If you know me at all, you know that I’m quite the songstress.

I’m not implying that I have any sort of musical talent whatsover, In fact- I’m a downright horrible singer. But I don’t tend to let that stop me. And why would I? For what I lack in talent I make up for in passion.

As I said yesterday, the last few months have been getting progressively better for me. It’s a hard thing to measure, my level of happiness. Some days are better than others, and I will always be the type of person that gets down every now and then… It’s good for your soul. Overall though, I can tell that I’m a happier person because I’ve been singing more and more lately… Especially the last few days.  And I’m no expert on life, but based on my experience- unless you’re a lunatic, Thom Yorke, or stuck in prison, you usually don’t just go around singing out of sadness.

OK I take that back. I just spent the last 10 minutes thinking of all the people who have made a living singing out of sadness: Morrisey, George Jones, Sam Beam, Ben Gibbard…. but for the point of this post, I MYSELF, don’t usually walk around singing when my heart is full of melancholy… unless it’s for the purpose of making myself more miserable… which I often love to do. It’s therapeutic!

I’ve noticed lately that people don’t always take kindly to my public outbursts of singing, which is disheartening. Sure, it may be a little weird to hear someone bust out in random song and dance in the middle of Bath and Body Works, but there’s no need for rude looks. People need to lighten up a bit. Even children seem to have lost the will to sing.

This weekend, while my sister and I were Christmas shopping- I subconsciously started singing the soundtrack to Doctor Horrible’s Sing Along Blog, which I’m currently in the midst of choreographing .  Just at the moment I realized I was singing out loud, I noticed a young girl- probably around the age of 10- glaring at me. With the rudest face I had ever seen. I laughed, expecting her to laugh back, but she continued glaring. I’m not sure why, but that moment was the most fury I’ve felt in a while.

Life should be more fun. I always feel better when I let loose, and I hate to think that there are children who think people singing is dumb. That little bitch.

A little harsh? Perhaps. But regardless, she ruined my mood.. and I can’t stand when someone puts a damper on chipperness.

A few minutes later I decided to sing again just to annoy her. And you know what? I was happy again.

I’ve been trying to figure out what has caused this sudden rise of “music in my heart.” Perhaps it’s because I recently quit taking Zoloft… which was extremely helpful for a while-but it recently dawned on me that I was tired of not feeling anything. Maybe it’s the holiday season. It could be that I’ve found myself surrounded by awesomeness in the form of mortal human beings… which for a while there- I did my best to remove myself from. Or maybe it’s just because I finally got my ipod back.

I know this is probably the dumbest post I’ve ever written, but I have an extremely cheesy point I would like to make here.

That over cliche saying asking you to “sing like noone can hear you?” It has a point. It feels good. Don’t let yourself get to the point where every little thing annoys you, like I did. Blast that music and sing along. Step outside on your front porch and sing “Oh Holy Night” at the top of your lungs. Sing along to the Muzak version of Celine Dion in the grocery store.

And if someone gives you a mean look? Just sing louder.

Unless you’re incredibly wasted and the person glaring at you is a cop. Then you should probably shut the fuck up.

It’s here, in full force.

And no I’m not talking about football season. In fact, while all of  you other humans out there are getting pumped up about football season, I’m going to spend all of my time preparing for Movie Award Season, which begins later this fall.

As much as I love Movie Award Season, it is still only my second favorite season in the world.

I’m usually afraid to tell people what my favorite season is. When asked I usually say something boring like “Hatch Green Chili” season (which just happened) or “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” on tv season… and while both of these are near and dear to my heart, neither of them hold the number one spot.

Nope. The winner clearly goes to Hurricane Season. It usually goes to Tornado season, but since this year we got abso-lutely nothing… I’m really on the storms o’ tropical for my adrenalin fix.

Does that make me a horrible, evil witchy woman?

I mean… I would never wish tragedy or death upon anyone, but it’s exciting from afar.

It’s not really fair, I know. Here I am, 5 hours away from any of the real damage… but we still get some good storms out of it. This week was the perfect example. I basically had to swim to work. I ran to my car and back and looked like I had just been old school river-babtised. It didn’t stop storming until last night, and by late afternoon I started trying to channel Helen Hunt.

And I loved every second of it.

Like I said before, I hate to hear about people getting hurt, but it is so much fun to watch these storms do some damage. I was glued to the TV yesterday watching a tornado touch down in downtown Dallas. I want to be there, taping that in person. I swear, one day I will. I’m scared to death of sky diving, and I doubt I would ever get on the back of a motorcycle, but I would pay $5,000 to go on a storm chasing tour.

I always get so jealous of my friends who live in Houston. A couple of years when Ike struck the coast, they were all holed up in one house, with nothing but an ice chest full of beer and a few guns… in case there was looting going on. They would call us every few hours as to give us-up-to date reports on the wind and how they shot at street signs. Sounds dangerous, right? But I wannnnaaaa. I get all giddy about the possibility of a tornaduh… I can’t imagine what I would feel if I was in a real life hurricane!

Also? There is always some quality comedy footage that comes out of their footage.

Por Ejemplo:

[There is a video that cannot be displayed in this feed. Visit the blog entry to see the video.]

 I blame my love/hate relationship with violent storms on my cousin, andigayle.

I may have mentioned this before, but when we were young, we learned that a tornado sounds just like an approaching train. Well just so happens, you could hear a train from my back yard every afternoon. Everytime we had a little bit of a breeze going on, she would yell tornado… then run inside and lock the door… leaving me crying and beating on the door as she exclaimed from the other side that she “can’t get it open!”

But to this day, I love her for that. Like a lot of the things I love most (ketchup, scary movies), my love of storms came from her torture.

I know… I’m so white I don’t even need a night light… (I don’t even know what that means)

I’m so white, I make Queen look like Queen Latifa…

I’m so white, I make Casper shit his pants…

Ok I’ll quit.

So here I am quickly approaching day two of my Stay-cation. Did I mention that I’m off this week? Cause, yeah- I most definitely am. Friday was my last day of work at my old job, and next Monday I start a new postition that is much, much closer to home.That being said, for the majority of this week my web-presence is most likely going to be non-existant. I’ll try my best to read as many blogs from my phone, but I probably won’t be able to comment much. I’ve got quite a few things to take care of, plus- I’m spending the majority of my time watching movies and writing up some reviews over at Red Carpet Crash. So check it people!

Lets dive right into these stickies, shall we? For more awesome sticky note greatness, make sure you check out Supah Mommy’s page!

While I’m so super pumped about my week off, one of these days I would truly like a week off, where I have absolutely no obligatgions. More than that, I cannot express to you just how great this Rocky Mountain jalapeno popcorn is. I wish I was famous and could get some sort of endorsement or like 8 years of free popcorn or something, but I’m not. But still.. it’s the shitsizzle.

A few weeks ago, my roommate LA discovered this stuff, and I can’t decide if it is my heaven or my hell. Either way, I’ve been eating an average of 300000000 kernels a day, and so far, I think it’s worth it.

Isn’t it weird how you won’t smell something for years, and then all of a sudden you get a whiff of something that brings a whole life-time of memories back to you? Usually this only happens when I get a whiff of cafeteria food, and I’m brought back to the days when we used to have competitions in my elementary school (and then later college) cafeterias, seeing how many foods we could mix together and then eat. The winner got the best item from someone’s lunch at the table. Today though, I found an old perfume oil at the bottom of one of my old purses. I put it on, and immediately was brought back to my life 3 years ago. It wasn’t the most happy time of my life, but I vividally recalled a few moments that I wouldn’t had otherwise. I’m not sure of what my point in sharing this was, other than- be careful what you smell.

I’ve gotten the opportunity of the lifetime the last few days at the Dallas International Film Festival. I’ve seen quite a few films, and none have managed to disapoint, which doesn’t make for the best fare when you’re out to write reviews. My favorite moment so far? Meeting Clint Howard. I know most of you probably think he’s an ugly sonofabitch… but you know, I’ve always had this weird unexplainable fascination with the dude. So meeting him was pretty much euphorical…

OH GAWD I LOVE ME SOME CHEST HAIR!

I can’t eve start to explain to you how excited I am to be a member of BRTWOA (Bike Riders to Work Of America). I just made it up, but really I’m pumped. How awesome not to have to waste precious money on asshole gas.  YAY!

I also can’t tell you how excited I am about my newest purchase. I have many projects on the way, some of which include my roommate LA, and others which have to do with my dare project. Speaking of, you should really submit a dare, even if you have already. I’m planning on getting many of these dare up and going in the near future, and I CAN”T WAIT. All you have to do is dare me, bitch. I dare you.

I know you probably thought my absence from the web had something to do with the ants eating at my brain, and if you did- you were partially right.YAY for you. But seriously, thanks for all your suggestions on how to do away with my pesky little problem, I’m on them all. Tonight, I try cucumbers. We’ll see how that goes. Keep your suggestions coming, because obviously my traps aren’t doing a damn thing…

I really do. All I want to do right now is have 1 million hours to read everyone’s posts. I feel so out of the loop. I heart you and I hope you remember me in my absense. And maybe I’ll get a chance to get around. Yeah, not like that…

Dearest Ketchup,

Is Ketchup OK? Or do you prefer Catsup? For now we’ll stick with Ketchup…

I’m not trying to come across like a creepy fan here, but I feel like it’s time I came clean with you about a few things.

I heart cuddling.

 I have been a huge, HUGE fan of yours for a  very very VERY long time, and I think it’s time you understood the extent of my love for you.

Just so you know, I’ve only written a few fan letters in my life. One was to Jonathon Taylor Thomas, one was to Keith Coogan (yes this Keith Coogan) (and it may have been like last year on Myspace) (Because I LOVE him and ”the dishes are done, man”) and one was to Seth Green. I was really fucked up watching Robot Chicken when I wrote the Seth Green one, so I’m not even sure it should count. I haven’t EVEN written John Cusack a fan note yet. Oh I’ve sent him a few ambien induced tweets, but still. What I’m trying to say is, Ketchup, is that you are one of the elite.

We could pick out yummy recipes together.

I’ll be honest with you, it started out as an innocent crush. Growing up, I would casually put you on fish sticks and chicken nuggets. Even now, when the idea of fish sticks pretty much makes me want to hurl, I would probably eat them if there was enough of you smothered on them. I would probably eat anything with enough of you smothered on it. Maybe not snails or poop though. I have to draw the line somewhere.

I could teach you how to dance...

I know part of the appeal may come from the fact that my grandparents never really approved. On Thanksgiving, my cousins and I would have to hide you under the dinner table because they thought it was innapropriate to eat you at the table. I still have to do the same whenever I go out to eat steak dinners, apparantly its even rude to ask for you. But I do every time.

NOM NOM NOM

I’m pretty poor, Ketchup, but  no matter how poor I get- I cannot go without you. I always buy the big bottle, though I’ll take you whatever way I can get you. I especially love the Whataburger **fancy ketchup. If it ever came down to it, I might be willing to hold up a Whataburger to get a hold of you.

ODE TO KETCHUP

I put you on chicken, I put you on beans.

I put you on eggs, I put you on greens.

 I put you on potatoes-fried, mashed and baked,

I put you on sandwiches and on  yummy crab cakes.

 I put you on carrots, I put you on rice-

I bet if I put you on cookies it would even taste nice.

Whether it’s Heinz 57,  Hunts or store-brand

I’ll always put you first, ahead of any man.

Or on my man? That might be fun too…

But even if I did, I’d only be thinking of you.

I could probably go on here forever, but there are some things I want to save for the bedroom kitchen.  I kid. Although, you have may heard that on a recent trip to Uncle Julio’s I told my tamale that I would have sex with it if it had ketchup on it, but I want to take this slow. That’s how much I like you.

That being said, I really hope you’ll get back to me so we can “catch up.”

hahaha

I’m sure you get that all the time. I really do hope you know I’m being genuine and  I’m not sort of tomatHOE.

Ok I’ll stop.

I love you,

CarissaJaded (your biggest fan)

P.S.

I know this might be a little weird for you, but I also love cheese and tabasco sauce so I was thinking  that maybe one of these days… nevermind.

**If you do not know about Whataburger fancy ketchup please send me your address and I will send you one. I’m serious. In fact I’ll do a giveaway. Yeah…. comment here and one of you will get a fancy ketchup in the mail.

**I’m serious about the ketchup, but there will be an ACTUAL giveaway later this week. It’s supercool and I’m really excited about it so stay tuned.

Me??? Oh I’ve been good. Just you know, keepin busy… I got in a little trouble at work so that’s why I haven’t been able to talk with you as often. I’m still here, I just am gonna have to spread my love out a little more. HAHAHA Enough with the whore jokes, you know I didn’t mean it like that. I meant my blog love, but you knew that.

What else have I been up to? Well you know, the usual. This weekend was the St. Patties Day Festival in Dallas so I got all dressed up in green and and celebrated like a happy leprechaun. I say happy, because I was scarred by the movie Leprechaun as a child, and I have to keep reminding myself that most leprechauns aren’t evil. Most also don’t go around squealing “I’m a little Leprechaun” in a horrible Irish accent, which is something that I started doing in the 8th grade and still tend to do in moments of uncomfortable silence.

The Dares you ask? No I haven’t forgotten. I was going to try to do the Julie’s awesome go “out in public and drink in a fake preggers suit” dare but I was too busy acting like a jolly leprechaun that I forgot.

I’m still looking for a cookie monster suit to scare the children in, so let me know if you where I can get one of those. I’m also all about dancing to Nsync in a crowded parking lot, and I think that may be done at some point this week… But I WILL get eventually get around to all of them. Except, I’m not sure about putting mustard in milk. It’s not that I wouldn’t try it, I’m just a little “milk sensitive” and I prefer not poo-ing my pants. So if it’s cool with yall  I’ll stick with the vanilla soy milk that I love so much.  I am thinking about making a separate little tab so I can keep track of these better. So keep em comin’ fools!

I DARE YOU! And you have the easy part.

Oh why yes. There is something different about me, thanks for noticing. It took you long enough. Well… it’s not so much different it’s just that it’s been 6 months since these legs have seen the sun, that’s all. Oh… well yeah.. I’ve sort of let them go a little bit too. A caveman you say!??? Do they really look that bad!? Well fair enough… I wouldn’t say caveman. Can’t we just say they look like a man’s legs?

I agree that it’s time I do something about the hair on my legs, after all- they will never get tan through all this hair. In fact, I’m even thinking of going out on a limb here and actually springing to get them waxed, which I’ve never done before. Do yall know anything about this? How often do you have to get it done? And what do you do in between waxings, just let it grow? I have a lot to learn about being a woman apparently. LA basically had to give me a birds and the bees speech yesterday, but I won’t go into that on here.

And now for a few Post -It’s. Just. For. You. For more amazing and hilarious post-it’s check out Supah Mommy’s blog!

All righty then, that’s all I have for today. Keep those dares coming! HEART!

Writing out the title of this post just brought me back to those uber-dork days. Just thought I’d share that.

My dad’s family has a really amazing farm out near Crawford, TX. My dad recently started staying out there, and I have to tell ya’ll, despite the fact that there is no heat, there is a lot of poison ivy, and there is always the possibility of being eaten by wild hogs-I’m a little bit jealous.

The place is absolutely beautiful and some of my most favorite memories happened out there. There is a lot of land, your typical barn house,  and a little white house that is surrounded by a picket fence… and a creek called “Hog Creek” runs through the land and as a dam and everything. It’s perfect.

Da house

Hog Creek

My sweet grandparent's in front of my favorite tree in the world.

A Cow.

When I was young, my family would spend the weekends out there and my days would be spent catching trees fish, wading in the creek or a metal tub, or walking the grounds playing pretend or trying to get the horses to eat grass out of my hand. Even now my family goes out there quite often to shoot guns and fish.

If you had any doubt I was a true Texan, I hope I cleared that up.

My family decided long ago, that if there were ever any nuclear wars or zombie attacks, the farm would be our meeting place. Besides being near the likes of George W…. I do think that it is the ideal place for an emergency.

I always thought it would be kinda fun to have to live out there on nothing but wild animals and beer.

I think I could survive. I’m sure it would be a little tough, but I could handle it. I mean… I wouldn’t even have to shower very often, or maybe ever. How awesome would that be? I’ve even already learned some very important rules about living off the land. Like a few years ago, my friend LA decided we would paint our faces with the juice that comes out of the pretty fruits that grow on cacti. Not a good idea. Those little fruits have many invisible, yet painful tiny little stickers that will stay in your skin for weeks.

ANNNND I won’t try that again.

But moreover, I yesterday as I was perusing facebook all day for a few moments in my spare time at work- I remembered the main reason that I could never live out at the farm. You see, I saw my dad’s newest facebook profile picture….

Someone in my family tree

Yes. My father decided to change his profile pic. to be a picture of one of my ancestors. I really feel bad not knowing who he was exactly as I’m sure I’ve been told many a time, but regardless-we are related.

Harmless enough, right?

WRONG.

You see, when I was a kid I have always had a very vivid imagination. When I was a child I was scared of monsters under my bed, monsters in the toilet, monsters in the closet, zombie pets, moving dolls, spiders, aliens, the Jabberwalkie from Alice in Wonderland… and a wall in my farmhouse that has pictures of several of my ancestors hanging on it. This being one of them.

I know, I know. They’re just pictures of people whom I share my blood with, but ya’ll don’t understand the fear that their faces put it in my heart. Whenever I walked around the house , especially at night- I could feel their presence. Their eyes follow you around the room. And they all look so sinister. I guess I was afraid that they would crawl right out of those photos and beat me with a wooden paddle or something.

I got my dad to take pics of the others and send them to me. They aren’t the best quality, but you get the picture. hehehe, no pun intended.

OK so this one is a little handsome....

I bet she would wash my mouth out with soap.

This is my favorite. Clearly we are related.

Ok so they aren’t as scary here on this page. But I’m telling you people, in the house, at night… It’s a whole different story!!!!

I wonder what John Cusack’s ancestors look like. Since I am John Cusack’s girlfriend and all.

And don’t forget to ask me questions (in the comments, email, or tweet me bitches!!!) Anything on any topic… and I will answer! Or make something up. I will start answering them next week. Thanks for those who have already submitted some!

Have a humpalicious day!

I know everyone is all in the Thanksgiving mood and getting ready to get in the Christmas spirit, but since Hobby Lobby has had their Christmas decorations up for four months now, I figure I’d better go ahead and get a head start on New Years.

2 years ago my New Years Resolution was to be less  of a flake (which was mostly a success) and last year I decided to be more committed to appreciating the culture of my city, (at which I miserably failed.) This year I have been wanting to have another go at inner-self improvement, but I had been having a difficult time figuring out what I would like to improve, until recently.

Actually, there have been a few things that have made me realize that there is something about myself that I want to change. I feel like all the signs are pointing to it, and maybe January 1st is the time to do so (or maybe I’ve already started.) Either way, I should really do something about it for the better.

I think I need to be a little less snobby.

Wait, wait! Don’t get the wrong idea… It’s not like I go around judging everyone or anything. And I want to change!!!

I don’t think I’m better than anyone, quite the opposite actually…I’m not the smartest person, I don’t have the nicest things, I’m not the funniest, I’m not the best at anything really, and I’m ok with that!! It’s just that I sometimes feel… like I might have the best taste in all things in the world!

I’m talking everything! I love the best movies, music, T.V. shows, vintage clothing, comedy… Don’t even try to tell me otherwise, because you’re wrong.

My friends have been telling me for years that my taste is not the end all be all of tastes, and that is fine. I don’t love my friends any less because they aren’t obsessed with the Beatles, or because they don’t like to sing Meatloaf at karaoke, or because their favorite movie is Drive Me Crazy (I love you  Amber,) or because they like Grey’s Anatomy.  It honestly doesn’t bother me that my close friends don’t all share my same interests, as long as there are some people out there with which I can have a common bond of my favorite things. And as long as my friends realize that though they may hold different opinions that me, mine are far superior.

I think I’ve already told y’all that this weekend my sister and I went to go to see “Where the Wild Things Are.” We have seen probably a million movies together in our lifetime, and the same thing always happens. Every time I am finding myself grinning with pleasure or laughing my ass off,  I look over at my sister and my heart fills with dismay when I see that she isn’t having the same reaction. After this particular movie I started to grill her, just as I always do.

CJ: “Sooo.. Didnt you LOVE it!? Oh my gosh, I really liked it!!”

Sis: “Yeahh… I mean… it was alright…”

CJ: “Um… ALRIGHT??? You do realize that was a Spike Jonze movie don’t you??? The same guy who directed Adaptation, the best movie of ALL time!! And even if it wasn’t the BEST movie in the world, you had to have enjoyed it…. You enjoyed it didn’t you ??? You didn’t even laugh once!”

Sis: ” Yeah… I told you… it was ok, just not my favorite! And I didn’t think it was funny…”

CJ: “Well!! You obviously have no taste!! You don’t think ANYTHING is funny! I bet you don’t even like Steve Martin!”

And then she let me have it.

She told me that just because I like something doesn’t mean everyone else does, (duh) and that sometimes it comes across rude when I try to push my passions on other people…

CJ: So I guess it’s also rude when I get really mad  when I’m trying to make someone watch a Kids in the Hall sketch and they would rather read a magazine?”

Sis: Rude.

CJ:And also when I make every one in the car be quiet so that they can hear the lyrics to Wilco or Joshua Radin and make them give me their interpretation…?

Sis: Rude.

CJ: And when I make everyone be quiet in the car so they can listen to my impression of Bob Dylan singing every song that comes on the radio?

Sis: That’s just annoying. Especially after the first 2 songs. And you don’t sound like Bob Dylan.

I thought about this for a while, and when writing my post yesterday, I realized that I have always been pushy about the things I enjoy… especially to my closest friends and family members. I have come to the conclusion that I really want to have a more open mind… and I really think you guys (bloggers) are already helping.

I feel like I’m really getting to know some of you, and you’ve really given me the opportunity to open my eyes to things that I normally wouldn’t have given a time of day. Sometimes I’m so surprised when I feel like I know a lot about who you are, and then you reveal something new that I never would have expected, and I love you more for it! And since I do, I accept that maybe my opinion isn’t  superior (maybe.) I’ve realized that if I just shut up and read about other people’s passions, mine aren’t the only ones that matter.

So basically, what I’m trying to say, is that I am so very thankful for each and everyone of you that I have gotten to know the last few months. Even the people that I haven’t corresponded with, you’ve helped me expand my horizons a ton! I feel like I have learned so much and I can’t wait to gain an even more open mind with each day!! (Can I have some wine with my cheese?) But seriously.

Now I just have to apply my new found open mind to real life…

And while we are on the subject,  Kim over at Perfectly Cursed Life has begun a tradition that I absolutely love, the annual “Thank You for Blogging” award, designed to honor bloggers that you are thankful for.  I recently handed out awards, and her rules are you have to hand it out to at least 4 other bloggers, so I’m going to keep this right at that… though I would hand this out to a zillion people if I could stay awake.

First off, if you haven’t checked out Kim’s blog, do it now. She definitely has a way with words, and has a way with being funny, while also making ya think! What I’m trying to say, is she hits you in all the right places.

I’ve only recently come across Beckeye over at The Pop Eye, but if you have an interest in anything pop culture… she is a must! Before I started a blog, I spent all of my internet time on film and music sites, and I’m so happy to have found a mix of everything I love on one little site!

I’ve said it before, but Meg at Lost in Thought is easily one of my favorite bloggers ever. I feel like whenever I read her posts, I am taken away in a whimsical land… and just when she gets me going all sentimental, I laugh my ass off. Loves this girl!!

I’d also like to pass this on to Dani over at She Laughs too Easily and Cries too Loud. Always hilarious, always poignant…. and I just don’t have enough good words to say about this lady! Check her out!

OK one more, Tricia at One Step To Recovery. You already know that I love you to pieces, but for everyone else, check out this girl’s blog!! I go crazy when she doesn’t update!  She is hilarious and says it like it is… Trust me, you will love her!!

I’m not sure I’ll be around tomorrow, (could surprise ya!) But I figured I’d leave you with this!

Happy Thanksgiving!

This is the only old pic of me with a headdress on where I don't look stupid. Bahahaha!

First off, I have a confession. I totally cheated on my “no drinking for almost a week” pact with myself. I have no excuse, except for I really suck at life. If it makes up for anything, it was only a few beers, and I still didn’t get any sleep. But i did have a good night.

Moving on…

Every month or so I like to take a looksie at the search terms people have used to find my page. I really hate for people to end up on my site looking for some specific information, only to leave dissatisfied and empty handed. Therefore, I will do my best share with you my knowledge about some of the more popular search terms used to get here.

If you came here by way of one of these terms, you’re welcome!

“hairy arse removal pads”

You’re not being very specific, but I am guessing that you are searching for ways to remove the hair from your “arse,” and not remove the hairy”arse” altogether (although I’m sure I can find someone for this as well.) I am no expert on arse hair, but I do have my experience (as you know) with hair on other parts of the body. If your arse hair is especially thick, I’m thinking you should stick with old fashioned shaving. If it is more sparce, you could try burning the hairs (in an open, well ventilated area) just be careful not to pass gas. You could also try plucking them, but you may need ass-istance, and that may be hard to find.

“carissa blog dallas”

There is a chance you actually found what you were looking for. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

“picture hand with red dot due to liver”

Why? Why would you do that to me?  You freakin bastard. I am already really paranoid about a little red dot on my arm and my liver. So sorry, won’t find any information on this here. I try not to think about it, maybe you should do the same. Or try out web MD. But if it makes you feel any better, my doctor said it’s nothing to worry about. But then again, I don’t trust that guy. He once falsely told me I needed gallbladder removal.

“free pant pee poo movies”

I”m not so sure how you ended up here on this one. I can’t provide you with what you are looking for, especially for free, but you may want to google a little word called “scat.” (thank you gay friends)

“do you know that demented person?”

I’ve been called crazy, eccentric, nutty, unhinged, and cuckoo… but never demented so I know that you came here by mistake. Perhaps you were looking for him,  or him, or  her….

“how to make a pair of saggy boobs for haloween costume” (this was how it was spelled)

This was a popular one. There were also a few variations of this search including “home-made saggy boobs” Making Golden Girl boob sag” and “homemade booby.” I am no expert here, but I do have an idea. I say take a pair of pantie hose and cut them off around the calf. Stuff them with sand bags then sew the open end to your shirt at chest level. It doubt it will work, which is why for MY costume, I simply purchased a pair of saggy boobs on the internet. Good luck!

“a dying bird on the road bit my feet”

How very unfortunate for you! First off, you can’t be surprised that a dying bird bit your foot if you were stupid enough to stand in biting distance. You must have been nearly on top of that bird. It’s not like that bird has arms to reach out and pull your foot to it’s mouth. And what did you expect? The poor thing was dying and needed to take it’s anger out on someone!

And yes, you probably have rabies.

“diarrhea every time i urinate”

First off, congrats on your superb ability to spell diarrhea, I never get that right! Second, so sorry to hear about your problem. I wish I could say I haven’t been there. I bet it burns. I’m no doctor, but I would say to decrease the burning sensation, try sitting on a cool washrag or an ice cube. Otherwise, quit drinking so much beer, try to eat some more veggies, and maybe try to squeeze to hold it in.

“effects of swallowing a spoonful of cinnamon”

It’s a good thing you asked before you tried. While this may seem like a fun party trick, I can tell you first hand- there is nothing fun or funny about it. When you first swallow a heaping spoon full, you think you’re going to be able to handle it. After the first little bit goes down, you start to wheeze a little, and small particles of cinnamon start to float around in your trachea. Then you will undoubtedly try to take a sip of water because you are nearly choking to death, which only solidifies the cinnamon into a mush in your throat. At this point, your best bet is to start trying to push it out the way it came in.

“carissa mustache facebook”

There is only one picture that I can think of that you may be referring to:

Unless of course you zoom in, then any of my pictures may apply.

“holy shit its james franco fuck me sideways”

I’m not sure why this brought you here, but I agree full heartily. In fact, I’ll expand on sideways, and go ahead and include any missionary, doggie, fuck! I’ll take any position in the book. I wish I could share him with you… but I can’t let you leave here empty handed, so…

Image by danzden via Flickr

“my pee hole dropped to my vagina”

If this did in fact happen, then bravo to you my friend. Ohhhh… I wouldn’t be too proud or go around telling potential boyfriends or anything (because you are a freak.) But dude! Go turn yourself in for medical research! You could probably make loads of money. And when you do, don’t forget who told you this golden advice.

“pooping”

This is a very broad subject. I think I’m just going to have to refer you to my friend, Dr John Dorian for this one.

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*Please imagine these “cheers” as being of the beer or shot variety. You know, the kind where you raise your glass, then tap it on the table before you take a sip. The other night my friends and I made the mistake of doing the “table tap” with a glass of champagne, and it just didn’t feel right.

Cheers to fall. And more specifically October. Tis one of the two months of the year where the weather is nearly perfect round these here parts. I love everything about fall. I love watching the trees change, I love not sweating my ass off when sitting on the porch, and I even like “watching” a football game every once in a while. Also, my hair seems to do particularly well in this fine weather.

Cheers to Halloween. Halloween, though it technically could fall under the larger umbrella of fall, is so awesome that it deserves its own cheers. In fact, some people really get into  decorating their houses for Christmas, but I would really like to push the less popular trend of decorating houses for Halloween. How great would it be to drive around looking at scary decorations? I’m thinking if you really put your heads together with your neighbors, every neighborhood could be like a giant Haunted house.  I also really love carving pumpkins. Scrap that. I like to watch as other, craftier people carve the pumpkins, but I like to be the one who pulls out all of the gunk.

Cheers to socks. I am the queen of flip flops, but there is nothing like the feeling of putting on a pair of fuzzy socks, a pair of sweats, and curling up under a cozy blanket. It’s finally the time of year where I don’t break out into upper lip sweat from just looking at socks.

Cheers to the Backstreet Boys. I’m not really a fan, but I have to give these boys some props for their comeback effort. I haven’t listened to pop music in years, but there is a little bitty section in the left corner of my heart that still has some boy band love. I really really had a thing for NSYNC, but I guess The Backstreet Boys is the next best thing. Plus, there is something about old guys singing and dancing like they are still in their late teens/early twenties that just makes me smile.

Cheers to New Kids On the Block. Because I can.

Cheers to getting to dress like a zombie. Ok, I realize I am getting a little specific here, but I  feel it’s my duty to  give these things the justice they deserve. Respect, people. I know most girls (and some boys I know) like to dress a little slutty for Halloween. I understand the logic behind it. It is after all, the only day of the year where you can go out scantily dressed without people actually thinking you are a hoe. I think it might be my upbringing, (I was started on horror movies at a very young age) but Halloween just isn’t as fun unless I dress scary.

Last year I was Regan Macneil from The Exorcist

I thought I had more pics on-line of Halloween costumes past, but I guess I deleted them. All you have to know is that I was pretty much dead or possessed for the last few years. This year my friends and I are dressing up as Ghouls Gone Wild. I asked my roommate J. how I should make scary saggy boobs for the costume, and he told me I should just go without a bra. Thanks friend.

Cheers to yummy beer. Can I raise a glass of what I’m drinking, to what I’m drinking? Sure I can. YAYYYYYYY beer! There is something about the weather change that really makes a beer more appealing.

The best beer in Texas... or at least the cheapest.

Cheers to good music on long walks outside. I know I’ve may have taken this “fall” thing a little far, but it really has been amazing. I get so sick of working out at the gym with all those chode heads, so it has been a really nice change to take advantage of the 9 mile trail by my house. Never mind that I will probably never be able to go all 9 miles without dying. Still, there is something to be said for walking outdoors, watching families play football and seeing all the cute puppy dogs. Yesterday I saw a guy on a bike whose bra was clearly visible through his white t-shirt. Yes, I saw a guy wearing a bro. That was possibly the best thing I’ve seen all month, but I don’t really see the problem with it. If ya got em’, support em’! I have to also raise my hand to good music on this one. There are certain songs that I literally have to stop myself from skipping along to. One of my favorites to work out to lately is Umphrey’s Mcgee.

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Cheers to old friends. I absolutely love my friends. Last weekend, my friend LA cleaned out her closet and gave me 7 pairs of Banana Republic pants that she has grown out of, and a pair of Sevens jeans. I literally didn’t have any pants to wear this winter, and she has saved my life. The company she works for, Philip Stein, is also announcing their sleep bracelet today which I am really excited about. You’ll have to google it yourself for the details, but from what I hear- it is a bracelet that has been compared to ambien in its ability to help you get some zzzzz. Doesn’t seem possible, but we shall see.  It was so nice to catch up last weekend with people who I haven’t seen in a while.

My friend Moops has recently been reading this a little more often, and I think he deserves a shout out. Don’t tase me for this, bro.

Ohhhhh... the moment you realize the shirt you tried to steal has Carebears on it.

Cheers to new friends. I’m talking to you, fellow bloggers and people of the internet. I am really beginning to love this part of my life. You have made me laugh so many times in the last few weeks, and I am really enjoying this new journey!

We need to have some words.

Before you think that this is all going to be bad, I did have a lot of fun. I especially enjoyed petting the llamas and watching those baby piglets drink from the mama pig. Who knew pig-nipples could be so big?

i heart llamas

Additionally, I really actually enjoyed the diving pirates show. So much that I think I may learn how to dive so that I can join them. Oh sure, it was a little cheezy and I’m a little out of their goal age demographic… but I have a love affair with pirate jokes and this made me very happy.

RRRRRR you serious?

But I do have a few bones to pick with you…  First, I left feeling a little like you ass-raped me a little bit, or at least took advantage of the fact that this was my first time.

I knew you weren’t cheap… but 10 tickets for a tiny beer? Over twenty dollars to ride the Ferris Wheel? And with so many yummy treats with each turn of my head, how do you expect me to resist eating a turkey leg, roasted corn, popcorn, and a tornado tator? You can expect me to forward you a few health bills, as I am positive my stomach will never be the same.

And also, you really should have a warning on a few of your rides that says “Not meant for persons over the age of 26,” because I feel a little bit like my head is going to fall off of my neck I meant it when I yelled “I’m never going to ride a ride again,” and also when I said “I’m too old, too old for this you mother fucker- stop the ride.” And guess what? Nobody stopped the freaking ride.

Alas, even though I am still a little mad at you- I was thankful for all the good people watching that you provided. . I think I saw several people who  (judging on appearances) spend their entire years salary on the fair.

Until next year,

Going to the gym 4 hours a day for the next 3 weeks.

_________________________________________________________________________

Guy who sold me the John Lennon Necklace at the fair,

I don’t care what my friends say- there is something very attractive about your long bushy beard. My friends all said that they think it would be smelly, but i tend to disagree. I  could also smell that patchouli oil even from the other side of the counter, and I love it!
I have spent my morning researching different images that I want to order on necklaces from you. If only I can find your business card.

My necklace was definitely one of the better parts of the day, as was your beard.

My new favorite necklace.

I wonder if I could squeeze in a trip to Denver. Maybe I’ll see you at your next show!

Sincerely,

Not a stalker

_________________________________________________________________________

To all other patrons of the state fair,

If you went into the indoor arts section and happened to purchase a flattened glass necklace from a man with a very long beard, would you kindly check and see if you picked up a business card? And then just forward me that email address.

Thanks so much,

Not desperate

_________________________________________________________________________

Dear zombie shirt boy,

I really did enjoy talking to you the other night but I know I acted a little weird the following day. I feel I should explain. I don’t really remember the last part of our conversation and I erased my drunk text messages because I don’t like to feel shame…  but in the event that you got a message from me that said “I am already in love you” 3 hours after meeting me- please either assume that

A. Some stranger broke into my house wearing a banana suit, ate a block of cheese, held me up with a hack saw and then stole my phone and must have texted you himself.

or

B. I was just joking! I’m funny like that!

I’m also sorry if I made my friends called you… I’m sure that was a little awkward.

I’m not usually crazy and I’ll leave it at that because in my experience the people who have to say over and over again that they are not crazy, are usually the craziest.. and I am definitely not crazy.

I understand if you never want to talk to me again but it was very nice meeting you and I think your super cool.

I love you,

I like your facebook picture,

Sleepless in Dallas,

I‘m available every night this week,

Can we at least be friends?,

Not a desperate crazy stalker

___________________________________________________________________________

My dearest kidneys,

I’m sorry. Very sorry.

Love,

NEVER DRINKING AGAIN

___________________________________________________________________________

To several of my Facebook friends who I saw at homecoming,

Sure I know it has been a while, and I probably look a little different than you remember me… But I remember having several conversations with you back in college. I even knew some of you well enough that I considered you a real life friend.

Regardless, I was super offended at how many of you I waved at, with no response. I mean, even if you don’t recognize me- DO YOU NOT WAVE BACK AT STRANGERS? How rude can you be!? I try to smile at all the strangers that pass by, and even more at the ones who are at my college homecoming because there is a chance I know them.

Let me refresh your memory. I’m in the one in the middle. You saw me this weekend. You looked me in the eye, you asshole.

Maybe I don’t have much of a life, but even though we haven’t seen each other for a while, I try to keep up with your life. I look at your pictures from Vegas and your new baby just took his first steps, congrats!! I know every time you have been drinking because facebook friend, you tell me and I listen.

Well I, for one, am not going to stand for this abuse. If you don’t even look at my pictures enough to recognize me- then why are we “friends?”

So just a heads up, don’t be surprised if you get deleted from my friend list. Not that you’ll even notice, but still.

Your not aging as gracefully as I would have thought,

Needs everyone to love me.