Guns don’t always scare me. I’ve shot them from time to time, and I’ve actually enjoyed it. I am from Texas  after all.

I do however, have an extremely deep seated fear of being shot with one, despite the fact that  (Mom, Auntie Linda, and P.J.) please skip over the next sentence) I once played a game of indoor Human Duck Hunt- a game where my friends and I shot each other in the backs with a BB gun.

I can actually pin point the exact moment when my fear came along, and as jokey as I might be whilst telling this story, you have to realize that this was, quite literally, scariest moment of my life.

A few years ago on St. Patrick’s day, a few friends and I went to a bar in Ft Worth that was in walking distance from LA’s apartment. There was a patio out back, and we spent the night drinking green beer and having a blast. A few of our guy friends decided to take off a little early, but LA, Moops, Sally and I all decided to stay back and have one more drink.

By the time we left, we were all quite tipsy… or if I’m really honest, we were down right drunk. We stumbled out the door and proceeded to make our way across a dark parking lot towards the apartment complex. When we were about half way there, LA and I, in our usual fashion, started hitting each other with our purses. Every once in a while, when the moon is right, we are struck with the desire to wrestle, (don’t get happy boys) for entertainment purposes only. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw 2 people walking toward us, but I didn’t think much anything of it at the time.

By the time they approached us, we were so caught up in seeing who could de-foot the other first, that we didn’t get any weird vibes from the two. In any right state of mind, one of the four of us would have thought it strange that the two young people who were not wearing green were standing uncomfortably close to our circle. But no, we kept right on laughing and swinging our purses like drunken asshats.

When one of them tapped me on the shoulder, I assumed it was someone who Lauren knew. I laughed and casually slapped  their shoulder, thinking they were just enjoying the show. After a few more seconds I finally realized that Moops and Sally were laying on the ground, belly down, and one of strangers were standing above them.

I was about 2 sticks away from being this naive.

It wasn’t until saw the gun that I truly realized what was happening. From that point, everything started moving in slow motion. I saw then that they were both holding large, silver guns, and that they didn’t look happy. There was a boy and a girl, both in their twenties. The girl was wearing a large sweatshirt with the hoodie pulled over her face, and the boy was wearing a beanie low on his forehead. Just as I started taking it all in, the girl put a gun up to LA’s head and demanded that she hand over her purse. I watched dumbly as she quickly followed her directions without a protest.

I was then the only one left standing. I can’t remember who, but one of my friends grabbed at my ankle and angrily whispered to “get down.”

“Gimme your purse and get on the ground,” the guy demanded.

Even though I knew what I was supposed to do, I couldn’t make myself move. When I finally remembered how to make my arms work, I struggled with getting my new Beatle’s purse, which had been tightly wound around my wrist for the fight, loose.  When I got it free, I had the thought that I should retrieve my credit card before handing it over. Making what could have been the dumbest decision of my life, I slid my hand into the purse, grabbed the card with my cupped hand, and swiftly put the card in my pocket before thrusting the clutch in their direction.

The guy robber asked me angrily if I had taken something out, and I shook my head to say no before I got on the ground. Luckily they believed me. As we all lay on the ground, the robbers stood over us for what felt like an eternity. Even though my eyes were tightly closed and I couldn’t hear anything except for my own heavy breathing, I could feel the burning of the gun on my back. I was sure that every second would be my last.

After what felt like an eternity, LA shouted  “RUN!” and took off. She was halfway to the gate before the rest of us had even gotten off the ground, but we all followed quickly behind her. I was roughly 250 lbs at the time, but I ran faster than I had ever ran in my life.

Once we were in the apartment, we all got quite emotional. One of my friends who had left the bar early was quick to call one of our stolen phones. The mugger answered and some words (that I won’t repeat) were spoken. The police came and our cards and phones were cancelled.

Looking back, it was quite funny that in the short time it took us to cancel our phones, rap song ring tones had already been purchased and downloaded.

You can bet your sweet ass that none of us slept that night, or slept easy for many nights to come.

So you can probably understand why I got so freaked out when I heard a loud bang out my window the other night. Within seconds LA had rushed out of bed and met me at the office door.

“That was a gun shot, I’m sure of it,” she said.

I screamed something like “OHHOLYFUCKINGSHIT” and ran to the hallway where I slid butt first to the ground. “GET DOWN AND DUCK!!!!”

LA stood above me and calmly told me to get up. “It’s not a drive by, it was just a gun shot. I’m calling the cops.”

So I got up off the ground and dramatically tweeted that gun shots were being shot in my neighborhood. LA went back to bed and I sat up for hours fantasizing about the dramatic shit that went down just across the street. When I drove home for lunch the following day and a moving man and about 4 men mowing the lawn and moving stuff out, I’m pretty sure I was right in my conclusion.

I don’t know the details, but if my imagination serves me correctly, the scenario involved a midget, some drugs, the CIA, and an underground sex tape. I hope I’m wrong.

I know you’ve missed me. Or not.. but I’ve missed you. I can’t believe my week of stay-cating and watching movies has come to an end. But I guess as they say, all good things must come to an end.

Really though? Why? Why must good things end? The world would be a thousand times better if we simply kept the good things going.

Do you know what that would mean? Since good= John Cusack, we could watch John Cusack movies all the live long day. Since good= sunflower seeds, I could eat them for every meal. Since good=It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, they wouldn’t take really long breaks in between seasons causing me to watch stupid shows instead. Since good = ketchup, people wouldn’t look at me so weird when I use 27 packets with my lunch.

“You can never have too much of a good thing.”

I like that one better…

Anyway, so yes. My good week of not having to go into an office has ended, but I’m actually quite excited to have something to occupy my brain, which has had quite a lot to deal with the past week.

I’ve had some family drama going on, which I’m not going to go into now… because quite frankly I’m tired of thinking about it.

I’ve had to get over seeing approximately 84 peni, which I’m guessing is the plural for “penis,” this week on chat roulette, which I guess is sort of my own fault. Actually though, LA and I found the perfect solution for these weirdos that think that everyone wants to watch them slap their salami. We go through the whole introduction and act like we’re into it… then I stand so that the camera focuses on my crotch, slowly unzip, and pull out a banana. It’s quite entertaining to get their reaction, but then again my entertainment level equates that of a 13 year old boy.

Oh and then last night I got broken up with via text message. By a guy I’m not even sure I was dating in the first place.

I usually don’t like to blog-bash people I know in real life who don’t have a blog that they can use to defend themselves… but I can’t let this one go by without saying anything. I mean a text message!? Really? You don’t even have the courtesy to tell me to my face? To give me just a little explanation?

Truth is, this one is probably my fault too. A few months ago we tried out this whole hanging out thing, and he blew me off without an explanation, so I really kind of expected this.. but still… A text message?

We had been hanging out again recently, and truth be told- I wasn’t really feeling it and it’s not like I thought we were going to get married or anything, but it was fun.. ya know? So I figured what the hell. Then I hadn’t heard from him in a few days and I’m sick of bullshit games so last night (after a full day of pub crawling and drinking) I decided to text and ask what was up.

I have since deleted him from my phone so I can’t say for sure what was said, but I’m thinking it was something along the lines of “Soooo I’m guesssingr itss ovverrr?

His reply? Something to the likes of “I didn’t really see it going anywhere, I’d like to still be friends .”

I think after that I sent him a string of drunken texts but I have no idea what I said so I think I’d like to get that response out there now, for closure and what not.

Dear  Douchecanoe,

Well, I guess I already knew the answer before I drunkenly texted you, so I can’t be too angry with you. At least you were honest. However, I did think that you need to know that telling someone via text that you’re not interested is unacceptable. Sure, it’s better than on a post-it note, or a billboard or something… but not by much. Were we even dating in the first place?  I don’t really think sitting over at your place getting drunk and watching music videos before hooking up counts as a date.

Also, I know that by me writing this, it actually sounds like I might care. This is definitely not the case. More than anything I just wanted a little bit of an explanation. I’m all about constructive criticism and was curious to know what I did that made me not even worthy of a phone call. Unless the reason is because I did something weird like fart in my sleep. Then just leave it be…

In addition, I wanted to express my annoyance with the fact that you got to end it first. Maybe that says something about my maturity level, and usually I wouldn’t care… but a text????

That’s all I wanted to say… hope we can still be friends.

cjaded

Peeee Esssss…

I lied. I do think your hats are stupid.

Also, today I joined match.com today even though part of me feels like I should bow out of this whole dating scene while I am clearly ahead.

I have missed you and hopefully tomorrow night I can catch up on reading some blogs… it’s been way too long but I just couldn’t sit in front of the computer any more than I had to!

Well probably you don’t, but just in case you DO – I have compiled a list so that you can be just as awesome as I am!!

*** Do not try to achieve “hot-mess” status unless you have some good friends around to make sure you don’t take it too far. You will also need some people that you can count on to help put your life back together once it is all said and done. You also will want to surround yourself with patient friends, who know how to have a good laugh.

*Start out your Friday night by jinxing yourself. It’s pretty fail-proof if you utter the remark “I’m not drinking very much tonight,” that you will actually drink that much and probably more.

*Begin the night with double vodka soda’s.

*Supplement drinks with shots.

*Do a few performances at a karaoke bar, including the “always a crowd pleaser” “Total Eclipse of the Heart” – Old School version.

*** A karaoke performance is not complete if you don’t include a leg kick at some point.

*Talk to any person who is willing to talk to you, and tell your entire life story.

*Make your new bar friends look up what you proclaim to be the “funniest blog in the world,” (mine) (which I know is certainly not the case) and make them save it to their phone.

*Go back to the microphone and sing “What A Wonderful World,” in the voice of Louis Armstrong. Again.

*End said performance by saying something like “SORRY IF THAT SUCKED AND IF YOU THINK SO WELL THEN EFF YOU BITCHES.”

*Wake up in the morning 30 minutes before you need to be somewhere that is forty-five minutes away.

*Realize that you left your phone at the bar.

*Realize that your wallet is also missing.

*Scratch that.

*YOU HAVE LEFT YOUR ENTIRE PURSE AT A BAR.

*Drive back to bar and recover your life.

*Arrive at new landlord’s house  to sign your lease 45 minutes late so that he is no longer home.

Put your money in his mailbox, call and leave a message to let him know that you’ve done so.

*Don’t hang up phone after you leave message, and accidentally record yourself saying something to the likes of “this effing blows, we get up early to get this shit taken care of and he isn’t even effin here.”

*Meet up with a friend and drink two of her mother’s Mikes Hard Lemonades.

*Proceed to go to lunch and have 2 bloody marys.

*Take a 3 hour nap.

*Wake up and go to a bar for dinner and drinks at about 6, having not showered and wearing the same clothes you wore the night before.

*Text people that you definitely have no business texting, and that you shouldn’t even be talking to.

*Get your phone taken away by a friend, but it’s for the better.

*Leave the bar at around 10 and pass out on a friend’s couch while everyone else is watching a movie.

*Wake up at 8 with a dead phone,  having no clue where you are.

*Luckily, you will still have time to make the sausage biscuit breakfast at Whattaburger.

*Go to see Valentines Day, looking, feeling, and smelling like three day old dogshit.

*On a Sunday afternoon proclaim with pride that “I haven’t showered since Thursday night!!!”

*Get in your Hurricane car and drive back to hurricane room, where you will ponder on these events and then the ones that you don’t remember so much about.

*Blog about it all so that the whole world has the opportunity to read about your awesomeness.

*Do things to help you forget your night/s.

*Relive it all again when a friend posts pictures of you in your worst state possible.

That. Happened.

There you have it, somewhere around 30 easy steps to be a hurricane.

Happy Monday folksters!!

Yeah… I don’t do them well.

I know I posted the other day about how I truly believe there are no mistakes… and I still believe that. I really do.

But that being said- when it comes to choosing between one thing or another, or whether or not to do something, or even thinking about the fact that I have a choice in the matter… sometimes I  feel like I suck big, hairy, man tits.

Figuratively speaking, of course.

Although I have licked one before on a dare. Or under the influence of alcohol… I can’t remember.

I’m pretty sure I spend half of my life debating in my brain whether or not I should do something. When I finally decide what I will do, then starts the debate as to how I should go about it. And then once I finally do the thing in question, I analyze for hours as to whether or not I made the right decision. And then I analyze what other people might be thinking of my decision. And whether or not I should even care.

I was originally going to post my test-ad for Craiglist, trying to find a free Life-Coach (with benefits?)… but WordPress hates me and I lost it, and I was too lazy to try to recreate it, so you get this instead.

Lately it seems I have some big decisions weighing on my shoulders. Like, where the hell am I going to live in 3.5 weeks when my lease is up? Should I just bite the bullet and move to away  and give this comedy stuff a shot? Should I go back to school and get my masters?

I really related to Shine’s post yesterday about her struggle with censorship on her blog. Every day before I hit publish, I sit back and try to think about who I could be offending. I wonder if people in my life who read this will assume that I am talking about them. I debate about whether or not I should even be sharing the shiz that I put out there, or if it is better that I keep my crazy head to myself.  As much as I have talked about this and have tried to adopt Shine’s philosophy of “it’s my blog and I’ll write I want to,” I know I will still contemplate these things.

It’s not always even the big things that get to me. In fact, usually it’s the little insignificant things that get to me the most.

Let’s reflect over a few of my small yet majorly time consuming decisions that I struggle with daily, shall we?

And yes… I realize I’m quite ricockulous.

*Whether or not to wear a jacket: I leave jackets places as often as Perez Hilton fucks is an asshole, and jackets are expensive. I have to constantly weigh out whether or not having a numb body is more important than losing an 80 dollar coat. Plus, half the time, even if I want to wear a jacket because it is 33 degrees outside (like it is now) I don’t know where any of them are. So then I have to decide if I should invest the time to look for said jacket, or just make a freezing cold run for it. And more so?  Dude. I live in Texas. You never know what a fall/winter/spring day will bring. If I wear the jacket, I usually end up with sweaty armpits. And if I don’t? All my arm hair, plus an additional 3 inches grows back.

*Whether to get the hell up and ready, or push snooze 14 more times: I’m not even sure why I bother with this one. But I do, every. single. morning.    My alarm goes off at 6:30. I snooze until 6:40. This is the time when I start debating whether I should get in the shower, blow dry my hair, watch 20 minutes of Good Morning America while I think about fixing my hair but usually don’t and  instead choose to eat a grapefruit in bed. Or whether I should continue to snooze until 7:15 when I will jump out of bed in a panic, throw on dirty clothes, brush my teeth, grab a banana, and run out the door with my clothes inside out. 99.98767899936 percent of the time push snooze at least 9 times and I show up at work looking like a person from underneath the stairs.

*Whether or not to go out: This is always a question that requires a lot of thought. I mean, if I choose to go out, that usually means that I have to shower (which I detest) and that I have to find something to wear. Then I have to think about whether or not I am actually in the mood to be social. Do I have money? Are my eyebrows plucked? Is there even anyone going to be there that I want to talk to? Am I having an ugly-face day? Not that these questions really matter much in the real decision making process… It usually all comes down to who is guest hosting  SNL tonight? and do I have beer at home?

*What to eat for dinner: For my roommates and I, this is literally the most difficult decision that we have to come to as a group, daily. The texts usually start somewhere between 2 and 3pm, once lunch starts to wear off. Our conversations are pretty much always the same.

Me: I’m hungry, what should we do for dinner?

Jake: meeee toooo… I’m craving Mi Cocina!

Me: We can’t afford Mi Cocina, plus then we’ll have the runs, and have to run afterward to burn off that 5000 calorie Limbo Taxi we will have.

Jake: urghhhhhhh….. well what do we do?

Me: I’m having 3 pieces of un-cooked rice.

Jake: I’m having 8 baked beans so that I can keep full longer.

Me: I’m having water.

Jake: I’m having air.

And then we usually decide to meet at home to discuss our options before we go to the store, which usually results in us sitting around for two more hours starving… so we either settle on fish and veggies that we have in our freezer, or we wait another additional hour before we go to the store, each of us emerging with a tv dinner and a bottle of wine. But it’s all good because by that time, I have already eaten off all of my fingers and I’m not even hungry anymore.

I really just want a feeding tube. I think that would solve everything.

*Do I, or don’t I applaud at the end of a movie: Yes. I’m a clapper. What? I like showing my appreciation. Plus it feels really validating when you clap first and everyone else joins in. But you always risk the chance that no one will join in, causing you to be the lone-idiot-slow clapper.

*To drink or not to drink: I more apt to go with the “to” on this one. I still have at least five minutes of internal debate.

*And more importantly, to ambien or not to ambien: This debate doesn’t have to do so much with actually taking it, it’s more as to whether or not I will actually get into bed after the fact. And after I take it, the decision is really no longer up to me.

*Whether or not to speak up: Dude, this is the worst. I’m an honest person. I believe in telling the truth, but there are some situations where I am just at a loss as to whether or not I should speak my mind or put myself out there. I’m talking about in multiple types of situations, with friends,with guys, at work… whatever. I never know what to do when friends who ask for my opinion about a situation, especially when I know that telling someone the truth could possibly hurt them. I also constantly struggle with putting my feelings out there when I know it could result in getting hurt myself. I decided a while back not to play games, and lately I’ve been taking more risks with my words…. Still not sure how well that is working out.

*Whether or not I should check my bank account: A lose/lose situation. I check it and am either completely bummed or I see that I actually have money and then proceed to overspend. Or I don’t check it and proceed to overspend. Conundrum.

*To pee, or not to pee: Well, I don’t usually think about this too much. I usually just go when I gotta go. Preferably in a toilet, and not as a result of a sneeze. But right now I feel that I have to go, but I really don’t feel like getting up until I finish this, and I also know that the toilet is going to freeze my ass off, and I actually kind of like my ass. But after thinking about it the last few minutes, I think I’m going to go ahead and pee so I don’t sneeze and accidentally pee my pants or something.

Happy Weekend party people!

I want to preface this with the fact that I am well aware that what I’m doing on this blog may not interest you in the tiniest bit. You may have come across this page and criticized my writing, or wonder why the fuck I think anyone would care about the fact that I had yet another “shitting myself” dream. And  that’s cool with me. I really couldn’t care less about your judgment of me; therefore feel  no less guilt about judging others.

Which brings me to what I hate today: Food blogs.

I  want to be clear what I mean by “Food Blogs.” I am not talking about recipe or cooking blogs that serve a purpose in explaining how to make and present meals… Or even food review blogs, where people tell me what I should order. I’m talking about  the people who have a personal blog, and don’t have anything more  interesting to share with the world, other than what they ate for their last meal. If you’ve never come across one of these blogs, just browse any blog directory and you are sure to find one within the first ten minutes of browsing. In fact, I’m pretty sure the “blog world” is comprised of about 30% foodie blogs, 40% mommy blogs, 20% blogs about blogging and other technical shit, and about 10% of the blogs are in the miscellaneous category.

Here is an example of how a Food Blog post might look.

____________________________________________________________________________

This week I’m trying to save money and avoid the rain so I decided to eat lunch at my desk. Thank goodness I remembered to grab my lunch on the way out. I also decided that today I’m going to eat healthy. We’ll see if that decision will hold true until dinner time!

I decided to start with Apples and Cinnamon Oatmeal, my favorite!!!

I washed it down with a Diet Coke! I wish it was a real one, but I already had 2 cokes for breakfast (see last post) so I’m trying to be good!

Then I ate a yummy apple! EE gads!!  That’s a lot of apple products for one day!!! What I wouldn’t do for a camel apple sucker!!

For desert I had a Dark chocolate pudding cup! Delicious and only like 100 calories!

But I was STILL Hungry!!! MMMmmm string cheese! Light! only about 3 of these fills me up! hehehe

Cinnamon trident gum is my favorite! I usually have at least half a package a day!!!

________________________________________________________________________________

Ok so maybe the average “Food Blog” is a little more interesting than this, but they still get on my nerves. And I know people read them! My best friend probably reads food blogs more than she reads mine.

Maybe I’m just jealous that people are eating things that are so much more interesting than I eat.

Or maybe they just plain suck.

I think it is partly the weather. This is literally the seventh straight day of rain, and I am beginning to go out of my mind.

I think it’s also partly because last week I reached a monumental goal, and I’ve been using the fact that I’ve “earned myself a break.” as an excuse. Last week I hit my 100 lbs- lost mark, which feels really amazing.. but now that I’ve reached my  goal there’s a tiny part of my brain that’s like “what now? go celebrate!! have a cookie!!!”  I think I’ll take the rest of this week, then get back being focused. It’s not nearly as hard as it used to be-to get myself to the gym and stay away from carbs, and I just have to tell myself how good it feels to be healthy.

I also have to remember that almost exactly 2 years ago, when I first started this journey, I wouldn’t have thought twice about picking up Whataburger or Taco Bueno for lunch. Not that I don’t have my slip ups now and then… but honestly just the thought of eating a burger in the middle of the day and then sitting at my desk for 5 hours makes me wince.

Enough about that… I’m starting to feel really guilty now that I’ve put this out there. I think I’ll be going to spin class tonight after all!

In other news, tonight is the season 5 premiere of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, just  in case I haven’t mentioned it. The Office, Parks and Recreation and Community also all premiere tonight on NBC so (after spin,) I plan on going home, pulling out my pastels (because lately I have been wasting time drawing 5-yr old like pictures of “peace trees” and cacti,) and spending the evening watching some long, awaited television.

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I have been diligently writing to myself for over 20 years.

That is insane.

There are not many things in life that I have done diligently for 20 years, except for the obvious activities like brushing my teeth.
So… I sat on the ground for about an hour on my closet floor, with the journals spread all around- flipping through my life, just as I always do whenever I come across old photo albums, baby books, and the other various archives of my life. There are some entries that brought back pain and sadness- and I could remember all too clearly the emotion I felt when writing them. Others are just so ridiculous; I am embarrassed that I would have written these thoughts down, even if they were meant for my eyes only.

The first page of every journal starts out with some kind of disclaimer, for you know- if I were to die or if someone were to find my journal. These disclaimers range anywhere from threats to lies.

This first one is a little lame-

“If someone were to find this journal and read it- I just cannot believe you”

Another one reads-

“My journal for whatever thoughts, dreams, ideas, complaints, insights, quotes, favorite things, and goals. Don’t read unless I’m dead-or else you will be dead.”

And my personal favorite, if I do say so myself-
(from a high school journal)

“If you come across this journal, shut it right now. If you are my parents and read it anyway, some things written here are written for when I’m famous and they publish this and are purely for entertainment value- so don’t worry- I don’t really drink.”

I’m thinking about reusing that last one as a disclaimer for my blog.
Another thing I noticed is that my writing style and topics of choice haven’t really changed since I was in junior high. You’d think that after doing something for over twenty years, my writing would have vastly improved, or at least evolved. I guess this rule doesn’t apply for diary writing.

I’m a little hesitant to do this, as I am basically outing myself as a truly ridiculous/sappy/annoying/egocentric/boring/embarrassingly stupid character (most of these are still true today)… but I’ve decided to share with you a few passages from my high school journal- which is just the one I grabbed when I walked out this morning. The names have been changed.

3/19/1998

Ugh ok. Nuthing seems to be going great. Well I guess nuthing is too bad but it makes me mad that nothing is perfect. Earlier I was watching Boy meets World, and it makes me sooooo mad that I can’t find someone that loves me as much as Corey loves Topanga. Ugh “Bob” makes me sooooo mad. I’m sick of all this shit with him. Also I really don’t want to take the ALG test tomorrow. My teacher came up to me and was like “don’t stress just close your eyes and go to your Happy Land.” I wuz like, like the one in Happy Gilmore? Hahaha. I had my span final today. It was ok, I did good but I kinda cheated. Well everyone did! It wuz a stupid test and Dr. “Galvez” hes like a child molester or something.
“Kelsey” said “Tommy “ asked her who I wuz dating. Hes prob not even interested but gosh he is the hottest guy in the world. I hate that we messed around and nothing even happened. Oh well! I’m gonna watch friends and maybe study. Love ya!

That’s some really deep stuff.

05/12/1998
Yesterday we went to Lake Whitney with my fam and it was actually really fun! We swam and went tubing and stuff. Then we watched Heart and Souls, Good Will Hunting, and a really funny one with Bett Midler and Lily Tomlin. Now Im just sittin here listenen to Hope Floats Soundtrack . I can’t wait til theater camp!! It still sucks that I cant get paid cuz I have to use those hours for community service for that stupid MIP. I kinda have a crush on that “Mike” guy now. He told me to call him tomorrow and even though I really think he should call me- I think I might. I dunno. Well anyways, tonight we went to and got kicked out of several hotel parties. Howard Johnsons and some other rogush place. It sucked. Im still kinda drunk lateerrz!

Then just a few days later:

05/15/1998
Today I went to some stupid softball game with “Amy.” It was kinda boring even though there were some cute boys there to talk to. “Paul” is verrry hot and I think he would make the sweetest boyfriend. Well I did talk to “Mike” the other night and he was nice and we had a good conversation but he hasn’t called me as far as I know. I did have a few hang-ups though. My stupid parents need to get caller id fixed. But “Terry” talked to him the other day and said he wuz gonna call me. Im prob much more experienced than him so I don’t care really. Or so he thinks. Plus he has the same initials as Matt Damon so that’s cool, but Im sure he’s still a penishead regardless.! I decided today I want to be an actress. Actually Ive known for a long time, but now I know its my destiny. I will be discovered and become famous starring in a movie with Joshua Jackson and George Clooney. They will play brothers and both will be in love with me! If only Coach “Smith” wasn’t such a bitch and would let me do one act! Tonight I have to beat “Terry” at the movie game. Its my game and no ones gonna beat me. UGHHHH I am SOOO PISSED I CAN”T FIND MY ER TAPE ANYWHERE!! Laterz!

These are embarrassingly sad.. or sadly embarrassing. Either way, I have plenty more of these- some of which I would rather die than share- but we shall see.

I soooooo wish I wasn’t at work today. This totally sucks. Neways, its like nearly lunchtime and Ive gotta go to starbucks cuz that boy that works there is sooooooooo fine! Laterz!

-My friends have started to get gray hairs (or no hairs)  and I’m scared shitless that it’s only a matter of time for me to as well.

-I have started listening to talk radio and pod casts… for enjoyment.

-More often than not my tv is tuned in to Fox news or the Discovery Channel or Bravo. I know things about politics, and I have formed my own opinions.

-I have found myself looking at younger girls and shaking my head with the thought that “I can’t believe their mother let them leave the house like that. It’s no longer because I’m jealous that I can’t fit into those clothes, I actually can’t believe they are out in public wearing that.

-I couldn’t recognize a Miley Cyrus or Jonas Brothers song, and I couldn’t pick a Jonas brother out from a room full of adolescence aged boys.

- I haven’t watched an MTV show since there were actual videos on, and until recently I thought William was actually Will1a.m.

-I prefer reading anything by Ann Rice than doing anything related to the Twilight series.

-I worry all day long about how much sleep I’m going to get, because I know I can’t survive on less than seven hours.

-People used to compliment how perky my boobs were. They no longer do.

-I used to sleep in a bra to keep my boobs perky. Now I take that bitch off the second I walk in the door.

-If I met Zach Effron I’d probably have to fight the urge to pat him on the head..  (But I’m not gonna lie, I would totally do Shia Labouf)

-I just had to google how to @reply to someone on twitter.

-I know longer like shopping. I don’t like malls. I despise the music I play in them. I hate the people there. If I go shopping its for an item I need.

-I have used coupons.

-Some of my favorite songs are on the classic radio station.

-I have spent more than an hour of my life looking in the mirror, smiling and frowning, and watching the lines around my eyes move.

-I had a crush on Steven Tyler before he looked like a grandma.

I know, It’s not like I wear reading glasses or anything. But it’s only a matter of time.

Oh yes, I believe I’m still (kind of) hip to the times when it comes to film and music, but I’m pretty sure the movies and music I like makes me more of a nerd- Is Ben Folds still cool? You don’t have to remind me that wisdom comes with age, because their are plenty of things  that I did in my younger age that I wouldn’t ever think about doing today. And I’m not just talking about people.

However, I realized a couple weeks ago while I was watching Juno- that even though I got the gist of the movie and laughed at all the appropriate times- I have no fucking clue what these kids are really talking about.  Here is an insert from the film. What in the hell Ouiser? Or wait, I mean WTF?

Leah: Yo Yo Yiggady Yo.
Juno MacGuff: I’m at suicide risk.
Leah: Juno?
Juno MacGuff: No, it’s Morgan Freeman. Do you have any bones that need collecting?
Leah: Only the one in my pants…
Juno MacGuff: I’m pregnant.
Leah: What? Honest to blog?
Juno MacGuff: Yeah. Yeah, it’s Bleekers.
Leah: It’s probably just a food baby. Did you have a big lunch?
Juno MacGuff: No, this is not a food baby all right? I’ve taken like three pregnancy tests, and I’m forshizz up the spout.
Leah: How did you even generate enough pee for three pregnancy tests? That’s amazing…
Juno MacGuff: I don’t know, I drank like, ten tons of Sunny D… Anyway dude, I’m telling you I’m pregnant and you’re acting shockingly cavalier.
Leah: Is this for real? Like, for real for real?
Juno MacGuff: Unfortunately, yes.
Leah: Oh my GOD. Oh shit! Phuket, Thailand!
Juno MacGuff: There we go. That was kind of the emotion that I was searching for on the first take.

Sooo.. I’ve come to the conclusion that it come time for me to start using an incredibly useful  site known as the Urban Dictionary, a site where users can input their own definitions to slang words. Or as  one member defined Urban Dictionary in the Urban Dictionary:

**this post was written yesterday (Monday.)

Today was a crazy craptastic sort of Monday. I woke up to thunder, forgot my lunch, realized my pants looked like hammer pants and my shirt kept coming unbuttoned. On top of that, I actually got called a mother-f*cker by a customer. ewwww.

So, I decided tonight there is absolutely nothing I would rather do than be nostalgic for my weekend. Which, lets be honest; except for a few things- was a pretty bad ass weekend. Here I’ll show you!

First off some of my friends and I went to see the Fray.  While they are not my favorite band in the world, we ended up having a blast!!

There is a good chance we got more of a kick out of laughing at drunk teenagers than we did out of the actual concert.

We certainly didn’t skimp on the 12 dollar beers at the venue.

We left the concert happy, and had a nice Michael Jackson/old rap song sing along to prepare ourselves for some karaoke. Some where along the way I lost a flip flop. This wasn’t the first time in the last month. or even the 3rd.

Unfortunately, We got there a little late to really get much singing in. Don’t think that didn’t stop me from joining a random guy in singing America’s “Sister Golden Hair onstage, as well as performing a dance along to a performance of  “All That Jazz.” The latter ended with a drunk old weirdo trying to crawl under my dress and one of my girlfriends almost kicking his ass. The first part part of this situation being rather disgusting, the second-pretty bad ass.

The  night didn’t end particularly well, and I won’t go into details. I’ll just say sometimes humans can be major assholes.

The next morning, I was in a particularly foul mood, and spent the majority of it feeling sorry for myself. In an effort to improve my mood, a few of my friends decided that what I needed was to jump the diet ship and go for a big delicious hamburger. In order to ensure that it was worth it, they drove me 50 minutes away to enjoy a burger at Carl’s Jr.

After eating, my weekend took a dramatic turn for the better. I decided it would be an excellent idea to buy a ten dollar scratch off lottery ticket. My friends disagreeing with me made it seem like an even better idea. Even though I’ve never won more than a free diet coke at McDonalds, I figured that the way my day was going it couldn’t get any worse.

And I was right! With every scratch I won another ten dollars to total a whopping $200. I know to some this may not seem like much, but to me- it was just as exciting as winning one of those convertables in the mall.

Needless to say, I became a little more chipper.

Oh yeah, I was still wearing the same dress from the night before, don’t judge.

Since I was in major need of some retail therapy (and have made a recent vow to see how long I can go only shopping at resale shops) I decided to take my newly earned lottery money and have some fun at the local Goodwill. Why I did not take any pictures of this, I do not know. We found some amazingly horrible gems that school teachers around the world (no offense mom) would have gone ape shit over.

A little later we made our way to one of my roommate’s mother’s surprise birthday party at a little dive in Lewisville.

Near the beginning of the night, I really didn’t think I would make it 20 minutes, I was so tired. Turns out, all I needed was a few cocktails before I was singing on stage with the entertainment.

I ended up pretty much staying on stage for the remainder of the evening. I have some pretty awesome (err) videos that I will upload as soon as I can figure out how. Some of the highlights include Jake and my rendition of Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody”, and Denny and I singing yelling “You’ve Lost that Lovin Feeling.” And of course I can’t forget (although I’d like to) my hour sing along to old George Straight songs with a drunk cowboy, or the all too embarrassing free style that I did to “Bust a Move.”

Here are a few other images so you can get an idea how our night went down. I’m not proud my roommate’s grandmother was there to witness this!

Eventually, It was time for me to be carried  and disposed of in our hotel room by our bartender Luke. He looked kind of like Kevin Smith, and wore a shirt that said “Ever rode a fat guy, want to?” Thank goodness I have friends who wouldn’t have let me endure that experience. Nevertheless, I must have been feeling a little frisky, bc at some point during the night I felt the need to undress. Thank goodness my the only other people who could have witnessed this were gay, and were too passed out to know anything was amuck.

I woke up in a panic when I realized I slept the entire night under the cardboard-ish motel sheets, that we all know are never cleaned, and knew that I had probably either contracted a bad case of lice or bed bugs… or worse.

We also woke up to discover we didn’t get a bargain on our hotel room as we had thought, but had actually probably over paid.

If that's not ghetto, I dunno what is

This didn’t make us very happy.

we didn't feel very well, naturally

We decided to make our selves feel better, with a big breakfast… in a little shanty. Our waitress told the family next to us that she did not like children, “Because they smell like shit, ther dirty, ther stupid, and i jist dont likem.” The little red head girl at the table didn’t seem very stupid, and didn’t seem very happy about this at all.

I ordered all of this. I almost ate it all. I am not proud.

=the a inch to my gut.

After this I spent a little time in the pool, where I had a slight relapse of depression, so decided to emotionally eat once again.

$30 seafood platter

By the time we left Red Lobster I had no choice but to go back on the dieting wagon, as I had no more lottery money with which to indulge myself. I watched the “Haunting of Connecticut,” (which was ok) took and ambien, and went to sleep. I don’t know if this weekend was a success or fail, but my gut is telling me to go to the gym.