Make sure you check out Lilu’s site, and check out her TMI Thursday archives for all sorts of hilarity!

Before I get started, there are a few thoughts I need to get off my chest (as if I didn’t do enough of that yesterday.) I skipped last week’s TMI post, not because I am out of awkward, embarrassing, situations to share with you- but due to the fact that I’ve been thinking a little bit about how much I’ve shared… or rather, over-shared in the past. I’ve said it a thousand times before, but for the most part-I don’t care much if people judge me for what I post here. It’s my life, these things have happened…. similar things have happened to everyone, (right?!?!) just not everyone is willing to share them with you. And maybe they are smarter for it.

I recently got into a conversation with one of my best guy friends about my blog. I rarely talk to my real life friends about what I post,  mostly because while I’m glad they are reading, I sometimes like to pretend that they don’t know all of my deepest thoughts and the crazy things I think about daily.  My friend told me that from a guy’s (his)  point of view-my TMI posts have sometimes gone a little too far… I’m not saying he is right, but seeing as though more than half of my readers come to my site from Facebook, (I don’t know who you are, only where you come from) and 99.5% of my Facebook friends are friends and family that I know in real life, I’m not always so sure I want these people reading about my periods and “accidents” and past hookups. Not that it really matters what I want, if they want to- it’s out there. But still, it’s just something that I’ve been pondering ever since I went public with my blog. On the other hand though, I love reading other people’s stories… and I’m a very open person, so chances are I would tell you these things in person anyway.

Anyway, it’s just something I have been thinking about… but not enough to quit these oh-so-fun posts altogether, because who am I? Yeah, I thought so. But I do apologize if I have offended you in any way, and if that’s the case… then don’t read it!

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So today’s post IS actually one of the periodo category, but an innocent one. But still quite embarrassing.

Fella’s, feel free to make your exit now  if this makes you uncomfortable. Or anyone else for that matter.  (I wouldn’t like John Cusack reading this after all.)

You may rememeber the traumatic experience that I had when I first started at a very young age. If you don’t feel like clicking and reading (you lazy ass) I’ll give you the short version.

Basically, I started the summer that I turned 10 while I was on vacation visiting family. By myself. I had no idea what a period was, and I basically thought that I was dying from some kind of weird cancer that made me poo out the wrong hole. It was terrifying, really.

So a few years later when I was going into the 8th grade, I was still quite innocent about the  whole “woman-hood” experience. I was really getting into dance and had just made the cheer leading squad.

All of you ladies know that pads are just the devil, especially when it comes to any kind of physical activity. Plus they are just gross. Who wants to sit around on their junk all day? Anyways, I won’t get into that now, but at the time I was still (like most young girls) in the pad-stage.

Because I was having to wear tights and a leotard to my dance classes and bloomers with my cheer leading uniform, my mother decided it was time to grad-ee-ate to ye ole tampon. Another notion that to a 12 year old, was really just too much to take in. I remember sitting there, reading the instructions on the back of the box, not being able to fathom actually conquering the task.

After a few failed attempts at insertion, I finally had to ask my mom for assistance. After some detailed instruction and a few more failed attempts, the task was finally done.

Some may say that you become a woman when you start your period, I think it is really when you put in your first tampon. HURRAHHH!! I was a proud woman.

For a few hours, that is.

After a few uncomfortable hours, it was inevitably time to take it out, and attempt the whole procedure again… this time with hopes that I could actually do it with ease.  So I went into the bathroom with my confidence in store. I found the little stringy thing and gave it a tug.

Nothing.

I tried again.

Wouldn’t come out.

You know that feeling you get when you walk out on the alligator pier at the zoo and you stick your head between the gates to get a better look at the alligators and then your head gets stuck in between the bars, and you are for sure you are going to get eaten as an afternoon snack???

Well I do. And it’s scary. This wasn’t quite as scary, but it was still up there.

To make a long story short, I cried once again to my mother, (my poor mom) who (I will spare you the details) basically had to remove it for me. And it wasn’t an easy task.

We knew something wasn’t right with the situation, so a few days later my 12 year old self had my very first appointment with the gyno. Not. Fun.

I still remember that appointment as being one of the most uncomfortable hours of my life, and I partially blame that day on my fear of doctors. Sooooo… he (yes, he) checked out the lady bits, and afterward called my mother and I into his office for a meeting. I was as nervous as a fat girl waiting to be picked for the kickball team, and I unfortunately  know this feeling from experience too.

“Well, it seems that since she started her period so early, the um, hole, was not completely developed.”

What????

“Yes, when it is time for a girl to start her menstrual cycle, the skin over the hole falls off, hers only partially fell off- which has made it impossible to wear tampons.”

(I’m sure he said this all in a way more “doctor-ly” manner, but this is how I remember it, sue me.)

WHATTTTTT?

At this point he drew me a little diagram of a circle with a line straight through the middle of it. “This is what yours looks like.” He then drew a circle without a line through it. “This is what it is supposed to look like.

This confirmed what I knew to be true since I was 2 and had to start wearing an eye-patch for my lazy eye.

I was a freak of nature.

“It’s really not that big of a deal, but she won’t be able to… “have babies” unless she undergoes surgery.”

So now, I was not only a freak, but I also wouldn’t be able to have babies??? I may have only been 12, but I thought that babies might, maybe, perhaps-ly be something I might at least want to think about in the future. I went into panic mode as my mom set up the appointment for my surgery. I didn’t say another word until I was safe in the passenger seat of my mother’s car.

I started sobbing. “So… I might not be able to have babies??” This was all too much for my little brain to handle.

My mom, once again, had to set me straight. “It’s not so much that you wouldn’t be able to have babies, but one day you may want to do the act that you do in order to make babies. And yes, you will need to have the surgery in order to do that.

Oh.

I ended up going through with the surgery on my hoo-hoo, which I really don’t remember… Except for the fact that after I came to, many of my family members came to visit me and I was quite embarrassed that they all knew exactly why I was in the hospital. I also made the mistake of telling my best friends at school, who told their friends… so when I returned a few days later walking funny, I’m pretty sure everyone knew why.

Awesome.

So yeah. I have that.

Remember when I told you that little fairy tale about my… uh… friend…uh…” Cari,” and the time that she thought a peen was a piece of feces??

Well luckily for you, I have several more stories about Cari and her misfortunes up my sleeve.

I am not sure if I should actually be sharing this story, as the second leading character is a casual reader of this blog and is still a friend of Cari’s… and she has yet to confess this to him. If you are reading this (you know who you are) then I am going to go ahead and apologize on Cari’s behalf… and I really hope you’re not completely disgusted.

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Once upon a time there was a girl named Cari, who at one point in time was kinda-sorta-long-distance dating a friend of her’s named… let’s call him Sam.

Cari and Sam were still friends, and this particular weekend Cari was going down to H-town to visit her friends for a fun-times reunion.

The first night when Cari got in town began as every night with Sam began- with a vow not to get so drunk that they would be miserable for the rest of the weekend. A vow that was immediately sealed with a “cheers” and a shot of whiskey. And in their usual fashion, that shot was followed by a MANY more beers, several more shots, some conversation about politics, and a few rounds of shooting each other with a BB gun.

At some point in the night one of them got the bright idea to take half an ambien, stay up, and see what might happen.

The next few hours, as you can imagine, were a blur. Cari remembered watching some online comedy videos and…well, that’s about it.

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Oh yeah, so I guess I should probably tell you that, literally, the exact same thing that I wrote about in another TMI story happened to Cari on this particular trip down to Houston.

The short version: On the trip down to Houston, “Cari” remembered mid-drive that she had left the same tampon in for way over 12 hours. Fearing toxic shock, she then proceeded on taking it out whilst driving, putting it in a paper bag she found in her car, and promptly forgot about the said tampon, and completely forgetting it ever happened until several weeks later.

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The following morning Cari and Sam woke up feeling a little foggy headed, but all in all, they felt a lot better than they expected. They decided to continue with their weekend as planned, and head to Galveston for a relaxing day at the beach.  Somewhere along the drive Sam had to stop to fill up on gas and beer, and Cari took the opportunity to go to the restroom. She hadn’t thought about her period since the drive down, and was surprised to see that she had started back up a little. Luckily she had a tampon in her purse, so she quickly fixed the problem, no biggie.

It was a perfect day at the beach and everything went smoothly. After the beach, Sam and Cari checked into a hotel room and got ready to go have a nice dinner. Cari put on a dress and Sam put on a pair of khakis… the same khakis that he had been wearing the night before.

It wasn’t until they were in the car, well on their way to dinner that Cari noticed a peculiar stain above the knee on Sam’s pants.

Cari: Dude, you look really nice… but what’s all over your pants?

Sam: What? Ewww I have no idea!!! What is that??

Cari: I dunno, but it looks disgusting!

And it did. It basically looked like a few smears of  nastiness up down his thigh. Imagine eating cheetos, then wiping your fingers down your legs… only instead of orange, this shiz was brown.

Sam: Did I get into a wrestling match with someone in the front yard or somethin? It kinda looks like blood.

Cari: I have no idea… I don’t remember a single thing after taking the ambien! Maybe you spilled dip on it or something…

At that moment Cari had a random brief flash from the night before… in his bed.. kissing…  maybe?

That really wasn’t the type of relationship that they had…  Cari didn’t want to ask what happened as to create an awkward situation, so she decided to brush those thoughts away and change the subject.

Neither the oogey stain or anything that may have happened the night before was brought up again… until they got back to his house the following day and started to unload their  stuff in his room.

As they were unloading their things, Cari noticed Sam stooped over the bed examining the sheet.

Sam: Look! There it is! The same shit that is all over my pants!

Cari went to see what he was looking at, and sure enough… there were a few brownish splotches on the sheet around the foot of his bed.

It was at that point that Cari had a second flashback from her first night in town.

Yes… there was definitely kissing… And maybe a tiny bit more.

A feeling of dread washed over Cari’s body for the million and tenth time in her life.

For that’s when she knew exactly what those spots on his bed and on his pants were.

And she wasn’t about to admit that to Sam.

Cari: Oh yeah… I’m sure that’s dip. Or you know what? I think we may have spilled a cup that had cigarette butts in it!

Cari then changed the subject, and didn’t bring up the stains for the rest of the trip… or ever.

And they all lived happily ever after.

Until now.

I think not, my friend. But I’m not here to complain. All is good in the life of me. Really great actually. I cannot stop smiling.

WHAT? No complaints about my roommates? No bitching about having nothing to wear? No rants about how I wore my thong the wrong way for 8 hours???

I know? I must be sippin on some sizzurp crazy juice.

Not only is it pay-day Friday and I have a really fun weekend ahead of me, but Goshdarnit! I just found out some people like me!!

I got two awards this week and I’m so frickin excited!

The first is the Kreativ Blogger award from Amber over at  Musings of Amber Murphy! Thank you friend! If you don’t currently frequent her blog, you must check it! She’s funny, extremely genuine, writes way better poetry than I ever could, (she writes way better than I do, period) and most importantly…she once wrote a letter to Tiffany Amber-Theissen.

Candice from That’s Tangly passed this to me a few weeks ago so I’m gonna skip the meme part of it and just pass it on! If you’re up to it, pass it on to 3 other blogs and reveal 7 things about yourself that you haven’t yet shared with the world.

I”d like to pass this on to:

Andhari from Insomniac Lolita… This girl is an uber talented musician, leads a very interesting life, and posts really awesome pictures of hotties with no shirts!

HillbillyDuhn from Hillbilly Duhn’s Times and Tribulations… Because this girl never fails to crack my shit up. Oh, and also she was brave enough to post the best TMI I have ever read. Ever.

Ryan from 365 Days of People… For being the most hilarious hater on the internet. Seriously, there is rarely a time when he posts something that I don’t agree with. I just hope this award doesn’t prompt a “people who give out gay-ass blog awards” post. Or do it. I’ll laugh.

The second award is the Honest Scrap Award bestowed to me from That Kind of Girl from Not that Kind of Girl. Oh my gosh people. I cannot express in words how much I love this girl and am honored that she reads! She is frickin hilarious, inspiring, (my friends and I now play a NTKOG game where we dare ourselves to do things we normally wouldn’t) and has huge fricking pair of boobs. And by boobs, I mean girl balls. I also blame her for infiltrating “dude” back into my daily vocabulary.

For this award, I’m supposed to tell you 10 super personal things that no one else knows. NTKOG decided to put her own spin on it and reveal 10 things that she has learned about herself in the last 10 days. I’m going to attempt a mix of the 2.

Five things you don’t know about me (unless your a stalker):

1. I’m a huge freak. Meaning? I have a dimple thingy at the top of my butt crack. It’s not as weird as it sounds…  It’s like a little hole that doesn’t go anywhere… I’ve met one other person that has one. Let me know if you do too. We can start a club or something.

2. I had an eating disorder in my early twenties. I am really happy that I have been able to lose weight the right way this time, but sometimes it scares me when I get a little obsessive about it. I know I wouldn’t ever go down that path again, and it feels really good to get this out there- but still… I think about that place that I once was in, and it is terrifying.

3. I am horrible with anything that has to do with numbers. I still have to look on facebook to find out my best friend’s birthdays. The only phone number I have memorized is my parent’s. I use my fingers to do multiplication.

4. My bellybutton hole smells, at least to me. I clean it, but I think it still has a funk.

5. I may or may not have just spent the last 45 minutes trying to give myself a Brazilian wax. I may or may not have learned that this is something that you should not attempt at home. (this probably should have gone in the next list.)

Five things I learned in the last 10 days:

1. I really really really hate the time change. Mostly because I forgot how difficult of a time I have driving at night.

2. I am kind of a loser. There are some days when I have the opportunity to go out and be around people, but I would rather sit at home and watch t.v.

3. I need to learn to stop hiding behind my weight. I got so used to using my weight as my excuse not to do things… not to put myself out there dating wise, not to try new things, not to have confidence. I  I still find myself making these excuses.

4. I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. I have had several discussions with my friends about this lately, and it just fucks with my head even more. I have been consciously putting it out of my mind for the last 4 years, and it’s time to deal.

5. I shouldn’t do things (like go stair surfing) when I don’t have health insurance.

Alllllrighty then. If that wasn’t personal, I don’t know what is. Now I get to pass this on to 10 honest bloggers that I love! Check em out if you haven’t already!

1. Alicia from It Aint easy being Cheesy… I recently started following her and she is hill-arious! Plus she posts amazing pictures and we share a common bond of having obsessions with NSYNC.

2. Phronk …  A fellow film lover who also doesn’t  fart. And I don’t love farts so I kind of love him. Plus he has this other badass site Putting Weird Things in Coffee, where he does just that. I may have read the whole thing.

3. M from Only one Way Down… She’s funny, honest, and when she gets on a rant – I kind of just want to raise my fist and yell “oh hells yeah!” Plus she’s a fellow Dallasite, and it’s good to know there are other good people from the area.

4. Candice from That’s Tangly… I have mad love for this girl! Seriously, if I don’t get to party with her before I die, it will be a major loss on my behalf. Plus she is doing great things with her life right now.. CHECK IT OUT!

5. Kathryn from From The Inside… Out… I didn’t know mom’s could be this funny.  Or that I could relate to one so much. Funny. ass. shiz.

6. Matt from A Crown of Thistles… By far the smartest/funniest/best storyteller/knows freaking latin-est person that I have met on the internets. I literally leave his site with my mouth hung open in awe. And not in the dirty way.

7. F.B. From The Change I Wish to See… I recently started following this guy, and I have gone back to read his entire history. And I laughed a lot. Plus he is an amazing writer, and did I mention he loves It’s Always Sunny??

8. One Step to Recovery… Love this girl! I can almost always relate, and she tells it like it is. She just had surgery yesterday and girl, I hope you are feeling better soon!

9. Kirsten from Belly Shirts…. I laugh my ass off at her daily, and because she single handedly started the swine flu epidemic.

10. Lilu at Liveitluvit… I couldn’t leave her out! I probably wouldn’t have found any of you good people if it weren’t for her site, and I FUCKING love the TMIs.

I have seriously come across so many blogs that I love in the last couple months. I love you all!

Moving on to the Fuck my Life portion. This is why I haven’t been able to walk this entire week… (NEVER STAIR SURF UNLESS YOU WANT TO FEEL MAJOR PAIN!!!)

I am that blur of brown hair, BTW.

F.M.L.