What the hell 2010? Where did you go? Last time I checked it was spring and I was getting ready for a long summer boat rides and camping trips…

Seriously though, I think I’m OK with the fact that my life has literally flown by before my eyes. At least October is over. October was a little bitch this year. Actually, looking back it was a bitch last year and the year before too. I think next year I’m just going to ignore October all together.

November though, now that’s a month I can deal with. There are so many things happening. So many things to take in. So many things I need to get done before the years over.

November, I hereby pronounce you my bitch. I’ll treat you well and in return you will keep me happy and busy and sane. OK? OK.

I really wanted to try to do that #NABLOHOMO thing, or whatever those letters are that you ambitious people  use to state that you are writing a novel in November. However, since October was an ungracious assholio that left me withering and crying on the floor begging to be hand-fed Cinnamon Toast Crunch, I’ve decided that I’m going to start with just trying to write a little something everyday. OK not EVERYday, but most days… either here or on the other place that I write. I’m also going to try to start reading blogs again. I know… this is all completely out of left field and seemingly drastic given my recent track record, but I’m going to at least try.

On top of trying to write and read like the scholarly person that I am, (HAHAHA) I’ve decided to set some other lofty goals for myself this November.

Movember: It’s a special time of year… A time that I love, not only because of the cause that’s behind the “mouvment,” but also because I really have an affinity for the mustache. Don’t get me wrong, they can be really creepy, but mostly they can be hot. Even when they do happen to be creepilicious, they give me something to laugh about, so basically the mustache is a win/win.

Creepy/Funny/Hopefully ironic mustache.

Good Mustache

(Huge thank you and a giant chest- bump to @Hipstercrite for reminding me that the above image of Burt exists, and so many other awesome things as well. I haven’t been able to comment much lately on anyone’s blog, but this lady’s blog has kept me very entertained the last few weeks.)

Anyway, I could go on about the mustache for days, and I probably will in an upcoming post, but this one is supposed to be about me.

As manly and handsome as they may be, I’ve got my own plans this Movember. Yes it’s true, I’ve decided that this month I will try my damndest NOT to grow a mustache. I know it will be hard, but it can be done. It’s no secret that I’ve been in a bit of a slump these last few months, but it’s time to pull myself together. It’s time I start brushing my hair, make a dentist appointment, and pull out my old friend Nair. It won’t be fun; it will be painful… but it CAN be achieved. If you want to donate money to me for every day that I maintain a womanly, un-ape-like appearance, I’ll gladly give a percentage of it to prostate cancer. Otherwise, I’ll just be doing it for the sake of woman-kind.

A Do-Run Run Run, A Do Run Run: My grandmommy always told me that “hate” is a strong word, so I reallydo  try to refrain from using it. However, I not only like to use the word “hate” when I’m talking about running, but I like to use it often, and usually in the sentence “I effing hate running.”  In fact, not only do I hate running, but I really detest it, and I’m pretty sure detest is a stronger synonym for the word “hate,” which makes the fact that I’ve decided to become a runner all the more Twilight Zone-ish.

I don’t actually know what has come over but I figure it’s time I set a fitness goal for myself. I keep saying that I want to get back to working out every day, but I can’t seem to find the ambition to do so. I figured that if I pick something completely ridiculous, like run a half marathon in three months, and announce that I’m doing it to the internet, that I will at least make an effort not to fail.

I started training for the run tonight. I’m afraid I didn’t get off to the best start.  I put on my running shoes, stuck my ear buds in, and took off down the block. I only got about fifteen yards before I realized I had forgotten to put on a sports bra, which you ladies know is a rookie mistake. I decided not to turn back, but instead turned up the volume on Paul Simon’s “Graceland,” and dance-walked my ass off. I swear, that Paul Simon makes my bootie shake somethin’ else.

So tomorrow I start running, for reals.

Not Drink:

…….

……….

*Crickets*

…….

Oh come on. Yeah right.

Well kinda.

Basically, I have decided to refrain from drinking during the week. It’s already been over a month.. woohoo! I made a little deal with myself. Rather than spend money on bottles of wine, I’ve decided that for every week that I go without drinking, I get to buy 3 (or 4) albums on itunes. For now, I’m sticking with the classic rock genre. I’ve decided that there are too many bands out there that I appreciate well enough, meaning I’ve collected all of their “Greatest Hits” and “Essentials,” but I’ve never really taken the time to delve into their albums.

This week (so far) I’ve been pleasuring my earballs with the aformentioned “Graceland,” and George Harrison’s “All Things Must Pass.” If you have any suggestions of “must-have” albums, please let me know.

Alright, I’m spent. Thinking about all these things I’m supposed to do this month has made me really tired.

I miss your faces and am excited about rejoining the land of the living. (I’m also excited about watching “The Walking Dead,” again next week because that show is badass!)

Keeping the FML Friday theme, I’ll share some of the things that I totally suck at doing (and should be really awesome at by now.) Feel free to add your own and make me feel a little bit better about my life…

*Lighting a match- Why in God’s name is striking a stick against, what is essentially a piece of cardboard , so difficult? I usually go through at least a row of matches before I get one lit, and another row before I get one to stay lit long enough to light whatever it is that I’m trying to light.  Throw in the acrylic- nail -catching -on- fire- factor- and I’m in for what could potentially be a humongo disaster.

*Spelling common words such as Piece, Wednesday,Calendar, and License… etc.- Without spell check, the previous statement would have undoubtedly read: Spelling common words such as Peice, Wendesday, Calender, and liscense…ect. And yes, I did get my degree in English.

*Braiding  my hair without having to start over 3 times- Yeah yeah yeah. Even my hair dresser told me never to wear my hair in braids again because it makes me look 12. I don’t give 2 flying pieces of poop. I’m lazy, and sometimes I like to look like a Native American. I suppose it’s in my blood somewhere.

*Pulling the right string on the overhead light- Every morning it is the same routine. I wake up, stumble out of bed to turn on the light. I pull the string. The fan switches to full speed, but the light stays off.  I go over to the wall and flip the switch. The fan slows down but the light stays off. I go over and pull the other string. The light turns on but the fan also starts up again and I’m freezing. These things seriously need to come with directions. I have a very similar experience with the two strings on the window blinds.

*Typing the right nonsensical word in those fucking Captcha things- I’m not claiming to be the brightest bulb of the bunch, but I know should be able to conquer a captcha. I can see alright. I’m a functional enough typist. I’ve done exceptional on typing tests, so I know that I have the ability to look at words and then type the same exact words on my keyboard. What makes me even more mad, is when it says something snarky like “Are You Human?” above it. That’s like saying “Oh no fair!! This one is SOOO easy!!!! Seriously,  you’re an idiot if you don’t get this right” right before you ask someone a trivia question. I’m apparently an idiot human.

*Opening the right drawer for eating utensils and cups- I have lived in this house for seven months now. It’s not that I don’t know where they are. I guess when I’m looking for a cup I just automatically start opening up random cabinets. I inevitably open the wrong one first. I have know idea why. It’s like my brain just wants to fuck with me and make me think I’m going crazy. Or maybe I just am.

*Making a turn at the first long break in traffic- I have my blinker on, and I need to turn into a parking lot across the way. I’ve already been sitting there for five minutes, just waiting for a break in traffic. I’m concentrating as hard as I’ve ever concentrated on anything in my life, gauging the speed and the distance between the cars in the opposite lane. I calculate how quickly I will be able to accelerate. I think  “Oh that’s a cute little hybrid… I wonder if my credit is good enough to buy a new car…. Har har har that guy is picking his nose….”

There was a break… but I missed it.

*Getting the straw in my mouth without the use hands in the midst of a deep conversation- Please note that I am specifying that I cannot complete this simple action during deep conversation. I can usually do it just fine when I’m looking at the straw. But without that pertinent eye contact with the straw? Forget about it!! You would think the odds would allow me to get the straw in my mouth at least one out of every ten times, but it never seems to happen. I either end up doing that ever so attractive lip/tongue search for the straw thing, or the straw ends up poking me in the chin, cheek, or worst of all- up my nose (I have literally gotten a bloody nose twice from attempting this maneuver.) The thing that makes me the most frustrated about this particular act, is that girls in the movies sipping coke floats, sick people in hospitals,  and old people in nursing homes successfully put the straw in their mouth without losing an eye, ALL THE TIME!!

*Cooking popcorn in the microwave- I’ve tried punching in the time that the bag tells me to. I’ve tried pushing the button on the microwave that says “POPCORN.” It doesn’t matter. Every first attempt I make at popping popcorn in the microwave either ends up being too full of uncooked kernels, or ends up a big smelly lump of coal like substance.

*Playing a DVD in my DVD player- This used to be a task I could handle, but that was before every TV in my house needed 4 remote controls just to work. It’s never just as simple as putting the DVD in and pushing a button. Now, just to watch a movie, I have to figure out which button turns the TV on; what channel or setting the TV needs to be on to play a DVD; how to make the DVD play; and then wait… there’s still no fricking sound!!

So basically, I just suck at life…

But that’s ok because it’s Friday!

Happy weekend  everyone!

I have been diligently writing to myself for over 20 years.

That is insane.

There are not many things in life that I have done diligently for 20 years, except for the obvious activities like brushing my teeth.
So… I sat on the ground for about an hour on my closet floor, with the journals spread all around- flipping through my life, just as I always do whenever I come across old photo albums, baby books, and the other various archives of my life. There are some entries that brought back pain and sadness- and I could remember all too clearly the emotion I felt when writing them. Others are just so ridiculous; I am embarrassed that I would have written these thoughts down, even if they were meant for my eyes only.

The first page of every journal starts out with some kind of disclaimer, for you know- if I were to die or if someone were to find my journal. These disclaimers range anywhere from threats to lies.

This first one is a little lame-

“If someone were to find this journal and read it- I just cannot believe you”

Another one reads-

“My journal for whatever thoughts, dreams, ideas, complaints, insights, quotes, favorite things, and goals. Don’t read unless I’m dead-or else you will be dead.”

And my personal favorite, if I do say so myself-
(from a high school journal)

“If you come across this journal, shut it right now. If you are my parents and read it anyway, some things written here are written for when I’m famous and they publish this and are purely for entertainment value- so don’t worry- I don’t really drink.”

I’m thinking about reusing that last one as a disclaimer for my blog.
Another thing I noticed is that my writing style and topics of choice haven’t really changed since I was in junior high. You’d think that after doing something for over twenty years, my writing would have vastly improved, or at least evolved. I guess this rule doesn’t apply for diary writing.

I’m a little hesitant to do this, as I am basically outing myself as a truly ridiculous/sappy/annoying/egocentric/boring/embarrassingly stupid character (most of these are still true today)… but I’ve decided to share with you a few passages from my high school journal- which is just the one I grabbed when I walked out this morning. The names have been changed.

3/19/1998

Ugh ok. Nuthing seems to be going great. Well I guess nuthing is too bad but it makes me mad that nothing is perfect. Earlier I was watching Boy meets World, and it makes me sooooo mad that I can’t find someone that loves me as much as Corey loves Topanga. Ugh “Bob” makes me sooooo mad. I’m sick of all this shit with him. Also I really don’t want to take the ALG test tomorrow. My teacher came up to me and was like “don’t stress just close your eyes and go to your Happy Land.” I wuz like, like the one in Happy Gilmore? Hahaha. I had my span final today. It was ok, I did good but I kinda cheated. Well everyone did! It wuz a stupid test and Dr. “Galvez” hes like a child molester or something.
“Kelsey” said “Tommy “ asked her who I wuz dating. Hes prob not even interested but gosh he is the hottest guy in the world. I hate that we messed around and nothing even happened. Oh well! I’m gonna watch friends and maybe study. Love ya!

That’s some really deep stuff.

05/12/1998
Yesterday we went to Lake Whitney with my fam and it was actually really fun! We swam and went tubing and stuff. Then we watched Heart and Souls, Good Will Hunting, and a really funny one with Bett Midler and Lily Tomlin. Now Im just sittin here listenen to Hope Floats Soundtrack . I can’t wait til theater camp!! It still sucks that I cant get paid cuz I have to use those hours for community service for that stupid MIP. I kinda have a crush on that “Mike” guy now. He told me to call him tomorrow and even though I really think he should call me- I think I might. I dunno. Well anyways, tonight we went to and got kicked out of several hotel parties. Howard Johnsons and some other rogush place. It sucked. Im still kinda drunk lateerrz!

Then just a few days later:

05/15/1998
Today I went to some stupid softball game with “Amy.” It was kinda boring even though there were some cute boys there to talk to. “Paul” is verrry hot and I think he would make the sweetest boyfriend. Well I did talk to “Mike” the other night and he was nice and we had a good conversation but he hasn’t called me as far as I know. I did have a few hang-ups though. My stupid parents need to get caller id fixed. But “Terry” talked to him the other day and said he wuz gonna call me. Im prob much more experienced than him so I don’t care really. Or so he thinks. Plus he has the same initials as Matt Damon so that’s cool, but Im sure he’s still a penishead regardless.! I decided today I want to be an actress. Actually Ive known for a long time, but now I know its my destiny. I will be discovered and become famous starring in a movie with Joshua Jackson and George Clooney. They will play brothers and both will be in love with me! If only Coach “Smith” wasn’t such a bitch and would let me do one act! Tonight I have to beat “Terry” at the movie game. Its my game and no ones gonna beat me. UGHHHH I am SOOO PISSED I CAN”T FIND MY ER TAPE ANYWHERE!! Laterz!

These are embarrassingly sad.. or sadly embarrassing. Either way, I have plenty more of these- some of which I would rather die than share- but we shall see.

I soooooo wish I wasn’t at work today. This totally sucks. Neways, its like nearly lunchtime and Ive gotta go to starbucks cuz that boy that works there is sooooooooo fine! Laterz!

I have had a really tired week. I drank a little too much every night, and now, finally, I have drinken 4 beers followed by a little friend called ambien… and i feel wweeeiiiirrrrd. don’t judge this writing. I love spell check though. it makes ya smell good.. spell good i think i mean. wowwwsa. It should be time to go to bed, but this is an experiment.

so there are things I have been wanting to talk about. One of them being the fact that the other night my roommates and i decided to have a salsa cookoff. In order to do so, we had to take a trip to the most (i can’t think of the word to put here) ________  grocery store in dallas….. DRUMMMMM ROOOOLLLLL>>>> The Central Market.

This place is absolutely like an amusement park for older, richer people, You don’t have as many rides, but there are so many things to look at. We always start out in the veggies, and pick up each strange specimen wandering how it would be edible in any country. There are big round yellow things (maybe egg-plant?) I dont knows… either way there is a shit ton of crazy shit to see and touch,

But in this case we were making salsa, so we went grab crazy for every type of pepperish plant we could get our hands on. For example, my basket was chopped full of poblanos, jalapenos, green chili, bell peppers and jabaneros. Maybe some other stuff too. I had to be reminded that if I’m making salsa I should probably get some tomatoes and onions and shit too. So I did that. Ok im losing my mind track. but im still pullin through. Bear (not the animal)  with this ambien head.

We then, for no reason at all travel around the corner to the meats. There are many that look very yummy, and if I wasn’t so poor and just in the mood to make salsa, I would have bought all of them. at least the tuduckerlkjre .. I don’t remember what its called, but its like a duck in a chicken stuffed in a turkey, or something like that. this is getting weirder.

so next we (for the first time in our lives) skip past the wine section, and are on a mission to try and find the most normal thing that could be sold in a central market. tomato paste. YAYYYYY it was there, bear.

So now I had lost my roommates but I knew they would be in the cheese section.. and oh yes i was right. Our house would seem like a fun house (as it does now in my state) if we did not keep mucho cheeses and smelly cheeses and garlic cheeses at our disposal. They go bad if you don’t cover them well, or so I have been scolded.

After the cheeses, we are pretty much in the clear, unless we catch eyes with the icecream like stuff… whats it called.. not custard but something like it. This time we didn’t come out with a large tub so I feel we won that war. I did have to run back through the maze to grab a couple protein bars, but that only took a second. Usually standing in the line is the worst. On average we usually leave with about 3  extra “line” grabs (chex mix, sweet peanuts, carrot chips, fried garlic,) but on this day i believe im the only one who came out with something like this, but now I can’t remember what it was.

We get home, and begin the race to get our salsas finished before our stomachs waged war against each other in the kitchen. We had 2 food processors, and a vegetable chopper that we literally had to hold up knives and wage ambien pills in order to get to use the utensils.

I can’t go into much more detail as I am falling asleep and putting readers to sleep. I will give you the non Julie Powell’s version of the recipe for my green chili salsa, which i think is pretty much a mutha bomb.

Ingredients:

8 roasted green chilis.

4 jabanero peppers

5 home-grown jalapenos from my garden

2 white onions

5 poblano peppers

maybe 6-9 peices of fresh garlic

cilantro- not a lot not a little

some spices.. maybe some cumin, a little vinegar, something red if you have it like red pepper (ground)

one small can of tomato paste

Preparation:

Cut that shit up as small as you can. I just kinda cut it and then through it into a processor to grind it all for me.

repeat as many times as you need with the peppers, and add more to taste.

clean your hands very nicely and as long as you have no open cuts on your hands you should be fine to moosh that shit around with your hands and it feels pretty cool too.

Then its prob best to put it over some heat and let it simma down now, so that it tastes flavorful. at this point- hopefully you have been on ambien or at least drinking and you will think it is delious too. Maybe I’ll try to post this again tomorrow once Im semi refressed. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz