If you’re interested, feel free to check them out- Here, and here… but be warned… in my younger years I was pretty much a really cool kid big huge nerd with a lot of angst. I guess you could say some things never change.

This last weekend I came across a notebook that a few friends and I had used to write notes back and forth to each other back in the early years of  high school.  Reading notes that I wrote in the ninth grade was definitely not the high point in my weekend, but I figure that I have already shared some pretty embarrassing shiz with you guys so what the heck!? It’s actually quite interesting, looking back at that time in my life. I remember simultaneously feeling care-free and yet urgent to fit in and be liked. I wish I could say that I never feel that way now. I wonder if I’ll ever be completely secure…

I have not done any editing to the content, except for names.  Enjoy, but keep in mind that I was in 9th grade at the time, extremely boy crazy, and  thought I was a lot cooler than I actually was.

SOMETIME IN THE 9TH GRADE_____________

Hey friends!!

I thought we could use this notebook so we can keep all our notes together. This is my first note of the semester!

NEways.

Scott Wolf looked soooooooooo fine last night on Party of Five! His dark hair, blue mesmerizing eyes, and Dimples!!! I LOVE HIM!!!

-CJ

_________________________

Ummm… I’m happy for you, but I just don’t agree. However Ken is in real life and is fine. So is Jimmy. But Chris is finer. So is Brett. I wish he live in Waco or at least Texas. I wish Chris didn’t have a boyfriends. I wish he was younger. I wish Jimmy would realize I exsist. I wish Ken wasn’t so horny. Guys suck!

-G

__________________________

Nope! Scott Wolf beats em’ all!

I’m having a crappy day.

-CJ

__________________________

Ken is fine. Go to hell. Scott Wolf is too preppy all American cute boy. He’s too good looking and perfect and I don’t find that attractive. Now that one guy I saw this morning with the gorgeous eyes and goatee I saw this morning is FINE!

-G

____________________

Hakuna Matatatatatatatatatatatata!

This morning Juan came up to talk to me That is the first time he REALLY said anything to me except for stupid things in Spanish class.

Scott Wolf isn’t that fine. I mean in a way, but I really like  Gavin Rosdale so much more.

S’s ideal guy: Curly long hair almost to their shoulders, gorgeous blue eyes, $rich$, muscular but not too mach, plays guitar, can sing like Gavin, sexy voice that could give me an orgasm hahaha ,tall, not too tan, British or Australian accent.

S.

_______________________

How do you think you did on the test? I missed totalitarian I think. Oh well. I can’t believe u didn’t watch Party of 5. it was great!

What about Chris? and who does A. like? I promise I won’t tell anyone!

-CJ

______________________

Man, Gavin is making me so horny right now. haha jk. but he is FINE! I can’t believe you didn’t watch him last night on tv. Also I still don’t care about Scott Wolf. I think I made a 100 on the test, but not sure. I’m reading Gavin’s lyrics right now. This weekend I’m going to play the beginning of Machine Head on my friend’s electric guitar. hahaha

I also still kinda like Chris even though you think he smells. I don’t LIKE the smell of him, but I usually don’t notice… I don’t think he smells today, does he? U tell me because you sit by him. I sent you an email about Chris but I thought you read it. I’ll tell you who she likes but only between you and me.

Also I like that guy’s hair diagonal from you.

-S

_______________________

S,

I like his hair but besides that he is an ugly butt.

G,

Oh gads, 40 minutes til I see him! My Lord! How can I wait that long? HEEELLLLLPPP Meeeeee! Should I just go up to him and say “hey Bobby! You have such a nice ass, body , face and personality. You look especially nice today.”  Hahaha To hell with that. But really, it’s all true! REMEMBER TO TALK TO HIM TODAY. But I know know… what are you gonna say?

WB now!

CJ

______________________

I’m gonna say what I told you I’d say the other day… “Did you call CJ last nite? What do you think of her? So you like her? U gonna ask her out? When?”

And also why are you wearing black sox wih white shoes? Just wondering.

-G.

______________________

Shut up about my black sox! Its a little fashion no-no but I don’t give a damn bc I feel good today, I could fly!! hahaha You are so much taller than Joey! Oh and make sure he knows I’m totally sprung on him and everything. Even if you get a negative response from him like “No I don’t like her and I will never ask her out she is a fat and ugly bitch” Then you still have to tell me…Don’t FORGET OK done talking about him!! I promise!!

-CJ

_____________________

Bitch! shut up hoe, I am not taller we are the same height! I won’t forget! Chill Girfriend. Think 2 yourself, “I am such a pretty, sexy, nice, girl, how could he resist the irresistible?” hahaha Don’t worry he’ll be in love with you no matter what.

-G

_____________________

G WANTS TO SUCK ON JOEYS’S PENIS AND THINKS IT IS SALTY!!!

-CJ

__________________

CJ WANTS TO LICK BOBBY’S NIPPLES!!!

-G

_________________

In case you weren’t entirely sure that I was a complete loser made of awesome, I’ll give you a visual. Looking at it, I would have no idea what kind of image I was attempting to portray, but luckily on the back of the photograph I wrote “slutty pic.”

So glad to clear that up.

As I typed this out, it became more and more apparent that I  am was  extremely obnoxious and lucky that I have had any friends at all. I think I owe everyone I know in real life a huge hug.

I will also admit that I really wanted to see Sandra Bullock’s latest, “All About Steve,” but seeing that it only received a .05% fresh on Rottentomatoes, I may have to wait until it comes out on DVD. As of late, I rarely deem these romantic “Mc-movies” worthy enough of a re-watch, and only a select few are enjoyable enough for me to actually purchase. However; every once in a while, I’ll see a romantic girly movie that really gets to me for some reason, and makes it on to my “watch and re-watch with my girlfriends, and every time it is on cable tv list.” Most of these are films that I loved in Junior High and High school, and they have somehow continued to be favorites of mine. I think it’s because when I watch them, I remember what it was like to watch romance movies before I was jaded and cynical about relationships. I kind of miss that. I figure I’ll take this time to share my favorites with you. Please note that I am not claiming any of these to be “good” films, just ones that I enjoy.

10. A Philadelphia Story- (Directed by George Cukor. Starring: Cary Grant, Katharine Hepburn, James Stewart.)This 1940 classic starring Jimmy Stewart, Cary Grant and Katharine Hepburn is one of the only classics that will be making my list, mostly because by the time I was old enough to start appreciating classic movies- I had already gotten out of my rom-com phase. Plus, I think this film really embodies what a rom-com needs to be. Handsome men, a lot of laughs, and of course- you have to have that realistic  plot (what woman can’t relate to an impossibly rich beautiful woman who has to choose between 3 handsome, charming men who all treat her as if she’s the bees knees?)

9. One Fine Day- (Directed by someone not worth the time for me to look up. Starring: George Clooney, Michelle Pfieffer, that little girl from Independence day who grew up to be Ann on Arrested development) I know, it’s really a terrible film. I  have no excuse for the fact that I’m able to recite this movie from start to finish without even having it on, especially since the dialogue is so poorly written. It may help that this movie came out right smack in the middle of my being in love with George Clooney stage, which coincidentally is finally coming to an end. That and the plot is of the boy meets girl, boy hates girl, boy and girl end being perfect for each other- variety.  And did I mention I love George Clooney?

8. Reality bites-(Directed by Ben Stiller. Starring: Winona Ryder, Ethan Hawke, Jeneane Garafalo)  I think this film  may be a little to angsty to be considered a “chick-flick,” but I don’t care. It would probably end up on my list of favorite action films, that’s how much I love this movie. Plus if you really think about it, there is that super hot scene where Lelaina and Troy Dyer (I just love that name) finally get it on – that could be considered “action.” This was Ben Stiller’s feature directorial debut, and as much as I love pretty much everything he has done, I wish he would make more movies like Reality Bites. This film has some of the best dialogue (“This is all we need. A couple of smokes, a cup of coffee, and a little bit of conversation. You and me and five bucks,”) one of the best soundtracks ever (U2′s All I want is you, Squeeze’s Tempted by the Fruit of Another,) and of course, it stars Ethan Hawke. I realize at this point in my life that Troy Dyer is precisely the type of boy that I shouldn’t date, and I blame this movie for making me continuously fall for this type. I could go on for days about this film so I will just quit now.

7. Someone like you- (Directed by Tony Goldwyn. Starring: Ashley Judd, Hugh Jackman, Greg Kinnear) This is probably the worst movie on the list. I don’t even particularly love any of the characters, the plot is completely unoriginal, and I can’t even remember what it is even about. so I really can’t explain this film’s appeal. I think it could have something to do with the scene where Hugh Jackman is in his underwear, but it’s not only that… I give up. I don’t know. It’s just one of those movies that I watch when when I don’t want to have to think… and I’ve seen it about a thousand times now. Maybe I should take it off the list. Nope, I think I’ll leave it.

6. Say Anything-(Directed by Cameron Crowe. Starring: John Cusack, Ione Sky.) Every time I watch this movie, I can’t help but feel the way I felt the first time I “fell in love.” There is something so real about this movie, and the way the characters react to their first experience with romance that just gives me butterflies. This is the film that really put John Cusack on the map as the unlikely hero. Lloyd Dopler is so real, and there’s not really anything especially attractive about him- but jeez. I would do just about anything to have him show up under my window, Jukebox in hand, blasting “In Your Eyes” to let me know he loves me.

5. Serendipity-(Directed by Peter Chelsom. Starring: John Cusack, Kate Beckinsdale) Maybe you’re starting to notice I have a slight obsession with John Cusack. I really wanted to include High Fidelity on this list as well, but I just don’t think it really fits my standards as a chick-flick. Sooo, I digress. I love Serendipity. There is something to be said about the “fate” themed movies that really make a girl believe she has a chance at love in this world. This movie made me want to meet someone and fall in love, and then walk away from him just to see if it’s meant to be. It also makes me want to fly to NYC and have a delicious frozen hot chocolate at Serendipity…

4.Knotting Hill-(Directed by Roger Mitchell. Starring Julia Roberts, Hugh Grant.) I can’t believe this is the only Julia Roberts film on my list. I guess it’s because this movie fulfills that fantasy that every girl has about meeting your movie star idol and falling in love. Except in this movie, it’s the boy who meets his movie star idol… but since Hugh Grant is a little feminine (or maybe its just his English accent that makes him seem that way) we, the women, can relate. Plus, its really nice in a romantic comedy, to see a guy who is unabashedly chasing after the woman of his dreams.

3. Bridget Jone’s Diary-(Directed by Sharon McGuire. Starring: Collin Firth, Hugh Grant, Renee Zellweger.) Find me a girl who doesn’t include this movie in their top 10 favorite romance movies, and I will eat a booger. It had me in the first scene where she sat crying in her pjs, lip syncing to “All By Myself. ” I really have to give the credit to Helen Fielding, who’s novel of the same name started the chick-lit fad of novels about over weight girls, trying to find romance in an appearance obsessed world. But the movie really did do the novel justice. I do wish they wouldn’t have attempted a sequel.

2. When Harry Met Sally- (Directed by Rob Reiner. Starring: Meg Ryan, Billy Crystal.) I really consider this to be the King Queen of chick flicks. Any movie that can take a guy like Billy Crystal and make him into an attractive leading man, really does its job. It also set the standard for the theme of best friends falling in love in romantic comedies, only to be put to a test about 15 years later with My Best Friends Wedding. Until this movie’s release, I wonder if anyone had really pondered the idea that guys and girls really can never be “just friends.” Either way, it really did a number on me.

1. While You were sleeping- (Directed by Jon Turteltaub. Starring: Bill Pullman, Sandra Bullock.) This is probably my favorite go-to movie of all time. Don’t judge me. It’s another movie that I can recite from start to finish, and I’m a little proud of this fact. It may be far fetched that someone would go to such an extreme to gain the acceptance of the family of someone who they have only briefly met; but it works for me. I love the chemistry between Jack and Lucy, almost as much as I love Bill Pullman’s sexy voice. And what wouldn’t I do to have someone propose to me by dropping a ring through the train token window where I was working, when it was least expected.

There are at least 10 other films that I have been debating putting on the list, but I think I’ll eventually have to make a part deaux… I’ve already overdone myself in sappy thoughts for the day. I would love to hear your favorites, so feel free to comment!

I have been diligently writing to myself for over 20 years.

That is insane.

There are not many things in life that I have done diligently for 20 years, except for the obvious activities like brushing my teeth.
So… I sat on the ground for about an hour on my closet floor, with the journals spread all around- flipping through my life, just as I always do whenever I come across old photo albums, baby books, and the other various archives of my life. There are some entries that brought back pain and sadness- and I could remember all too clearly the emotion I felt when writing them. Others are just so ridiculous; I am embarrassed that I would have written these thoughts down, even if they were meant for my eyes only.

The first page of every journal starts out with some kind of disclaimer, for you know- if I were to die or if someone were to find my journal. These disclaimers range anywhere from threats to lies.

This first one is a little lame-

“If someone were to find this journal and read it- I just cannot believe you”

Another one reads-

“My journal for whatever thoughts, dreams, ideas, complaints, insights, quotes, favorite things, and goals. Don’t read unless I’m dead-or else you will be dead.”

And my personal favorite, if I do say so myself-
(from a high school journal)

“If you come across this journal, shut it right now. If you are my parents and read it anyway, some things written here are written for when I’m famous and they publish this and are purely for entertainment value- so don’t worry- I don’t really drink.”

I’m thinking about reusing that last one as a disclaimer for my blog.
Another thing I noticed is that my writing style and topics of choice haven’t really changed since I was in junior high. You’d think that after doing something for over twenty years, my writing would have vastly improved, or at least evolved. I guess this rule doesn’t apply for diary writing.

I’m a little hesitant to do this, as I am basically outing myself as a truly ridiculous/sappy/annoying/egocentric/boring/embarrassingly stupid character (most of these are still true today)… but I’ve decided to share with you a few passages from my high school journal- which is just the one I grabbed when I walked out this morning. The names have been changed.

3/19/1998

Ugh ok. Nuthing seems to be going great. Well I guess nuthing is too bad but it makes me mad that nothing is perfect. Earlier I was watching Boy meets World, and it makes me sooooo mad that I can’t find someone that loves me as much as Corey loves Topanga. Ugh “Bob” makes me sooooo mad. I’m sick of all this shit with him. Also I really don’t want to take the ALG test tomorrow. My teacher came up to me and was like “don’t stress just close your eyes and go to your Happy Land.” I wuz like, like the one in Happy Gilmore? Hahaha. I had my span final today. It was ok, I did good but I kinda cheated. Well everyone did! It wuz a stupid test and Dr. “Galvez” hes like a child molester or something.
“Kelsey” said “Tommy “ asked her who I wuz dating. Hes prob not even interested but gosh he is the hottest guy in the world. I hate that we messed around and nothing even happened. Oh well! I’m gonna watch friends and maybe study. Love ya!

That’s some really deep stuff.

05/12/1998
Yesterday we went to Lake Whitney with my fam and it was actually really fun! We swam and went tubing and stuff. Then we watched Heart and Souls, Good Will Hunting, and a really funny one with Bett Midler and Lily Tomlin. Now Im just sittin here listenen to Hope Floats Soundtrack . I can’t wait til theater camp!! It still sucks that I cant get paid cuz I have to use those hours for community service for that stupid MIP. I kinda have a crush on that “Mike” guy now. He told me to call him tomorrow and even though I really think he should call me- I think I might. I dunno. Well anyways, tonight we went to and got kicked out of several hotel parties. Howard Johnsons and some other rogush place. It sucked. Im still kinda drunk lateerrz!

Then just a few days later:

05/15/1998
Today I went to some stupid softball game with “Amy.” It was kinda boring even though there were some cute boys there to talk to. “Paul” is verrry hot and I think he would make the sweetest boyfriend. Well I did talk to “Mike” the other night and he was nice and we had a good conversation but he hasn’t called me as far as I know. I did have a few hang-ups though. My stupid parents need to get caller id fixed. But “Terry” talked to him the other day and said he wuz gonna call me. Im prob much more experienced than him so I don’t care really. Or so he thinks. Plus he has the same initials as Matt Damon so that’s cool, but Im sure he’s still a penishead regardless.! I decided today I want to be an actress. Actually Ive known for a long time, but now I know its my destiny. I will be discovered and become famous starring in a movie with Joshua Jackson and George Clooney. They will play brothers and both will be in love with me! If only Coach “Smith” wasn’t such a bitch and would let me do one act! Tonight I have to beat “Terry” at the movie game. Its my game and no ones gonna beat me. UGHHHH I am SOOO PISSED I CAN”T FIND MY ER TAPE ANYWHERE!! Laterz!

These are embarrassingly sad.. or sadly embarrassing. Either way, I have plenty more of these- some of which I would rather die than share- but we shall see.

I soooooo wish I wasn’t at work today. This totally sucks. Neways, its like nearly lunchtime and Ive gotta go to starbucks cuz that boy that works there is sooooooooo fine! Laterz!