Annnnd now you have a Backstreet Boys song in your head. Win for me.

The last week has been so crazy I don’t know my ass from my mouth. No wait. That’s a little weird. But it’s true. I may have lost my mind a little. You might say it’s somewhere up my ass.

It’s not like I’m literally shoving cinnamon toast up my butt or scratching my mouth or anything, but I honestly haven’t had a second to get a grip on what’s going on in my life. My phone was dead for three days straight and I have spent as much time on twitter and facebook as I have watching trashy reality shows on MTV, which is not at all.

It all really started going high speed last Thursday night. I had to work on Friday night, so Thursday evening I turned on my reserve used only in emergencies energy mode. The movers (my parents) were supposed to arrive at my house at 8am on Saturday so I had to have everything ready and packed.

In the past, I’ve always treated a move like a getaway. I usually spend about an hour running around stuffing things into black trash bags with absolutely no organization tactics. Sheets and shoes and roller clips and the random dirty pair of underwear would be smooshed together with a package of incense and a game of monopoly. Which, really isn’t a bad way to go as long as you never have to unpack.

This time though, I really wanted to do things differently. I’m tired of living a life of clutter. I’m sick of never knowing where anything is. I hate that I only wear 10 out of my 200 t-shirts.

And so I did.

It wasn’t easy, and it wasn’t fun- but it’s something that I’ve been needing to do for the last 8 years.

I literally cleaned out my life.

And it feeelllllllsssss good.

I went through every item of clothing, every shoe, every ratty pair of underwear- and I threw everything out that was old or didn’t fit, or that I hadn’t worn in ages. I threw out the 3 year old box of chocolates from a Valentines Day past. I tossed the napkins that my ex-deaf boyfriend and I had used to communicate on on our first date many years ago. I let go of the scratched mixed- cds that I kept hoping science would come up with a cure for. I gave up my old vintage purses that I haven’t used in years. I found notes and cards that were stashed away in the bottom of my drawers and in between the pages of my favorite books- I gave them one last read- and I tossed them (most of them).

I realized I had been holding on to so much that I didn’t need. I’ve always been bad at letting go; but it was time. Most of the stuff I threw out was trash, but a lot of it were things that I was holding onto for sentimental reasons. It’s not that I want so many THINGS in my life, but I think I’m just an emotional hoarder.  I don’t ever like things to really be over. I hate saying goodbye. Even when something is finito- I don’t want to lose the proof that it happened.

But you know what I’ve realized the last few days? Every time I picked up an item that I’ve kept to remind me of something- I either already clearly remembered the moment, or it was something that I would have rather not remembered. Things come and go for a reason. The important memories stick with us even if we don’t have a t-shirt to commemorate the event. I don’t need to keep a ticket stub to every movie I’ve ever gone to. I’ll remember the good ones, and I’ll push the bad ones from my mind without even meaning to. I don’t need a letter to remind me of a relationship that I don’t even want to remember. I don’t need to save every shirt I’ve ever loved. I got to say a happy and healthy goodbye to all the things in my life that once were so important, and now I feel better.

And even more, for the first time in ten years I can shut my dresser without having to put my entire body weight into it. I can open a drawer without having to sit in it first to push it’s contents down. I can open a box without seeing every broken relationship staring me in the face. I finally feel that I can truly take the next step in my life.

As usual, I broke into an audible cry as I drove away from my old house. Even though we were only there for 8 months, we had a lot of good times there. But as I unpacked, I started feeling better and better about the things that are to come. I’m excited about starting my new, clean life. I’m ready to start collecting new memories. I’m happy.

Life- I hope your wearing a sturdy cup- cause I’m ready to grab you by the balls.

Well probably you don’t, but just in case you DO – I have compiled a list so that you can be just as awesome as I am!!

*** Do not try to achieve “hot-mess” status unless you have some good friends around to make sure you don’t take it too far. You will also need some people that you can count on to help put your life back together once it is all said and done. You also will want to surround yourself with patient friends, who know how to have a good laugh.

*Start out your Friday night by jinxing yourself. It’s pretty fail-proof if you utter the remark “I’m not drinking very much tonight,” that you will actually drink that much and probably more.

*Begin the night with double vodka soda’s.

*Supplement drinks with shots.

*Do a few performances at a karaoke bar, including the “always a crowd pleaser” “Total Eclipse of the Heart” – Old School version.

*** A karaoke performance is not complete if you don’t include a leg kick at some point.

*Talk to any person who is willing to talk to you, and tell your entire life story.

*Make your new bar friends look up what you proclaim to be the “funniest blog in the world,” (mine) (which I know is certainly not the case) and make them save it to their phone.

*Go back to the microphone and sing “What A Wonderful World,” in the voice of Louis Armstrong. Again.

*End said performance by saying something like “SORRY IF THAT SUCKED AND IF YOU THINK SO WELL THEN EFF YOU BITCHES.”

*Wake up in the morning 30 minutes before you need to be somewhere that is forty-five minutes away.

*Realize that you left your phone at the bar.

*Realize that your wallet is also missing.

*Scratch that.

*YOU HAVE LEFT YOUR ENTIRE PURSE AT A BAR.

*Drive back to bar and recover your life.

*Arrive at new landlord’s house  to sign your lease 45 minutes late so that he is no longer home.

Put your money in his mailbox, call and leave a message to let him know that you’ve done so.

*Don’t hang up phone after you leave message, and accidentally record yourself saying something to the likes of “this effing blows, we get up early to get this shit taken care of and he isn’t even effin here.”

*Meet up with a friend and drink two of her mother’s Mikes Hard Lemonades.

*Proceed to go to lunch and have 2 bloody marys.

*Take a 3 hour nap.

*Wake up and go to a bar for dinner and drinks at about 6, having not showered and wearing the same clothes you wore the night before.

*Text people that you definitely have no business texting, and that you shouldn’t even be talking to.

*Get your phone taken away by a friend, but it’s for the better.

*Leave the bar at around 10 and pass out on a friend’s couch while everyone else is watching a movie.

*Wake up at 8 with a dead phone,  having no clue where you are.

*Luckily, you will still have time to make the sausage biscuit breakfast at Whattaburger.

*Go to see Valentines Day, looking, feeling, and smelling like three day old dogshit.

*On a Sunday afternoon proclaim with pride that “I haven’t showered since Thursday night!!!”

*Get in your Hurricane car and drive back to hurricane room, where you will ponder on these events and then the ones that you don’t remember so much about.

*Blog about it all so that the whole world has the opportunity to read about your awesomeness.

*Do things to help you forget your night/s.

*Relive it all again when a friend posts pictures of you in your worst state possible.

That. Happened.

There you have it, somewhere around 30 easy steps to be a hurricane.

Happy Monday folksters!!

I am in serious awe at the speed that this year has flown by. It feels like just yesterday I was getting tasered on the Fourth of July, and now it is officially the second day of November. If the Mayan’s are correct,we have approximately 3 years left before the shit starts to hit the fan. Which means I really have to get my ass in gear if I want to reach my goal of completing AFI’s 100 years 100 movies list. Though I am well on my way.

But back to more exciting things, like my past weekend.

Halloween is my absolute favorite holiday, and this year was definitely no exception. LA and her roommate threw a party this year to celebrate both of their birthdays, and of course Halloween. After hosting the party last year, I had an idea as to how crazy things could get- but what ensued surpassed any of my expectations.

I now present you with the highlights.

**I am having an extremely difficult time writing anything today. My entire body is bruised, can’t feel my butt, I can’t turn my neck, and I’m missing skin on my elbows and thighs. Why you ask? Because this genius decided that stair-surfing on an ironing board would be an awesome idea! AND IT WAS!!! At least until LA and I rode together and experienced what will now be known as the Great Crash of 2009. I wish I had footage, because it was soooooo worth this pain.

Friday night, a group of us got together to start decorating the house and carve pumpkins. I didn’t actually carve any myself, (because the last time I tried I ended up with a bloody finger and a pumpkin that resembled Sloth from the Goonies) but I somehow ended up with the task of scraping the goo out of everyone else’s pumpkins. I still have orange underneath my nails.

Doobie-lantern??

How old are we?

all in a row

Moving on to the party. Turns out there are some pretty crafty things you can do with food. Someone even tortilla chips in the shape of ghosts, cats and other scary creatures.

chips, how crafty.

egg devils. I wouldn't have had the patience.

My awesome contribution. Whoever said I can't cook?

Most importantly, you must see our costumes. Heed the warning above.

GHOULS GONE WILD

LA and I close up. have I told you how much i love making this face?

The most interesting man in the world.

"muff diver" was the technical name of his costume.

Eventually got tired of the signs. FAKE BOOBIES!!

Nothin but teeth.

Bill and sookie

???

Kiss

Overall? Definite success.

Despite the fact that it’s Monday and I have come down with what I can only assume is the  swine flu- I’m still smiling about the craziness that was my weekend.

My friend L.A. and I decided to road trip it down to Austin to celebrate my little sister’s 23rd Birthday. My sister is all kinds of awesome; but other than fabulous taste in music, our habit of chewing on small pieces of plastic and the way that we both eat our sandwiches upside down- we have very little in common. Even so, she’s my best friend in the world and I don’t think I would survive without her in my life. Like, literally.

Though she is 5 years younger, she has definitely learned to take on the big sister role in our relationship. I’m not going to go into details because like I said, we are complete opposites- and as much as I love being the center of attention- I can bet you that she is blushing just reading this.

But just so you get a better picture of how different we are, my little sister started off the weekend offering to be the designated driver. On her birthday weekend. I don’t think I have ever offered to drive whether drinking was part of the deal or not. Needless to say, we were not evil enough to take her up on this offer, though we still managed to double her on our alcohol intake.

Friday night we went to a little bar on 6th street. Since it was ACL weekend, everywhere was a little more crowded than usual and the clothing was about 20 times more interesting than usual. My favorite outfit of the night was a girl wearing a cape over a tank top and panties. Awesomeness. Definitely something you will never see in Dallas.

LA. and I spent most of the evening obsessing over the fact that we were damn near 6 years older than all of my sister’s friends. I think we both still look fairly young, and there is no question that my sister and her friends are at least 10 years older than us if your basing it on maturity, but I couldn’t help but feel a little cougar-rific. The highlight of my evening was when a someone said they thought I was the  younger sister, though they were clearly just humoring me. Or maybe they overheard L.A. and I playing the “Penis game”… you know, the game where you can be the most obnoxious by yelling Penis the loudest. I always win.

When we got back to my sister’s apartment on Friday, we were all pretty tipsy. But we were smart enough to buy liquor to drink after the bar, so we dove right into that and then proceeded to call every person in our phones who had lived in or maybe just visited Austin in their lives. After we pissed off several people’s wives and woke up several children, L.A. got a hold of a very drunk guy who said he was 90% sure he could get us into A.C.L. the next day. After our initial excitement wore off, L.A. and I got into a physical fight over whether we would go see Dave Matthews (her choice) or Ghostland Observatory(my much better choice) because they were playing at the same time. My sister had gone to bed at this point and was abruptly woken to the sound of my body slamming L.A. into the foot of her bed.

that's my "gonna kick yo ass" face.

It turns out the bruise on my right shoulder and scrapes on my left legs were gotten in vein, because the asshole who said he could get us tickets, definitely did not get us tickets.

We spent the greater portion of Saturday drinking water,  watching tivoed shows from last week, and eating copious amounts of Thai food. For about 5 minutes we thought we may just couch it for the evening and watch some Gossip Girl (shhhh) on DVD, but my sister mentioned that she had never had a martini. Twenty three years old and never had a martini? Deal breaker. We took turns dying our hair with boxed hair dye (L.A. could now be Carrot Top’s obnoxious twin sister,  I look like a witch, and my sister’s hair looks maybe 3/4 of a shade darker than it was,) showered, tried on about 30 outfits a piece, and left to go out wearing the first outfit we tried on approximately 3 hours later.

**Looking back, removing the hair dye from our hair really would have been a much smoother process, had we taken actual showers…

The night ended up being a ton of fun! And we did get our martinis, though not everyone was has happy about them as I was… The first pic is of us pre- first sip of dirty martini.

The following picture was taken immediately after our first sip (and my sister’s last.) My sister’s (far left)  face: Priceless.

The rest of the night was kind of a blur. I do know that L.A. and I, being the ever so proper house guests that we are, invited a bunch of people to come over to my sister’s apartment after the bar. We finished off that bottle of vodka, and  as usual, I acted inappropriately . You see, the dress that I was wearing was the sort of material that you can’t really wear underwear with unless you want the world to see rolls of flab in extremely unbecoming  areas. And I apparently should be banned from not wearing underwear with dresses for life, or should not be allowed to drink with people who I do not know very well.

I guess I owe an apology or two.

My dear sister,

I had a wonderful weekend and I am so happy i got to spend your birthday weekend with you. I love your friends, your roommate, and your apartment. Thank you for making sure L.A. and I didn’t leave the bar with any strange people. Thank you for telling your friends that I don’t usually act like this and that it was the drunkest I have ever been. I know you hate to lie, but this one doesn’t hurt anyone, and it helps your sister from coming across as a complete ass. I’m sorry that I fell of the chair into that plant on your back porch. But mostly, I’m sorry I flashed my panty-less hoo-ha at your friends. Even though most of my friends laugh when I do that, I realize now they may have a different sense of humor than my friends do, and I should have at least asked first. I hope that you won’t be too scared to ask me back!

I love you!

Your  favorite (and only) sister in the world,

Carissa

*Why am I in a glass cage of emotion? Aside from the cramps, and the fact that The Last House on the Left has scarred me for life,  I  hate it that some of the people closest to me are going through a rough time. I know everything will happen that is supposed to happen and all that cliched bullshit (which I actually do believe) but in the mean time,  I keep imagining myself walking through a storm, crying,  while Travis’s  “Why does it Always Rain on me” blares in the background.

*Travis Wall was my absolute favorite contestant on So You think You Can Dance and … well nothing… I just love him, that’s all.

*Tomorrow is  Tuesday, and that means  I get to watch So You think you can Dance. It comes on again on Wednesday.Therefore; I might be getting an a slightly better mood.

*On Friday, (in 4 days!) my friend and I are going to road trip to Austin to visit my little sister and celebrate her Birthday. I love my sister dearly and I really can’t believe she’s all grown up!! Plus, a road trip is always good for the soul, especially when you hold the key to a perfect road trip play list.

*Austin City Limits is this weekend in Austin.

*I didn’t get tickets because when they went on sale, I was too poor to afford them. I was hoping to save up a little money and try to find someone to buy them from.

*I”m still too poor to afford tickets. How does a paycheck go so fast? I  have to survive on a very little amount of money for the next two weeks.  Luckily, I can have been through this many times in the past, and I know how to live off of black beans and vodka.

*I actually do know how a paycheck goes so fast. A kickass weekend. My favorite moment of the past weekend has to be around 3:00am on Friday night. I was at a house party playing beer pong. Someone decided it would be a good idea to put on  Miley Cyrus’s “Party in the USA.” You haven’t lived life until an entire garage full of twenty-something-year-olds (half of them being of the straight male variety) burst into song and dance to a Miley Cyrus song. Priceless.

*It’s finally getting cool enough where hanging out in a garage is comfortable again. You can sit outside for over an hour without your legs getting stuck to the seat. You no longer have to religiously apply baby powder to every region of your body.

*Shit. The weather is changing. I don’t have a single pair of pants that fit me. Last year I wore clothes that were two sizes too big because I couldn’t afford new clothes. I need to go shopping or I’m going to spend the winter holding my pants up, walking around like a real life “Jared from Subway” poster. It seems a little funny now, but in a couple of weeks it’s not going to be so funny when I moon my entire office. I guess I could just forgo buying new pants and just get some full coverage underwear instead…

*Which brings me back to the money thing.

*But I don’t want to end this on a negative note.

*If I could afford it, The Gap is an option for jeans. Not my first choice option… but still. I heard on NPR this morning that Donald Fisher, the co-founder of The Gap, passed away. I always get a little sad whenever I hear that someone has  died. However, anytime anyone mentions The Gap, my first thought is- shame on my parents for letting my entire Jr. High wardrobe consist of  Gap denim tank tops, jean shorts (or jorts, if you will,) overalls, and(Non Gap) Umbros.  Then I remember my that second favorite Spike Jones commercial of all time, just so happens to be for The Gap.

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*I could end this by once again telling you all both how excited I am that  Spike Jones’s Where the Wild Things Are comes out next week.

**Or I could use this commercial as a transition to let you know I will be making some changes on the site in the next couple weeks. It’s still early in the process, but my friend has been working on a header and a theme which I am really excited about. I don’t like the way the page currently looks, and I am really ready for a new layout. I threw this one up when I started, basically just so I could get started. I’m still really new at this, so if anyone has any WordPress advice about what works best, or how to work this cluster-mother of a site, or any advice about keeping up a blog in general-I’m all ears!