Lilu is out of town for a while, but she has provided us with a series of very special TMI Thursday post secret posts. Make sure to check them out…. And for more TMI than you could ever imagine, check out her TMI archives!

I’m doing TMI a little different this week. I have a friend “Moops” who has asked several times for me to talk about him on my blog.

Well sir, I’ll do better than that. You have officially been email roasted. TMI Thursday style.

The following are emails that I copied straight from an email  conversation that happened yesterday afternoon.

I wrote the first email to a group of my friends when I realized I was having a difficult time coming up with a post for today. Moops spent the better part of the afternoon traveling all over the country for work, so didn’t get to check his email until the damage had been done.

Luckily, he’s a good sport. (I hope.)

Hey friends,

Moops has been wanting me to talk about him in my blog for a while… As I am completely brain dead today,I was thinking that you guys could help me out with thinking of a good story.

I know there must be many stories out there that I could tell that would be considered TMI about our friend in question.

The first one that first comes to mind…

Remember when we were calmly talking in the living room, and out of nowhere Moops reached down his pants, into his butt hole and then proceeded to stick his fingers in my mouth???! Just because ” he had an urge!!!”

I almost had to kill myself by ingesting bleach.

I got him back on the river trip though. heeeheehehee

You got anything better?

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RE: TMI

FROM: SCUBA

This happened,

Outside the Coventry Apts. Justin met our across the hall neighbors in his tighty whitees.  He then helped the girl carry groceries from her car up flight of stairs in his undees.  He then slipped on the very top concrete stair and all of the groceries went flying out of the sack.  He was bleeding and scrounging for groceries in front of our new girl neighbor in his undees.  Her boyfriend then shows up as this is going on.

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RE:TMI

FROM: CARISSA JADE

Orrrr……….Maybe I should switch gears and tell about the time Scuba pooed his pants. I was such a nice friend and told him I would do his laundry for him. I almost died when I saw the skid lake underwear in the laundry basket.

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RE: TMI

FROM: LA

How about the time Moops puked on my couch then had to be taken to bed? Fast forward three hours and he comes storming down the stairs yelling at me me. Upon his return back up the stairs he proceeds to trip and stumble back down to the bottom. To top it off, he jumps up, glares and points his finger at me and says, “Yoooooooouuuuuuu”!

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RE: TMI

FROM: KT

I have a quick couple…

How about the time Moops decided to tell us about his love for couches. He loves them so much that he use to have sex with them, sad but true. Moops use to masturbate by inserting his junk between couch cushions and go to town!

Or how bout the time we went to we walked into an apt. party of people we didn’t even know and Moops drank too much and as usual stripped down to his tightee whitees and the people were so put off they asked us to leave. We do and Moops begins to laugh. Of course we ask “what are you laughing at?” He then pulls out the tube of toothpaste he was so proud to have stolen. His grand revenge for getting kicked out was stealing toothpaste…

Then there is the time that Moops really impressed me. I had just moved in below him and had spoken with him a few times. My roommates were out so I went to go say hi. Moops opens the door and is unquestionably shit faced. We are watching T.V. and I’m telling him a story when he stops me and says “hold on.” He then leans over and pukes the smelliest blach puke onto his carpet, nearly getting it on his boy dog “Jager.” When done he looks at me and says “ok, go on.” Without blinking an eye! Bless his heart!

And then of course there is the time that he asked my somewhat crazy ex-bff to trim his pubes. She then convinces him that he should be blind folded for the event. She did this so pictures could be taken without him knowing. Blindfolded, naked, and holding a beer, Moops let this crazy woman near his manhood with a pair of scissors in her hand! Don’t worry she didn’t hurt him, she just trimmed, but it did make for interesting pics….

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RE:TMI

FROM: CARISSA JADE

HAHAHA I forgot about some of these! Speaking of the puking (not that there aren’t already enough puking stories) I just remembered about the time that I woke up to find a pile of puke at the foot of my bed. That fool woke up in the middle of the night, stuck his head over the foot of the bed, and then straight up went back to sleep.

The funny thing about that night that he stole the toothpaste, is that I’m pretty sure that was the same night we may or may not have dipped someone’s toothbrush and razors into the toilet. Oops.

Oh. And my favorite… (which really needs it’s own post) The night he peed my bed, thank goodness I was on the futon that night (poor shae) That wasn’t really even the bad part. He took the down comforter home and promised to wash it. Three weeks later I go to his loft and that thing was was in his closet with all the other “clean” blankets… and sure nufff …it had never been washed.

And KT. When you get a chance, you must send me those pube cutting pics. I have no idea what happened to my copy. I know it was in my glove compartment for a while- though I have absolutely no idea as to why…

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RE:TMI

FROM: MOOPS

Wow, all of this makes me sound like a really great guy!  I’ll get abnoxiously drunk, puke, piss your bed, might fuck your couch and I might ask you to get some of those hard to reach pubes.  I want to hang out with me!!

Scuba,  speaking of fucking things this one is for you…

I believe this story epitomizes TMI.  This came out of one of those story telling sessions where everyone was boozed up enough to share stories from their sexual past, the story didn’t necessarily have to involve another person, solo acts were admissible.  I’m on a plane and I don’t want the guy next to me to see what I’m writing so I have to make it quick.

So it begins, Scuba, the horny young thing that he was went about the house looking for objects he could have intercourse with, nothing too disturbing or out of the ordinary yet, right?  On his quest for pleasure a furry young thing catches his eye, why of course, what better sexual companion than your favorite over stuffed teddy bear (it might have been a panda).  But hmmm, how to make this lustful encounter logistically possible?  Cut a hole in it!  With near surgical precision (I’m sure) Scuba proceeds to cut a hole ample enough to receive his penis.  Then,  he fucked the teddy bear.

The funniest part is that his mom found the stuffing from the procedure; he told her that a kid down the street went into a rage and stabbed his bear.  So to this day if that neighbor kid is ever mentioned his mom says something to the effect of “ oh that so and so , he’s the one who stabbed your poor teddy.”

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RE: TMI

FROM: KT

It was a cow and he shared that story the same night you shared you love for couch cushions

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RE: TMI

FROM: CARISSA JADE

hahaha ok, thanks guys. I’m gonna have to use all of this…

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Oh yes, in case you were wondering… my friends definitely put the ass in class. Have a wonderful day!

The fact that I am kind of a walking natural disaster has actually worked to my advantage in some aspects of  life.

I rarely have to carry groceries into the house, as my roommates are quick to grab the bags before I get a chance to shut the carton of eggs in the car door or trip and fall on a carton of milk. People have come to expect that I will naturally forget to unplug my hair straightener, and have learned to routinely check my room for plugged in appliances and lit candles, thus saving me the shame of burning down a building. I’m rarely made responsible for planning anything, and no one ever wants to ride in my car-so I’m never designated driver.

I want to take this time to sincerely apologize to every person in my life who has had to endure  any of these situations. (etc.) I know there are some things that I cannot change about myself, but there are some things that I would be willing to try to work on, mostly for my own sake…but you’re sure to benefit as well.

• From this point on, I’m really going to try to return to practicing the age-old habit of brushing my teeth twice a day.  I do floss quite often, and always brush before I leave home- but seeing that I haven’t been to the dentist in like 8 yrs- (I’m waiting for Obama-care) I feel that I should go to extra lengths to ensure I don’t lose my teeth before the age of 30.  How you will benefit: Talking to me will become a much more pleasant experience and you will not run the risk of death by holding-your-own-breath -for- too -long.

• As much as it pains me, I will quit forcing all the people I know , love, and just met, to listen to me sing all eleven minutes of Meatloaf’s “Paradise By the Dashboard Light.” I won’t even sing my camp version. I can’t take it out of my road-trip play list, but I can vow to only play it one time… (each way.) How you will benefit: No more bleeding ears and you won’t be singing “gonna go all the way tonight” in your head for weeks.

• I’m going to start hanging clothes up after washing them. I will no longer take them out of the dryer and immediately put them on a pile on the floor. I realize now, that when I do this it only takes about two days before they get mixed in with the dirty ones, and I end up wearing dirty underwear to work. I will also try to actually fold my t-shirts and pants before stuffing them into my dresser. I might even go so far as trying to iron one item of clothing a month. This is gonna be a tough-ey. How you will benefit: You won’t really. Except for you won’t have to waste as much energy of pointing out the ketchup stain on my shirt, and you’ll be spared the scene of watching me try to get out the stain with my spit and my finger.

• By foot powder and use it. (self explanatory)

• From now on, I will no longer be leaving half-full cups of water around the house or next to my bed. If I come home to find one more cup of three day old water spilled on my keyboard, ( I HATE THOSE FRICKIN CATS!!!) I am likely to have an aneurysm. I should probably stop drinking liquid all together to save more carpets. Maybe I’ll just lean over the sink and slurp water out.. or buy a sippie cup.  How you will benefit: You will no longer have to suffer the wrath  that comes out when I come home to find water spilt on my make-up next to the bed. My mood swings will become fewer and far-between.

• I vow to not drink wine for one week.

• I’m going to make a conscious effort not to chew on every pin I pick up. I know disgusted you must when I hand back your now unrecognizable  bic , that now has a pen cap that looks like it has been man-handled by the terminator. The same goes for other small pieces of plastic. I am really thankful when people let me borrow a sip from their water bottle, and for now on I won’t hand it back to you with a mangled top. Along these same lines, I will try to wain myself from doodling inappropriate objects on other people’s documents, and I will resist the urge to straighten every bobby pin and paperclip I come across. How you will benefit: Duh, you’re stuff won’t be disgustingly ruined by someone else’s mouth.

• I will try try try not to rub the cab drivers back on drunken cab rides. I will also refrain from using one accent for too long of a time (in public. (See my last post.) How you will benefit: Your dignity will still be intact.

I think this will give me enough to work on for the time being. I’m open for suggestions if you would like to anonomously let me know if there is anything else you would like me to work on. Just be nice, I’m sensitive.