This week though, I decided to dedicate most of my time to me and getting my life back in order. It’s not like things in my own personal life have gotten ridiculously out of touch, but I did need to do a bit of soul searching.

I cleaned my room, learned how to wash my face (with the help of Aunt Bitch), started working out again, and barely even took a sip of alcohol all week. Until tonight, of course. But with good reason, bare with me. And even after NOT DRINKING, somebody at worked asked me if “I had a good time last night.” I was like, “ummmm not really… why?” He then informed me that he thought he smelled booze on me this morning.

I guess it’s possible that since it was only Thursday there was still a little booze on me from last week, but seriously??? In all my years of drinking, I’ve never had anyone tell me I smell of alcohol the night before. Then I make a very controlled effort NOT to drink for a week and someone tells me I smell like booze!?!? Oh well…

So… tonight was kind of a big deal for me.  I’ve been involved in theater and dance my entire life, and have been doing improv comedy for almost 9 years. I thrive on being onstage in character… but I have terrible stage fright when it comes to actually being myself onstage in front of people. I don’t know why it is such a big deal.  I love telling my friends (and strangers) the stories of my ridiculous life over drinks and here on the web, but for some reason, I always completely freak out when it comes to public speaking.

Tonight I finally conquered my fears and told a story at a Story Slam, where there were several storytellers speaking about the same topic. Tonight’s topic was “A Date to Remember.” I decided to tell the story about how I went to New York City to celebrate my 22nd Birthday, only to have the city completely blackout for three days about an hour after we landed.

Here is a video of me practicing. I don’t know if my actual performance was any better than this, but it was definitely at least a little more polished. The other folks were all great, and I honestly felt quite comfortable once I got onto the stage. I think it was actually easier  performing to an audience than it is performing to a camera.

ENJOY!

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I know I have been absenteeeeee…. But I am realllllly going to try to be around a little more! I miss yall!!

I’m going to be honest with you. I am by no means a “gamer”  and I very rarely dip my toes into anything game-related. That’s not to say that I didn’t play my fair share of “Super Mario World” and “Zombies ate my Neighbors” as a kid, but I would put my knowledge at anything past “Zelda”, elementary at best. So when  brentalfloss passed on the tracks of his new album (you can pre-order it now!) so that I could do a review for you-I was a little nervous that I would have no idea what any of the songs were about.

Not the case at all.

While the majority of the songs are video game parodies, the lyrics are catchy and fun, and for the most part – not over my head. Plus this dude is so musically talented he could sing about poo and farts (which he sometimes does) and I would be thoroughly entertained.

The Breakdown:

Ducktales with Lyrics: Since I’m pretty much a complete idiot when it comes to video games, I was happy to hear the album start out with something that I was familiar with. Ducktales is definitely one of the catchiest songs on the CD and a great tune to put you into a nerd-tastic kind of mood. It’s also one that you can’t help but clap along to, in case you want to ensure that you look like a really cool person in your car.

Gypsy Tetris: A nice little ditty that serves as an intro to “Tetris,” and is just one example of Brent’s ability to take on practically any genre.

Tetris: This has always been my favorite brentalfloss video, and the album version is still probably my favorite. If you’re unfamiliar, he has somehow managed to write a song about how Tetris is a game made for “chics” without  coming off as a giant asshole. Only now that I think about it, he doescome off like a giant asshole but I like it anyway. I guess that’s because I have a vagina and I’m just innately interested in all things Tetris. Well you know what Brent? You can suck it. I’m proud of the fact that I play Tetris on my phone every time I use the restroom. And by restroom, I do mean taking a shit because girls poo too!

Corey: Awwww… such a great  love-ish ballad. I don’t know who this Corey chick is, but she has inspired me to take up video gaming in hopes that I can one day have a video-game loving Youtube sensation write a song about me. Or not… but I play Tetris? In all seriousness, I really love this innuendo-filled tune. Any song that contains the lyrics “I could plug right into your XBox, and you could mess around with my Wii,” is an automatic win.

Final Fantasy Victory: This song kind of makes me want to kick my own ass for never having played Final Fantasy. A victory song this fun could only be inspired by an awesome game.  I asked Brent where he gets the inspiration for his lyrics, and he told me that he used to sing along and narrate the games while he was playing. This particular song starts out with “Now you’re dead, you’re dead cause we killed you…” I can picture little brentalfloss singing something similar as he kicked a bunny’s ass.

Good Example: Dude. Brent can rap? I mean… Dude! Brent can rap!! I had to do a little research to figure out where this song was coming from, but apparently it was written about a contest winner on his Youtube channel. I love rap songs that talk about extremely average things. It made me recall Jon LaJoie’s “Everyday Normal Guy,” only the fact that this was written about fan made it a million times better. One of my favorites, for sure.

Mega Man 3 With Lyrics: This might make anyone who is already a brentalfloss fan stop reading, but I had never even heard of Megaman until recently. I think I actually asked Brent who Megan Man was when I met him and he yelled at me. Regardless,  it seems that this video is one of the “brentalfloss- fan-favorites” and I don’t think the cd-version will disappoint. From what I can tell from the lyrics, Megaman is one of the bad-assiest of all video game characters. As with most of his songs, the lyrics give a great description of the game and characters so that even me and the other 15 clueless people in the world can get into it.

Bubble Man With Lyrics: I have absolutely no idea who this Bubble Man fellow is, but he sounds like one scary mofo. This song is chock-full fart jokes and I absolutely couldn’t stop laughing. Hilarious.

Final Fantasy Classic: This song makes Final Fantasy sound like a game full of magic and comradery… an anthem of sorts. It kind of made me wish that at some point in my life I could be a ten-year old boy, spending hours drinking Mountain Dew with my friends while  the fate of the “world” relied on the gifts of my strategy and my fingertips. There are a few references here that I’m sure you have to be familiar with the game to get, but lyrics aside- the electric guitar (I think?) has a very “Top Gun” feel that pretty much rocked my soul.

A Boy and His Blob Mini-Lyric: A short song about a boy and his blob, but you probably got that by reading the title. Very weird. But the absurdity of it was enough to make it enjoyable. It also inspired me to look up this game and give it a quick play online.

Gotta Run/Be the One- feat. The Megas: Dude. Wow. I’ve never heard either of these songs separately,  but this track seriously melted my face off. I listened to it about 6 times in a row and couldn’t believe that I was in my car singing along to a theme from Mega Man (no offense). Loves it.

Paperboy With Lyrics feat The Koname Kode:Yay! Another game I actually played, and by far one of the most catchy parodies on the album. The lyrics had me laughing and really amplify just how ridiculous (yet enjoyable) Paperboy was. Plus there is this really awesome bluesy breakdown, which is just glorious.

Mario Piano Medley: A beautiful piano medley of all my favorite “Mario” songs… what more could I ask for? Nothing, except maybe for brentalfloss to do a stint on Chatroulette.

Final Fantasy IV Love Theme With Lyrics: Spot on impression of Eric Cartman + beautifully played melody+ lyrics about sucking balls= WIN.

The Roommate Song: Another one of my favorites,  “The Roommate Song,” recounts the poignant tale of  a man constantly catching his roommate taking himself to pound-town. These are seriously some of funniest lyrics I have ever heard, and I can’t imagine there is a person out there who wouldn’t enjoy this tune. Except maybe my grandparents.

Dr. Mario With Lyrics: I’ve always had an inexplicable dislike for Dr. Mario (probably has something to do with my fear of Doctors) so I went into this track with somewhat of a negative outlook. I was quite surprised at how much I actually enjoyed it.  For this song, Brent has done an excellent job perfecting Dr. Mario’s accent. I’m not sure how he does it, but in about 30 seconds he manages to fit in every disease that my hypochondriac brain has ever diagnosed myself with.

Introspective Duck In Space: Another great instrumental piece, nearly brought a tear to my eye.

Mushroom Kingdom: Holy mother of my soul, this one came out of no where. I totally wasn’t expecting a “Sister Christian” parody and it made my heart happy when I realized that’s what it was. Even better, it’s about Mario so it was something I could really get on top of. (That’s what she said)  Right near the beginning he pops out with a “Oh Poop, It’s King Koop,” which is something that will definitely be worked into my daily vocabulary, whether it makes sense or not. I know I’ve already had about 10 favorites, but this one might just take the cake. Heart. Plus this might sound stupid, but until I looked up the lyrics to Sister Christian, I thought the chorus was “Motorhead-what’s your price to fight?” -so I really enjoy that I can sing along to the correct lyrics on this one.

Zelda With Lyrics: Yessssss. An awesome rock-out version of my favorite video game of all time. Brent has a major “Tenacious D” vibe going on in “Zelda,” which I really love. He really brings light to the true goal of the game of  Zelda-  a chance to have sex with her. This song really brings me back to some good times, but I think even those who aren’t huge fans of Zelda would love it.

The End?: The final track contains a few outtakes from the making of the CD. I got a few laughs out of it, though I accidentally skipped over it the first time around, so don’t make the same mistake.

Overall:

Nerdgasm on a disk. Take it from me, whether you are already a fan of brentalfloss, or if you have no knowledge of the gaming world (like me) this cd rocks!  Basically, if you are a fan of Tenacious D/Weird Al/Ben Folds/musicals/videogames/comedy/music in general/or getting ear fucked in the best way possible, there is something here for you. Pre-orders are available until April 4th, and every pre-order will be signed- so do it, do it, DO IT! I’ve never steered you wrong before! Also check out his YouTube Channel, for more awesomeness.

THE GIVEAWAY:

I am giving away 2 free brentalfloss cds! You can enter the contest multiple times, so listen up!

The Terms:

1 entry- Leave a comment here on my blog saying how much either brentalfloss and/or I rock.
2 entries- Follow me in your RSS reader and leave a comment to let me know that you are doing so (or that you already do)
3 entries - Subscribe to brentalfloss on Youtube, leave a comment on his channel letting him know you came from here. Something like: “I came here from carissajaded for a chance to win a free cd!!.” If you are already a subscriber leave a comment mentioning this giveaway on his channel. Also leave me a comment letting me know that you did so.
4 entries – Follow both @brentalfloss and  @carissajaded on twitter, and tweet something about how badass this giveaway is. Leave the URL of the tweet or what you tweeted in the comments.

The winner will be chosen using Random.org, and the contest will close at midnight on April 4th. Spread the word!

I’m a talker. Especially once I get a little booze flowing through my blood. My friend (and soon to be once-again roomie) LA is also a talker.

Talker + talker+being really good friends=ridiculous conversations that a third party often cannot comprehend.

So the other night I met up with my friends LA and AW, and AW got to witness once again how when we get started talking- hilarious, incomprehensible conversation can ensue.

I guess he was really lost on what we were discussing, but rather than interrupt, he decided to take notes on some of the random quotes and bits of conversation so that he could ask about them later.

Today I received an email with his “notes,” on our conversation. I’m not sure if this will be as amusing to you as it was to me, but I figured I’d share and try to justify these little notes of his.

- She uses big words like…insatiable.

That’s all LA. When I’m drinking, I’m lucky if I can even say insatiable. I’m not sure what this word was used to describe. Quite possibly it was my insatiable thirst for wine. Or my insatiable thirst for John Cusack. Or maybe it was LA’s insatiable thirst for using big words like insatiable. Either way, I’m curious… can other words besides “thirst” be used after the word insatiable? Because I’m pretty sure the only word I ever use after insatiable is “thirst.”

- LA and CM talk about a lot of different stuff.

Ummmm yes we do… great observation though…

- What is a doppelganger?

Somebody obviously hasn’t spent enough time on Facebook the last couple weeks!! OK, I’m not too sure either.  Apparently it means an actor/actress that you wish that you looked like. Or that you had a dream about. Or maybe someone that if you were gay, you would totally go for…. because I saw quite a few really pretty famous people as my friends profile pictures. I was going to put up Frida Kahlo as my doppelganger, because of the mustache and all…

- Who is Nora?

So speaking of “doppelgangers,” I know I’ve mentioned like 30 times the night LA and I  hung out with Joshua Radin‘s band and I made out with the drummer… Well, it turns out they had been on tour with a certain Grammy winner in the past whom they desperately wanted to name drop.

Drummer boy: Oh my gosh.. wow, you look just like my friend Nora.

Me: ummm ok?

Drummer boy: NO really!!! Hey “bassist!!” Doesn’t she look just like Nora.

Bassist boy: ummm… I guess so? A little?

Drummer boy: Yeah, you smile like her. **nudge nudge You know Nora right? My good friend Nora Jones??

Me: ummm right.. (but make out with me lovah boy)

- Why wouldn’t they up-play that shit and get with high up girls instead of downplay that shit and get with us?

I’m not sure which one of us genius’s muttered this intelligent comment, but I’d put a million thousand bucks on the fact that it was me. In fact I distinctly remember repeating it at least three times so AW could write it down.

It’s simple really, but I’ll put it into English for you

Why wouldn’t they use their semi-level of faux-fame to get into nice bars where they could meet girls who would buy their starving artist-asses drinks, rather than hang out with 2 girls who took them to the dive-iest (Adairs) bar in Dallas, and needed all of our drinks bought for us?

- Whoa whoa…so this is the night you bled on ____’s bed right???

I’m not sure why this particular story was brought up… maybe we were discussing something similar that happened to one of us more recently but I’m not sure if that even happened. It is actually a story that I have already shared with you…

-Carissa! I look at porn sites ALLLL the time! Are you kidding me?

I think this one is pretty self explanatory. I think AW just wanted to write this note to put in his spank bank for later.

-Let’s talk about love.

OK this one was all me. But before you write me off as some cheese-poof who likes to “talk about love” with her girlfriend’s on a Friday night over a bottle of wine- let me explain. I was trying to think of a story for this show I’m doing that has “love” theme. Since my experiences with “love” aren’t, for the most part, romantic… what we talked about next was all sorts of funny and also kind of sad.

-That’s what real rappers do, playa!!!

Have I told you yet of my dreams of being a world-renowned rap-star? Well, I have them. I know it will never happen, but I even have a rap-star alter ego named Kimbernisha. You’ll have to meet her one day. Anyway, I told you yesterday how I went to see Four Day Weekend’s comedy show. I loved it all… except for the part where they rapped. Don’t get me wrong, they did a great job improvising rap, but there moves were a little lacking. Ever since I saw Timbaland last week, I’ve been spending much of my down-time trying to imitate the rapper’s groove, which I demonstrated to my friends before I made this comment.

-Rap just got me off!

Yeah, I got really into that shiz!! I mean not literally, but I was really spent afterward.

___

In other news, I want give a shout out to one of my favorite blogs who is ending his project soon. If you haven’t checked out the 100 girls-100days project, I implore that you do so now. I’m really sad that it’s almost over. Start from the beginning and read your way through. That’s the way I do it. He may seem like kind of a dick at first, but overall, the dude seems really genuine and he’s extremely addicting.

Oh and tonight we have our Dallas happy hour!!! I’m so excited to meet some of my favorite bloggers in person!! WOOHOO!!

First of all, I am going to go ahead and offer an upfront apology for my bloghavior for the next few weeks. The last few months have been pretty low-key for me but I’m starting to get involved in a few things that are probably going to keep me from writing and commenting as much as I’d like to, plus I’m going to be packing and moving and such (which is no easy task for me.) But please know I’m still reading, and hopefully I’ll have more time than I’m anticipating!!

I’m  feeling a little overwhelmed about it all, but on the upside, I think I did finally find a place to live!!

Oh sure, I still need a few things… like a bed, a washer, a refrigerator, and oh, I dunno… Maybe 5000 dollars or so.

I’m trying to do things a little different this time around. Meaning, this time when I pack, I’m going to attempt to actually use boxes rather than just throwing random things in huge trash bags. I think I could benefit from a little (read: A ton) of organization in my life. I’m thinking it will go along nicely with my new “positive thinking” way of mind.

Oh you’re just dying to know about my weekend aren’t you? Well… fine then.

On Friday my comedy troupe went on a little comedy field trip to Fort Worth to one of my favorite places in all the land,  Four Day Weekend. If you live even remotely in the area you need to go and check out this amazing improv troupe. It was kind of weird. I hadn’t been back there in about 3  years, but that’s where I started out trying out this comedy business (holy shit it’s been a long time) nearly 8 years ago. I was quite the awkward performer back then… Not that I’m not sometimes now… but wow.

I think I can owe a lot to those awkward years though. I learned to put myself in uncomfortable experiences, to spend time and group-think with people I didn’t know, and nearly every week after class I learned to really, really enjoy going to the movies by myself.

Saturday, after a grueling day of house hunting, LA and I treated ourselves to a night out at a Bob Schneider concert. I drank too much and did a few foolish things that I will choose not to remember,  but overall, it was a pretty kick-ass time.

And if you do not yet know the glory that is Bob Schneider, do yourselves a favor and check him out.

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Plus we saw a dude that looked exactly like a young version of Bob Ross. (RIP) I spent nearly 30 minutes contemplating how long it took him to prepare his hair, and it is still on my mind so now I’m all full of regrets for not asking him about it.

Is it just me, or does just thinking of that guy calm your soul?

Sighhhhhh

The only other person in the world who can induce such a state of tranquility to my crazy brain…

Ahhh… yeah, Levar Burton. That’s what I’m talking about. Throw in a few candles, some string cheese, some good tunes, a bottle of wine- and I’m straight-up in my happy place.

Oh and yay!! Check out my story in the Matador Network! Thanks Candice!!

Yeah… I don’t do them well.

I know I posted the other day about how I truly believe there are no mistakes… and I still believe that. I really do.

But that being said- when it comes to choosing between one thing or another, or whether or not to do something, or even thinking about the fact that I have a choice in the matter… sometimes I  feel like I suck big, hairy, man tits.

Figuratively speaking, of course.

Although I have licked one before on a dare. Or under the influence of alcohol… I can’t remember.

I’m pretty sure I spend half of my life debating in my brain whether or not I should do something. When I finally decide what I will do, then starts the debate as to how I should go about it. And then once I finally do the thing in question, I analyze for hours as to whether or not I made the right decision. And then I analyze what other people might be thinking of my decision. And whether or not I should even care.

I was originally going to post my test-ad for Craiglist, trying to find a free Life-Coach (with benefits?)… but WordPress hates me and I lost it, and I was too lazy to try to recreate it, so you get this instead.

Lately it seems I have some big decisions weighing on my shoulders. Like, where the hell am I going to live in 3.5 weeks when my lease is up? Should I just bite the bullet and move to away  and give this comedy stuff a shot? Should I go back to school and get my masters?

I really related to Shine’s post yesterday about her struggle with censorship on her blog. Every day before I hit publish, I sit back and try to think about who I could be offending. I wonder if people in my life who read this will assume that I am talking about them. I debate about whether or not I should even be sharing the shiz that I put out there, or if it is better that I keep my crazy head to myself.  As much as I have talked about this and have tried to adopt Shine’s philosophy of “it’s my blog and I’ll write I want to,” I know I will still contemplate these things.

It’s not always even the big things that get to me. In fact, usually it’s the little insignificant things that get to me the most.

Let’s reflect over a few of my small yet majorly time consuming decisions that I struggle with daily, shall we?

And yes… I realize I’m quite ricockulous.

*Whether or not to wear a jacket: I leave jackets places as often as Perez Hilton fucks is an asshole, and jackets are expensive. I have to constantly weigh out whether or not having a numb body is more important than losing an 80 dollar coat. Plus, half the time, even if I want to wear a jacket because it is 33 degrees outside (like it is now) I don’t know where any of them are. So then I have to decide if I should invest the time to look for said jacket, or just make a freezing cold run for it. And more so?  Dude. I live in Texas. You never know what a fall/winter/spring day will bring. If I wear the jacket, I usually end up with sweaty armpits. And if I don’t? All my arm hair, plus an additional 3 inches grows back.

*Whether to get the hell up and ready, or push snooze 14 more times: I’m not even sure why I bother with this one. But I do, every. single. morning.    My alarm goes off at 6:30. I snooze until 6:40. This is the time when I start debating whether I should get in the shower, blow dry my hair, watch 20 minutes of Good Morning America while I think about fixing my hair but usually don’t and  instead choose to eat a grapefruit in bed. Or whether I should continue to snooze until 7:15 when I will jump out of bed in a panic, throw on dirty clothes, brush my teeth, grab a banana, and run out the door with my clothes inside out. 99.98767899936 percent of the time push snooze at least 9 times and I show up at work looking like a person from underneath the stairs.

*Whether or not to go out: This is always a question that requires a lot of thought. I mean, if I choose to go out, that usually means that I have to shower (which I detest) and that I have to find something to wear. Then I have to think about whether or not I am actually in the mood to be social. Do I have money? Are my eyebrows plucked? Is there even anyone going to be there that I want to talk to? Am I having an ugly-face day? Not that these questions really matter much in the real decision making process… It usually all comes down to who is guest hosting  SNL tonight? and do I have beer at home?

*What to eat for dinner: For my roommates and I, this is literally the most difficult decision that we have to come to as a group, daily. The texts usually start somewhere between 2 and 3pm, once lunch starts to wear off. Our conversations are pretty much always the same.

Me: I’m hungry, what should we do for dinner?

Jake: meeee toooo… I’m craving Mi Cocina!

Me: We can’t afford Mi Cocina, plus then we’ll have the runs, and have to run afterward to burn off that 5000 calorie Limbo Taxi we will have.

Jake: urghhhhhhh….. well what do we do?

Me: I’m having 3 pieces of un-cooked rice.

Jake: I’m having 8 baked beans so that I can keep full longer.

Me: I’m having water.

Jake: I’m having air.

And then we usually decide to meet at home to discuss our options before we go to the store, which usually results in us sitting around for two more hours starving… so we either settle on fish and veggies that we have in our freezer, or we wait another additional hour before we go to the store, each of us emerging with a tv dinner and a bottle of wine. But it’s all good because by that time, I have already eaten off all of my fingers and I’m not even hungry anymore.

I really just want a feeding tube. I think that would solve everything.

*Do I, or don’t I applaud at the end of a movie: Yes. I’m a clapper. What? I like showing my appreciation. Plus it feels really validating when you clap first and everyone else joins in. But you always risk the chance that no one will join in, causing you to be the lone-idiot-slow clapper.

*To drink or not to drink: I more apt to go with the “to” on this one. I still have at least five minutes of internal debate.

*And more importantly, to ambien or not to ambien: This debate doesn’t have to do so much with actually taking it, it’s more as to whether or not I will actually get into bed after the fact. And after I take it, the decision is really no longer up to me.

*Whether or not to speak up: Dude, this is the worst. I’m an honest person. I believe in telling the truth, but there are some situations where I am just at a loss as to whether or not I should speak my mind or put myself out there. I’m talking about in multiple types of situations, with friends,with guys, at work… whatever. I never know what to do when friends who ask for my opinion about a situation, especially when I know that telling someone the truth could possibly hurt them. I also constantly struggle with putting my feelings out there when I know it could result in getting hurt myself. I decided a while back not to play games, and lately I’ve been taking more risks with my words…. Still not sure how well that is working out.

*Whether or not I should check my bank account: A lose/lose situation. I check it and am either completely bummed or I see that I actually have money and then proceed to overspend. Or I don’t check it and proceed to overspend. Conundrum.

*To pee, or not to pee: Well, I don’t usually think about this too much. I usually just go when I gotta go. Preferably in a toilet, and not as a result of a sneeze. But right now I feel that I have to go, but I really don’t feel like getting up until I finish this, and I also know that the toilet is going to freeze my ass off, and I actually kind of like my ass. But after thinking about it the last few minutes, I think I’m going to go ahead and pee so I don’t sneeze and accidentally pee my pants or something.

Happy Weekend party people!

I hope the year has been good to you. At least most of you. There are a few of you that I hope got audited or something similarly non-life threatening but still a pain in the ass.

I had such an exciting year in 2009, I’m sure I’m not going to be able to fit it all in this newsletter, but since you’re all so curious as to what’s been going on in my ever so eventful life, I’m going to try.

Let’s see. Where to begin.

I started the New Year out last year in Galveston. It was a great time although I closely escaped head injury when I face-planted in the middle of a very nice hotel lobby in front of a wedding reception. Luckily, I came out of it with only a loss of pride and a black eye. We also shot each other with BB guns, which was quite a lot of fun, though not the smartest thing I’ve ever done.

I continued working my low paying job, but  got to spend a lot of time reading about movies and preparing for the 2009 Oscars, at which I was successful at seeing every nominated film. I bet none of you completed such a task.

Near the beginning of the year I had a serious scabies scare. I thought for a few weeks that there were tiny little organisms crawling around in my skin, and I spent many an hour trying to dig and burn them out. Turns out it was all in my brain… but still scary. Scabies (even just the mental kind) are a bitch to get rid of.

Around February I leaned against a door at the top of a flight of stairs, and once again narrowly escaped a massive head injury. I may not have escaped it, but I tell myself I’m fine.

Somewhere around March I decided I was tired of being single and I joined Match.com. While I was asked on several dates, I only met a bunch of losers who had such hobbies as “teaching their cats to use the toilet,” and “learning kling-on,” (which I actually thought was going to be kind of cool, notsomuch. )The most memorable date was when I took a guy to the comedy club that I perform at and ran into some people I hadn’t seen in a while. They proceeded to tell me in front of my date how I looked like I “had lost a whole person,” which I suppose was true, but was also embarrassing.

I quit that shit after a month.

Then I met this  guy at a karaoke bar who turned out to be a swinger.

I quit that shit after an hour.

I met a guy when put up a fake ad on Craigslist saying that I would build professional living room tents and treehouses for hire.

Never even called him back.

Probably my favorite spring night was the night LA and I went to see Joshua Radin and ended up taking the  band out after the show for a good time. The drummer was an excellent kisser,but I’m pretty sure he was on drugs.

There was some other shit too, but I don’t want to excite you too much.

So as you can see I’ve kept a really busy social life.

Hmmm… what else…

Around April I decided to watch the entire Godfather series in one weekend. I thought that was quite an accomplishment. And then the next weekend I watched Lonesome Dove, but I only made it about 2/3rds a way through the movie before I got bored.

Some time last spring my dad and sister let my pet rat out at my family farm because they got tired of taking care of it and thought it deserved to live in the wild… that kinda sucked hairy balls.

The summer is where things really got interesting. I spent most weekend days sitting out at my pool drinking beer and working on my tan. My roommates and I hosted a kick-ass Fourth of July Party which ended with me getting tasered (for fun, not by a cop.)

Hmmm..

In July I started a blog where I got the opportunity to update my friends daily with the exciting details of my life…

hmmmm…

ummm

ok! I know…

For Halloween my friend and I dressed up as “Ghouls Gone Wild” and I narrowly escaped another head injury when a stair skiing incident went awry.

annndddd…

I finally caught up on Dexter season 3 so now I can finally watch season 4… even though LA already told me the twist ending.

hmmmm…

Well, I guess that brings us up to date!

Oh yeah, and last night I backed out of the date with the hot Turkish dude last minute. I know, I know… I still may go out with him next week… He was just way too cheesy, and I think I need to save my dates for people with whom I have more in common with than a love of incense. Instead I stayed home in my pjs with the roomies and watched “All About Steve.”

So yes!! That concludes a year in the life of me. I am so blessed to have so many good friends to share this information with. I hope you have a Merry Christmas and a Wonderful New Year!

Love Always,

Carissa Jaded

And for those of you curious about the tree necklace, you can purchase one here.

A couple weeks ago you may recall me telling you a story about my, ahem, ” friend “that I shall call “Cari.” It seems that Cari has a way of putting her way into interesting situations with guys. Today I will be sharing another one of Cari’s “hook -up” stories. This one is actually a little lamer than some, but still quite funny.

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Once upon a time, there was a girl named Cari.

There was about a 5 year period when Cari had a humongous, nearly embarrassing obsession with the popular boy band *NSYNC. If you asked her about it these days, she would probably deny it at first, but then she would spend 15 minutes telling you the details of how she got to meet them, and even got a kiss from Joey.

But I digress, that is a whole nother story.

One thing you should know about Cari, is that she, at least at the time, tended to fall for boys hard.  She doesn’t have a single “type,” per se, but she does seem to always fall for boys who are passionate. Whether they have passion for riding horses, Nascar, comedy, politics, sports, or music, it doesn’t really matter… as  long as it is  something. I guess you could say she falls with a passion, for boys who have passion. She falls even harder for those who love the same things she does.

Back in her sophomore year in college, Cari met a boy, who we will call Jack, with whom she shared a very special something. Something that should have sent off crazy alarms in Cari’s brain, but you know- sometimes she choose to ignore those blaring signs for the sake of a little attention.

Like many of the boys that Cari met, she met Jack at a local bar. She knew of Jack and his reputation of a ladies man, but didn’t know him personally, and certainly didn’t think he would give her the time of day.

This particular night was Cari’s lucky night. The bar started playing several *NSYNC songs, to which Cari had taken the time to memorize all of the dance moves to. She wasted no time jumping on the dance floor and showing off her moves, and her ability to perform them in a way that would give her favorite boys the justice they deserved. After only a few short beats, Cari was surprised to see that Jack had joined her on the floor, and he too knew all the moves perfectly.

“SWEEEEEEEETTTTT”

At the time, none of this struck Cari as in the least bit odd.

After they successfully pleased the crowd with several performances, Jack offered to buy Cari a drink and they were quickly engaged in a deep conversation about their favorite boy band. Cari casually mentioned that she had several tapes that she had compiled and edited of every single *NSYNC video and performance that they had ever made. Jack seemed very interested in Cari, and she was all too quick to invite him back to her place after the bar.

When they got to Cari’s bedroom, (where there was a wall size poster of the boys that she had stolen from outside McDonalds)  they quickly began kissing. After a while, Jack asked Cari if he could see the tapes, he said he wanted to see her fantastic editing job. She blushed and quickly jumped to get the tape. Afterall, this guy did seem very interested, and what would set the mood better than a little “God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on You?”

She popped the tape in and the kissing and petting commenced. After a few minutes he grabbed her hand and placed it on his buttocks.

Ooohhh Naugh-ty, she thought, and rubbed his cheek awkwardly for a few seconds before she pulled her hand away…

They continued kissing and after a few more minutes he grabbed her hand and put it back  on his butt cheek, this time a little closer to the crevice. This time after a few quick rubs, as she attempted to pull her hand away, he grabbed it and placed it back on his cheek.

Cari was a little confused as to what he wanted her to do, so she tried her best to shut it out and just concentrate on “No Strings Attached” playing in the background, when suddenly he put his mouth to her ear and whispered loudly with his beer scented breath, “PLAYYY WITTHHH MY BUTTTHOLLE…”

Cari was quite taken aback, as no one had ever asked her to compete such a task before. She wasn’t quite sure if she had heard correctly.

“Whhaattt?”

“PLAYYYY WITH MY BUTTHOLE,” he said, unmistakenly this time.

It was at this point that Cari  noticed that during all of this fondling, Jack had shifted so that he could keep a steady eye on the television.

It wasn’t so much the asking to play with his butthole that bothered her, but more so the realization that Jack was way more interested in the boys of *NSYNC, than he would ever be in her.

At that point, Cari  quickly made up an excuse as to why she needed to get up early.. and Jack didn’t seem to be too bothered.

Just as he was about to walk out the door he got a sheepish look on his face.

“Do you think I could borrow that video for a few days?”

Cari obliged to get him to leave, and he promised to return it in a few days, and also that he would be calling her to go out soon.

Cari never saw that tape again.

Cari lived happily after after, and hopefully Jack finally came out of the closet so he could too.

Note: To Cari and all of her friends, Jack is, and will forever be known as simply “play with my butthole.”

The End.

I know everyone is all in the Thanksgiving mood and getting ready to get in the Christmas spirit, but since Hobby Lobby has had their Christmas decorations up for four months now, I figure I’d better go ahead and get a head start on New Years.

2 years ago my New Years Resolution was to be less  of a flake (which was mostly a success) and last year I decided to be more committed to appreciating the culture of my city, (at which I miserably failed.) This year I have been wanting to have another go at inner-self improvement, but I had been having a difficult time figuring out what I would like to improve, until recently.

Actually, there have been a few things that have made me realize that there is something about myself that I want to change. I feel like all the signs are pointing to it, and maybe January 1st is the time to do so (or maybe I’ve already started.) Either way, I should really do something about it for the better.

I think I need to be a little less snobby.

Wait, wait! Don’t get the wrong idea… It’s not like I go around judging everyone or anything. And I want to change!!!

I don’t think I’m better than anyone, quite the opposite actually…I’m not the smartest person, I don’t have the nicest things, I’m not the funniest, I’m not the best at anything really, and I’m ok with that!! It’s just that I sometimes feel… like I might have the best taste in all things in the world!

I’m talking everything! I love the best movies, music, T.V. shows, vintage clothing, comedy… Don’t even try to tell me otherwise, because you’re wrong.

My friends have been telling me for years that my taste is not the end all be all of tastes, and that is fine. I don’t love my friends any less because they aren’t obsessed with the Beatles, or because they don’t like to sing Meatloaf at karaoke, or because their favorite movie is Drive Me Crazy (I love you  Amber,) or because they like Grey’s Anatomy.  It honestly doesn’t bother me that my close friends don’t all share my same interests, as long as there are some people out there with which I can have a common bond of my favorite things. And as long as my friends realize that though they may hold different opinions that me, mine are far superior.

I think I’ve already told y’all that this weekend my sister and I went to go to see “Where the Wild Things Are.” We have seen probably a million movies together in our lifetime, and the same thing always happens. Every time I am finding myself grinning with pleasure or laughing my ass off,  I look over at my sister and my heart fills with dismay when I see that she isn’t having the same reaction. After this particular movie I started to grill her, just as I always do.

CJ: “Sooo.. Didnt you LOVE it!? Oh my gosh, I really liked it!!”

Sis: “Yeahh… I mean… it was alright…”

CJ: “Um… ALRIGHT??? You do realize that was a Spike Jonze movie don’t you??? The same guy who directed Adaptation, the best movie of ALL time!! And even if it wasn’t the BEST movie in the world, you had to have enjoyed it…. You enjoyed it didn’t you ??? You didn’t even laugh once!”

Sis: ” Yeah… I told you… it was ok, just not my favorite! And I didn’t think it was funny…”

CJ: “Well!! You obviously have no taste!! You don’t think ANYTHING is funny! I bet you don’t even like Steve Martin!”

And then she let me have it.

She told me that just because I like something doesn’t mean everyone else does, (duh) and that sometimes it comes across rude when I try to push my passions on other people…

CJ: So I guess it’s also rude when I get really mad  when I’m trying to make someone watch a Kids in the Hall sketch and they would rather read a magazine?”

Sis: Rude.

CJ:And also when I make every one in the car be quiet so that they can hear the lyrics to Wilco or Joshua Radin and make them give me their interpretation…?

Sis: Rude.

CJ: And when I make everyone be quiet in the car so they can listen to my impression of Bob Dylan singing every song that comes on the radio?

Sis: That’s just annoying. Especially after the first 2 songs. And you don’t sound like Bob Dylan.

I thought about this for a while, and when writing my post yesterday, I realized that I have always been pushy about the things I enjoy… especially to my closest friends and family members. I have come to the conclusion that I really want to have a more open mind… and I really think you guys (bloggers) are already helping.

I feel like I’m really getting to know some of you, and you’ve really given me the opportunity to open my eyes to things that I normally wouldn’t have given a time of day. Sometimes I’m so surprised when I feel like I know a lot about who you are, and then you reveal something new that I never would have expected, and I love you more for it! And since I do, I accept that maybe my opinion isn’t  superior (maybe.) I’ve realized that if I just shut up and read about other people’s passions, mine aren’t the only ones that matter.

So basically, what I’m trying to say, is that I am so very thankful for each and everyone of you that I have gotten to know the last few months. Even the people that I haven’t corresponded with, you’ve helped me expand my horizons a ton! I feel like I have learned so much and I can’t wait to gain an even more open mind with each day!! (Can I have some wine with my cheese?) But seriously.

Now I just have to apply my new found open mind to real life…

And while we are on the subject,  Kim over at Perfectly Cursed Life has begun a tradition that I absolutely love, the annual “Thank You for Blogging” award, designed to honor bloggers that you are thankful for.  I recently handed out awards, and her rules are you have to hand it out to at least 4 other bloggers, so I’m going to keep this right at that… though I would hand this out to a zillion people if I could stay awake.

First off, if you haven’t checked out Kim’s blog, do it now. She definitely has a way with words, and has a way with being funny, while also making ya think! What I’m trying to say, is she hits you in all the right places.

I’ve only recently come across Beckeye over at The Pop Eye, but if you have an interest in anything pop culture… she is a must! Before I started a blog, I spent all of my internet time on film and music sites, and I’m so happy to have found a mix of everything I love on one little site!

I’ve said it before, but Meg at Lost in Thought is easily one of my favorite bloggers ever. I feel like whenever I read her posts, I am taken away in a whimsical land… and just when she gets me going all sentimental, I laugh my ass off. Loves this girl!!

I’d also like to pass this on to Dani over at She Laughs too Easily and Cries too Loud. Always hilarious, always poignant…. and I just don’t have enough good words to say about this lady! Check her out!

OK one more, Tricia at One Step To Recovery. You already know that I love you to pieces, but for everyone else, check out this girl’s blog!! I go crazy when she doesn’t update!  She is hilarious and says it like it is… Trust me, you will love her!!

I’m not sure I’ll be around tomorrow, (could surprise ya!) But I figured I’d leave you with this!

Happy Thanksgiving!

This is the only old pic of me with a headdress on where I don't look stupid. Bahahaha!

Remember when I told you that little fairy tale about my… uh… friend…uh…” Cari,” and the time that she thought a peen was a piece of feces??

Well luckily for you, I have several more stories about Cari and her misfortunes up my sleeve.

I am not sure if I should actually be sharing this story, as the second leading character is a casual reader of this blog and is still a friend of Cari’s… and she has yet to confess this to him. If you are reading this (you know who you are) then I am going to go ahead and apologize on Cari’s behalf… and I really hope you’re not completely disgusted.

______________________________

Once upon a time there was a girl named Cari, who at one point in time was kinda-sorta-long-distance dating a friend of her’s named… let’s call him Sam.

Cari and Sam were still friends, and this particular weekend Cari was going down to H-town to visit her friends for a fun-times reunion.

The first night when Cari got in town began as every night with Sam began- with a vow not to get so drunk that they would be miserable for the rest of the weekend. A vow that was immediately sealed with a “cheers” and a shot of whiskey. And in their usual fashion, that shot was followed by a MANY more beers, several more shots, some conversation about politics, and a few rounds of shooting each other with a BB gun.

At some point in the night one of them got the bright idea to take half an ambien, stay up, and see what might happen.

The next few hours, as you can imagine, were a blur. Cari remembered watching some online comedy videos and…well, that’s about it.

____________________________

Oh yeah, so I guess I should probably tell you that, literally, the exact same thing that I wrote about in another TMI story happened to Cari on this particular trip down to Houston.

The short version: On the trip down to Houston, “Cari” remembered mid-drive that she had left the same tampon in for way over 12 hours. Fearing toxic shock, she then proceeded on taking it out whilst driving, putting it in a paper bag she found in her car, and promptly forgot about the said tampon, and completely forgetting it ever happened until several weeks later.

___________________________

The following morning Cari and Sam woke up feeling a little foggy headed, but all in all, they felt a lot better than they expected. They decided to continue with their weekend as planned, and head to Galveston for a relaxing day at the beach.  Somewhere along the drive Sam had to stop to fill up on gas and beer, and Cari took the opportunity to go to the restroom. She hadn’t thought about her period since the drive down, and was surprised to see that she had started back up a little. Luckily she had a tampon in her purse, so she quickly fixed the problem, no biggie.

It was a perfect day at the beach and everything went smoothly. After the beach, Sam and Cari checked into a hotel room and got ready to go have a nice dinner. Cari put on a dress and Sam put on a pair of khakis… the same khakis that he had been wearing the night before.

It wasn’t until they were in the car, well on their way to dinner that Cari noticed a peculiar stain above the knee on Sam’s pants.

Cari: Dude, you look really nice… but what’s all over your pants?

Sam: What? Ewww I have no idea!!! What is that??

Cari: I dunno, but it looks disgusting!

And it did. It basically looked like a few smears of  nastiness up down his thigh. Imagine eating cheetos, then wiping your fingers down your legs… only instead of orange, this shiz was brown.

Sam: Did I get into a wrestling match with someone in the front yard or somethin? It kinda looks like blood.

Cari: I have no idea… I don’t remember a single thing after taking the ambien! Maybe you spilled dip on it or something…

At that moment Cari had a random brief flash from the night before… in his bed.. kissing…  maybe?

That really wasn’t the type of relationship that they had…  Cari didn’t want to ask what happened as to create an awkward situation, so she decided to brush those thoughts away and change the subject.

Neither the oogey stain or anything that may have happened the night before was brought up again… until they got back to his house the following day and started to unload their  stuff in his room.

As they were unloading their things, Cari noticed Sam stooped over the bed examining the sheet.

Sam: Look! There it is! The same shit that is all over my pants!

Cari went to see what he was looking at, and sure enough… there were a few brownish splotches on the sheet around the foot of his bed.

It was at that point that Cari had a second flashback from her first night in town.

Yes… there was definitely kissing… And maybe a tiny bit more.

A feeling of dread washed over Cari’s body for the million and tenth time in her life.

For that’s when she knew exactly what those spots on his bed and on his pants were.

And she wasn’t about to admit that to Sam.

Cari: Oh yeah… I’m sure that’s dip. Or you know what? I think we may have spilled a cup that had cigarette butts in it!

Cari then changed the subject, and didn’t bring up the stains for the rest of the trip… or ever.

And they all lived happily ever after.

Until now.

Anyway, it really got me to start thinking once again about my own blog, and whether or not I really feel comfortable sharing my thoughts with everyone that I know in “real life.”

Although there are some days that I really wish I had a private blog that I could spill all of my secrets to, I think that I am pretty happy being able to share my most of my secrets to anyone who cares to read.  In fact, it does feel pretty damn good to just put most of that shit out there. I’ve said it before, but sometimes it sucks that I have no idea who knows what about me, but for the most part… you’re eventually gonna find these things out, so I might as well tell you off the bat, right? I have a constant case of word-vom anyway, and within five minutes of being in my company I’m likely to share everything I write here anyways. I can sometimes be a freak, and if you’re gonna judge me- you might as well do it soon.

In fact, sometimes I wish that everyone I knew kept a blog.

It got me thinking about all the people that I have met, that I wished that I could have instantly known everything about them…

For example.

Nearly a year ago,  a friend and I were out for a night of karaoke when I spotted an attractive gentlemen at a booth across the way.

I sat talking to my friend about nonsense, all the while, making crazy eye contact and “bedroom eyes” with said gentleman as he held his own conversation with his own friends (a boy and a girl) at his own booth, that just happened to be in perfect view from my own.

After a while, the “gentleman” (lets call him Corey, because that was his name) came over to my booth and asked if he could sit down.

“Of course,” I said.

We got to talking, and I immediately started really liking this fellow. He was extremely personable and we had a lot in common. (meaning that he too, knew all the words to Meatloaf’s Paradise by the Dashboard Light.)

Eventually, the girl from his booth came over and introduced herself as Jenny. Corey explained that they had been best friends since high school. She seemed nice enough, though a little on the edge- and said that they were about to leave but that my friend and I should accompany them to another karaoke bar nearby. My friend and I didn’t really have anything better to do, (and I practically got on my knees and begged her) so we agreed to go.

We do, and the night starts to turn into a damn romantic comedy. Corey and I sing several songs together, and share  a few kisses at our table not caring that his friends are watching. Eventually, the bar is closing and we reluctantly said our goodbyes.

After we left, Corey and I continue a heated text conversation, and I was down right smitten.

The next morning I woke my friend up and made her listen to all of the details of my late night conversation with Corey, prompting my questions…

“Do you think he’ll call??” “What do you think he meant when he said he doesn’t always know when his free time will come about.” “Did you think that girl was a bit creepy?”

I swear, if I had known his last name, I would have googled that shit.

Corey did call. We talked for a few days, and I thought he seemed like a genuinely nice guy.

Eventually, the conversation came around to my living situation…

Me: “Yeah, I basically live with a bunch of people. Some of them are gay… It’s like a constant party…”

Corey: “Well… my living situation is way more unique than yours…”

Really? Ohholyshitthisisfuckingsarcasticallyawesome.

I prepared myself for him to tell me that he lived with his parents, both sets of grandparents and his 12 cats.

Nope.

Corey: “Yeah… I live with my wife and our child…”

OPEN MOUTH GUFFAW

Corey: “Soooo… I probably should have told you earlier… you actually met my wife. She was the girl…. at the bar with me… I guess we’re in what you would call…  an open relationship .. BUT I reallllly like you. And she did to… and I wanna hang out!!!”

Me:  “You’re wife… being the girl who pulled you away from me as we were leaving the bar???”

Fucking swingers.

If that’s you’re style, more power to you…  I’m not one to judge. But I quickly came to the conclusion that I don’t want to date a guy whose wife witnessed our first kiss.

I never saw him again, but I totally talked to the dude a few more times. Not because I still wanted something to happen, but because I had a million questions about their life style and how it worked. I’m curious! What can I say? (I eventually told this story on the radio while he was listening which swiftly ended our interview-like relationship.)

If he would have had an open blog, I’m sure I could have found out all the answers by myself without wasting several weeks of his (and my own) time, and could have simply read about all the details on my own.

And this is why I have come to the conclusion that keeping an open blog is a good thing, and everyone else should too.

So if you have a freak-flag, wear it proudly… some people may be into that shiz.

And also, if you are a swinger/have more than 1 spouse/have 18 children/are a midget/have decided to change you skin color (I’m talking to you Sammy Sosa)/have appeared on the reality show “Obsessed” or in one of the more interesting episodes of “Intervention”/are in a cult/ have 2 sets of genitals/have an addiction to something outlandish… you should definitely start a blog and send me the link, pronto. I want to read all about your sordid lives.