Every once in a while though, I start to feel the angst building up in my soul and I know that putting it down on computer is the only way I can self-therapatize. (it’s a word in my head, for my head.) I used to use a paper journal for these kind of thoughts, but I kept leaving it places and that lead to more embarrassment than I  care to deal with these days. When I’m feeling this way, I usually type out a few emo-induced paragraphs and then erase it later when my mind is clear.  I’m not quite sure where this is going so there is a good chance that could happen today.

I guess I’ve been doing a lot of thinking the last few days. Really it’s probably been more like months, but I only let myself really work through this stuff every so often. I should probably get a therapist or a hamster to talk to or something so it doesn’t even happen even  this often.

A lot has changed for me in the last year. I was  recently thinking of what I was doing last year at this time, the way I was feeling… and it nearly made my brain spontaneously combust.

From the outside, maybe not much has changed. I still have most of the same friends, hang out at most of the same places, and I still have the same job. I still wake up questioning my decisions and the paths that I’ve chosen to take at this point in my life. I still get angry that some aspects in my life aren’t going the way that I would like. And I still don’t know where I’m headed.

But the more I think about it, I know that the past year has been a year of growth for me.

I’ve overcome some internal battles and come to terms with major changes in my life. I am learning to live a healthy life and to work through things in healthy way. I’m learning to choose my battles and to let things go. I know that I’ll always be a people pleaser, but sometimes it’s hard enough just to please myself, and that’s ok.

I cried a lot, but I laughed a lot too. I pretty much wear my emotions as a “kick me” sign on my back, and last year I took quite a few blows.

My family dynamic has changed. Relationships have changed. Friendships have changed.

I have changed.

What really surprises me is how so many of these things have worked themselves out without me even realizing it. Things that, just six months ago I thought  would plague me forever, have not completely disappeared…but I have somehow come to be at peace with them.

I thought these were all things that I would have to really work at, and in some respect, I do… but  for the most part this peace has come without effort.

Whenever people say “you learn from you mistakes,” it has always sort of gone in one ear and out the other.

I think I finally get it, though I’m not sure there even are mistakes.

I have learned from every experience, both happy and painful.  Situations rarely turn out the way I  intend or envision, and I’m learning that that’s ok.

I’ve shed some skin and I’m ready to keep on keepin on.

Even though I may not always take the right road, I know that eventually I’ll get there. And when I finally do- I’ll be a little smarter, a little tougher, and a much much better person.

(All the while with John Cusack by my side)

I cannot believe I haven’t written in almost a week. I have really missed it, though I have to admit it does feel good to unplug for a few days. I may continue to be a little scarce blogging and commenting this week, but I promise it will be business as usual after the New Year. I’m still recovering from the whirl wind that was Christmas, and I feel like certain areas of my life need a little extra special attention.

So here is a short one for ya! Check out Supahmommy’s site for more great post it’s!

I’m afraid my attitude today is a little somber. I’ve had a really tough week, but I’m really trying to stay cheerful so bear with me if I’m not my usual chipper yet resentful self!

I’d like to start on a positive note though. Last Thursday night I went with my friend Moops to go see Pete Yorn which was a blast,  at least from what I can remember. I love Pete Yorn. I love his music, but mostly I really love his hair. I literally had to talk my self out of jumping on stage and running my fingers through it.

We started out at the Monk, where we drank quite a few cocktails as quickly as possible  to avoid the 15 dollar cocktails at the venue, which we ended up drinking anyway. Things got a little fuzzy about half way through the concert, and I remember even less after the show… so I’m going to go ahead and offer yet another “I’m sorry” (this post is chock-full of them) to anyone who was forced to witness my behavior… though I hear I was quite entertaining. I drink for a reason people… and it’s not to make myself laugh. Or maybe it is just a little.

The next morning I had to get up early and head to Waco to see my grandaddy in the ICU, which is probably my least favorite excuse I’ve ever had to truthfully use to get out of work. My grandad is my hero, and has more heart than anyone I have met in my lifetime. I could go on forever but I’ll save that for another post.

I was in a pretty shitty mood, as you can imagine… and I shouldn’t have been shocked when I woke to find out that it was pouring rain. There is nothing that I despise more than having to drive on the highway during the pouring rain. I don’t even like driving on the highway when it’s not raining. I went my first three years of college without ever getting onto a highway. I literally drove on access roads everywhere I went, which is reason #2146 that my friends refuse to get in the car with me.

As soon as I got on the road I noticed that something wasn’t right. Something other than the fact that my car dies anytime I’m in idle for more than 30 seconds. Even the most daft people are aware that roads “May Be Slippery When Wet,” but I’m telling you people, my car was out of control. I spent the first hour going 30 mph on I35, which is never a great idea. I had to keep both hands on the wheel and every time I hit the slightest bump on the road, my car started hydroplaning. I couldn’t decide whether I was just being paranoid that something was wrong with my tires, or if there actually was a problem for once, but I finally decided to pull over. Luckily, the first shop on the exit that I pulled off on was a tiny little tire shop. Of course no one there spoke English.  Luckily, I’ve taken about 10 years of Spanish and was able to eventually convey that I had a problem by using phrases such as “Mi coche es no bueno!! Mi muerte diez tiempos en la calle de la tires esta slippingo everywhereo!! AYUDARME!!!!!!!!!”

Turns out I had 3 completely bald tires, and was forced to purchase 3 new/used ones for twenty bucks a piece. I’m not sure of their quality, but they eventually got me home!

The rest of my trip was pretty uneventful and mostly consisted of sitting in an ICU waiting room, but since I’m already on a role here with a boring-ass post, I’ll share a little of the more exciting details.

*I spent about 30 minutes walking around the hospital looking for a water fountain. I’m really glad now that I didn’t find one. I realized after seeing about 20 people who were surely victims of the aporkalypse, that there are no water fountains in the hospital for a reason. Yeah I’m that bright.

Satan on two sticks

*My mom got a cockatoo. I have decided that the cockatoo is spawn from the devil himself. I have never met such a needy animal. If you don’t stand in front of it and pet it’s stomach it makes a sound that can only be designed to make people shoot themselves in the face. The only thing I can compare that sound to is that of my roommate Jake when he is trying to “break” me. Unfortunately flashing my lady bits at the bird is not near as effective as a weapon on the bird as it is on my gay roommate. I debated whether to spend the entire duration at my house playing “shadow” with the bird (which consists of me saying “Hello,” the bird saying “Hello,” Me saying “hello,” The bird saying “hello,” ) or hiring an avian hit-man.

*I learned there are certain movies that you definitely shouldn’t watch with your father, no matter how cool they may be. Specifically, I learned that I will never again watch the movie “Bruno” with my father, as it is extremely uncomfortable to sit on the couch next to your father while watching a penis dance and then speak.

*Finally saw the “Where the Wild Things Are”… Not my favorite movie of all time, but ya gotta love Spike Jonez for the effort. It was entertaining and I loved the message. The score was amazing. I found myself smiling throughout the entire film, but I doubt I would have liked it much as a child. The “Wild Things” kind of reminded me of those creatures at Chucky Cheese, and those things really used to freak me out.

*My dog Princess Stella Rosita Devito Tootsie Bertha Brown Jr. has been staying with my dad out at the family farm. She has found a new favorite pastime of rolling around in Cow manure. Even after I gave her a bath she smelled like, well shit, but I cuddled on her anyway because she’s just so freaking cute.

Stella is not very photogenic, but yes, she is in direct relation to Danny Devito.

*I also watched Food Inc. I guess I’m going to have to stop eating food now.

*I came home last night to find my roommates giving our house a Griswold family makeover. I’m a little nervous about the electricity bill, but I frickin love it. Why decorate your house if you’re not going to be obnoxious about it? Pictures to come.

*My grandad is doing much better and finally got out of the ICU. He’s still a little weak so please keep him in your thoughts!

I spent all morning writing a post that just disappeared to… I have no fucking clue where. Forgive me if this is grammatically retarded and completely un-pc, but I don’t feel like trying as hard this time around.

I actually started about 7 different posts that were potentially for today, but for one reason or another just never finished them.

I’m blaming it on the fact that I was just mega-slammed with work, and I  got a last minute call from Channel 6  News to be interviewed about my unnatural ability to do a hand stand against the wall for 8 hours at a time.

Ha.

Truth is, for the second time this week, I broke my “not drinking for almost a week” pact.  I only had a few much-needed cocktails, but I still feel like a big fat sack of guilty ass. Though I have no idea what that would actually look like.

The good news is that I kept my other pact to myself. I vowed that I would be completely committed to this little blog for the entire month of October… Meaning that, come rain or shine and no matter how boring the shit I threw at you was, I made a commitment that I would post every single weekday. Just to see if I could.

And check out that calendar on the side-bar over there—————————————————————–>

OH YEAH, BLOG! I Kellllly-Ripppppppad your ass!!!

And while this may not seem like a big deal to a lot of you, I have something inside of me that makes me  just want quit something as soon as I hear the word “commit.”

But alas, maybe these times they are a changin’.

So now I will continue with my visual presentation to the shit-storm that is my life… If you missed it, you can check out more visuals from last Friday’s post here.

Remember how I was just telling you about how I hate spiders?

I killed that mutha.

Well a certain little bugger  was sent from Satan himself to terrorize me this morning. Sure he was just a little thing, but nevertheless, he did his job well. At first I thought I was imagining things, (possibly experiencing the first signs of food poisoning that I’m sure to get after eating raw chicken last night) but after seeing a shadow repeatedly float across my computer screen, I knew he was there. I swear though, he was fucking with me on purpose. He used his nearly invisible web to cascade down from the ceiling, probably trying to get close enough to have a taste of my blood, and then as soon as I would notice him and attempt to take a swap, he would completely disappear!. I finally got him though. I would take a picture and show you, but there’s not a lot left.

Not only do I murder helpless creatures, but I steal shit too.

Does this count as littering?

Ok, so I don’t so much steal, (I’m not that tough) but I do accidentally take things quite often. I blame it on my severe case of untreated ADD. I’ll be focused and right in the middle of doing something….

I should totally go get fake eyelashes for tonight. Oooh, there’s a Target across the street.

Which is what happened at the bank a few days ago when I ended up driving away with that little thingie that they send you your money in. I have no clue what to call it, but if you don’t know what I’m talking about look at the picture above, ya dumbass.

Oh I’m feeling a little frisky this morning. Must have been all that sugar. Does anyone know how to make pumpkin dip? I really want some for the party tomorrow. I have a feeling that it is something like pumpkin pie, but I don’t know how to make that either.

Damn, see… happened again.

So anyways, I drove away with the thingie. I would have just taken it bac k, but I’ve already had to do that once this month, and I didn’t want to go to the embarrassment trouble. Hence the reason that I bowling balled that container right out of my car when I realized I had it. Always get rid of the evidence…. And then take a picture and blog about it… is what I always say.

Really, this is a philosophy of mine. (not the blog part) Chunk it out of the car.

Once, my college roommate accused me of taking her Outcast CD.  I denied and denied, because I don’t listen to Outcast.

About a year later I was going through my cd’s and came across that Outcast CD. I have no idea how it got there, but I sure enough chunked that shiz out the window in a moment of panic. And now, I’m blogging about it. (If you’re reading this… I AM REALLY SORRY!!!)

Have I already told you that I want to take wine behind the schoolyard and get it pregnant?

I’m pretty sure that I have.

My roommates and I have started collecting the wine corks and empty  bottles to use to make artsy things. They have even gone to the trouble of ordering glass cutters and candles and decorative rocks and such. Don’t worry, I’ll post pictures of our projects for you. Just as soon as we feel we have saved enough material to really get started.

Don’t hold your breath.

Have you met my roommate Jake?

Just your average night at my house.

For the most part I get along with all my roommates. Jake and I just have a…. special kind of friendship. Ok, I won’t beat around the bush. He is the only person in the world that has the ability to make me want to stab myself repeatedly in the eye. And I’m pretty sure he is committed to making me do so. He has the ability to speak my name at a volume that makes animals do crazy things like jump of cliffs and bite the hands off of small children. Oh the torture! Forget waterboarding, just send Jake. You’ll get all the answers you want.

Another example of his Jakiness? Last night, for no apparent reason, Jake decided it would be funny to reach his hand down the back of his pants and chase me around the house threatening to wipe butt juice on me. Luckily, I possess the only weapon that works on Jake (and most gay guys)… a vajayjay. Oh yes. Two can play this game. The chase lasted for about fifteen minutes and ended with Jake locking himself in the bathroom. I win.

On a side note, this pretty much works with anything when dealing with Jake. As long as I have the ability to drop my pants, I win!

I know you think otherwise, but I’m not perfect.

Note to self: wear a bra.

I know I’ve mentioned that my Halloween costume this year consists of a pair of saggy boobs that i ordered off the internet. Well last night, my other roommate Denny, ( who usually doesn’t give me trouble) asked me why I was wearing them a few days early.

FML.

HAPPY HALLOWEINER!

However, I have been feeling awfully sentimental the last few days and I have not been inspired to use humor as a diversion from my thoughts… which is something I have usually mastered.

I can’t even really put my finger on what has been bothering me exactly, but I just don’t feel in control of many aspects in my life. I’m not trying to complain, for the most part I really do love my life! I have a job, I have the best friends a girl could ask for, and I make enough money to have a little fun every once in a while. It just feels like everything is changing- and there is nothing that I can do to stop it.

After going home to my parent’s house last weekend and ingesting a huge dose of nostalgia, I felt even worse. I had to go through a bunch of  boxes in an effort  to try to find winter clothes that fit, and I came across a bunch of old stuff… and everything seems to have a million memories attached to it.

I came across a box full of post cards from my grandparents, each one mentioning how much they missed me.  I spent a good thirty minutes reading the birthday cards from my parents and cousins. I came across poems that I had written for poetry contests, and crayon drawn pictures  that were supposed to be of the family dog.

After the first box, I turned into a madwoman. I pulled down every box from the top of my childhood closet and turned my room into a disaster scene of artifacts from my past. I found baseball cards that I forgot I ever “collected.” I found notes from my friends that had been folded and refolded so many times that the paper was soft. I read the entries in my baby book  where my mom had written me notes telling me about the time I took my first step, and how I let my friends open all of my birthday presents. I found a framed poem that a junior high boyfriend had written me. I tried on pieces from dance costumes that I wore a bajillion years ago. I flipped through dozens of photo albums of faded pictures, and dramatically ridiculous hair cuts.

Looking at the pictures from when I was a child, I couldn’t help but want to go back there.

I want to sit on the tacky blue furry couch that used to be in the living room. I want to cuddle up next to my mom, and have her read a Bernstein Bears book to me as she looks through her gigantic red glasses. I want my dad to bring fig newtons up to me in my tree house. I want to spend the afternoon “swimming” in a metal tub in my back yard, entertaining myself with My Little Ponies. I want to play barbies at the age of ten with my little sister, enjoying myself even though part of me thought I was a little too old. I want to look forward to a slumber party, and make up dances and build forts with my friends in the living room. I want my grandfather to pick me up from school in his Model T as I wave to my friends. I want to wake up in the morning and watch old Lassie episodes while my dad whips up cinnamon toast in the kitchen.

I know I can handle growing up. I will get through each hardship that life hands me, and I will become a better person for it.

But I can’t help but miss the easier times. I wish that for just one day, I could go back to being a kid- and not take advantage of how easy it is.

And also, only slightly related- I love this song. Brett Dennen has to be one of the best lyricist I’ve ever heard.

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Enjoy.

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I have been diligently writing to myself for over 20 years.

That is insane.

There are not many things in life that I have done diligently for 20 years, except for the obvious activities like brushing my teeth.
So… I sat on the ground for about an hour on my closet floor, with the journals spread all around- flipping through my life, just as I always do whenever I come across old photo albums, baby books, and the other various archives of my life. There are some entries that brought back pain and sadness- and I could remember all too clearly the emotion I felt when writing them. Others are just so ridiculous; I am embarrassed that I would have written these thoughts down, even if they were meant for my eyes only.

The first page of every journal starts out with some kind of disclaimer, for you know- if I were to die or if someone were to find my journal. These disclaimers range anywhere from threats to lies.

This first one is a little lame-

“If someone were to find this journal and read it- I just cannot believe you”

Another one reads-

“My journal for whatever thoughts, dreams, ideas, complaints, insights, quotes, favorite things, and goals. Don’t read unless I’m dead-or else you will be dead.”

And my personal favorite, if I do say so myself-
(from a high school journal)

“If you come across this journal, shut it right now. If you are my parents and read it anyway, some things written here are written for when I’m famous and they publish this and are purely for entertainment value- so don’t worry- I don’t really drink.”

I’m thinking about reusing that last one as a disclaimer for my blog.
Another thing I noticed is that my writing style and topics of choice haven’t really changed since I was in junior high. You’d think that after doing something for over twenty years, my writing would have vastly improved, or at least evolved. I guess this rule doesn’t apply for diary writing.

I’m a little hesitant to do this, as I am basically outing myself as a truly ridiculous/sappy/annoying/egocentric/boring/embarrassingly stupid character (most of these are still true today)… but I’ve decided to share with you a few passages from my high school journal- which is just the one I grabbed when I walked out this morning. The names have been changed.

3/19/1998

Ugh ok. Nuthing seems to be going great. Well I guess nuthing is too bad but it makes me mad that nothing is perfect. Earlier I was watching Boy meets World, and it makes me sooooo mad that I can’t find someone that loves me as much as Corey loves Topanga. Ugh “Bob” makes me sooooo mad. I’m sick of all this shit with him. Also I really don’t want to take the ALG test tomorrow. My teacher came up to me and was like “don’t stress just close your eyes and go to your Happy Land.” I wuz like, like the one in Happy Gilmore? Hahaha. I had my span final today. It was ok, I did good but I kinda cheated. Well everyone did! It wuz a stupid test and Dr. “Galvez” hes like a child molester or something.
“Kelsey” said “Tommy “ asked her who I wuz dating. Hes prob not even interested but gosh he is the hottest guy in the world. I hate that we messed around and nothing even happened. Oh well! I’m gonna watch friends and maybe study. Love ya!

That’s some really deep stuff.

05/12/1998
Yesterday we went to Lake Whitney with my fam and it was actually really fun! We swam and went tubing and stuff. Then we watched Heart and Souls, Good Will Hunting, and a really funny one with Bett Midler and Lily Tomlin. Now Im just sittin here listenen to Hope Floats Soundtrack . I can’t wait til theater camp!! It still sucks that I cant get paid cuz I have to use those hours for community service for that stupid MIP. I kinda have a crush on that “Mike” guy now. He told me to call him tomorrow and even though I really think he should call me- I think I might. I dunno. Well anyways, tonight we went to and got kicked out of several hotel parties. Howard Johnsons and some other rogush place. It sucked. Im still kinda drunk lateerrz!

Then just a few days later:

05/15/1998
Today I went to some stupid softball game with “Amy.” It was kinda boring even though there were some cute boys there to talk to. “Paul” is verrry hot and I think he would make the sweetest boyfriend. Well I did talk to “Mike” the other night and he was nice and we had a good conversation but he hasn’t called me as far as I know. I did have a few hang-ups though. My stupid parents need to get caller id fixed. But “Terry” talked to him the other day and said he wuz gonna call me. Im prob much more experienced than him so I don’t care really. Or so he thinks. Plus he has the same initials as Matt Damon so that’s cool, but Im sure he’s still a penishead regardless.! I decided today I want to be an actress. Actually Ive known for a long time, but now I know its my destiny. I will be discovered and become famous starring in a movie with Joshua Jackson and George Clooney. They will play brothers and both will be in love with me! If only Coach “Smith” wasn’t such a bitch and would let me do one act! Tonight I have to beat “Terry” at the movie game. Its my game and no ones gonna beat me. UGHHHH I am SOOO PISSED I CAN”T FIND MY ER TAPE ANYWHERE!! Laterz!

These are embarrassingly sad.. or sadly embarrassing. Either way, I have plenty more of these- some of which I would rather die than share- but we shall see.

I soooooo wish I wasn’t at work today. This totally sucks. Neways, its like nearly lunchtime and Ive gotta go to starbucks cuz that boy that works there is sooooooooo fine! Laterz!

You see a few days ago something awful happened. My computer quit working. I don’t know what was wrong with it, all I know is that every time I pushed the button to turn it on- it would go through the motions and then just freeze about half-way through the blue Windows start up screen where that little line that moves across the bottom.

Please forgive my lack of computer lingo. I don’t care to learn it because technology has been my arch-nemesis for a long time now. Don’t get me wrong, I can usually fix a computer better than any of my girlfriends. But that’s only because I’ve spent so many hours on the phone with IT people in India, that I’d have to be a very special person not to have learned something. I’m also the quickest-at setting-up-computers- person I know. But that ‘s only because I’ve somehow managed to permanently break so many over the years. I’m very lucky though, because I happen to have an OCD grandfather who only uses a computer for a few months and then passes them on to my family.

But I digress, back to my current piece of a computer. So after a few hours of letting out grunts and no geeksquad member magically appearing at my door,  I did the only thing I really know how to do in this situation. I wiped my entire computer clean. What in the seven layers of Hades was I thinking. Not only did I lose a bunch of stuff that I’ve written, but all of my pictures, and more importantly- my entire i tunes library. I tried to reassure myself with the fact that I have all of my purchased music safe on my  ipod… but that doesn’t help me in the fact that it’s one of my friend’s birthdays tomorrow, and I really want to show off my awesome music taste with a few mixed cds.

So here I sit with my ipod connector in hand, debating whether or not I should take the huge risk of attempting to update my i tunes by transferring purchases to my computer. I’ve been in this position before, and the outcome wasn’t pretty. The last time I tried this I ended up with an empty i tunes, and an empty ipod to boot. (is that how you use that?) At least the last time I had my laptop with all the songs as backup. That laptop has since gone to a better place, the trash.

OK people. I’m about to do this. OHHHHH SHIT.