First off, I have a confession. I totally cheated on my “no drinking for almost a week” pact with myself. I have no excuse, except for I really suck at life. If it makes up for anything, it was only a few beers, and I still didn’t get any sleep. But i did have a good night.

Moving on…

Every month or so I like to take a looksie at the search terms people have used to find my page. I really hate for people to end up on my site looking for some specific information, only to leave dissatisfied and empty handed. Therefore, I will do my best share with you my knowledge about some of the more popular search terms used to get here.

If you came here by way of one of these terms, you’re welcome!

“hairy arse removal pads”

You’re not being very specific, but I am guessing that you are searching for ways to remove the hair from your “arse,” and not remove the hairy”arse” altogether (although I’m sure I can find someone for this as well.) I am no expert on arse hair, but I do have my experience (as you know) with hair on other parts of the body. If your arse hair is especially thick, I’m thinking you should stick with old fashioned shaving. If it is more sparce, you could try burning the hairs (in an open, well ventilated area) just be careful not to pass gas. You could also try plucking them, but you may need ass-istance, and that may be hard to find.

“carissa blog dallas”

There is a chance you actually found what you were looking for. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

“picture hand with red dot due to liver”

Why? Why would you do that to me?  You freakin bastard. I am already really paranoid about a little red dot on my arm and my liver. So sorry, won’t find any information on this here. I try not to think about it, maybe you should do the same. Or try out web MD. But if it makes you feel any better, my doctor said it’s nothing to worry about. But then again, I don’t trust that guy. He once falsely told me I needed gallbladder removal.

“free pant pee poo movies”

I”m not so sure how you ended up here on this one. I can’t provide you with what you are looking for, especially for free, but you may want to google a little word called “scat.” (thank you gay friends)

“do you know that demented person?”

I’ve been called crazy, eccentric, nutty, unhinged, and cuckoo… but never demented so I know that you came here by mistake. Perhaps you were looking for him,  or him, or  her….

“how to make a pair of saggy boobs for haloween costume” (this was how it was spelled)

This was a popular one. There were also a few variations of this search including “home-made saggy boobs” Making Golden Girl boob sag” and “homemade booby.” I am no expert here, but I do have an idea. I say take a pair of pantie hose and cut them off around the calf. Stuff them with sand bags then sew the open end to your shirt at chest level. It doubt it will work, which is why for MY costume, I simply purchased a pair of saggy boobs on the internet. Good luck!

“a dying bird on the road bit my feet”

How very unfortunate for you! First off, you can’t be surprised that a dying bird bit your foot if you were stupid enough to stand in biting distance. You must have been nearly on top of that bird. It’s not like that bird has arms to reach out and pull your foot to it’s mouth. And what did you expect? The poor thing was dying and needed to take it’s anger out on someone!

And yes, you probably have rabies.

“diarrhea every time i urinate”

First off, congrats on your superb ability to spell diarrhea, I never get that right! Second, so sorry to hear about your problem. I wish I could say I haven’t been there. I bet it burns. I’m no doctor, but I would say to decrease the burning sensation, try sitting on a cool washrag or an ice cube. Otherwise, quit drinking so much beer, try to eat some more veggies, and maybe try to squeeze to hold it in.

“effects of swallowing a spoonful of cinnamon”

It’s a good thing you asked before you tried. While this may seem like a fun party trick, I can tell you first hand- there is nothing fun or funny about it. When you first swallow a heaping spoon full, you think you’re going to be able to handle it. After the first little bit goes down, you start to wheeze a little, and small particles of cinnamon start to float around in your trachea. Then you will undoubtedly try to take a sip of water because you are nearly choking to death, which only solidifies the cinnamon into a mush in your throat. At this point, your best bet is to start trying to push it out the way it came in.

“carissa mustache facebook”

There is only one picture that I can think of that you may be referring to:

Unless of course you zoom in, then any of my pictures may apply.

“holy shit its james franco fuck me sideways”

I’m not sure why this brought you here, but I agree full heartily. In fact, I’ll expand on sideways, and go ahead and include any missionary, doggie, fuck! I’ll take any position in the book. I wish I could share him with you… but I can’t let you leave here empty handed, so…

Image by danzden via Flickr

“my pee hole dropped to my vagina”

If this did in fact happen, then bravo to you my friend. Ohhhh… I wouldn’t be too proud or go around telling potential boyfriends or anything (because you are a freak.) But dude! Go turn yourself in for medical research! You could probably make loads of money. And when you do, don’t forget who told you this golden advice.

“pooping”

This is a very broad subject. I think I’m just going to have to refer you to my friend, Dr John Dorian for this one.

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This being said, I would probably sell my DVD collection my kidney, if I knew it would get me a sure fire way to remove my unwanted facial hair. I seriously wouldn’t be surprised if I found out my real father is Eugene Levy, it’s that bad. And that’s just the upper part of my face. If I were to avoid my daily maintenance, I could beat out Daniel Day Lewis in a mustache growing competition.

I won’t even go into the details of the lowest region of my face. Lets just say there are days when I could walk into a circus sideshow, and get offered money to stay there forever.

It’s really not as bad as it sounds. When you’ve been plucking your eyebrows and been a Nair burn victim since the age of ten, the act of dealing with your hair becomes almost as routine as a daily shower. Some of my most vivid childhood memories include my mom holding me down and plucking my eyebrows, the mixture of her morning breath and the pain causing me to shout out expletives. I know now that she was just trying to save me from becoming the leper of my school. You learn to keep a pair of tweezers in your purse as well as one in your glove box. You make weekly trips to CVS for women facial shavers, for emergency use only. When ever asked about said razors, you don’t even have to think about lying before you automatically tell people that they are  specifically made for your feet. Then you realize having toe hair is no better than having a misstache.  Your body has grown an innate radar, that drives you straight to the closest nail salon for a quick wax when your wallet says its ok. And like clockwork, the first thing you do when you get in your car to go out in public, is pull down your mirror and turn your face to every angle in the sunlight to ensure there are no sun hairs.

As you can imagine, I have spent money on countless products, marketed at women just like me. They all spout their empty promises that I’ll never again be called Sasquatch or asked if I have a hormonal problem.

I recently made yet another purchase that caused extreme buyer’s remorse. And as a hairy woman, I feel that it is my duty to warn all the hairy ladies (and gay men) of the world of yet another product that fed me lies. I’m sure by now you’ve seen the commercials for Smooth Away.

I really should known the first time I saw a smooth away infomercial that those women were stirring up a huge crock of shit. First off ,I know by now that anything that has ever been remotely affective is NEVER painless and easy. Plus $20 is way too little to pay for something that needs to be as affective as a weed whacker. Nevertheless, I did not hesitate to put down the twenty dollar face wash I was holding in the CVS aisle, in lieu of my very own set of TWO Smooth Away hair removal pads.

On my way home I was giddy imagining my new hairless face. I grew excited thinking that in the very near future I could look in the mirror without recalling Bert and Ernie. I might go visit my Asian nail friends down the street just so that, for once; I wouldn’t have them above me cry out “ohhhh you’re hewwwey” before giggling and going back into her native language to tell her friend that they need to put a “no pets aloud” sign on the door.

As I poised in front of my mirror,I thought “This is gonna be like the difference between the George Clooney in “Oh Brother Where Art Thou,” and the George Clooney in “One Fine Day.”

After prying the plastic open with my teeth I started reading the directions. It all sounded easy enough. I got a little nervous that it said for “best results the hair should be no more than 1/4 inch long.” Oh well, so it won’t work on my legs. My face is my main concern anyway. After two attempts I was finally able to stick the applicator pad on the applicator without wrinkles. This had to be perfect. But I couldn’t help thinking that the pad looked awfully similar to the sand paper I use for my decoupage “art.”

Sandpaper

also sandpaper?

Well now let’s skip ahead after thirty minutes of rubbing circles on my face. I quickly found that whomever had created the product, filmed the commercials, and written the instructions,  had either never actually used the product, or are all currently running around with fire in their britches, and I don’t mean herpes. Though I do wish a bad case of mouth herpes on anyone employed by smooth away. Heed my warning, If it looks like sandpaper, it most likely works like sandpaper.  The exfoliating hair removal pad had left me with a baby-powder-like layer of skin on my face. And I still looked more closely related to a gorilla than a lady. Also, it wasn’t easy or painless. I had to put quite an effort into removing all my skin.

I hope you take my advice and, at least for the time-being, stick with your facial razors and tweezers. I’ll keep you updated on how my next attempt at hair removal goes, when I order Finally Free.