I would go into all the details of seeing Michael Ian Black, two back to back nights of karaoke filled-fun including a rendition of “California Girls” with my MOTHER, and the lazy but oh so amazing day I had on Sunday… but I don’t remember the details of either Friday or Saturday night and I don’t feel the details of Sunday are appropriate for the internet.

However, I will share with you the videos that my mom put together. It’s bad though. Not the video quality- that was pretty spectacular (thanks mom!) but my singing? Not so much.

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My lord it hurts even watching this. I mean really Carissa? REALLY? Why must I always be so freaking dramatic? WHYYYYYY!!!!???? By the by, this was totally sung in the “Old School” “I fucking need you more tonight” version, but my mom didn’t want to have me say fuck on the internet so she edited it out. Weird.

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In other news, today is day numero uno of not smoking. I’m not sure I’ve mentioned it, probably because I wasn’t sure that I was actually going to follow through, but I think 28 is as good as an age as any to quit. It’s not going to get any easier after all but I think I can do this. I’m gonna be a grown up. I just hope I don’t turn into Mel Gibson in the process.

Well I was going to write more, but now I just don’t feel like it so excuse me while I go eat a whole gum ball machine.

Oh and one more thing. I saw this last week and haven’t been able to erase it from my brain.

Sleep well tonight suckers.

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Oh hells yeah, bring it on weekend.

Seriously. This has been one helluva week. I’m trying not to dwell on the bad shit and just remember that soon enough things will be settled and I’ll have a whole new set of problems to deal with.

I’m sure you’ve been wondering what sort of crazy ass shit could I have possibly gotten myself into that would cause me to be so absent from the interwebs, and when I do come around  tweet complaints left and right? (Because yes I do realize I’ve done nothing but complain the last two weeks or so and that’s not usually my nature.) (Sometimes, yes, I can be a nature-made complainer-but usually it’s in jest.) (I also realize the correct word for “nature-made” would be “natural,” but since yesterday was National Grammar Day or something I have declared that today the rest of my life will be “National Aint Usin Correctual Grammatized Wording Days”.) So HA! KELLYYY RIPPPAAAAAAAA!!!

And since it’s my blog and I can whine if I want to, whilst drinking wine I might add, that’s what I might do.

*I’ll start with the worst news first. I just found out that MY BOYFRIEND COULD BE CHEATING ON ME!!! Yes. Perez Hilton (that slimy cock-blocker) reported today that John Cusack is dating Brooke Burns. I don’t even know who she is but she looks like a man and I hope she gets herpasyphaghonnoraids something really painful that can’t be spread to my boyfriend… like a really bad hemoroid. Anyways, someone needs to alert the press that this is false information. Me and my Boyfriend John Cusack are doing just fine. Awesome, in fact. You don’t belive me? See for yourself.

Carissajaded and John Cusack 4-evah!

That pic was taken last weekend when we were just hangin around, eatin some cheese, watching Dumb and Dumber. Awesome day right!? I think we may have even taken it to pound town that day but we have so many times I can’t remember for sure.

Moving on. 

* Why won’t my stuff unpack itself? It has now been sitting in piles around my house for five days and I’m not sure what to do about it. I keep trying to use all the Jedi Mind tricks I know but they aren’t working in my new house. I’ve been contemplating sending a video into “Clean House” or whatever that reality show is called so maybe they’d come do it for me, but even they might be scared.

*My bank account is scaring me into thinking I might need to quit drinking so much wine. HAHAHAHA Just kidding. But maybe I need to stop eating or cancel my gym membership or something. After having to pay for all these moving expenses, I was flat broke. And then???? Yesterday we got our final gas bill from my old house and guess how much that was?  $800.00. EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLARS!!!! FOR GAS!? With the amount of gas that should have paid for in a month I should have been able to light a match down the street and blow that place up. Then who’d be laughing? Oh probably still not me. Turns out we were on some average monthly billing program so now we have to pay all the accrued monthly something or another. It doesn’t make sense to me. But if right now, you have an image of me bending over and being sexually abused by Atmos energy, then you’d be correct.

*My new house is haunted. I’m not joking, crazyness be happenin up in here.  At first I thought it was just a coincidence that I have had two brand-new light bulbs blow out on me, but then other stuff starting happening. Of course there are the weird slams, bangs and bumps (no I’m not talking about my sexual life,) but on top of that- our ghost is all about turning on appliances. Like Monday night. I go downstairs and the kitchen faucet is running full blast. I certainly didn’t do it. LA had been asleep for hours. I went and woke her up just to make sure. And then tonight? Right after I had spent an hour trying to convince LA that we needed to get that lady from the exorcist with a high-pitched voice to come over and cleanse our house,that damn spirit turned the stove burner on. It’s not like it could have just turned by itself. It was on level 6. That crazy bitch of a ghost wanted to burn us down!

But in case you’re reading this: Ghost, I love you. I love most ghosts!! In fact I’ve always wanted to be friends with one! I say the word bitch as a synonym for friend! Things have changed since you were alive. Anyway, so far I think you’re really pretty and cool. Please don’t hurt me.

*Mi coche es un PEICE OF TURD! For the thousanth time this year, my car broke down yesterday while I was driving on the highway. I heard a snap, the power steering went out, and then I sat on the side of the road for about an hour-calling everyone I know to ask them what I should do. As of now my car is STILL in the shop. This realllllly is not helping my moo-lah situation. sighhhhhhh

Well I’m gonna go ahead and forget all of this is happening, and rock on with my bad-self this weekend. And by rock-on I obviously mean that I will be sitting in the middle of my bedroom, listening to sad tunes, trying to unpack my things using only my mind. That’s telekinesis Kyle.

Don’t forget to leave your dare in the comments, fool! Heart.

OK, Before I get started I need some more help from a WordPress savy person.  I am obviously inept and cannot figure out anything on my own, so I would like some assistance with figuring out  how the heck  I put a “button” into my post. I have no idea how to make the post-it above link to Supah Mommy’s site. I copy the “button” but I have no idea where to post it. Thanks in advance!! Regardless check out Supah Mommy, who hosts this wonderful little post-it note Tuesdays that I have loved so long, but had no clue how to do. Here is my attempt!

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I know that sounded like I am about to announce something huge.  Well I’m not. Unless you are interested in the fact that my forehead and my chin have simultaneously decided to rage war on my confidence in the form of pimples. Awesome. I look like I’m 11 and back in my awkward stage.

The reason this post is so difficult is because I literally drank enough this weekend to satisfy an entire army of thirsty pirates (there was probably a better way to put that) and I’m pretty sure I lost about a third of my brain cells. I’m really hoping those will grow back because I’m having a difficult time forming complete sentences.  I mean… I looked at a thingy for about ten minutes and I still don’t know what to call it. I did have a super fun weekend, full of lots of dancing and debauchery and laughs… and I’m sure I did more than I few things that I should be regretting, but luckily cannot remember them.

Anybooze, I am writing this on Monday night after completely avoiding all of you today. Seriously. This is the first weekday in about three months that I haven’t spent at least a few hours reading blogs. Me thinks I’ve got a lot of catching up to do.

Since I was completely brain dead this morning and finally decided not to write about how awkward it would be to be a fly on the wall in a room witnessing dry humping (a very strange conversation I got into this weekend), I decided not to post today (now yesterday.) Instead I chose to ignore the blog world entirely and to spend the day reading the other parts of the internet that I have been ignoring the last 3 months. This meant hours upon hours of catching up on youtube subscriptions, watching trailers on IMDB , and reading every article featured  on popurls. And since I’m still semi-stupid, I figure I will share with you some of the highlights…

Someone posted the following video on twitter, and although I cannot remember who it was- I want to give them a big giant hug right now. I seriously watched this at least 18 times today and I have almost completely memorized the dance. Umm… how awesome are those facial expressions?

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Another highlight is from one of my favorite internet sensations, Brental Floss who is someone I kind of actually know in person. Or… I at least met him once. He is best friends with one of my comedy friends ( Holla what MV!!!!) , and back when we were doing a radio show he came on and totally punked me on air. He is one of the funniest people ever, and is all kinds of musically talented. If you have even a tiny bit of love for video games, or music, or comedy… or even if you don’t- you definitely need to check him out. I had a lot of catching up to do, but my favorite (because Zelda holds a giant place in my heart) is part of his “With Lyrics” series, Zelda With Lyrics…

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Oh and here is another one about Toad being gay. I just showed my roommates and even they loved it.

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And while we’re on the subject, I cannot wait to see Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor’s new gay movie- “I love you Phillip Morris.”

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And holy shit. Toby Maguire, Natalie Portman, and Jake Gyllenhall??? I starting bawling just watching this intense preview!

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I can’t believe that I somehow let a few Jon Lajoie videos go posted without my taking notice. And by the by, if you haven’t watched The League (that show that comes on after It’s Always Sunny In Philadelhia,) featuring Jon, then you definitely need to check it out!

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I had a few more links that I wanted to share, but it seems the ambien God’s have taken flight and this post could start to get really ridiculous. Plus I really need the sleep. I promise at some point this week I will get back to being completely blog devoted… Until then, thanks for putting up with my flakiness.