I think not, my friend. But I’m not here to complain. All is good in the life of me. Really great actually. I cannot stop smiling.

WHAT? No complaints about my roommates? No bitching about having nothing to wear? No rants about how I wore my thong the wrong way for 8 hours???

I know? I must be sippin on some sizzurp crazy juice.

Not only is it pay-day Friday and I have a really fun weekend ahead of me, but Goshdarnit! I just found out some people like me!!

I got two awards this week and I’m so frickin excited!

The first is the Kreativ Blogger award from Amber over at  Musings of Amber Murphy! Thank you friend! If you don’t currently frequent her blog, you must check it! She’s funny, extremely genuine, writes way better poetry than I ever could, (she writes way better than I do, period) and most importantly…she once wrote a letter to Tiffany Amber-Theissen.

Candice from That’s Tangly passed this to me a few weeks ago so I’m gonna skip the meme part of it and just pass it on! If you’re up to it, pass it on to 3 other blogs and reveal 7 things about yourself that you haven’t yet shared with the world.

I”d like to pass this on to:

Andhari from Insomniac Lolita… This girl is an uber talented musician, leads a very interesting life, and posts really awesome pictures of hotties with no shirts!

HillbillyDuhn from Hillbilly Duhn’s Times and Tribulations… Because this girl never fails to crack my shit up. Oh, and also she was brave enough to post the best TMI I have ever read. Ever.

Ryan from 365 Days of People… For being the most hilarious hater on the internet. Seriously, there is rarely a time when he posts something that I don’t agree with. I just hope this award doesn’t prompt a “people who give out gay-ass blog awards” post. Or do it. I’ll laugh.

The second award is the Honest Scrap Award bestowed to me from That Kind of Girl from Not that Kind of Girl. Oh my gosh people. I cannot express in words how much I love this girl and am honored that she reads! She is frickin hilarious, inspiring, (my friends and I now play a NTKOG game where we dare ourselves to do things we normally wouldn’t) and has huge fricking pair of boobs. And by boobs, I mean girl balls. I also blame her for infiltrating “dude” back into my daily vocabulary.

For this award, I’m supposed to tell you 10 super personal things that no one else knows. NTKOG decided to put her own spin on it and reveal 10 things that she has learned about herself in the last 10 days. I’m going to attempt a mix of the 2.

Five things you don’t know about me (unless your a stalker):

1. I’m a huge freak. Meaning? I have a dimple thingy at the top of my butt crack. It’s not as weird as it sounds…  It’s like a little hole that doesn’t go anywhere… I’ve met one other person that has one. Let me know if you do too. We can start a club or something.

2. I had an eating disorder in my early twenties. I am really happy that I have been able to lose weight the right way this time, but sometimes it scares me when I get a little obsessive about it. I know I wouldn’t ever go down that path again, and it feels really good to get this out there- but still… I think about that place that I once was in, and it is terrifying.

3. I am horrible with anything that has to do with numbers. I still have to look on facebook to find out my best friend’s birthdays. The only phone number I have memorized is my parent’s. I use my fingers to do multiplication.

4. My bellybutton hole smells, at least to me. I clean it, but I think it still has a funk.

5. I may or may not have just spent the last 45 minutes trying to give myself a Brazilian wax. I may or may not have learned that this is something that you should not attempt at home. (this probably should have gone in the next list.)

Five things I learned in the last 10 days:

1. I really really really hate the time change. Mostly because I forgot how difficult of a time I have driving at night.

2. I am kind of a loser. There are some days when I have the opportunity to go out and be around people, but I would rather sit at home and watch t.v.

3. I need to learn to stop hiding behind my weight. I got so used to using my weight as my excuse not to do things… not to put myself out there dating wise, not to try new things, not to have confidence. I  I still find myself making these excuses.

4. I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. I have had several discussions with my friends about this lately, and it just fucks with my head even more. I have been consciously putting it out of my mind for the last 4 years, and it’s time to deal.

5. I shouldn’t do things (like go stair surfing) when I don’t have health insurance.

Alllllrighty then. If that wasn’t personal, I don’t know what is. Now I get to pass this on to 10 honest bloggers that I love! Check em out if you haven’t already!

1. Alicia from It Aint easy being Cheesy… I recently started following her and she is hill-arious! Plus she posts amazing pictures and we share a common bond of having obsessions with NSYNC.

2. Phronk …  A fellow film lover who also doesn’t  fart. And I don’t love farts so I kind of love him. Plus he has this other badass site Putting Weird Things in Coffee, where he does just that. I may have read the whole thing.

3. M from Only one Way Down… She’s funny, honest, and when she gets on a rant – I kind of just want to raise my fist and yell “oh hells yeah!” Plus she’s a fellow Dallasite, and it’s good to know there are other good people from the area.

4. Candice from That’s Tangly… I have mad love for this girl! Seriously, if I don’t get to party with her before I die, it will be a major loss on my behalf. Plus she is doing great things with her life right now.. CHECK IT OUT!

5. Kathryn from From The Inside… Out… I didn’t know mom’s could be this funny.  Or that I could relate to one so much. Funny. ass. shiz.

6. Matt from A Crown of Thistles… By far the smartest/funniest/best storyteller/knows freaking latin-est person that I have met on the internets. I literally leave his site with my mouth hung open in awe. And not in the dirty way.

7. F.B. From The Change I Wish to See… I recently started following this guy, and I have gone back to read his entire history. And I laughed a lot. Plus he is an amazing writer, and did I mention he loves It’s Always Sunny??

8. One Step to Recovery… Love this girl! I can almost always relate, and she tells it like it is. She just had surgery yesterday and girl, I hope you are feeling better soon!

9. Kirsten from Belly Shirts…. I laugh my ass off at her daily, and because she single handedly started the swine flu epidemic.

10. Lilu at Liveitluvit… I couldn’t leave her out! I probably wouldn’t have found any of you good people if it weren’t for her site, and I FUCKING love the TMIs.

I have seriously come across so many blogs that I love in the last couple months. I love you all!

Moving on to the Fuck my Life portion. This is why I haven’t been able to walk this entire week… (NEVER STAIR SURF UNLESS YOU WANT TO FEEL MAJOR PAIN!!!)

I am that blur of brown hair, BTW.

F.M.L.

Actually I should rephrase that- I was reminded, once again why I hate drinking and then having to use the restroom at public events.

Port o potties are the devil.

No really.

Can you think of a more disgusting  area to experience a few seconds worth of having nothing between your special parts and bacteria-filled air?

In case it has been a while for you, or you live in a part of the world where port o potties garner enough respect for people not to take advantage- I’ll go into a little more detail about what the state of the port o potties looked like outside of the football game.

To begin with, people seem to lose all inhibitions when they are in line for a port o potty. I think as a rule people lose about 4 levels of class when they are waiting in line for a bathroom after drinking- but for a port o potty they automatically drop to  about a level 8…1 being the classiest, 10 being a contestant on Jerry Springer.

For  example, there was a very drunk girl behind us who was continuously yelling at people to hurry up.

“I’m 34 years old people! 34!! I can’t hold it like the rest of you.. Hurry UP! Respect your elders!!”

At one point, after vehemently criticizing my friend for smoking menthol cigarettes, she grabbed the cigarette from my friend’s hand and started smoking it. And she had a very large something gross on her lip. Ewww.

The line was never shorter than a twenty minute wait. After my fourth beer or so, I was pretty much just drinking one beer, then going to wait in line so I wouldn’t have to do the “pee dance,” or worse- do the “peed in my pants dance.” The port o potties were on a slant so that the corners of the stall were at least 5 empty beer cans deep. Of course you cannot flush a port o potty (unless there is a secret button that I don’t know about??) so the stench was just awful. After only a few hours, there wasn’t any toilet paper to speak of, so the smarter people were taking paper towels in with them, and presumably just tossing them onto the floor. There was also no sink, so I couldn’t look at a person without imaging a layer of gunk on their hands.

As bad as this sounds, the worst part of the situation was the layer of people’s business that was all over the floor… and on the seat.

Even early in the day, it was apparent that people were unaware of where their pee was going, but once it got dark, it became a bajillion times worse.

This is a particularly sensitive subject for me, as I will admit that I have had my own problems in this particular aspect of using a port o potty.

I’m not  proud of this moment, but I have shared way worse information about myself, so what the hell.

It was a few years ago at the local St. Patrick Days parade. I was in a very long line, and had been waiting for close to twenty minutes. The urge was really starting to get to me and I was getting into that crazy state of mind where I was no longer thinking about what I was saying or doing. The only thing that was going on in my brain were visions of waterfalls and swimming pools, and toilets. Shiny clean white toilets with candles lining the sink nearby.

As I got closer to the front of the line, I noticed that one port o potty had a slight river flowing out from the small opening at the bottom. After a few seconds of watching it flow, I started tapping nearby strangers shoulders and goofily pointing to the port o potty that was leaking. I was quite tipsy at this point and probably started yelling phrases like “That girl is peeing the Amazon and missing toilet!!” I was partially jealous at the amount of liquid that this girl was emitting from her body when I wanted nothing more than to have my turn, but the more abrasive part of myself was content with laughing loudly at the fact that she had so obviously miscalculated her squat.

As she exited the bathroom, the crowd started laughing and attempted to give the girl high-fives,  but she ran away in what I can only imagine, was a drunken shame.

Well you know what they say, karma’s a bitch.

When I finally got my turn, I went into the stall and had to deal with the difficulties of being a girl in a bathroom where sitting down would be an eternal sin. By this point I had to go very very badly… Add in the logistics of squatting in a very enclosed space where there is nothing to hold on to… and the odds are against you.

I guess I must have used a little too much power and simultaneously pulled  my shirt down a little too far as I put my hands on my knees, because what happened in that little box of filth was enough to send anyone into a fit of tears.

Yes, it’s true.

I somehow peed my shirt. The entire bottom half of my shirt was wet, and I had no sink in which to play it off as water. And by making myself the center of attention by making fun of the river pee-er, there was no way I could walk away unnoticed.

So you can see why, after my port o potty pee fail, I really try to avoid them at all costs… for more reasons than one.

Excuse me while I go hang my head in shame.

I had heard so much about Inglorious Basterds, I couldn’t believe it could possibly live up to all the hype.

How very wrong I was. I don’t have the time right now to get out a full review, and I’m still digesting some of the gory details- but at this point in time I must say that this is my favorite film of the year thus far.

It’s just as bloody as everyone says it is, but I think it works. Brad Pitt was excellent as the lead Basterd, bringing out a character like I haven’t seen him do since 12 Monkeys.  Christoph Waltz, a German actor who plays the evil yet cunning antagonist Nazi- Colonel Hanz Landa- really stole the show for me. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say I will shave my head if he doesn’t get an Oscar Nom this year. I’m that sure. I said the same thing about Mickey Rourke last year and Javier Bardem the year before so I’ll go ahead and just make this a tradition of being correct.

My other favorite part of the movie was Eli Roth who plays Donny Donowitz, other wise known as the “Bear Jew” who made a name for himself bashing Nazis heads in with a baseball bat. I know people out there have some hate for Eli Roth, but he is probably one of my favorite people on earth. In case you are unfamiliar, Roth is best known for directing the horror gore movies Cabin Fever and Hostel. He’s most often called a hack, but I tend to think differently. His B style films are intentional, and after watching the director’s commentaries, all of the extras on the dvds, and any interview I could find on the interweb, I’m positive that any time you laughed or have guffawed at a scene in one of his films, he wanted you to feel this way.

Plus he’s a hottie. But that aside, I think you can really see the influence Roth has had on Tarrentino in Ingourious Basterds. But enough about that. All I can really add is that even if you are not a Tarrentino fan, or if you think this looks too much like a “guy” movie for your taste- give this movie a chance, it will blow your mind.

And now I must be going for I have some plans for this evening.

I am now going to admit something to you now, something I usually lie about or promptly change the subject when it comes up. I’ve never seen Pulp Fiction. I know. What in the hell am I doing calling myself a film buff? Its not that I had no desire or anything- its just that sometimes when everyone and their dog says a movie is their favorite of all time, I’m scared that I’ll see it and then to fail to understand what all the love is about. I kind of made a vow never to see this or Saving Private Ryan.  I think now it is time I break my vow, at least the half involving Pulp Fiction.  I loved Inglorious Basterds that much.

I am planning on making one minor adjustment though. I think I’ve been holding back a little, for fear of who may be reading this- and from this moment on- I’m making a vow to blog like no one’s reading. Which should be easy, since at this point- that’s pretty much true.  I also have been pretty bad at writing in my own personal journal, so I’ll use this opportunity to write the stuff that I would write only to myself. If that makes sense.  So, if you don’t give a crap about what happened in my day, then go away. I’ll get over it.

So far, this week has been pretty uneventful. I had kind of fallen off the working out wagon for a couple of weeks, and now I’m back. If you don’t know, I have lost about a bit of weight over the last 2 years- (96 lbs, but who’s counting?) and now I’m not so focused on losing more- but I am bound and determined to finally tone up. It’s either that or I need to find a new job where I actually have health insurance that would cover a tummy tuck that would probably rival that of Kate Gosselin. Note: The previous sentence is the only time in my life where I will ever compare any part of my life to that of any Gosselin.

The last 3 days I’ve actually run-walked (mostly walked) at least 5 miles, and did weights and crunches… and my body feels it. Even my hands are sore from gripping the top of the treadmill so hard. Seriously, it hurts to type. But I’m not risking falling off the treadmill again.

I did have a bit of an unusual situation yesterday. You know how you can put the treadmill on different settings like trainer, fat burner, cardio etc.? Well I usually don’t like to do those settings because they require you to enter your weight, and I don’t particularly want the douche-bag on the weight machine behind me to know just how much more I weigh than him-not that I care what he thinks. I have actually gotten over anyone judging me at the gym. You kind of have to when you accidentally wear a pair of light gray leggings to spin class. (Don’t try and tell me your butt doesn’t sweat…)

Anyway, yesterday I decided to try the fat burner setting on the treadmill. The other problem I have with the settings is that I’ve never had any luck with machines being able to read my heart rate. They either tell me my heart is erratically going from 150 beats per minute to 25 beats per minute, or that I have no heart beat at all. So I was pretty surprised yesterday when I noticed that there was a steady 123 where the words “Need HR” are usually blinking. It didn’t strike me as unusual that I had already met my target heart rate within my first 3 steps on the treadmill.

“Yay, target heart rate! I’m not dying of heart failure!,” were my thoughts, since usually I see my heart rate bottoms out at 14 beats per minute.

As I reluctantly switched the speed from 3.5 to 4.2, I kept a watchful eye on my heart rate. It stayed right around the 123 mark, which was interesting- but I didn’t really think too much about it. I was just happy to know that I had a heart.

After a few minutes I decided to really throw my figurative balls to the wall and raise the speed up to a slow jog, which is the only form of running I will attempt. I watched my heart rate go down to 121 then right back up to 123. It was around this point that I realized that I was running, and my hands weren’t even on the handles.

“Holy crappola! My heart must be so strong that the machine can feel it vibrate through my body!”

There was a short time when my heart rate disappeared completely. I slowed my pace and tried to put my hands on different parts of the treadmill, since I knew through the course of the workout my hands had been anywhere from the handles, to the sides (to hold myself up,) to the top of the treadmill. Just  as the person occupying the treadmill next to me returned from getting a quick drink of water, I quit fondling my treadmill and what do you know? My heart beat returned at about 67 beats per minute and gradually returned to the 123 mark.

I usually like to keep tabs on the time and calories burnt of the people around me (I know it’s not a competition,) so it is kind of surprising that I hadn’t noticed the bald guy next to me had the exact same exact heart rate as I did, until I was cooling down.

You probably think I have something wrong with me but I didn’t make the full connection until I was off the treadmill and the still machine was still showing my heart rate.

Damn digital heart rate monitors.  The only thing I can really say about the fact that I had spent an entire hour on the treadmill focused on watching my heart rate-which was actually the heart rate of the guy beside me- is that it worked as a good distraction. I guess it’s still up in the air as to whether or not I have a heart…

New In Town (DVD)

Starring: Renne Zellweger and Harry Connick Jr

Unless you recently underwent a lobotomy, you really have no excuse for seeing this film. I’m not even sure why I am admitting to watching it myself.  I have seen some really bad rom-coms in my day and this is down there with anything that Jennifer Lopez or Mariah Carey have ever starred in.

In case you are just the tiniest bit curious – the story goes just like you thought it would. ..

(spoilers below)

Snobby executive woman is new in town. Woman meets man and has an intense disagreement while having dinner with a bunch of Minnesotians who affect the worst exaggerated accents you’ve ever heard. Man turns out to be woman’s business partner at the local butter plant. They argue a lot. Woman gets trapped in a snow bank. Man saves woman. Woman and man make out and almost get caught by man’s kid. The business is failing and woman is going to have to fire all of her new friends who work there. Man is angry because those are his friends too. Woman devises plan to save the business by selling her secretary’s tapioca pudding. Man and woman make out in front of the entire plant while all the workers applaud and hug.

There I saved you 90 minutes.

I do have to say that Harry Connick Jr.’s performance was a vast improvement from his WTF portrayal of the anti-social (and possibly mentally challenged?) Daniel in PS I Love You, which I’m also a little embarrassed about seeing. Even more so, I have noooo idea how a copy of this DVD got on my shelf…