The first pet that I (or technically my parents) had when I was a child was a Mutt named Mudd. I really don’t remember Mudd very well, but I have heard the story countless times of how Mudd bit me and they had to give her away. I never really held the fact that she bit me against her. The bone (haha) I had to pick with her is the fact that my “porn name” (first pet+childhood street’s name) was horrible, partly due to the fact that her name was “Mudd.”

Mudd Oakview, to be exact. Now that’s not very porny now is it?

But I digress. After Mudd, we had a Brittany Spaniel named Copper, who I loved dearly. She had a penchant for escaping our backyard and got ran over when I was still in Elementary school, and I was devastated.

After Copper passed away, my parents got another Brittany named Cedar, and I got a couple of my very own  mice- Hershey and Snowflake. It was around this time that I began to spend many of my afternoons hanging out at the neighborhood pet store- chatting with the owner and gazing into cages as snakes swallowed mice whole and Guinea Pigs hid in giant plastic tubes. My best friend and I even formed our very own “Animal Club,” where we would read books about animals and discuss our favorite species. I know what your thinking. And yes, I have always been this cool.

My pet “collection” began to grow at a very rapid pace. We got a Red Spectacled Amazon Parrot, who loved Cheetos but was bald because another bird plucked all of his feathers out. We got an iguana named Spike, who enjoyed whipping his tail at me if I tried to hold him. We had a box turtle (Strawberry Shortcake) who either got ran over in my backyard or eaten by my dog,  I can’t remember. We had an evil Sugar Glider named Sprite who would make this awful hissing sound every time I tried to get him out of his cage, and then he would proceed to fly on top of the curtain or to some other surface that I couldn’t reach where he would sit for days. On top of that, we had several frogs (I don’t remember their names,) a few other lizards, a couple parakeets (Blanco and Shreck,) a cockatiel, several hamsters that were all named Gizmo, a few fish tanks of fish both bought and caught with a sane at the farm.  Eventually the 2 little mice  procreated and so on, until we had at least 30. Needless to say, there were times when my room was quite smelly.

With each new addition, I would have a 3 month or so obsession over my new pet, until I set my sights on a new species and my attention would slowly wane.It wasn’t that I loved the pets any less, I just have always had a short attention span and I like to spread my love over a variety of different animals.

By the time I left for college, all of my pets with the exception of my sister’s beloved toy poodle with an under bite, BB, had either been given away, had died, or had been let go at my farm. I still remember the day that I looked around my room and noticed that my 30 mice and the many cages with plastic tubes connecting them were missing. I started crying and asked my dad what happened to them. He told me they had all died… which I believed for a few days until my sister told me that he had let them go at the farm. ***The same devastating thing happened with the rat that my parent’s inherited from me when I moved into a house with a bunch of cats, just a few months ago.

The first few years of college I was content with not owning an animal of my own. Most of my attention was spent on my new friends and drinking copious amounts of alcohol. There was no way I would have been able to remember to clean out a hamster cage or coddle a bird.

One day a friend of mine decided that she wanted a dog and recruited me to go with her to the local humane society to help her pick one out. A few of us crowded into her Jeep and got ready to talk her out of anything too crazy. It was my first time in a pound in many years, and I had no idea that it would hurt so bad to see so many dogs who needed homes. We walked down the caged hallways and I stopped at each cage to stick my fingers through and pet each puppy dog on the nose as I read to see how much time they had left before they would be put down.

This was when she was skinny.

I still remember the yelping. It was high pitched and painful. I looked around to see what kind of animal could be capable of making such a sound. I made my way down the row until I found her.

She was up on her short hind legs, and she was shaking… probably from the pain that her own screech caused her ears. She was skinny, and had a head that was much too large for her body. My friends all crowded around holding their ears, proclaiming that “that” was the ugliest dog they had ever seen.

As soon as we caught eyes I knew. It was an instant connection. I knew with certainty that there was no one else in the world who would want such a creature.

I asked permission to have a few moments with the Franken-puppy. The lady who worked at the pound seemed a little surprised, but she obliged. She told me that she was most likely a mix of Pit Bull and Dachshund, with perhaps a bit of Shar-pei. The weird little dog shook her butt violently as the lady put her on a leash and led her to the waiting area. After only a few minutes of holding the dog in my lap, I had made my decision. I told the lady that I needed to run out to my car to get my check book (yes check book) so that I could pay the $10.00 for the puppy. (What a bargain!!!)

As soon as I opened the door to go out to the parking lot, my new dog bolted and took off in a sprint across the field nearby. I took off after her, and yelled the first thing that came to mind: “STELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAA.”

Stella smiling with my sis

And so my new Picasso puppy had a name.

The first few months with Stella were a disaster. I kept her a secret from my parents while I attempted to potty train her and keep her from eating too many containers of roach poison. Stella ate everything and anything plastic, much like her momma. (What? I like chewing on pens!) She wet the floor every five minutes, and wouldn’t stop with the screech-bark. We had a couple close-calls with a razor and a few dozen Christmas ornaments, and I spent at least 30 minutes everyday chasing her around the neighborhood.

Eventually, as Stella and I grew closer and my patience grew stronger, she started learning how to behave- and I learned how to deal with her. We grew inseparable. She was literally my best friend.

My Stella bear and I on Christmas

A couple years ago I moved into a place where I couldn’t bring a dog. I had to take her back to my parent’s house for the time-being. I know, you are probably all thinking I’m a horrible Dog-Mom, but I swear to you this isn’t the case. I miss my puppy dog every day. More than getting home-sick, I get Stella-sick.

Lately, more so than ever. I had been contemplating bringing her to live with me when I move in a couple weeks, but she has spent the last few months out at the farm with my dad and her new best friend Penny, and now I think she really loves being a farm dog. Plus I think my dad really needs her right now.

My sister took this pic of my brave farm dog scaring off a cow!

I’m starting to have that “need-to-have-a-pet-itch” again, but now I’m worried that there are no other animals that will fulfill that void besides my Stella-bear. Who else could make me smile with their short little legs? Their Danny Devito body? Their dramatic personality!? (Stella cries like a baby when she gets a sticker in her foot, but I don’t blame her!)

What should I do??? Maybe get a Ferritt? A guinea pig?? Another pound puppy?

***SOBBB***

I  miss STELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

I think my dad and I are going to have to work out some sort of joint-custody arrangement.

Really my whole point is, there is a reason the Westminster dog show isn’t open to mixed-breeds… and that’s because Princess Stella Rosita Devito Tootsie Bertha Brown Jr. would win every year.

My boyfriend John Cusack would say the same, I’m sure.

As Lilu always says: ***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

Make sure you check out Lilu’s site, and check out her TMI Thursday archives for all sorts of hilarity!

Last week I gave you a video blog of all the things in the world that make me want to vomit.

This past weekend I was reminded of one that I left out… a very important one.

A  little back story.

Sometimes I can’t believe my friend A, is my friend. While she is one of the most fun and awesome people that I know, she is definitely more of a lady than some of my other friends. I could probably think of a ton of TMI stories about most of my friends, but not many about her.

Of course there was that time on her wedding day that I literally had to perform my Maid of Honor doodies and wipe her ass because her dress was too poofy to do it herself.

But that’s a different story for another day.

So last Saturday, my friend A and went out and got a little crazy. We met up with a bunch of our friends for a Birthday shenanigan… eventually I passed out, she woke me up and peeled my head off of the coffee table that I had passed out on (like she always does,) and we went back to her house where I slept on a little couch (while there was a big bed 40 feet away) with my legs propped up.

The next morning I woke up feeling surprisingly chipper. I was ready for a bloody mary and to start the whole adventure again.

She didn’t feel so great.

I could tell from the queezy look on her face, and because I kept finding her sprawled out on the cold tile floor, that she really wasn’t feeling it.

But like I said, she’s a trooper, and decided to join me for day two of drinktivities.

I think I’ve told you this before, but I rarely drive. I’m not very good at it, my car is a disaster… and frankly I get even 10 times more nervous when other people are in my car. Sunday morning, I had no choice in the matter. A’s car was at the bar that we were returning to, and we had no other way of getting there besides my car.

Before A got in my car, I tried my best to brush all the wrappers, empty McDonalds coffee cups, and loose change out of the passenger seat. I turned the ipod onto the calmest music I could find, and I told myself over and over “don’t be jerky, drive smooth,” as I could see that the girl was capable of tossing her cookies at any moment.

After a few seconds of being on the road- she switlyy put her foot up on the dashboard. She said it was because Dashboard Jesus was vibrating all over the place and it was making her nauseous.

Understandable.

After a few more seconds I could see that A was taking very deep breaths. She unrolled the window to get some fresh, freezing air.

I stiffened my shoulders and didn’t say a word.

The rest of the drive continued in this matter.

Just as our destination was in site, the mood shifted. A’s breaths grew quicker and more desperate. As I was pulling up, I could see A digging around through all the empty water bottles and papers and she came up with a plastic bag. At first I thought it was for her to breathe into, but then I remembered you’re supposed to do that with paper bags.

And then it started.

“Blerrrrrrghgggjgjjggjgj”

Oh no. She vommed.

I turned my head out the drivers side window and tried to imagine John Cusack riding toward me on a white horse. Wasn’t working.

With every lurch I could feel my body tighten. My senses were working on overload. The “blaerrethhrrrsaasrrsschhh” sound of wretched vomiting hit my ears like a tornado siren. The sound of the vom hitting the plastic baggy reminded me of a really fat person jumping slow-mo on a jumbo-tron. And in the split second that I looked over to make sure it was landing in the bag, the chunks that flew out of her mouth reminded me of the time that I ran into a glass door while carrying 2 gallons of curdled milk/old beer mixture) and it exploded all over my face. (Also another story)

I could feel my mouth starting to water and my arms start to shake. I tried to put it all out of my brain but the sounds, the smell…. it just wasn’t working!!

Queue in the dry heaves. “Blerrrrrrccchhhh”

I giggled thinking it was just a sympathy heave.

“blerrrrrrcccchhh” Ok maybe not so much.

I opened my door, and for the next ten minutes, A barfed into that plastic bag, while I heaved out the drivers side door. When I was finally able to compose myself, I looked at A and we both had tears in our eyes. Not a word was said. She wiped her hands on her pants, gathered that walmart bag that luckily didn’t have any holes in it, and took it to the dumpster. I wiped my lips and took a couple more deep breaths.

I suppose it could have been worse…

A said she would meet me at the next bar… and she did. The Drinktivities continued on for another 5 hours without another glitch. We didn’t speak of our barf-o-rama at the time… and we probably won’t mention it again until I get married and she pays me back for the vomit story that I told in my maid of honor speech at her wedding.

But it happened. And it was Legend- wait for it- dary.

Love you A!!!

If you have been here more than once, there is a good chance you already feel that you know too much about me. Regardless, I’m not really feeling the creative juices a-flowing this morning, so I figure I’ll fall back on a meme… Plus I haven’t done one yet, and I really like to talk about myself.

1. Jade is actually my middle name. But Jaded is actually  an emotion that I often feel.

2. My dog Stella is half dachshund and half pit bull, with a little shar pei thrown in. I have no idea how she was made.

3. I got to book 3 of the Twilight series and book 4 of Harry Potter. I guess I’m a quitter. But I’ve read every Ann Rice and Stephen King book ever written.

4. Holy shit, I’m on number for of this list, and it is way harder to come with stuff than I thought it would be.

5. My favorite food in the world is mandarin oranges and cheese. I also really like blue applesauce.

6. It has been a few months since my last show, but I have been doing improv for over 5 years.

7. I once owned a pet sugar glider, but it was never very nice so I gave it away.

8. I once owned over 30 mice at once, but they smelled so bad my dad eventually let them out at my parents ranch.

9. I recently owned a pet rat named Bogart, but my dad let that one go too.

10.  I wrecked my first car into my house before I even got my license.

11. My second car was an 89 Cutlass Supreme Oldsmobile. It had no speedometer, no antenna, and no air conditioning.

12. My car’s name was Cuddy.

13. I have seen While You were Sleeping over 50 times.

14. I’ve lost 100 lbs in the last 2 years.

15. My first major in college was dance.

16. I was also RTVF and Public Relations before I finally decided to get my degree in Creative Writing.

17. Once I drink a little bit, I think I can rap and sing.

18.  My go-to karaoke song is Total Eclipse of the Heart, Old School style.

19.  I grew up only taking baths. I didn’t have a shower in my bathroom, and I still prefer to take a bath when possible.

20. I have a bad habit of leaving empty shampoo bottles in the shower. I know that drives my roommate crazy, but I still leave them there thinking I can squeeze a little more out.

21. I also open squeeze my toothpaste from the middle.

22. I live with one girl and a gay guy couple. I have no pets here but between them they have 3 dogs and 2 cats.

23. I have lived in 8 houses in the last 10 years.

24. I was almost a contestant on The Biggest Loser. I went all the way to the sequestering level in LA.

24. They wanted me to cry more on camera. I refused.

25. I put ketchup on everything…

26. And I keep a bottle of Tabasco sauce in my purse.

27. If you have an accent and I’m talking to you, chances are I’ll accidentally start trying to do your accent, horribly.

28. I have kept a diary in some form since I was about 7.

29.I grew up across the street from my grandparents,  and I am very blessed to have them in my lives.

30. I still don’t like my arms or legs to fall over the side of the bed, for fear of whatever might be under my bed.

31. I have a fear of boogers. I will literally throw up if someone wipes one on me or I see one hanging out of someone’s nose.

32. I have an addiction to iced  tea. I like un-sweet tea with lemon the best.

33. Unless I’m at my grandparent’s house. In that case, I use sugar, mint and lemon… and always out of a turquoise glass.

34. My favorite toys when I was growing up included crayons (not to color with, but to make them talk to each other.)

35. Although I got my degree in English, I am sometimes  pretty careless with my grammar.

36. If I could meet anyone dead or alive, it would probably be Gene Kelly.

37. I hate hate hate Nickelback.

38. Chad Kroeger, the lead singer of Nickelback once told me “fuck you” because I didn’t recognize him and asked him to take a picture of my friend and I. He thought I wanted him in the picture with us. He was way wrong.

39. I’m pretty outgoing in real life, but I am a horrible public speaker. I hate mc-ing shows, and can only do it if I create a character to speak in.

40. I have one chin hair that keeps coming back. That’s a lie. There are two.

41. I know the lyrics to every Beatles song ever written.

42. I also know the lyrics to every NSYNC song ever written.

43. I met Joey from NSYNC 4 times in my life. The first time he asked to see my boobies. I considered doing it, until he said he was kidding.

44. I’m the type of girl who cries at Hallmark commercials.

45. I have also seen every single Lifetime Christmas movie.

46. The Jerk is one of my favorite movies in the world and I can probably recite the whole movie.

47. I still like to build forts in my living room.

48. I’m deathly afraid of dying in a car accident and I really freak out when I’m next to an 18 wheeler on the highway. This may stem from the fact that I didn’t drive on a highway until I was 21.

49. I still have no idea how to use WordPress, or how to add apps or widgets to my site.

50. I don’t really like smooshy food consistencies.

51. I am a one stripe leg shaver. Basically, I’m 3 phases away from ape-dom.

52. I have always really wanted to own a pet monkey. I got my sugar glider because I needed to satisfy my pet urge and owning monkeys are illegal.

53. When I paint my own nails, I say that a kid that I was babysitting did it. I’m that bad.

54. I once talked my sister into eating snails and dog food.

55. Until about 3 years ago, my diet consisted solely of cheese and crackers and sausage biscuits.

56. I really wish I was talented at art. I have attempted everything artsy. The only thing that I have any talent at is decoupaging.

57. My friend and I went to New York for my 23rd birthday on the day of the infamous blackout. Everyone I know is convinced my black cloud is the sole reason for the blackout.

58. I have been tasered. For recreation.

59. My friends and I sometimes play a game called indoor varmint hunting. This consists of acting like we are the birds in duck hunt, then getting shot in the back with a bb gun.

60. I have drunkenly written fan letters to Seth Green and Keith Coogan. Keith responded and I’m quite embarrassed about the whole situation.

61. I have fallen down so many flights of stairs in my life. I literally wake up everyday and thank God that I don’t have brain damage.

62. I WILL go on one of those tornado chasing tours, as soon as I can afford it.

63. I think my voice sounds really pretty when I sing “The Best Part of Waking up, is Folgers in your cup.”

64. It has been confirmed by dozens of others, that it actually does not.

65. I always give cab drivers a back massage in hopes of getting a discount on the ride.

66. Roto-scope animation (Charles Schwab commercials ) gives me the heebie jeebies.

67. When I was a kid I thought my dolls came alive and moved around the room.

68. I would kiss each of them before I went to sleep so they wouldn’t murder me.

69. I found out later it was my cousin who moved them. It scarred me for life.

70. When I’m in my car listening to music, I always sometimes like to pretend I’m in a movie, and whatever song is on determines what kind of scene I’m in.

71. I spend 90% of my work day with a pen cap in my mouth.

72. I never sit with my feet on the floor. At my desk, at a restaurant, it doesn’t matter. I’m always either indian style, or something like it.

73. I love love love the colors purple and turquoise.

74. At the age of 11, my life-long dream of meeting Jonathon Taylor Thomas was fulfilled.

75. My choice alcoholic beverages are wheat beer, red wine, and vodka and grapefruit.

76. I can kick your ass at touch-screen trivia.

77. I can also kick your ass at a game of bones.

78. When I get upset, I find myself re-categorizing my DVDs. Sometimes I organize them by Genre… sometimes alphabetical.

79. I most recently organized them by director.

80. I just got my first haircut since January! That’s really bad…

81. One time I discovered all the little white hairs all over my face and thought there was something wrong with me. I naired my whole face which resulted in a severe burn.

82. I have had pink eye more times than I would ever like to admit.

83. I had to wear an eye patch as a child to correct a lazy eye.

84. I think my eye still looks lazy in photographs but nobody else can see it.

85. If I could go back to school and get a different major, I would probably get it in meteorology or Disaster Preparedness. I am fascinated by natural disasters!

86. My biggest celebrity crushes are on John Cusack, Bill Pullman, Jack White, Jim Carrey and Ben Gibbard.

87. I’ve never played any sports growing up, unless you count dance or Cheerleading.

88. I can’t roll my rs.

89. I pretty much go to the movies every Sunday. And usually by myself. I love going to movies by myself.

90. I cry at Hallmark commercials. I cried watching the NFL draft. I pretty much cry at everything.

91. For the last 3 years, I have watched every movie nominated for an Academy Award, prior to the awards.

92. The night of the Academy Awards is my favorite night of the year. I almost always dress up and drink champagne in my living room when I watch it.

93. If I ever get married, I want my wedding to be Academy Award themed. When I walk down the aisle, I want it to be down a red carpet.

94. I got obsessed with listening to Conservative talk radio before last years election. Now I pretty much only listen to NPR.

95. My motto when it comes to politics, (and life) is “I may vote conservative, but I bleed patchouli. ”

96. I broke an arm last year. To be more precise, I broke my roommates arm last year. I won a games of darts and high kicked in celebration. The heel of my boot hit his arm and broke it in several places.

97. I still haven’t watched the last episode of Party Of Five because I’m too sad.

98. I read my horoscope every day and carry tarot cards with me at all times. I don’t really believe in that stuff… but I can’t give it up.

99. I do believe in ghosts.

100. This was a lot more difficult than I thought it would be.

Keeping the FML Friday theme, I’ll share some of the things that I totally suck at doing (and should be really awesome at by now.) Feel free to add your own and make me feel a little bit better about my life…

*Lighting a match- Why in God’s name is striking a stick against, what is essentially a piece of cardboard , so difficult? I usually go through at least a row of matches before I get one lit, and another row before I get one to stay lit long enough to light whatever it is that I’m trying to light.  Throw in the acrylic- nail -catching -on- fire- factor- and I’m in for what could potentially be a humongo disaster.

*Spelling common words such as Piece, Wednesday,Calendar, and License… etc.- Without spell check, the previous statement would have undoubtedly read: Spelling common words such as Peice, Wendesday, Calender, and liscense…ect. And yes, I did get my degree in English.

*Braiding  my hair without having to start over 3 times- Yeah yeah yeah. Even my hair dresser told me never to wear my hair in braids again because it makes me look 12. I don’t give 2 flying pieces of poop. I’m lazy, and sometimes I like to look like a Native American. I suppose it’s in my blood somewhere.

*Pulling the right string on the overhead light- Every morning it is the same routine. I wake up, stumble out of bed to turn on the light. I pull the string. The fan switches to full speed, but the light stays off.  I go over to the wall and flip the switch. The fan slows down but the light stays off. I go over and pull the other string. The light turns on but the fan also starts up again and I’m freezing. These things seriously need to come with directions. I have a very similar experience with the two strings on the window blinds.

*Typing the right nonsensical word in those fucking Captcha things- I’m not claiming to be the brightest bulb of the bunch, but I know should be able to conquer a captcha. I can see alright. I’m a functional enough typist. I’ve done exceptional on typing tests, so I know that I have the ability to look at words and then type the same exact words on my keyboard. What makes me even more mad, is when it says something snarky like “Are You Human?” above it. That’s like saying “Oh no fair!! This one is SOOO easy!!!! Seriously,  you’re an idiot if you don’t get this right” right before you ask someone a trivia question. I’m apparently an idiot human.

*Opening the right drawer for eating utensils and cups- I have lived in this house for seven months now. It’s not that I don’t know where they are. I guess when I’m looking for a cup I just automatically start opening up random cabinets. I inevitably open the wrong one first. I have know idea why. It’s like my brain just wants to fuck with me and make me think I’m going crazy. Or maybe I just am.

*Making a turn at the first long break in traffic- I have my blinker on, and I need to turn into a parking lot across the way. I’ve already been sitting there for five minutes, just waiting for a break in traffic. I’m concentrating as hard as I’ve ever concentrated on anything in my life, gauging the speed and the distance between the cars in the opposite lane. I calculate how quickly I will be able to accelerate. I think  “Oh that’s a cute little hybrid… I wonder if my credit is good enough to buy a new car…. Har har har that guy is picking his nose….”

There was a break… but I missed it.

*Getting the straw in my mouth without the use hands in the midst of a deep conversation- Please note that I am specifying that I cannot complete this simple action during deep conversation. I can usually do it just fine when I’m looking at the straw. But without that pertinent eye contact with the straw? Forget about it!! You would think the odds would allow me to get the straw in my mouth at least one out of every ten times, but it never seems to happen. I either end up doing that ever so attractive lip/tongue search for the straw thing, or the straw ends up poking me in the chin, cheek, or worst of all- up my nose (I have literally gotten a bloody nose twice from attempting this maneuver.) The thing that makes me the most frustrated about this particular act, is that girls in the movies sipping coke floats, sick people in hospitals,  and old people in nursing homes successfully put the straw in their mouth without losing an eye, ALL THE TIME!!

*Cooking popcorn in the microwave- I’ve tried punching in the time that the bag tells me to. I’ve tried pushing the button on the microwave that says “POPCORN.” It doesn’t matter. Every first attempt I make at popping popcorn in the microwave either ends up being too full of uncooked kernels, or ends up a big smelly lump of coal like substance.

*Playing a DVD in my DVD player- This used to be a task I could handle, but that was before every TV in my house needed 4 remote controls just to work. It’s never just as simple as putting the DVD in and pushing a button. Now, just to watch a movie, I have to figure out which button turns the TV on; what channel or setting the TV needs to be on to play a DVD; how to make the DVD play; and then wait… there’s still no fricking sound!!

So basically, I just suck at life…

But that’s ok because it’s Friday!

Happy weekend  everyone!