First off, I have a confession. I totally cheated on my “no drinking for almost a week” pact with myself. I have no excuse, except for I really suck at life. If it makes up for anything, it was only a few beers, and I still didn’t get any sleep. But i did have a good night.

Moving on…

Every month or so I like to take a looksie at the search terms people have used to find my page. I really hate for people to end up on my site looking for some specific information, only to leave dissatisfied and empty handed. Therefore, I will do my best share with you my knowledge about some of the more popular search terms used to get here.

If you came here by way of one of these terms, you’re welcome!

“hairy arse removal pads”

You’re not being very specific, but I am guessing that you are searching for ways to remove the hair from your “arse,” and not remove the hairy”arse” altogether (although I’m sure I can find someone for this as well.) I am no expert on arse hair, but I do have my experience (as you know) with hair on other parts of the body. If your arse hair is especially thick, I’m thinking you should stick with old fashioned shaving. If it is more sparce, you could try burning the hairs (in an open, well ventilated area) just be careful not to pass gas. You could also try plucking them, but you may need ass-istance, and that may be hard to find.

“carissa blog dallas”

There is a chance you actually found what you were looking for. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

“picture hand with red dot due to liver”

Why? Why would you do that to me?  You freakin bastard. I am already really paranoid about a little red dot on my arm and my liver. So sorry, won’t find any information on this here. I try not to think about it, maybe you should do the same. Or try out web MD. But if it makes you feel any better, my doctor said it’s nothing to worry about. But then again, I don’t trust that guy. He once falsely told me I needed gallbladder removal.

“free pant pee poo movies”

I”m not so sure how you ended up here on this one. I can’t provide you with what you are looking for, especially for free, but you may want to google a little word called “scat.” (thank you gay friends)

“do you know that demented person?”

I’ve been called crazy, eccentric, nutty, unhinged, and cuckoo… but never demented so I know that you came here by mistake. Perhaps you were looking for him,  or him, or  her….

“how to make a pair of saggy boobs for haloween costume” (this was how it was spelled)

This was a popular one. There were also a few variations of this search including “home-made saggy boobs” Making Golden Girl boob sag” and “homemade booby.” I am no expert here, but I do have an idea. I say take a pair of pantie hose and cut them off around the calf. Stuff them with sand bags then sew the open end to your shirt at chest level. It doubt it will work, which is why for MY costume, I simply purchased a pair of saggy boobs on the internet. Good luck!

“a dying bird on the road bit my feet”

How very unfortunate for you! First off, you can’t be surprised that a dying bird bit your foot if you were stupid enough to stand in biting distance. You must have been nearly on top of that bird. It’s not like that bird has arms to reach out and pull your foot to it’s mouth. And what did you expect? The poor thing was dying and needed to take it’s anger out on someone!

And yes, you probably have rabies.

“diarrhea every time i urinate”

First off, congrats on your superb ability to spell diarrhea, I never get that right! Second, so sorry to hear about your problem. I wish I could say I haven’t been there. I bet it burns. I’m no doctor, but I would say to decrease the burning sensation, try sitting on a cool washrag or an ice cube. Otherwise, quit drinking so much beer, try to eat some more veggies, and maybe try to squeeze to hold it in.

“effects of swallowing a spoonful of cinnamon”

It’s a good thing you asked before you tried. While this may seem like a fun party trick, I can tell you first hand- there is nothing fun or funny about it. When you first swallow a heaping spoon full, you think you’re going to be able to handle it. After the first little bit goes down, you start to wheeze a little, and small particles of cinnamon start to float around in your trachea. Then you will undoubtedly try to take a sip of water because you are nearly choking to death, which only solidifies the cinnamon into a mush in your throat. At this point, your best bet is to start trying to push it out the way it came in.

“carissa mustache facebook”

There is only one picture that I can think of that you may be referring to:

Unless of course you zoom in, then any of my pictures may apply.

“holy shit its james franco fuck me sideways”

I’m not sure why this brought you here, but I agree full heartily. In fact, I’ll expand on sideways, and go ahead and include any missionary, doggie, fuck! I’ll take any position in the book. I wish I could share him with you… but I can’t let you leave here empty handed, so…

Image by danzden via Flickr

“my pee hole dropped to my vagina”

If this did in fact happen, then bravo to you my friend. Ohhhh… I wouldn’t be too proud or go around telling potential boyfriends or anything (because you are a freak.) But dude! Go turn yourself in for medical research! You could probably make loads of money. And when you do, don’t forget who told you this golden advice.

“pooping”

This is a very broad subject. I think I’m just going to have to refer you to my friend, Dr John Dorian for this one.

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I picture myself giving my Academy Award acceptance speech, and  receiving kisses of congratulations from John Cusack and James Franco. I see myself as a guest on This American life, and afterward Ira Glass takes me out for a picnic dinner where his melodic voice puts me in a trance by telling me his own life story.  Whenever I drive, I imagine that my life is a movie- and whatever song is on in the background determines the reason that I am driving, in this particular scene of the movie. In fact, right now I’m imagining  myself eating a big bowl of pasta instead of this freezer-burned lean pocket that I have doused with Tabasco sauce in order to make it semi-edible. I basically pride myself on being able to daydream myself out of any situation.

At night, it is a whole other story.

I rarely “night dream,” probably because when I go to sleep- I have usually passed out from ambien, benadryl or wine…

But when I do dream at night, my brain seems to lose all sense of humor, creativity, and variety. It probably means something ominous, but I never have happy dreams. I have never dreamt that I was flying, or that I’ve won the lottery. Nope. My brain seems to only have 4 dreams on the dreamreel that it enjoys torturing me with- time and time again.

The first and least scary, is the very common “teeth falling out” scenario. Sometimes this dream plays out like that episode of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,” where Charlie loses one tooth, then  keeps pulling them out just to see if he can. Other times I will be eating something in the dream, and I notice a gritty feeling in my mouth. I spit and realize that my teeth are slowly crumbling into bits that feel like sand. I’ve heard that these dreams can mean that I’m feeling guilty about something or that I am not in control of a situation in my life… and suppose either of these interpretations could ring true.

I also tend to dream about life in a  post-apocalyptic world. I used to have tornado dreams all the time, where the wind would lift my body as my fingernails dug into the earth in an attempt not to end up in Munchkin land. In more recent years, the disaster has progressed from mere windstorm- to total destruction of the entire earth. Usually in this dream I find myself in a building with a few random people that I have known in my life. We are drifters and are the only people left on  earth. Sometimes we venture out in groups through the fire and smoke filled streets to try to find a rat to munch on. Buildings are falling everywhere and sometimes I think I see a glimpse of one of my parents or a friend. I usually wake up around this point in a panic…

Another dream I have more and more often lately- is the one where I am back in high school or college, and I have no idea when the last time I went to class was, or where any of my classes are. I have been out of school for five years and I still convince myself in my sleep that I have missed 3 exams and there is no possibility of my getting to graduate. I also wake up from these dreams in a panic; but it is the best feeling in the world to realize that instead of missing a semester of school and not knowing where I’m going- I have to go to work, and have absolutely no idea what I’m doing with my life.

The fourth recurring dream is by far the worst. I’m kind of embarrassed to tell you about it, even though it has never really happened in real life. Here goes. I have these awful nightmares where I am at work or some other public place and I have to go to the bathroom really really bad. To be clear- when I say “go” to the bathroom, I do mean go go to the bathroom. In these dreams, the urgent feeling suddenly comes to me and I am filled with great fear.  I can hear my co-workers calling my name as I rush by, knowing that something is terribly wrong. Just as I open the bathroom door, I know it is too late. I’ll leave the rest to your imagination, but the scenario always ends the same. Someone comes to check on me, and I have to tell them the truth. Even in my dreams I know that there is no escaping walking into an office smelling and looking as if I just took a swim in a sewer without anyone noticing. I always wake up from these dreams  amazed that I don’t  have to go go in real life.

I’ve tried looking up what the significance of this dream in numerous online dream dictionaries to no avail. I suppose it could just be a warning to me about whatever shitstorm is coming my way. Let me know if you are a dream intrepeter and can solve this little mystery.