It’s here, in full force.

And no I’m not talking about football season. In fact, while all of  you other humans out there are getting pumped up about football season, I’m going to spend all of my time preparing for Movie Award Season, which begins later this fall.

As much as I love Movie Award Season, it is still only my second favorite season in the world.

I’m usually afraid to tell people what my favorite season is. When asked I usually say something boring like “Hatch Green Chili” season (which just happened) or “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” on tv season… and while both of these are near and dear to my heart, neither of them hold the number one spot.

Nope. The winner clearly goes to Hurricane Season. It usually goes to Tornado season, but since this year we got abso-lutely nothing… I’m really on the storms o’ tropical for my adrenalin fix.

Does that make me a horrible, evil witchy woman?

I mean… I would never wish tragedy or death upon anyone, but it’s exciting from afar.

It’s not really fair, I know. Here I am, 5 hours away from any of the real damage… but we still get some good storms out of it. This week was the perfect example. I basically had to swim to work. I ran to my car and back and looked like I had just been old school river-babtised. It didn’t stop storming until last night, and by late afternoon I started trying to channel Helen Hunt.

And I loved every second of it.

Like I said before, I hate to hear about people getting hurt, but it is so much fun to watch these storms do some damage. I was glued to the TV yesterday watching a tornado touch down in downtown Dallas. I want to be there, taping that in person. I swear, one day I will. I’m scared to death of sky diving, and I doubt I would ever get on the back of a motorcycle, but I would pay $5,000 to go on a storm chasing tour.

I always get so jealous of my friends who live in Houston. A couple of years when Ike struck the coast, they were all holed up in one house, with nothing but an ice chest full of beer and a few guns… in case there was looting going on. They would call us every few hours as to give us-up-to date reports on the wind and how they shot at street signs. Sounds dangerous, right? But I wannnnaaaa. I get all giddy about the possibility of a tornaduh… I can’t imagine what I would feel if I was in a real life hurricane!

Also? There is always some quality comedy footage that comes out of their footage.

Por Ejemplo:

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 I blame my love/hate relationship with violent storms on my cousin, andigayle.

I may have mentioned this before, but when we were young, we learned that a tornado sounds just like an approaching train. Well just so happens, you could hear a train from my back yard every afternoon. Everytime we had a little bit of a breeze going on, she would yell tornado… then run inside and lock the door… leaving me crying and beating on the door as she exclaimed from the other side that she “can’t get it open!”

But to this day, I love her for that. Like a lot of the things I love most (ketchup, scary movies), my love of storms came from her torture.

OK that’s a lie. But mostly it’s not. I’ve really tried, and I think it’s working. I’ve been going to yoga every night. I’ve been meditating for at least 4 minutes before I start thinking about food. And more than anything, I’ve really kept most negative thoughts abay.

That’s a lie too.

Negative thoughts cross my mind all day long. I don’t know how to stop them. I DO think that I’ve found a solution though. Or at least a temporary fix. It’s simple. Every time I think of something negative, I accept it and then just justify it with something that I do feel positive about.

An example? OK.

You know what really sucks stinky poo?

When you get that dreaded email from your bank saying something like “You have asked to be alerted when your bank account drops below a certain level. It is now below that level.”

FUUUUDDGEEE. Seriously, where does all the money go? I mean I get paid week to week, so I know I can make it.. but still, I’m on a budget yo. I’m gonna have to have a baby for someone or quit buying songs on itunes or SOMETHING!

But you know what makes it all better?

Knowing that I spent my money in a wonderful way. The boo and I literally had our own Deep Ellum pub crawl. We went to every bar in walking distance and only had a drink at each. It added up… but so worth it.

You know what makes me want to kill small children?

When “Mambo No. 5 ” comes on my Pandora. Seriously. I like nothing even remotely close to this song. It hurts my soul and my heart and my brain.

But you know what makes me smile despite the fact that “Mambo No. 5″ has played twice in the last week?

Smile Smile’s new video for “Truth On Tape.” I still love them so much.

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You know what makes me want to scream expletives at my grandpa?

Pain. Human pain. Of the physical category.

But you know what makes me want to have Steve Buschemi’s babies?

Knowing that the pain came from a weekend of marathon getting it on. What qualifies as marathon you ask? Nineya yo business.

That and my new tattoo. I’ve always wanted a comedy and tragedy mask tattoo. I think it stems from my long love of the theater and comedy. But now that I’m trying to adapt to this new “positive thinking” style of life, I decided that I wanted something that was a little more positive. I wanted something that I could look at that would remind me how good life is. So I went with this…

You know what makes me want to eat a pound of cheesecake and cry?

The fact that the hair on my foot in this picture makes me look like a man.

But you know what makes that OK?

Nothing. I’m a lazy excuse for a woman. But then again, I think I’m OK with that.

Anyway, back to you… I am hoping I will eventually catch up to all 900 or so unread posts on my reader… but I’m thinking it may take a while.

This weekend was kind of insane. On Saturday I got to catch up with a bunch of my college sorority friends at a baby shower.  (Love you Lydia and little Oliver who will be born sometime in the next 10 days) I’m usually terrified of situations that have anything to do with babies… mostly because babies scare the hell out of me. But besides the slight panic attack that I had in Babies R Us whilst trying to get someone to help me figure out what a Diaper depot was and where in this freak house of miniature things it might be found, I had a pretty rockin time.

I got all Martha Stewart on your asses and even made cream cheese tortilla rolls for the second event this month. I completely forgot to add salsa, which is apparently a major ingredient, but no one  said anything if they noticed.

I think the most shocking moment for everyone was probably when I held one of my friend’s babies. I did have to sit down first in the style of a 10 year old… but it wasn’t even such a terrifying experience. I actually really liked holding her. I had to admit  that babies are kind of cute and soft and I kind of started wanting to eat her up… or at least pet her obsessively. That came out a lot creepier than I meant it. What I’m trying to say is that- while I still don’t have baby fever in any way shape or form, maybe I shouldn’t be so scared of hanging out with my mommy friends a little more often.

We also drank a whole lot of champagne. I haven’t been to many baby showers, but I am quickly finding out that they even though the preggers guest of honor can’t drink, it’s perfectly appropriate for everyone else to. Afterward, a few of us hit the streets of our college town, and basically didn’t stop until around 10:30 on Sunday night. We gave Sunday Funday a whole new meaning, which basically led to a pretty miserable Monday. Except for one part…

Yeah I know what you’re thinking, because I was thinking it to.

With all these Oscar-worthy movies coming out in the last week or so, why would I go see Roland Emmerich prove to the world that his dick is smaller than Michael Bay’s?

For one, I had to get at least one more popcorn-blockbuster-type movie in before I start spending most of my free time in the Angelika, watching foreign and arthouse-ish type films through January.

Also, I actually like really really like end-of -the-the-world-shit-blowing-up-disaster type films. Who doesn’t? If you say you didn’t like Independence Day, I’m so calling bullshit. And not just because Bill Pullman pretty much made the sexiest-voiced president ever in a film. These type of movies do exactly what they set out to do, and that is to entertain and get you excited. Yeah yeah yeah, I admit that it was essentially one near death experience after another, but it definitely kept me on my toes. I spontaneously decided to forgo the gym and go see it by myself after work, but if someone would have been with me I probably would have spent the second half of the movie punching them in the arm.

I was planning on writing a full-on movie review, but I knew what that would turn into…

A post about nothing except for my love for John Cusack, and that can get old really fast. Just ask anyone that knows me in real life.

But seriously. I love the man… skewed political opinions and all. I don’t know what it is about this guy, but just seeing him on the screen makes me all giddy and butterflies in the stomach and all that nonsense that the thirteen year old me felt when opening up a Tiger Beat magazine that featured a pin up of Brad Renfro.

In complete honesty, I would probably love any movie that this man was in, (with the exception of The Contract, because that movie just sucked balls) and I completely blame John Cusack for the fact that I have spent the better part of my life single. How can a girl settle down with someone unless he shows up at your window with a boom-box and professes his love to through the musical stylings of Peter Gabriel? I’m still waiting!

And the thing that gets me the most about him is that he’s just so damn average. He’s good looking in a “guy that you see in your local grocery store” sort of way…  He usually plays these average down and out cynical characters, that are passionate about books and movies and music… but the dude always wins… and you really want him to.

2012 is no exception. I would much rather see the John Cusack continuously narrowly escape being blasted by fire balls and falling into the earth than Brad Pitt or George Clooney. You know they’ll escape. I would rather watch John Cusack do anything on the screen. Speaking of my favorite award night of the year, how has this man never been nominated?

See what I’ve done here? And I must stop. Mostly because I may need to change my panties.

Don’t be surprised if the next time you come here there is John Cusack wallpaper on my background. I will go there.

But until then… I’ve missed you and go see 2012!!! Now!

I want to preface this with the fact that I am well aware that what I’m doing on this blog may not interest you in the tiniest bit. You may have come across this page and criticized my writing, or wonder why the fuck I think anyone would care about the fact that I had yet another “shitting myself” dream. And  that’s cool with me. I really couldn’t care less about your judgment of me; therefore feel  no less guilt about judging others.

Which brings me to what I hate today: Food blogs.

I  want to be clear what I mean by “Food Blogs.” I am not talking about recipe or cooking blogs that serve a purpose in explaining how to make and present meals… Or even food review blogs, where people tell me what I should order. I’m talking about  the people who have a personal blog, and don’t have anything more  interesting to share with the world, other than what they ate for their last meal. If you’ve never come across one of these blogs, just browse any blog directory and you are sure to find one within the first ten minutes of browsing. In fact, I’m pretty sure the “blog world” is comprised of about 30% foodie blogs, 40% mommy blogs, 20% blogs about blogging and other technical shit, and about 10% of the blogs are in the miscellaneous category.

Here is an example of how a Food Blog post might look.

____________________________________________________________________________

This week I’m trying to save money and avoid the rain so I decided to eat lunch at my desk. Thank goodness I remembered to grab my lunch on the way out. I also decided that today I’m going to eat healthy. We’ll see if that decision will hold true until dinner time!

I decided to start with Apples and Cinnamon Oatmeal, my favorite!!!

I washed it down with a Diet Coke! I wish it was a real one, but I already had 2 cokes for breakfast (see last post) so I’m trying to be good!

Then I ate a yummy apple! EE gads!!  That’s a lot of apple products for one day!!! What I wouldn’t do for a camel apple sucker!!

For desert I had a Dark chocolate pudding cup! Delicious and only like 100 calories!

But I was STILL Hungry!!! MMMmmm string cheese! Light! only about 3 of these fills me up! hehehe

Cinnamon trident gum is my favorite! I usually have at least half a package a day!!!

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Ok so maybe the average “Food Blog” is a little more interesting than this, but they still get on my nerves. And I know people read them! My best friend probably reads food blogs more than she reads mine.

Maybe I’m just jealous that people are eating things that are so much more interesting than I eat.

Or maybe they just plain suck.

bent down to pick it up,

I noticed its head was showing

So I thought I’d have good luck.

I put it in my pocket

and headed on my way

but on the road I walked by a man

who said “its not your day.”

With gun in hand, he took my purse

and searched it for some cash-

He took my money, cards, and watch,

that’s when I saw his rash.

As he walked off I had to puke

For then I did realize

that his bumpy, red and oozing arm

had grazed across my thigh.

I rushed right home to take a bath,

but when I rose from bed-

I felt the bumps and wished that I

had found a dime instead.

One year it was my birthday

I hadn’t got a call

I sat depressed, that’s when I felt

I had no friends at all.

But then I heard a knocking

from someone at the door-

I thought with glee that Someone cares!

my day I can restore.

But when the door was open

I found that they had flown-

but left a box that clearly said

“Happy Birthday” from “unknown.”

Too dumb to feel suspicion

I looked what was inside

“What luck!” I thought “A rabbits foot!”

I couldn’t hide my pride.

With my ego now repaired-

I went out on my own

to a pub right in my neighborhood

and sat up on a throne.

The beers went down like water,

the liquor fogged my head-

Got up too quick to use the loo

and tripped on my own leg.

The world was dark for quite a while

but soon I knew the truth-

my mouth was filled with streaming blood

and not just from one tooth

A hand reached down to help me up

I saw to my surprise-

It was my love from long ago

a man who I despise.

I sobered up real quickly-

not from pain but from my grief

For who was right beside him?

his new wife with all her teeth.

One day as I sat reading

I found a clover leaves of four.

I thought I must be seeing things

so I counted them once more.

I pulled the clover from the ground

and pressed it in my book

If I had known what it would bring

This clover I would not have took.

I then resided reading

but only for a while-

I heard a rustle in a bush

that made me jump about a  mile.

I breathed in deep and clutched the book

that held my good luck charm

for what was running towards me

was a reason for alarm.

It was a man all clad in green

I froze in my appall

at the speed which he was moving

For he was only three feet tall!

I turned and started running

away from my nightmare

but the little man was at my heels

I quickly said a prayer.

Soon the lad did trip me

and snickered as he said-

“I must cut off all you hair now!”

and he took me by the head.

I tried to make a protest

and I tried to get away

but the little mite had quite a grip

and snipped with no delay

He left me there alone and bald

ashamed to tell my friends-

that all because I took a plant

and failed to make amends

A leprechaun took all my hair

my worth and dignity

Oh how I wish the that clover had

only leaves of three!