First off, I have a confession. I totally cheated on my “no drinking for almost a week” pact with myself. I have no excuse, except for I really suck at life. If it makes up for anything, it was only a few beers, and I still didn’t get any sleep. But i did have a good night.

Moving on…

Every month or so I like to take a looksie at the search terms people have used to find my page. I really hate for people to end up on my site looking for some specific information, only to leave dissatisfied and empty handed. Therefore, I will do my best share with you my knowledge about some of the more popular search terms used to get here.

If you came here by way of one of these terms, you’re welcome!

“hairy arse removal pads”

You’re not being very specific, but I am guessing that you are searching for ways to remove the hair from your “arse,” and not remove the hairy”arse” altogether (although I’m sure I can find someone for this as well.) I am no expert on arse hair, but I do have my experience (as you know) with hair on other parts of the body. If your arse hair is especially thick, I’m thinking you should stick with old fashioned shaving. If it is more sparce, you could try burning the hairs (in an open, well ventilated area) just be careful not to pass gas. You could also try plucking them, but you may need ass-istance, and that may be hard to find.

“carissa blog dallas”

There is a chance you actually found what you were looking for. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

“picture hand with red dot due to liver”

Why? Why would you do that to me?  You freakin bastard. I am already really paranoid about a little red dot on my arm and my liver. So sorry, won’t find any information on this here. I try not to think about it, maybe you should do the same. Or try out web MD. But if it makes you feel any better, my doctor said it’s nothing to worry about. But then again, I don’t trust that guy. He once falsely told me I needed gallbladder removal.

“free pant pee poo movies”

I”m not so sure how you ended up here on this one. I can’t provide you with what you are looking for, especially for free, but you may want to google a little word called “scat.” (thank you gay friends)

“do you know that demented person?”

I’ve been called crazy, eccentric, nutty, unhinged, and cuckoo… but never demented so I know that you came here by mistake. Perhaps you were looking for him,  or him, or  her….

“how to make a pair of saggy boobs for haloween costume” (this was how it was spelled)

This was a popular one. There were also a few variations of this search including “home-made saggy boobs” Making Golden Girl boob sag” and “homemade booby.” I am no expert here, but I do have an idea. I say take a pair of pantie hose and cut them off around the calf. Stuff them with sand bags then sew the open end to your shirt at chest level. It doubt it will work, which is why for MY costume, I simply purchased a pair of saggy boobs on the internet. Good luck!

“a dying bird on the road bit my feet”

How very unfortunate for you! First off, you can’t be surprised that a dying bird bit your foot if you were stupid enough to stand in biting distance. You must have been nearly on top of that bird. It’s not like that bird has arms to reach out and pull your foot to it’s mouth. And what did you expect? The poor thing was dying and needed to take it’s anger out on someone!

And yes, you probably have rabies.

“diarrhea every time i urinate”

First off, congrats on your superb ability to spell diarrhea, I never get that right! Second, so sorry to hear about your problem. I wish I could say I haven’t been there. I bet it burns. I’m no doctor, but I would say to decrease the burning sensation, try sitting on a cool washrag or an ice cube. Otherwise, quit drinking so much beer, try to eat some more veggies, and maybe try to squeeze to hold it in.

“effects of swallowing a spoonful of cinnamon”

It’s a good thing you asked before you tried. While this may seem like a fun party trick, I can tell you first hand- there is nothing fun or funny about it. When you first swallow a heaping spoon full, you think you’re going to be able to handle it. After the first little bit goes down, you start to wheeze a little, and small particles of cinnamon start to float around in your trachea. Then you will undoubtedly try to take a sip of water because you are nearly choking to death, which only solidifies the cinnamon into a mush in your throat. At this point, your best bet is to start trying to push it out the way it came in.

“carissa mustache facebook”

There is only one picture that I can think of that you may be referring to:

Unless of course you zoom in, then any of my pictures may apply.

“holy shit its james franco fuck me sideways”

I’m not sure why this brought you here, but I agree full heartily. In fact, I’ll expand on sideways, and go ahead and include any missionary, doggie, fuck! I’ll take any position in the book. I wish I could share him with you… but I can’t let you leave here empty handed, so…

Image by danzden via Flickr

“my pee hole dropped to my vagina”

If this did in fact happen, then bravo to you my friend. Ohhhh… I wouldn’t be too proud or go around telling potential boyfriends or anything (because you are a freak.) But dude! Go turn yourself in for medical research! You could probably make loads of money. And when you do, don’t forget who told you this golden advice.

“pooping”

This is a very broad subject. I think I’m just going to have to refer you to my friend, Dr John Dorian for this one.

[There is a video that cannot be displayed in this feed. Visit the blog entry to see the video.]

Me: sighhhhhhhh…

Me: sighhhhhhhhhhhhh…. **wine sound.

My Bestie: WHAT? WHAT IS WRONG THIS TIME? Do NOT tell me that you think you have brain cancer. If you think something is wrong, GO SEE A FREAKING DOCTOR!!!!!

Me: Nonono…. I haven’t even had a headache in like 3 days.

My Bestie: Well, what then… Lemme guess, you had a stroke? Appendicitis? Or did your Gallbladder erupt this afternoon?

Me: Ughhh that’s rude. You know I have Gallbladder issues. You are going to feel really bad when it actually does erupt.

Me: Sighhhhh, **half sob sound

My Bestie: You don’t have gallbladder issues. What is your problem?

Me: Well… I’ve had this pain in my mouth all day, and I just looked in the mirror and my gum is bleeding! I have Gum disease! Or maybe mouth cancer!! I’m going to be the only twenty-something yr old with fake teeth!

My Bestie: OHHH MY GOD! SERIOUSLY! This has got to stop. Every time I talk to you, you are dying of something. I”M REALLY GETTING SICK OF IT! I don’t think we can live together if you keep doing this. I AM SERIOUS!!!

Me: …. well Geeezzzz… you don’t have to be rude.

My Bestie: Well, you have a problem…

My Bestie: Anyway, it’s probably just halitosis.

_________________________________________________________________

Rude, Huh? But the more I think about it, she’s right. I have a problem. Somewhere in the last few years, I have become a full fledged, CooCoo for cocoa puffs, nut job, hypochondriac.

And I think I can trace my problem back to it’s origin.

It was a few years ago, back when I was still working in a cubical at a humongous  mortgage company. I was sitting at my desk, calmly looking at Craigslist job postings, when I looked down and saw it.

A little red dot.

Not where your thinking, bitches! This particular little red dot is actually on my forearm. It’s hardly noticeable, no bigger than a pin prick… but nonetheless, it’s there, clear as day.

What did I do next? I looked around to make sure nobody was approaching my cube, and I typed “little red dot” into the Google search engine. I only had to click on a few web pages before I came across a site that, in the last 3 years, I have probably single-handedly doubled their visitor count.

Yes. I’m talking about Mother fucking Web.MD.

Web MD told me that my little red dot could be a plethora of different diseases. A single red dot could mean anything from shingles to liver disease. After weeks of obsessing and crying, my friends finally talked me down from a cliff and into a Doctor’s office, where I was reassured that a little red dot, can actually just be a little red harmless dot.

I have since come to terms that I am a girl who has a little red dot on my arm, and there is nothing wrong with that. However; since my introduction to Web MD, I have been the host of numerous “ghost” diseases, infections and rashes.

There was the time I went to the doctor seven times in a month for a pain in my lower right back. After numerous tests I found out I was probably just suffering from gas. Sure enough when I cut down on the cheese, they disappeared.

Then there was the time I was sure I had a stroke. And liver disease. And every kind of cancer in the book. I can’t even make out with a guy without obsessing about pregnancy.

And of course, let us not forget that long, drawn out scabies incident where I ended up digging and burning my my skin  to get rid of the imaginary mites that I felt were  crawling under my skin.

You might think it would drive a person crazy, to have to live with so many plagues. I’ve actually gotten quite used to it. However; after my conversation yesterday, I realize that my problem has become more of a problem for you, my friends, than it is for me. I apologize for that. Thank you all for standing by me through the tough times and accompanying me to the Doctor and CVS. Thank you for lying, and telling me that you have the same symptoms, just to make me feel better (or shut up.)

I also realize, that now when I complain to you about my various ailments, you are no longer sympathetic. You used to ask me questions, call me numerous times a day to check on how I was feeling and send me reassuring text messages. I miss that.

Which is the reason that I vow to you today, I am no longer going to have Hypochondria. I am whisking it away just as I have all of my other ailments when the time was right.

So next time I tell you that I probably have kidney disease, or that my small intestine has a chicken bone lodged in it, I’m not bullshitting.

Now will you please go back to being the caring, sympathetic friends you used to be?

Muaaaaa!