Personally, I have a love/hate relationship with horror flicks. I really like to watch them. Really, I wouldn’t turn one down no matter how “B-rated” it may be. Zombie movies are my favorite, but I will watch ANYTHING. In fact, I got started on “horror movies” way earlier than the average pup. I’m not sure whether my mom just didn’t see anything wrong with showing them to me, or if she really didn’t think they would affect me- but I can honestly say I remember watching Poltergeist at 5 years old.

As much as I like them  and I appreciate that my mother didn’t censor them from me, I have a feeling that movies of the horror genre had a greater influence on me than anyone would have guessed. You might even say I have been scarred for life. So in light of it being “National Scary Movie Week” or at least “My House Scary Movie Week ,” I share with you the 5 movies that had the most profound affect on me as a child.

Arachnophobia: I recently re-watched this movie and I have come to the conclusion that I must have been thinking of a different movie. When I watched it way back when, it was definitely, in no way shape or form- a comedy. This movie absolutely terrified me. I remember making my sister come and sit in the bathroom with me while I showered because I was thoroughly convinced that a spider was going to come up the drain and instantly kill me with it’s poisonous venom. I was scared to eat popcorn because of the scene where a spider is in the bottom of the bowl.  And to this day, if I see a spider, no matter what breed- chances are you will see me pull a cartoon and run straight through the door.

Child’s Play: I have to preface this with the fact that my parents were of the belief that I really liked playing with dolls. Every year they would drag me to the local doll show and buy weird creepy used dolls that I had to pretend to enjoy. Truth was, the only “dolls” I ever really loved was a Teddy Bear named Teddy, and my Teddy Ruxpin.  Even before I saw this movie I was convinced that my dolls would come alive when no one was around. I blame this on my viewing of Jim Henson’s “A Christmas Toy” about a kajillion times. (If you haven’t seen this, it was basically an earlier, more primitive version of “The Toy Story.”) I was already very sensitive about my doll’s feelings, and didn’t want any of them to feel more important than the others. So after I caught a viewing of Child’s Play at the ripe old age of 7, I was more scared than ever to piss any of my dolls off. Every night before I snuggled up to Teddy, (the regular stuffed animal not Ruxpin because he was hard) I would walk around my room and kiss each and every doll goodnight and tell them that I loved them.

There was one doll in particular that frightened me the most. It was nearly life sized and had red unruly hair, very a la’ Chucky. I grew convinced that this particular doll in a one piece swimsuit would be my demise. I paid it extra special attention, even though it really frightened the bejeezus out of me. I started noticing that it was never in the same place that I left it. I finally told my mother and she swore that she would get rid of it for good. She said she burned it. Years later, when I was a Junior in High School I came home to find that swimsuit doll on my day bead. You might say I went a little ballistic. I thought it had come back for the sequel. My family thought it was hilarious.

Image by Echo9er via Flickr

Pet Cemetery: My dad grew up in the house where my grandparent’s still live. He had 3 other siblings, and came from a family that really loved animals. I loved my grandparent’s house because they had woods in their backyard where my cousins and I would frolic and build forts and such. I loved it all, except for one little area, just barely visible from the back room where I had to sleep. Their pet cemetery. Ah hells no. This shit even has gravestones and everything. I never really thought much about it until I saw the movie. Then I would think of practically any excuse not to have to stay over at their house (even though it was my favorite place on earth) and if I did have to stay the night I would ask to sleep with my sister. On the occasions where I had no choice but to sleep in the back room, I would stay up all night, one eye steadily focused  the white grave stone in the distance. I imagined seeing dogs and cats and raccoons rise from the graves to attack me. Those gravestones still scare me to this day.

Image via Wikipedia

Jaws: My mom had an obsession with pretty much everything that could hurt me (vampires, zombies, spiders, boogie men) and sharks were no exception. Jaws was one of her favorite movies, and consequently one of the movies that I watched as a very young child. As if that movie didn’t scar me enough, every summer my family would make a six hour drive to the coast. My mother would spend the entire six hours reading true stories of shark attacks out loud. As a result, I spent the better half of every summer vacation scouting the ocean for sharks. While my cousins would all take their floats out as far as they could go, I would stay knee deep-eyes out.  I am finally to the point where I’m not afraid to go in the water, but you can bet I would be VERY aware of any dorsal-like fins that may appear in my near vicinity (3 square miles, to be exact.)

The Return to Oz: I haven’t seen this in a very long time (because damnit it was scary) but I do remember it quite clearly. I think. Am I even thinking of the right movie? All of Dorothy’s old friends were stoned (in the turned to rock sense, not doing drugs…)

She meets up with a talking reindeer, a weird robot thingy called Tick-Tock, and a man with an empty pumpkin head. If that is not creepy, then I don’t know what is. I was mostly scared of the lady that changed her heads like they were wigs. Even Dorothy played by that scary girl from the Craft, and she is creepy enough by herself. I don’t have much else to say about this movie, but I know it terrified me.  The trailer is below, just in case you are curious.

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As always, stay classy on this wonderfully beautiful Tuesday.

Not to say that I didn’t watch some bad television as a kid. In recent years, I’ve tried to watch re-runs of Saved By the Bell and Full House, and they definitely don’t carry the same magic that they used to. That got me thinking about which shows that I used to love would still render themselves enjoyable now that I am an adult. I haven’t seen most of these shows in years, so to get a little perspective and refreshment, I even posed the question in the askreddit section of Reddit.com, and got an overwhelming response. In the end, my top ten are primarily shows that I would watch, but since I think I have pretty good taste.. here ya go!

10). Dinosaurs: (1991-1994) This Emmy winning prime-time comedy was an animated sitcom surrounding a family of, well, Dinosaurs. It didn’t come out until after Jim Henson passed away, but he had been waiting until the world was ready for animation that dealt with more adult humor. After the Simpsons proved that it worked, Dinosaurs kept quite a nice following with adults and kids alike. Seeing that the world loves crude, topical animation more now than ever, I think it would definitely still work in the modern times.

9). Mr. Wizard’s World: (1982-1991)In a world where kids are seemingly getting dumber and more like video game playing robots (simple robots)  than people, I think a show like Mr. Wizard’s World should be mandatory. I know that there are some people out there that, when it came to “learning” shows, preferred Bill Nye the Science guy or Beakman’s World- but in my book Don Herbert wins out as best t.v. scientist. I don’t know what it was about this show, but it really made me want to learn things!  The only other thing that has ever made me “want to learn things” is adderall; so I have come to the conclusion that there must be some sort of hypnotic subliminal message hidden in this t.v. show. Therefore, as long as they upped their dosage to effect the masses of ADHD children running around today- it would still be a pretty popular show,  as far as “learning” shows are concerned.

Plus, it had a pretty nerdgasmic opening credits, even by today’s standards.

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8). Clarissa Explains it all: (1991-1994) Maybe it’s because I haven’t actually seen an episode of Clarissa Explains it All in about 10 years, but if it is anything like I remember it -I would definitely still watch it today. You would think that after having every single person I have ever introduced myself to since 1991 reply with “har har, so do you explain it all?” And my having to answer with, ” my name is Carissa- not Clarissa, ya dumbass,” I would cringe at just hearing the show’s title… but surprisingly it doesn’t really bother me. Perhaps that’s because Clarissa was pretty much the coolest girl ever on t.v. I know you probably deny that you even watched it- but come on! You can’t tell me that you didn’t want a room like hers. I remember wanting to put a step ladder (my house was one story) outside my window, just to see if my very own Sam would pop on by. I know that today Clarissa would probably be a little dated, but I bet if they could update it to the times and get Diablo Cody to write the dialogue- it would be a hit!

7). Salute Your Shorts: (1991-1993) I’m sure your beginning to gather that I grew up in the Nickelodeon generation. I feel kinda gay admitting that I pretty much watched nothing but Nickelodeon (with the exception of Mork and Mindy,) but I can’t really be embarrassed about something that helped define me. I digress. Along with having one of the best theme songs in the existence of theme songs, I don’t think there is any question that Salute your Shorts would be a hit today.  It seems children’s television is all laugh track and pretty people these days. I don’t know if there was one pretty person on Salute Your Shorts. Plus, it was a politically incorrect slap-stick comedy set at a camp. Whats not to like about that? Also, did I mention the theme song?

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6). Boy Meets World: (1993-2000) If you have followed along, you may remember an old  journal entry I posted, that mentioned how much I wanted a love like Corey and Topanga’s. To tell you the truth, I still want a love like Corey and Topanga’s. The reason this would work in present day, is because it is exactly like the shows of the present day. Only it was way better. Just thinking about it makes me want to go learn a life lesson from Mr. Pheeney. Only, now that I’m really thinking about it- they need to bring this show back in the present day. I grew up so close with these guys, I don’t know what to do next! There are so many questions that they left unanswered… What did they do after college?  Would Corey and Topanga be so happy now? Or would they be battling to keep their mortgage from defaulting?

5). The Wonder Years: (1988-1993) Read the above post about Boy Meets World, and pretty much all the same reasons apply. The Wonder Years, set in the 60′s, followed Kevin Arnold in his journey through adolescence. Although it was set during the time my parent’s were growing up, I could relate to Kevin and his gang probably more than anyone else on television.  Each episode played out as a chapter of Kevin’s life, and I can still hear that narrator in my head every time I learn a lesson. It was both hilarious and heartbreaking, and as much as today’s youth has changed over the years- I’m sure even they can relate to that.

4).Pee-Wee’s Playhouse: (1985-1991) I think there is a good chance that if Paul Reubens hadn’t gone and pulled his wiener out in public, Pee Wee would still be the sensation today that is was back in the late eighties. Or at the very least it would have been canceled and then later given a shot at a come-back. Pee Wee was an over- the -top character who had a group of odd friends (mostly played by Second City alumnae, puppets, and stop animations) who helped him learn very odd life lessons. In Pee Wee’s world, it was not out of the ordinary to take a trip into his nostrils to see what his boogers were up to. More than anything, it was always such a fun time you never realized you were actually learning something. Kids (and adults) from any generation would enjoy spending a little more time in that playhouse where anything can happen. Today’s secret word is… Awesome! AHHHHHHHHHHH

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On a side note, it  turns out Paul Reubens is making plans to revive Pee Wee live on the stage. I will definitely travel to see this, where ever it may be.

3).The Ren and Stimpy show: (1991-1996) “Ren and Stimpy” set the footprints for pretty much every crass cartoon that plays today on Adult Swim. This show followed the ridiculous adventures of Ren the crazy chihuahua and Stimpy the cat. They often touched on important subjects as farting, rotting teeth, selling rubber nipples, and pissing on electric fences. I know this show would work today, because it still does. It was even revived back in 2003, and in the newest revival Ren and Stimpy were even more openly gay for each other than before.  It does need to be noted that original creator was only responsible for the first 2 seasons. The good news is that as of June 2009, you can catch re-runs on MTV 2. Ohhh Joyyyy!

2). Hey Vern, It’s Ernest!: ( 1988) Similar in mood to Pee Wee’s Playhouse, Jim Varney brought us a variety of hilarious characters in this short lived comedy. If you have seen the Ernest movies, you must note that they were really poor in comparison. I remember watching this show over and over from video tapes that my parents recorded, and I may just have to pull them back out this weekend. It really is a shame that Jim Varney passed away because he really was a talent like no other. Sketch comedy has certainly made a comeback in recent years,;and if Frank Caliendo can have a career now, there is no question that Jim Varney could too. I think the main reason why it didn’t work back then was because it was so ahead of it’s time. KnowwhutImean?

1).The Adventures of Pete and Pete: (1993-1996) I always kind of thought that this was kind of like The Wonder Years on heavy hallucinogenics. The Adventures of  Pete and Pete follows two brothers named Pete in their absurd but hilarious tales of adolescence. The characters were all quirky, yet sincere. The story lines were outrageous, yet you could relate. The acting was great and I am surprised the two main Petes are MIA… although you will notice superb guest stars ranging from Janine Garafalo to Michael Stipe. The Adventures of Pete and Pete is one of the most unique and memorable tv shows I have ever seen, and as much as it touched me, it would have to have the same impression on a younger generation. Afterall; they still all have 2 eyes and a heart, don’t they?