization that went to all the football games and drank cheered from the stands. During After the football game, I went down to Bourbon street to meet up with a friend who had moved away a few years before, and had also come in town for the bowl game.

We met at one of those little stands where they sell the big Hurricane drinks (you know those tall red drinks you can buy on the side of the street with an umbrella stuck in it??) We had  just retrieved our drinks (though I was probably already quite a few deep) when we decided we should take pictures to celebrate our reunion and to show off our Hurricanes.

There were three of us gathered and we all wanted to be in the picture, so I looked around to see if there was anyone around who I could trust to take it.

I approached a group of people nearby who were dressed anywhere from “homeless” to “douche-bag,” but seeing as there was no one else around, I decided to ask them anyway.

CJ: Would one of  you mind taking a picture of us? My friends and I all want to be in it?”

I spoke openly to the group. As I did, the group all shifted their attention to the homeless looking greasy man in the center, who was obviously their leader.

Homeless looking greasy man: “Well sure ladies, I wouldn’t mind that one bit.”

He left his spot in the group and walked past the camera that I held out for him.

CJ: Umm… Nervous laughter.…

Homeless looking greasy man: Where would you like me to stand? As he is already edging himself between my friends and I, putting his arms around our shoulders.

CJ: Tehhehee… actually, we were just gonna see if you could take a picture of us! We haven’t seen each other in a while and don’t really want a stranger in our picture.

The homeless looking greasy man was taken aback. He clearly thought we were joking until we had reposed without him and I was once again trying to hand him my camera.

Homeless looking greasy man’s group finally took notice of what was going on, and all at once started talking.

“Do you know what you’re doing?? one of them said. “That’s fucking Chad Kroeger!!!”

CJ: Okkkkkkk? (and why do I care?)

“The lead fucking singer for Nickelback you bitch.”

CJ: Ohhhhhhh yeahhhhh. (shit!… But still,  who cares? No reason to act like an asshole.)

Homeless looking Greasy man AKA Chad Kroeger: Fuck you, Fuck you bitches.

Then we laughed and ran away as fast as we could.

Looking back, I can understand that he may have been embarrassed to assume that we wanted a picture with him.

Regardless, to tell someone “Fuck you” for not recognizing you? Add in the ability to kill small children with the sound of your voice?

Suck it, Chad Kroeger. I’ll never forgive you.

I’m one of those people (some of you know all too well) who is likely to break out into song and dance anywhere. It’s not calculated. As soon as I hear a song that I like, I can’t help it. I grab the nearest item to me to use as a microphone, and I let loose, honey.

I really do think that theater camp may have a big something to do with it.You put a kid on stage and tell her to sing,  then tell her it was good, (because every kid in theater camp gets a part)  and after so many times, she really starts to believe it.

Don’t worry, I’ve been set straight since then.  I’m a mediocre very bad singer…. (you can quit telling me now, I get the point!)

I cannot carry a tune. But that doesn’t make me love it any less. I have realized that no matter where you are, it’s all about performance. It’s the emotion you put into it. I truly believe this.

I know there are certain people who don’t appreciate my ability to entertain an audience wherever the setting may be.

My mom, for instance. If you asked her what her most embarrassing moment of her life was, she would probably go into detail about the time she took me to the fabric store. She was right in the middle of discussing comforter material with a group of older ladies, when she she heard me bust out at full volume  with “the only one who could ever reach me, was the son of a preacher man”  from across the store. She acted like she didn’t know me until we were safely back in the car when she scolded me and told me that there would be serious consequences if I ever did that to her again.

I now use public singing as a “friendship test” of sorts. If we’re going to be somewhere together in public, there is a good chance I will I start singing  and it would be really awesome if you would join in, or at least not act like you would rather be on fire than be in my presence. You may be embarrassed at first, but there is nothing more liberating than a group sing a long at a hole in the wall restaurant in the middle of nowhere. (Right? I’m talking to you friends who went to the river! The Journey sing-along in  Health camp? Hells yeah!)

I have made venues out of grocery stores, movie theaters, zoos, and gas stations. But I have found a new favorite.

Parks and trails.

Oh yes. Although they are somewhat lacking an audience, there is really nothing like belting out a song while going on a walk. I discovered it a few years ago when I didn’t have a job and had nothing better to do than to go on 6 mile walks in the middle of the day. For the most part, you’re on your own. You can have your ear buds in, and can listen to any song of your choice. The best part is, there is no noise restraint. Even I know not to exceed a certain volume when indoors.

Even more so, when your out in the wide open, you can take it a step further.

You dance.

Not just a normal dance. You have to just completely let the music take you over, and what happens feels glorious. It started out as something I would do to embarrass my mother when we were on walks together, but now I just can’t help it. I’m talking about no dance that you would do under normal circumstances. I wouldn’t even like to do this type of dance (if you can even call it that) in a one mile vicinity of a mirror. What happens to my body is something truly worse than even the Muppet Babies could pull off. It’s like one of those exercises we do in improv workshops, where you just let the different parts of your body move without really thinking about it. I know I sound like a complete weirdo right now, but just try it when no one is looking, and I think you ‘ll see what I mean.

Tonight my roommates and I decided to go on a walk together. I put my ear buds in and went at my own pace. I started out belting a little Aerosmith, then switched to Death Cab, and made my rounds through Van Morrison and The Smiths. I had just started spastically moving and singing along to Mariah Carey’s “I don’t want A lot For Christmas”  (It’s November this is ok now) when my roommate, Jake, tapped me on the arm to tell me he and Denny were going to take the short route and head home to start dinner.

I usually would have just kept going without a thought, except for today, for the first time in months, it was pitch black at 6:30pm (fucking daylight savings) and the path we were walking on was through a very unlit patch of woods. And there was a giant full moon, which just put me a little on edge. I probably would have just turned around with the roomies, except I couldn’t shake the memory of me eating about 17 tortilla rolls and 10 mini kit-kats at around 4 o’clock on Saturday morning, and I just couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t do something to ward of that repercussion.

The following conversation occurred:

CJ: What do  you mean y’all are going home?

Jake: You can come too… we just want to get a head start on the chicken…

CJ: But it’s DARK. I could get raped… or murdered!

Denny: Just keep singing and dancing the way you are now… no one would dare to come near you!

And that, friends, is exactly what I did.  I sung at full volume and spastically danced my way through the woods. It all went well until I came upon a group of skateboarders, one of which I couldn’t see clearly and I thought he was charging at me. I screamed very loudly at him.

I’m not sure which was more scary. Me yelling at a skater boy to fuck off and leave me alone in an extremely high pitched yelp or my approaching them using moves and a pitch my dad couldn’t even come up with.

Either way, I plan on continuing my tour through the woods, but only once I’ve purchased some high quality pepper spray.

We need to have some words.

Before you think that this is all going to be bad, I did have a lot of fun. I especially enjoyed petting the llamas and watching those baby piglets drink from the mama pig. Who knew pig-nipples could be so big?

i heart llamas

Additionally, I really actually enjoyed the diving pirates show. So much that I think I may learn how to dive so that I can join them. Oh sure, it was a little cheezy and I’m a little out of their goal age demographic… but I have a love affair with pirate jokes and this made me very happy.

RRRRRR you serious?

But I do have a few bones to pick with you…  First, I left feeling a little like you ass-raped me a little bit, or at least took advantage of the fact that this was my first time.

I knew you weren’t cheap… but 10 tickets for a tiny beer? Over twenty dollars to ride the Ferris Wheel? And with so many yummy treats with each turn of my head, how do you expect me to resist eating a turkey leg, roasted corn, popcorn, and a tornado tator? You can expect me to forward you a few health bills, as I am positive my stomach will never be the same.

And also, you really should have a warning on a few of your rides that says “Not meant for persons over the age of 26,” because I feel a little bit like my head is going to fall off of my neck I meant it when I yelled “I’m never going to ride a ride again,” and also when I said “I’m too old, too old for this you mother fucker- stop the ride.” And guess what? Nobody stopped the freaking ride.

Alas, even though I am still a little mad at you- I was thankful for all the good people watching that you provided. . I think I saw several people who  (judging on appearances) spend their entire years salary on the fair.

Until next year,

Going to the gym 4 hours a day for the next 3 weeks.

_________________________________________________________________________

Guy who sold me the John Lennon Necklace at the fair,

I don’t care what my friends say- there is something very attractive about your long bushy beard. My friends all said that they think it would be smelly, but i tend to disagree. I  could also smell that patchouli oil even from the other side of the counter, and I love it!
I have spent my morning researching different images that I want to order on necklaces from you. If only I can find your business card.

My necklace was definitely one of the better parts of the day, as was your beard.

My new favorite necklace.

I wonder if I could squeeze in a trip to Denver. Maybe I’ll see you at your next show!

Sincerely,

Not a stalker

_________________________________________________________________________

To all other patrons of the state fair,

If you went into the indoor arts section and happened to purchase a flattened glass necklace from a man with a very long beard, would you kindly check and see if you picked up a business card? And then just forward me that email address.

Thanks so much,

Not desperate

_________________________________________________________________________

Dear zombie shirt boy,

I really did enjoy talking to you the other night but I know I acted a little weird the following day. I feel I should explain. I don’t really remember the last part of our conversation and I erased my drunk text messages because I don’t like to feel shame…  but in the event that you got a message from me that said “I am already in love you” 3 hours after meeting me- please either assume that

A. Some stranger broke into my house wearing a banana suit, ate a block of cheese, held me up with a hack saw and then stole my phone and must have texted you himself.

or

B. I was just joking! I’m funny like that!

I’m also sorry if I made my friends called you… I’m sure that was a little awkward.

I’m not usually crazy and I’ll leave it at that because in my experience the people who have to say over and over again that they are not crazy, are usually the craziest.. and I am definitely not crazy.

I understand if you never want to talk to me again but it was very nice meeting you and I think your super cool.

I love you,

I like your facebook picture,

Sleepless in Dallas,

I‘m available every night this week,

Can we at least be friends?,

Not a desperate crazy stalker

___________________________________________________________________________

My dearest kidneys,

I’m sorry. Very sorry.

Love,

NEVER DRINKING AGAIN

___________________________________________________________________________

To several of my Facebook friends who I saw at homecoming,

Sure I know it has been a while, and I probably look a little different than you remember me… But I remember having several conversations with you back in college. I even knew some of you well enough that I considered you a real life friend.

Regardless, I was super offended at how many of you I waved at, with no response. I mean, even if you don’t recognize me- DO YOU NOT WAVE BACK AT STRANGERS? How rude can you be!? I try to smile at all the strangers that pass by, and even more at the ones who are at my college homecoming because there is a chance I know them.

Let me refresh your memory. I’m in the one in the middle. You saw me this weekend. You looked me in the eye, you asshole.

Maybe I don’t have much of a life, but even though we haven’t seen each other for a while, I try to keep up with your life. I look at your pictures from Vegas and your new baby just took his first steps, congrats!! I know every time you have been drinking because facebook friend, you tell me and I listen.

Well I, for one, am not going to stand for this abuse. If you don’t even look at my pictures enough to recognize me- then why are we “friends?”

So just a heads up, don’t be surprised if you get deleted from my friend list. Not that you’ll even notice, but still.

Your not aging as gracefully as I would have thought,

Needs everyone to love me.

If you have been here more than once, there is a good chance you already feel that you know too much about me. Regardless, I’m not really feeling the creative juices a-flowing this morning, so I figure I’ll fall back on a meme… Plus I haven’t done one yet, and I really like to talk about myself.

1. Jade is actually my middle name. But Jaded is actually  an emotion that I often feel.

2. My dog Stella is half dachshund and half pit bull, with a little shar pei thrown in. I have no idea how she was made.

3. I got to book 3 of the Twilight series and book 4 of Harry Potter. I guess I’m a quitter. But I’ve read every Ann Rice and Stephen King book ever written.

4. Holy shit, I’m on number for of this list, and it is way harder to come with stuff than I thought it would be.

5. My favorite food in the world is mandarin oranges and cheese. I also really like blue applesauce.

6. It has been a few months since my last show, but I have been doing improv for over 5 years.

7. I once owned a pet sugar glider, but it was never very nice so I gave it away.

8. I once owned over 30 mice at once, but they smelled so bad my dad eventually let them out at my parents ranch.

9. I recently owned a pet rat named Bogart, but my dad let that one go too.

10.  I wrecked my first car into my house before I even got my license.

11. My second car was an 89 Cutlass Supreme Oldsmobile. It had no speedometer, no antenna, and no air conditioning.

12. My car’s name was Cuddy.

13. I have seen While You were Sleeping over 50 times.

14. I’ve lost 100 lbs in the last 2 years.

15. My first major in college was dance.

16. I was also RTVF and Public Relations before I finally decided to get my degree in Creative Writing.

17. Once I drink a little bit, I think I can rap and sing.

18.  My go-to karaoke song is Total Eclipse of the Heart, Old School style.

19.  I grew up only taking baths. I didn’t have a shower in my bathroom, and I still prefer to take a bath when possible.

20. I have a bad habit of leaving empty shampoo bottles in the shower. I know that drives my roommate crazy, but I still leave them there thinking I can squeeze a little more out.

21. I also open squeeze my toothpaste from the middle.

22. I live with one girl and a gay guy couple. I have no pets here but between them they have 3 dogs and 2 cats.

23. I have lived in 8 houses in the last 10 years.

24. I was almost a contestant on The Biggest Loser. I went all the way to the sequestering level in LA.

24. They wanted me to cry more on camera. I refused.

25. I put ketchup on everything…

26. And I keep a bottle of Tabasco sauce in my purse.

27. If you have an accent and I’m talking to you, chances are I’ll accidentally start trying to do your accent, horribly.

28. I have kept a diary in some form since I was about 7.

29.I grew up across the street from my grandparents,  and I am very blessed to have them in my lives.

30. I still don’t like my arms or legs to fall over the side of the bed, for fear of whatever might be under my bed.

31. I have a fear of boogers. I will literally throw up if someone wipes one on me or I see one hanging out of someone’s nose.

32. I have an addiction to iced  tea. I like un-sweet tea with lemon the best.

33. Unless I’m at my grandparent’s house. In that case, I use sugar, mint and lemon… and always out of a turquoise glass.

34. My favorite toys when I was growing up included crayons (not to color with, but to make them talk to each other.)

35. Although I got my degree in English, I am sometimes  pretty careless with my grammar.

36. If I could meet anyone dead or alive, it would probably be Gene Kelly.

37. I hate hate hate Nickelback.

38. Chad Kroeger, the lead singer of Nickelback once told me “fuck you” because I didn’t recognize him and asked him to take a picture of my friend and I. He thought I wanted him in the picture with us. He was way wrong.

39. I’m pretty outgoing in real life, but I am a horrible public speaker. I hate mc-ing shows, and can only do it if I create a character to speak in.

40. I have one chin hair that keeps coming back. That’s a lie. There are two.

41. I know the lyrics to every Beatles song ever written.

42. I also know the lyrics to every NSYNC song ever written.

43. I met Joey from NSYNC 4 times in my life. The first time he asked to see my boobies. I considered doing it, until he said he was kidding.

44. I’m the type of girl who cries at Hallmark commercials.

45. I have also seen every single Lifetime Christmas movie.

46. The Jerk is one of my favorite movies in the world and I can probably recite the whole movie.

47. I still like to build forts in my living room.

48. I’m deathly afraid of dying in a car accident and I really freak out when I’m next to an 18 wheeler on the highway. This may stem from the fact that I didn’t drive on a highway until I was 21.

49. I still have no idea how to use WordPress, or how to add apps or widgets to my site.

50. I don’t really like smooshy food consistencies.

51. I am a one stripe leg shaver. Basically, I’m 3 phases away from ape-dom.

52. I have always really wanted to own a pet monkey. I got my sugar glider because I needed to satisfy my pet urge and owning monkeys are illegal.

53. When I paint my own nails, I say that a kid that I was babysitting did it. I’m that bad.

54. I once talked my sister into eating snails and dog food.

55. Until about 3 years ago, my diet consisted solely of cheese and crackers and sausage biscuits.

56. I really wish I was talented at art. I have attempted everything artsy. The only thing that I have any talent at is decoupaging.

57. My friend and I went to New York for my 23rd birthday on the day of the infamous blackout. Everyone I know is convinced my black cloud is the sole reason for the blackout.

58. I have been tasered. For recreation.

59. My friends and I sometimes play a game called indoor varmint hunting. This consists of acting like we are the birds in duck hunt, then getting shot in the back with a bb gun.

60. I have drunkenly written fan letters to Seth Green and Keith Coogan. Keith responded and I’m quite embarrassed about the whole situation.

61. I have fallen down so many flights of stairs in my life. I literally wake up everyday and thank God that I don’t have brain damage.

62. I WILL go on one of those tornado chasing tours, as soon as I can afford it.

63. I think my voice sounds really pretty when I sing “The Best Part of Waking up, is Folgers in your cup.”

64. It has been confirmed by dozens of others, that it actually does not.

65. I always give cab drivers a back massage in hopes of getting a discount on the ride.

66. Roto-scope animation (Charles Schwab commercials ) gives me the heebie jeebies.

67. When I was a kid I thought my dolls came alive and moved around the room.

68. I would kiss each of them before I went to sleep so they wouldn’t murder me.

69. I found out later it was my cousin who moved them. It scarred me for life.

70. When I’m in my car listening to music, I always sometimes like to pretend I’m in a movie, and whatever song is on determines what kind of scene I’m in.

71. I spend 90% of my work day with a pen cap in my mouth.

72. I never sit with my feet on the floor. At my desk, at a restaurant, it doesn’t matter. I’m always either indian style, or something like it.

73. I love love love the colors purple and turquoise.

74. At the age of 11, my life-long dream of meeting Jonathon Taylor Thomas was fulfilled.

75. My choice alcoholic beverages are wheat beer, red wine, and vodka and grapefruit.

76. I can kick your ass at touch-screen trivia.

77. I can also kick your ass at a game of bones.

78. When I get upset, I find myself re-categorizing my DVDs. Sometimes I organize them by Genre… sometimes alphabetical.

79. I most recently organized them by director.

80. I just got my first haircut since January! That’s really bad…

81. One time I discovered all the little white hairs all over my face and thought there was something wrong with me. I naired my whole face which resulted in a severe burn.

82. I have had pink eye more times than I would ever like to admit.

83. I had to wear an eye patch as a child to correct a lazy eye.

84. I think my eye still looks lazy in photographs but nobody else can see it.

85. If I could go back to school and get a different major, I would probably get it in meteorology or Disaster Preparedness. I am fascinated by natural disasters!

86. My biggest celebrity crushes are on John Cusack, Bill Pullman, Jack White, Jim Carrey and Ben Gibbard.

87. I’ve never played any sports growing up, unless you count dance or Cheerleading.

88. I can’t roll my rs.

89. I pretty much go to the movies every Sunday. And usually by myself. I love going to movies by myself.

90. I cry at Hallmark commercials. I cried watching the NFL draft. I pretty much cry at everything.

91. For the last 3 years, I have watched every movie nominated for an Academy Award, prior to the awards.

92. The night of the Academy Awards is my favorite night of the year. I almost always dress up and drink champagne in my living room when I watch it.

93. If I ever get married, I want my wedding to be Academy Award themed. When I walk down the aisle, I want it to be down a red carpet.

94. I got obsessed with listening to Conservative talk radio before last years election. Now I pretty much only listen to NPR.

95. My motto when it comes to politics, (and life) is “I may vote conservative, but I bleed patchouli. ”

96. I broke an arm last year. To be more precise, I broke my roommates arm last year. I won a games of darts and high kicked in celebration. The heel of my boot hit his arm and broke it in several places.

97. I still haven’t watched the last episode of Party Of Five because I’m too sad.

98. I read my horoscope every day and carry tarot cards with me at all times. I don’t really believe in that stuff… but I can’t give it up.

99. I do believe in ghosts.

100. This was a lot more difficult than I thought it would be.

Either way, I am hungover enough that in 5 minutes, I will have laid my head back down; drowned in a pool of saliva; and completely forgot this momentous occasion.

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I’ve let 5 minutes go by, and all I can think about is how funny I thought it was (last night) that I hit a guy square in the head with an empty beer can. And lived to rap about it. I have really got to start finding better uses of my time.

 Goodnight/Goodday/ Pee now or forever hold your pee.