OK that’s a lie. But mostly it’s not. I’ve really tried, and I think it’s working. I’ve been going to yoga every night. I’ve been meditating for at least 4 minutes before I start thinking about food. And more than anything, I’ve really kept most negative thoughts abay.

That’s a lie too.

Negative thoughts cross my mind all day long. I don’t know how to stop them. I DO think that I’ve found a solution though. Or at least a temporary fix. It’s simple. Every time I think of something negative, I accept it and then just justify it with something that I do feel positive about.

An example? OK.

You know what really sucks stinky poo?

When you get that dreaded email from your bank saying something like “You have asked to be alerted when your bank account drops below a certain level. It is now below that level.”

FUUUUDDGEEE. Seriously, where does all the money go? I mean I get paid week to week, so I know I can make it.. but still, I’m on a budget yo. I’m gonna have to have a baby for someone or quit buying songs on itunes or SOMETHING!

But you know what makes it all better?

Knowing that I spent my money in a wonderful way. The boo and I literally had our own Deep Ellum pub crawl. We went to every bar in walking distance and only had a drink at each. It added up… but so worth it.

You know what makes me want to kill small children?

When “Mambo No. 5 ” comes on my Pandora. Seriously. I like nothing even remotely close to this song. It hurts my soul and my heart and my brain.

But you know what makes me smile despite the fact that “Mambo No. 5″ has played twice in the last week?

Smile Smile’s new video for “Truth On Tape.” I still love them so much.

[There is a video that cannot be displayed in this feed. Visit the blog entry to see the video.]

You know what makes me want to scream expletives at my grandpa?

Pain. Human pain. Of the physical category.

But you know what makes me want to have Steve Buschemi’s babies?

Knowing that the pain came from a weekend of marathon getting it on. What qualifies as marathon you ask? Nineya yo business.

That and my new tattoo. I’ve always wanted a comedy and tragedy mask tattoo. I think it stems from my long love of the theater and comedy. But now that I’m trying to adapt to this new “positive thinking” style of life, I decided that I wanted something that was a little more positive. I wanted something that I could look at that would remind me how good life is. So I went with this…

You know what makes me want to eat a pound of cheesecake and cry?

The fact that the hair on my foot in this picture makes me look like a man.

But you know what makes that OK?

Nothing. I’m a lazy excuse for a woman. But then again, I think I’m OK with that.

If you’re interested, feel free to check them out- Here, and here… but be warned… in my younger years I was pretty much a really cool kid big huge nerd with a lot of angst. I guess you could say some things never change.

This last weekend I came across a notebook that a few friends and I had used to write notes back and forth to each other back in the early years of  high school.  Reading notes that I wrote in the ninth grade was definitely not the high point in my weekend, but I figure that I have already shared some pretty embarrassing shiz with you guys so what the heck!? It’s actually quite interesting, looking back at that time in my life. I remember simultaneously feeling care-free and yet urgent to fit in and be liked. I wish I could say that I never feel that way now. I wonder if I’ll ever be completely secure…

I have not done any editing to the content, except for names.  Enjoy, but keep in mind that I was in 9th grade at the time, extremely boy crazy, and  thought I was a lot cooler than I actually was.

SOMETIME IN THE 9TH GRADE_____________

Hey friends!!

I thought we could use this notebook so we can keep all our notes together. This is my first note of the semester!

NEways.

Scott Wolf looked soooooooooo fine last night on Party of Five! His dark hair, blue mesmerizing eyes, and Dimples!!! I LOVE HIM!!!

-CJ

_________________________

Ummm… I’m happy for you, but I just don’t agree. However Ken is in real life and is fine. So is Jimmy. But Chris is finer. So is Brett. I wish he live in Waco or at least Texas. I wish Chris didn’t have a boyfriends. I wish he was younger. I wish Jimmy would realize I exsist. I wish Ken wasn’t so horny. Guys suck!

-G

__________________________

Nope! Scott Wolf beats em’ all!

I’m having a crappy day.

-CJ

__________________________

Ken is fine. Go to hell. Scott Wolf is too preppy all American cute boy. He’s too good looking and perfect and I don’t find that attractive. Now that one guy I saw this morning with the gorgeous eyes and goatee I saw this morning is FINE!

-G

____________________

Hakuna Matatatatatatatatatatatata!

This morning Juan came up to talk to me That is the first time he REALLY said anything to me except for stupid things in Spanish class.

Scott Wolf isn’t that fine. I mean in a way, but I really like  Gavin Rosdale so much more.

S’s ideal guy: Curly long hair almost to their shoulders, gorgeous blue eyes, $rich$, muscular but not too mach, plays guitar, can sing like Gavin, sexy voice that could give me an orgasm hahaha ,tall, not too tan, British or Australian accent.

S.

_______________________

How do you think you did on the test? I missed totalitarian I think. Oh well. I can’t believe u didn’t watch Party of 5. it was great!

What about Chris? and who does A. like? I promise I won’t tell anyone!

-CJ

______________________

Man, Gavin is making me so horny right now. haha jk. but he is FINE! I can’t believe you didn’t watch him last night on tv. Also I still don’t care about Scott Wolf. I think I made a 100 on the test, but not sure. I’m reading Gavin’s lyrics right now. This weekend I’m going to play the beginning of Machine Head on my friend’s electric guitar. hahaha

I also still kinda like Chris even though you think he smells. I don’t LIKE the smell of him, but I usually don’t notice… I don’t think he smells today, does he? U tell me because you sit by him. I sent you an email about Chris but I thought you read it. I’ll tell you who she likes but only between you and me.

Also I like that guy’s hair diagonal from you.

-S

_______________________

S,

I like his hair but besides that he is an ugly butt.

G,

Oh gads, 40 minutes til I see him! My Lord! How can I wait that long? HEEELLLLLPPP Meeeeee! Should I just go up to him and say “hey Bobby! You have such a nice ass, body , face and personality. You look especially nice today.”  Hahaha To hell with that. But really, it’s all true! REMEMBER TO TALK TO HIM TODAY. But I know know… what are you gonna say?

WB now!

CJ

______________________

I’m gonna say what I told you I’d say the other day… “Did you call CJ last nite? What do you think of her? So you like her? U gonna ask her out? When?”

And also why are you wearing black sox wih white shoes? Just wondering.

-G.

______________________

Shut up about my black sox! Its a little fashion no-no but I don’t give a damn bc I feel good today, I could fly!! hahaha You are so much taller than Joey! Oh and make sure he knows I’m totally sprung on him and everything. Even if you get a negative response from him like “No I don’t like her and I will never ask her out she is a fat and ugly bitch” Then you still have to tell me…Don’t FORGET OK done talking about him!! I promise!!

-CJ

_____________________

Bitch! shut up hoe, I am not taller we are the same height! I won’t forget! Chill Girfriend. Think 2 yourself, “I am such a pretty, sexy, nice, girl, how could he resist the irresistible?” hahaha Don’t worry he’ll be in love with you no matter what.

-G

_____________________

G WANTS TO SUCK ON JOEYS’S PENIS AND THINKS IT IS SALTY!!!

-CJ

__________________

CJ WANTS TO LICK BOBBY’S NIPPLES!!!

-G

_________________

In case you weren’t entirely sure that I was a complete loser made of awesome, I’ll give you a visual. Looking at it, I would have no idea what kind of image I was attempting to portray, but luckily on the back of the photograph I wrote “slutty pic.”

So glad to clear that up.

As I typed this out, it became more and more apparent that I  am was  extremely obnoxious and lucky that I have had any friends at all. I think I owe everyone I know in real life a huge hug.

Lilu is out of town for a while, but she has provided us with a series of very special TMI Thursday post secret posts. Make sure to check them out…. And for more TMI than you could ever imagine, check out her TMI archives!

I’m doing TMI a little different this week. I have a friend “Moops” who has asked several times for me to talk about him on my blog.

Well sir, I’ll do better than that. You have officially been email roasted. TMI Thursday style.

The following are emails that I copied straight from an email  conversation that happened yesterday afternoon.

I wrote the first email to a group of my friends when I realized I was having a difficult time coming up with a post for today. Moops spent the better part of the afternoon traveling all over the country for work, so didn’t get to check his email until the damage had been done.

Luckily, he’s a good sport. (I hope.)

Hey friends,

Moops has been wanting me to talk about him in my blog for a while… As I am completely brain dead today,I was thinking that you guys could help me out with thinking of a good story.

I know there must be many stories out there that I could tell that would be considered TMI about our friend in question.

The first one that first comes to mind…

Remember when we were calmly talking in the living room, and out of nowhere Moops reached down his pants, into his butt hole and then proceeded to stick his fingers in my mouth???! Just because ” he had an urge!!!”

I almost had to kill myself by ingesting bleach.

I got him back on the river trip though. heeeheehehee

You got anything better?

____________________________________________________________

RE: TMI

FROM: SCUBA

This happened,

Outside the Coventry Apts. Justin met our across the hall neighbors in his tighty whitees.  He then helped the girl carry groceries from her car up flight of stairs in his undees.  He then slipped on the very top concrete stair and all of the groceries went flying out of the sack.  He was bleeding and scrounging for groceries in front of our new girl neighbor in his undees.  Her boyfriend then shows up as this is going on.

________________________________________________________________________

RE:TMI

FROM: CARISSA JADE

Orrrr……….Maybe I should switch gears and tell about the time Scuba pooed his pants. I was such a nice friend and told him I would do his laundry for him. I almost died when I saw the skid lake underwear in the laundry basket.

_______________________________________________________________________

RE: TMI

FROM: LA

How about the time Moops puked on my couch then had to be taken to bed? Fast forward three hours and he comes storming down the stairs yelling at me me. Upon his return back up the stairs he proceeds to trip and stumble back down to the bottom. To top it off, he jumps up, glares and points his finger at me and says, “Yoooooooouuuuuuu”!

_______________________________________________________________________

RE: TMI

FROM: KT

I have a quick couple…

How about the time Moops decided to tell us about his love for couches. He loves them so much that he use to have sex with them, sad but true. Moops use to masturbate by inserting his junk between couch cushions and go to town!

Or how bout the time we went to we walked into an apt. party of people we didn’t even know and Moops drank too much and as usual stripped down to his tightee whitees and the people were so put off they asked us to leave. We do and Moops begins to laugh. Of course we ask “what are you laughing at?” He then pulls out the tube of toothpaste he was so proud to have stolen. His grand revenge for getting kicked out was stealing toothpaste…

Then there is the time that Moops really impressed me. I had just moved in below him and had spoken with him a few times. My roommates were out so I went to go say hi. Moops opens the door and is unquestionably shit faced. We are watching T.V. and I’m telling him a story when he stops me and says “hold on.” He then leans over and pukes the smelliest blach puke onto his carpet, nearly getting it on his boy dog “Jager.” When done he looks at me and says “ok, go on.” Without blinking an eye! Bless his heart!

And then of course there is the time that he asked my somewhat crazy ex-bff to trim his pubes. She then convinces him that he should be blind folded for the event. She did this so pictures could be taken without him knowing. Blindfolded, naked, and holding a beer, Moops let this crazy woman near his manhood with a pair of scissors in her hand! Don’t worry she didn’t hurt him, she just trimmed, but it did make for interesting pics….

__________________________________________________________________________

RE:TMI

FROM: CARISSA JADE

HAHAHA I forgot about some of these! Speaking of the puking (not that there aren’t already enough puking stories) I just remembered about the time that I woke up to find a pile of puke at the foot of my bed. That fool woke up in the middle of the night, stuck his head over the foot of the bed, and then straight up went back to sleep.

The funny thing about that night that he stole the toothpaste, is that I’m pretty sure that was the same night we may or may not have dipped someone’s toothbrush and razors into the toilet. Oops.

Oh. And my favorite… (which really needs it’s own post) The night he peed my bed, thank goodness I was on the futon that night (poor shae) That wasn’t really even the bad part. He took the down comforter home and promised to wash it. Three weeks later I go to his loft and that thing was was in his closet with all the other “clean” blankets… and sure nufff …it had never been washed.

And KT. When you get a chance, you must send me those pube cutting pics. I have no idea what happened to my copy. I know it was in my glove compartment for a while- though I have absolutely no idea as to why…

______________________________________________________________________

RE:TMI

FROM: MOOPS

Wow, all of this makes me sound like a really great guy!  I’ll get abnoxiously drunk, puke, piss your bed, might fuck your couch and I might ask you to get some of those hard to reach pubes.  I want to hang out with me!!

Scuba,  speaking of fucking things this one is for you…

I believe this story epitomizes TMI.  This came out of one of those story telling sessions where everyone was boozed up enough to share stories from their sexual past, the story didn’t necessarily have to involve another person, solo acts were admissible.  I’m on a plane and I don’t want the guy next to me to see what I’m writing so I have to make it quick.

So it begins, Scuba, the horny young thing that he was went about the house looking for objects he could have intercourse with, nothing too disturbing or out of the ordinary yet, right?  On his quest for pleasure a furry young thing catches his eye, why of course, what better sexual companion than your favorite over stuffed teddy bear (it might have been a panda).  But hmmm, how to make this lustful encounter logistically possible?  Cut a hole in it!  With near surgical precision (I’m sure) Scuba proceeds to cut a hole ample enough to receive his penis.  Then,  he fucked the teddy bear.

The funniest part is that his mom found the stuffing from the procedure; he told her that a kid down the street went into a rage and stabbed his bear.  So to this day if that neighbor kid is ever mentioned his mom says something to the effect of “ oh that so and so , he’s the one who stabbed your poor teddy.”

_______________________________________________________________________

RE: TMI

FROM: KT

It was a cow and he shared that story the same night you shared you love for couch cushions

_____________________________________________________________

RE: TMI

FROM: CARISSA JADE

hahaha ok, thanks guys. I’m gonna have to use all of this…

______________________________________________________________________________

Oh yes, in case you were wondering… my friends definitely put the ass in class. Have a wonderful day!

I actually didn’t even make it in to work today until about 1pm, though not out of any choice of my own.

If you’ve been keeping up with my life, (and why wouldn’t you be?) you would know that my windshield wipers have been broken for about 3 months now. I know I should have been proactive and gotten them fixed back when they quit working… but it’s one of those things that I actually only remember that I need to do, when it is raining. Plus it costs money. And also, it’s been just one more easy excuse as to why I cannot be the designated driver.

This weekend I decided to make an impromptu trip to Ft. Worth during a break in the rain. I put a lot of rain-ex on the windshield-which seems to work fine as long as it is only coming down in sprinkles. I made it there just fine, but as soon as I parked in my friend’s driveway-the sky decided to take a huge, never ending crap on my weekend… It literally didn’t stop raining until late Sunday night. And as a result I literally did not get off the couch for over 24 hours- except to pee and to refill my glass of wine.

So Sunday I decided that if I ever wanted to make it home, I would have to suck it up and take my car into the only shop that is open on Sundays, Pep Boys..aka Rapists.

Of course they didn’t have the part to the wiper motor that they needed so I had to wait until noon today to get my car back, and make the trek to work in Frisco. What a beating.

Over $200 later, I am happy to finally be able to drive in the rain without having to do so Ace Ventura style, but I’m just waiting to see which part of my Shitty Shitty Bang Bang car will decide to quit on me next.

A few other things that are annoying me today:

*Kanye West you are a freaking moron. I hate your music and it makes me furious that people of this world are ignorant enough to make you rich.

*I love the fact that my bank account sends me daily emails to let me know my account is still in positive standing. I loathe the ones they send me to let me know that my account has dipped below that positive standing. I just got one today.

*I actually don’t mind the rain… but it really makes me want to go home and put on pj’s and watch tv. It definitely doesn’t make me want to go home and put on gym clothes then drive to the gym and work out for an hour.

*I’ve been thinking about it this afternoon,  and though I don’t really love the show in the first place, Hung had a really really shitty season finale- and I don’t think I want to watch it next season.

However; not all is crappy. This Thursday It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia returns on FX, and I really just cannot contain my excitement! That coupled with the fact that So You think You Can Dance is already back on, I can continue making my evenings chopped full of slovenly activity.

I don’t know why I have such a hatred for these beastly animals. I think it may have something to do with the fact that every single day I come home, and the cup of water that I leave by my bed every night (bc I’m allowed to do that) is knocked over by one of my roommate’s cats who tried that head in the cup of water thing. I am telling you first hand that it is not cute finding water spilt all over my book, daily.

Or maybe it has something to do with the fact that last week I came home to find a cat locked in my closet, and I still haven’t been able to rid my clothes of that putrid nasty ammonia  smell of cat pee.

Or maybe the feeling comes from the time, years ago- when I came home to find my college roommate’s cat on the floor of my bedroom, pawing my Beta fish, which had been in a bowl on the very top bookshelf. My roommate, by the way; kept her Beta fish out in the open on the kitchen table- and it never got almost eaten.

It could just be from the fact that it really makes me mad that cats don’t let me hold them. How can an animal be considered “cute” and “a great pet” if it won’t even cuddle with you?If it won’t greet you at the door and pee on your foot in excitement?

Blerg, now I really miss my dog- Princess Stella Rosita Devito Tootsie Bertha Brown.

My Stella Bear

Now that is a cute animal. I’ll post some really abnoxious videos soon.

Now  PLEASSEEEE quit with the kitty posts!!! I’m losing my mind!!!!

And I do have a heart, by the way. Feel free to email me cute  forwards of dogs, monkeys, rats, snakes, zombies, or poop. I enjoy all of those.

6:40 am: alarm goes off. I hit snooze.

6:45am: repeat

6:50am: repeat

6:55am: repeat

7:00am: repeat

7:05am, 7:10am, 7:15am: repeat, repeat, repeat

7:16am: a private moment in the restroom… and brush my teeth at the same time. Then hop back into bed.

7:20am-ish: Flip onThe Today Show…Grab the clothes i left in a pile next to my bed. Get dressed while trying to stay under the blankets. Throw hair in a ponytail. Using spit and the inside of my shirt, I wipe the black from under my eyes. Take the make up bag and mirror left strategically next to my bed, and smear on some eyeliner. Notice I just got completely ready- in bed.

7:27am: Let out a loud, annoyed sigh and get out of bed. I walk/run into the kitchen and grab a lean cuisine, a protein bar, and a cup of joe.

7:35am: Jump in the car and take off.

7:38am: Reverse, run back into the house and grab whatever I happened to forget. eg. Phone, ipod, book, gymclothes.

8:10am: Arrive at work, late.

8:15am-10:20am.: Check facebook approx. 9 times. IMDB whatever movie I watched the night before, Gchat and email with the girlfriends to discuss our boredom. All with my firefox screen shrunk down to the size of a post it.

10:20am-11:30am: Open and close files. Stare at computer screen.

11:30am-12:30pm: Lunch time! I can finally surf the net in the open. Eat a lean cuisine. As. slow. as. possible.

12:30pm-5:00pm: see the 10:20-11:30 time slot above.

5:00pm: I smile, and leave.

5:30pm: Gym. (usually) Listen to podcast whilst working out.

7:00pm: Spend about 1 hour walking aimlessly around grocery store. If I go into Central market go ahead and tack on another hour and a half.

8:00pm: Eat something.

8:20pm: Feel guilty about ruining my workout with whatever I ate. Open a bottle of wine to cease my guilt.

9:00pm: Shower. (usually)

9:05pm-10:45pm: Sit in front of computer while listening to whatever my roommates are watching. Sometimes I get to watch what I want to watch…

10:45pm: pop a unisom.

Sometime before 1:00am: sleep, if I’m lucky.

I hope you enjoyed my really fucking exciting life. Can’t wait to do it again tomorrow.