I’m sure all five of  you are just dying to know what the hell I’ve been up to for the past 6 months. I mean, it’s not like I could have spent EVERY SINGLE SECOND of my free time giving myself multiple nerdgasms watching Doctor Who.

Well I probably could have, but then when would I have found the time to watch Firefly? HUH?

So basically, some really shitty stuff that I had no control over happened in my life. When it did, I tried my best to take control over the things that I could. I made it my mission to try to “find myself.” To work out every day. To meditate. To eat healthy. In short, to be perfect.

Until that point, I had always maintained a sort of  “controlled chaos” lifestyle. But I made it my goal in life to change that. I no longer wanted to be the funny girl. I didn’t want to be the person that people told stories about. I didn’t want to be the person that got herself into horrible, ridiculous situations anymore.

The truth is-by trying to calm the chaos in my life, I somehow created the perfect storm.

The harder that I tried to define myself (or find myself)- the further I fell from the things in my life that defined me. The aspects of my life that I had been trying so hard to control, began to control me.

I found myself truly depressed for the first time ever. I quit writing and doing comedy.  I fell back into disordered eating. I withdrew from my friends family… and THAT’s when the obsessive Dr. Who-ing occurred.

The one bright spot in all of this, is that I was able to recognize that I was in a bad place and that I wouldn’t be able to get out of it alone. I’ll go into it more one day when it’s farther in my past, but I will admit that much of my free time the last few months has been spent in therapy, group therapies, support groups and doctor’s offices. It hasn’t been fun, but it has taught me a lot.

When I got laid off 2 weeks ago-  I was sure I was going to plummet even farther into despair. In those first bleak hours, I figured I would lose even more control and that I would spend the rest of my days flying in weird octagons over the cuckoo’s nest. I imagined my parent’s selling everything they owned and putting on benefit concerts trying to raise enough money to give me a lobotomy.

Amazingly enough, the opposite happened. (You can read more about this in my previous post) It could be just temporary, but I honestly feel more like myself the last three weeks than I have in the past eight months. I’ve been sleeping again; albeit odd hours since I’m not currently working normal hours. I’ve been eating again, normally… when I’m hungry and not obsessing over every single thing that I put in my body. I haven’t even worked out except for the occasional walk here and there, and mostly just to get myself to a destination. I’ve found that I can find a balance in the meditating, obsessive yoga aspects my life and the crazy chaotic ones- and that I like it.

Most importantly, I’ve been recognizing that there is still so much that I love about life… and THOSE are the things that define me.

I had a breakdown at the end of my first senior year of college. I had just finished failing algebra for the 4th time, and I was looking at an entire summer of leftover classes and working at the job from hell, literally.

Ironically, the job that the devil built had the clever facade of being a “Christian Costume shop.” Meaning: they played nothing but Christian music, hung up fliers about God all over the store, and rented church groups costumes at a deeply discounted rate. But they didn’t fool me. No sir. From the first day, I could feel the heat in that place.

The owner was one of those men who worked hard to make a good first impression. He would offer a “God Bless you” at the end of a sale and would fake-laugh his way through conversations with elderly women trying on wigs for a Senior Citizens ball;  but anyone who had the terror of working for him knew better.

The first day I was there, he informed me that I had “the handwriting of a five year old” and that “that was a sign of stupidity in women.” The second day he told me that it was inappropriate for me, as a woman, to hold such lengthy conversations with the male customers. The third day, I overheard him call his wife an retarded bitch in his back office. The fourth day I showed up in a jean skirt and he informed me that the vaccum cleaner had broke, and that I would need to get on my knees and pick up every sequin on the floor… IN A COSTUME SHOP. The fifth day, he decided to berate me in front of a customer. He came out and apologized to the customer for me being an idiot, and continued to talk down to me. The customer, a lovely older African American woman, asked to speak to him in private and when she walked proudly out of his office,  she  looked at me and loudly said, “MMM girl. Don’t you ever let any man talk to you that way again. If I was you I’d walk out of here right now. ”

The sixth day, he was extremely angry with me for embarrassing him. I tried to stay out of his way, straightening and re-straightening the costumes on mannequins, and organizing the piles of fake mustaches and prosthetic bloody noses into stacks. I tried hard not to let him see that I was crying when he told me he was surprised I was a college student because I “had to use a calculator to figure out the tax on a tuxedo rental.” Then I realized I was really in trouble when I went to the bathroom and found out, that unfortunately; my womanhood had struck once again at a very inopportune time.

I only lived a few blocks away, maybe a 5 minute drive there and back, but I knew he wouldn’t just let me run home to grab something real quick. So I decided to be honest. I approached him like I would a king or a really mean teacher- with my head down, and simply asked “I am having woman issues, would it be OK if I ran home for a second and changed clothes?”

He looked at me like I had asked him if I could take a body shot off of his man boobs, and said “No. You’re going to have to deal with it. You should have known that was going to happen today, or are you some sort of whore?”

At that point, I could no longer hold back my tears. I made my way to the bathroom and proceeded to have the biggest break-down of my 23 years. I cried audibly, and didn’t care if the customers could hear me. And then, I sat down on the dirty bathroom floor and called my dad. I told him I just couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t spend the summer being talked to like I was an idiot. My dad, being the amazing person that he was- told me to do whatever I felt I needed to.

I didn’t want to walk out and admit defeat; but the truth was- I was broken.

Looking back, it wasn’t just the job. At the time, I was heartbroken that a boy that I had been in love with for four years was now in a serious relationship. I was jealous that so many of my friends had graduated and were taking real jobs, some of them had even already moved away. The end of my college career was close, and I still had no idea what I really wanted to do with my life. So I packed up everything I could fit into my car, and I drove home.

It may sound rash, but it ended up being the best decision I ever made in my life.

The second I got home, I started applying for summer jobs with more tenacity than I had shown in my previous 4 years of college . I didn’t really want to stay at my parent’s house for 3 months, but I only had limited work experience, so I applied to jobs that I knew I could handle. Within a week, I had a handful worth of phone interviews with summer camps.

Unfortunately, I had forgotten that my voice mail was a rap that said – “Hi you’ve called Carissa and she’s not here, she’s probably out studying or drinking some beer, so leave her a message or call her back- but if you don’t then that is whack, wicca wicca wicca.”

Luckily, I eventually landed a summer job teaching dance at a camp in upstate New York, (which is really another story in itself) but it was amazing.

Until recently, I had forgotten how invigorating it could be to take things into my own hands. For so long, I’ve let myself fall into a pattern of “I’ll change things when the time is right.” I thought that it was fine to continue with the same  mundane jobs, the same happy hours, the same nightly patterns of watching Netflix on my computer… I figured that eventually, life would hand me the opportunity that I needed to make things right.

And in a way it did.

When I first found out I was laid off, I was devastated. I bawled until I couldn’t breathe. I concentrated on the fact that I would no longer have health insurance and I wouldn’t be able to see my therapist, AND OH MY GOD HOW AM I GOING TO PAY FOR MY $140 A MONTH YOGA CLASS???

And then I took a step back and realized that life had handed me what I had been asking for for so long. For the first time since my first senior year of college, I wasn’t tied down with a lease, or a boy, or life I didn’t want to walk away from. I was free. So I took it. I packed up my bags, spent a weekend with my wonderful inspirational aunts, and started applying for jobs with a vengeance.

That was 14 days ago.

Today I started my first day at a new job in a new city and I couldn’t be happier. I’ve been doing comedy workshops and RIGHT NOW I’m writing for the first time in 6 months. I’ve been reconnecting with old friends and making new ones.

Long story short, I have no idea where this decision will take me, but I’m nothing but excited. I can’t wait for tomorrow. I freaking love the liberation of being free!

I obsess, that’s just my nature.

Like my love for John Cusack… I’m sure you, internet, are even sick of hearing about it at this point. But still I trudge on and I will announce my love for all the world to hear once again…

I LOVE YOU JOHN CUSACK.

There I feel better. But not amazing.

I LOVE YOU JOHN CUSACK AND I WILL HAVE YOUR BABIES AND TICKLE YOUR ARMS EVERY NIGHT.

Now I’m rocking.

I take things too far in other ways too.

Despite the fact that I love performing comedy, I’ve never been particularly good at telling jokes, especially ones that other people wrote. However, I had  a a favorite joke when I was young, and I told it all the time.

There was once a young boy, and when he turned 3- his dad asked what he wanted for his birthday.

He told his dad he wanted 2 ping pong balls. One red and one blue.

The next year on his 4th birthday, his dad asked what he wanted for his birthday…

He told his dad he wanted 4 ping pong balls, 2 purple and 2 blue.

On his fourth birthday he told his dad he wanted 8 ping pong balls. 1 pink, 2 red, 2 orange, and 3 turquoise.

ect, ect, ect..

Then his dad dies..

Then he has a son of his own, and his son says “Dad what do you want for your Birthday?”

And he says, “Son, one day I will explain this all to you, but for my 30th Birthday – I want 37 ping pong balls. 30 magenta, 2 brown, and 5 neon green.

ect, ect, ect…

4 hours later..

The dad is on his death bed and his son asks for his final request, he says “onnnneeeee whittteee ping pong balllllll.”

The son asks his dad what was up with all the ping pong balls all these years… “Well son, it was because… becccaauussseeee……”

And then he dies.

You don’t have to tell me… I know! That was the worst joke ever. And if I told it the way I used to, it would take about 3 hours to read…. but still it made me laugh to see other’s go through so much suffering at my expense.

I love taking a joke too far, that’s all there is to it. A few years ago, my best friend almost befriended me because I made up a pointing game. I would think of any hand movement that inadvertently pointed to her, and she just about lost it. It went on for months. It was HILARIOUS to me. Not so much to her.

Well, it seems the world is finally getting back at me.

Every night for the last few weeks my roommate has filled up the Brita with water.

Every night I semi-watch her do so, yet I don’t take it in.

Every night within 15 seconds of her filling the Brita up with water, I pour myself a glass of water.

And every night the lid falls off and water spills all over the floor.

I suspect she thinks I’m doing it on purpose at this point. So not the case.

I’m not sure if my life has become a mockery of one of my passions, or what… but I do feel like it has become a mockery of one of my most favorite sketches EVER. (Mr. Show)

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OK that’s a lie. But mostly it’s not. I’ve really tried, and I think it’s working. I’ve been going to yoga every night. I’ve been meditating for at least 4 minutes before I start thinking about food. And more than anything, I’ve really kept most negative thoughts abay.

That’s a lie too.

Negative thoughts cross my mind all day long. I don’t know how to stop them. I DO think that I’ve found a solution though. Or at least a temporary fix. It’s simple. Every time I think of something negative, I accept it and then just justify it with something that I do feel positive about.

An example? OK.

You know what really sucks stinky poo?

When you get that dreaded email from your bank saying something like “You have asked to be alerted when your bank account drops below a certain level. It is now below that level.”

FUUUUDDGEEE. Seriously, where does all the money go? I mean I get paid week to week, so I know I can make it.. but still, I’m on a budget yo. I’m gonna have to have a baby for someone or quit buying songs on itunes or SOMETHING!

But you know what makes it all better?

Knowing that I spent my money in a wonderful way. The boo and I literally had our own Deep Ellum pub crawl. We went to every bar in walking distance and only had a drink at each. It added up… but so worth it.

You know what makes me want to kill small children?

When “Mambo No. 5 ” comes on my Pandora. Seriously. I like nothing even remotely close to this song. It hurts my soul and my heart and my brain.

But you know what makes me smile despite the fact that “Mambo No. 5″ has played twice in the last week?

Smile Smile’s new video for “Truth On Tape.” I still love them so much.

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You know what makes me want to scream expletives at my grandpa?

Pain. Human pain. Of the physical category.

But you know what makes me want to have Steve Buschemi’s babies?

Knowing that the pain came from a weekend of marathon getting it on. What qualifies as marathon you ask? Nineya yo business.

That and my new tattoo. I’ve always wanted a comedy and tragedy mask tattoo. I think it stems from my long love of the theater and comedy. But now that I’m trying to adapt to this new “positive thinking” style of life, I decided that I wanted something that was a little more positive. I wanted something that I could look at that would remind me how good life is. So I went with this…

You know what makes me want to eat a pound of cheesecake and cry?

The fact that the hair on my foot in this picture makes me look like a man.

But you know what makes that OK?

Nothing. I’m a lazy excuse for a woman. But then again, I think I’m OK with that.

This week though, I decided to dedicate most of my time to me and getting my life back in order. It’s not like things in my own personal life have gotten ridiculously out of touch, but I did need to do a bit of soul searching.

I cleaned my room, learned how to wash my face (with the help of Aunt Bitch), started working out again, and barely even took a sip of alcohol all week. Until tonight, of course. But with good reason, bare with me. And even after NOT DRINKING, somebody at worked asked me if “I had a good time last night.” I was like, “ummmm not really… why?” He then informed me that he thought he smelled booze on me this morning.

I guess it’s possible that since it was only Thursday there was still a little booze on me from last week, but seriously??? In all my years of drinking, I’ve never had anyone tell me I smell of alcohol the night before. Then I make a very controlled effort NOT to drink for a week and someone tells me I smell like booze!?!? Oh well…

So… tonight was kind of a big deal for me.  I’ve been involved in theater and dance my entire life, and have been doing improv comedy for almost 9 years. I thrive on being onstage in character… but I have terrible stage fright when it comes to actually being myself onstage in front of people. I don’t know why it is such a big deal.  I love telling my friends (and strangers) the stories of my ridiculous life over drinks and here on the web, but for some reason, I always completely freak out when it comes to public speaking.

Tonight I finally conquered my fears and told a story at a Story Slam, where there were several storytellers speaking about the same topic. Tonight’s topic was “A Date to Remember.” I decided to tell the story about how I went to New York City to celebrate my 22nd Birthday, only to have the city completely blackout for three days about an hour after we landed.

Here is a video of me practicing. I don’t know if my actual performance was any better than this, but it was definitely at least a little more polished. The other folks were all great, and I honestly felt quite comfortable once I got onto the stage. I think it was actually easier  performing to an audience than it is performing to a camera.

ENJOY!

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I know I have been absenteeeeee…. But I am realllllly going to try to be around a little more! I miss yall!!

I’m going to be honest with you. I am by no means a “gamer”  and I very rarely dip my toes into anything game-related. That’s not to say that I didn’t play my fair share of “Super Mario World” and “Zombies ate my Neighbors” as a kid, but I would put my knowledge at anything past “Zelda”, elementary at best. So when  brentalfloss passed on the tracks of his new album (you can pre-order it now!) so that I could do a review for you-I was a little nervous that I would have no idea what any of the songs were about.

Not the case at all.

While the majority of the songs are video game parodies, the lyrics are catchy and fun, and for the most part – not over my head. Plus this dude is so musically talented he could sing about poo and farts (which he sometimes does) and I would be thoroughly entertained.

The Breakdown:

Ducktales with Lyrics: Since I’m pretty much a complete idiot when it comes to video games, I was happy to hear the album start out with something that I was familiar with. Ducktales is definitely one of the catchiest songs on the CD and a great tune to put you into a nerd-tastic kind of mood. It’s also one that you can’t help but clap along to, in case you want to ensure that you look like a really cool person in your car.

Gypsy Tetris: A nice little ditty that serves as an intro to “Tetris,” and is just one example of Brent’s ability to take on practically any genre.

Tetris: This has always been my favorite brentalfloss video, and the album version is still probably my favorite. If you’re unfamiliar, he has somehow managed to write a song about how Tetris is a game made for “chics” without  coming off as a giant asshole. Only now that I think about it, he doescome off like a giant asshole but I like it anyway. I guess that’s because I have a vagina and I’m just innately interested in all things Tetris. Well you know what Brent? You can suck it. I’m proud of the fact that I play Tetris on my phone every time I use the restroom. And by restroom, I do mean taking a shit because girls poo too!

Corey: Awwww… such a great  love-ish ballad. I don’t know who this Corey chick is, but she has inspired me to take up video gaming in hopes that I can one day have a video-game loving Youtube sensation write a song about me. Or not… but I play Tetris? In all seriousness, I really love this innuendo-filled tune. Any song that contains the lyrics “I could plug right into your XBox, and you could mess around with my Wii,” is an automatic win.

Final Fantasy Victory: This song kind of makes me want to kick my own ass for never having played Final Fantasy. A victory song this fun could only be inspired by an awesome game.  I asked Brent where he gets the inspiration for his lyrics, and he told me that he used to sing along and narrate the games while he was playing. This particular song starts out with “Now you’re dead, you’re dead cause we killed you…” I can picture little brentalfloss singing something similar as he kicked a bunny’s ass.

Good Example: Dude. Brent can rap? I mean… Dude! Brent can rap!! I had to do a little research to figure out where this song was coming from, but apparently it was written about a contest winner on his Youtube channel. I love rap songs that talk about extremely average things. It made me recall Jon LaJoie’s “Everyday Normal Guy,” only the fact that this was written about fan made it a million times better. One of my favorites, for sure.

Mega Man 3 With Lyrics: This might make anyone who is already a brentalfloss fan stop reading, but I had never even heard of Megaman until recently. I think I actually asked Brent who Megan Man was when I met him and he yelled at me. Regardless,  it seems that this video is one of the “brentalfloss- fan-favorites” and I don’t think the cd-version will disappoint. From what I can tell from the lyrics, Megaman is one of the bad-assiest of all video game characters. As with most of his songs, the lyrics give a great description of the game and characters so that even me and the other 15 clueless people in the world can get into it.

Bubble Man With Lyrics: I have absolutely no idea who this Bubble Man fellow is, but he sounds like one scary mofo. This song is chock-full fart jokes and I absolutely couldn’t stop laughing. Hilarious.

Final Fantasy Classic: This song makes Final Fantasy sound like a game full of magic and comradery… an anthem of sorts. It kind of made me wish that at some point in my life I could be a ten-year old boy, spending hours drinking Mountain Dew with my friends while  the fate of the “world” relied on the gifts of my strategy and my fingertips. There are a few references here that I’m sure you have to be familiar with the game to get, but lyrics aside- the electric guitar (I think?) has a very “Top Gun” feel that pretty much rocked my soul.

A Boy and His Blob Mini-Lyric: A short song about a boy and his blob, but you probably got that by reading the title. Very weird. But the absurdity of it was enough to make it enjoyable. It also inspired me to look up this game and give it a quick play online.

Gotta Run/Be the One- feat. The Megas: Dude. Wow. I’ve never heard either of these songs separately,  but this track seriously melted my face off. I listened to it about 6 times in a row and couldn’t believe that I was in my car singing along to a theme from Mega Man (no offense). Loves it.

Paperboy With Lyrics feat The Koname Kode:Yay! Another game I actually played, and by far one of the most catchy parodies on the album. The lyrics had me laughing and really amplify just how ridiculous (yet enjoyable) Paperboy was. Plus there is this really awesome bluesy breakdown, which is just glorious.

Mario Piano Medley: A beautiful piano medley of all my favorite “Mario” songs… what more could I ask for? Nothing, except maybe for brentalfloss to do a stint on Chatroulette.

Final Fantasy IV Love Theme With Lyrics: Spot on impression of Eric Cartman + beautifully played melody+ lyrics about sucking balls= WIN.

The Roommate Song: Another one of my favorites,  “The Roommate Song,” recounts the poignant tale of  a man constantly catching his roommate taking himself to pound-town. These are seriously some of funniest lyrics I have ever heard, and I can’t imagine there is a person out there who wouldn’t enjoy this tune. Except maybe my grandparents.

Dr. Mario With Lyrics: I’ve always had an inexplicable dislike for Dr. Mario (probably has something to do with my fear of Doctors) so I went into this track with somewhat of a negative outlook. I was quite surprised at how much I actually enjoyed it.  For this song, Brent has done an excellent job perfecting Dr. Mario’s accent. I’m not sure how he does it, but in about 30 seconds he manages to fit in every disease that my hypochondriac brain has ever diagnosed myself with.

Introspective Duck In Space: Another great instrumental piece, nearly brought a tear to my eye.

Mushroom Kingdom: Holy mother of my soul, this one came out of no where. I totally wasn’t expecting a “Sister Christian” parody and it made my heart happy when I realized that’s what it was. Even better, it’s about Mario so it was something I could really get on top of. (That’s what she said)  Right near the beginning he pops out with a “Oh Poop, It’s King Koop,” which is something that will definitely be worked into my daily vocabulary, whether it makes sense or not. I know I’ve already had about 10 favorites, but this one might just take the cake. Heart. Plus this might sound stupid, but until I looked up the lyrics to Sister Christian, I thought the chorus was “Motorhead-what’s your price to fight?” -so I really enjoy that I can sing along to the correct lyrics on this one.

Zelda With Lyrics: Yessssss. An awesome rock-out version of my favorite video game of all time. Brent has a major “Tenacious D” vibe going on in “Zelda,” which I really love. He really brings light to the true goal of the game of  Zelda-  a chance to have sex with her. This song really brings me back to some good times, but I think even those who aren’t huge fans of Zelda would love it.

The End?: The final track contains a few outtakes from the making of the CD. I got a few laughs out of it, though I accidentally skipped over it the first time around, so don’t make the same mistake.

Overall:

Nerdgasm on a disk. Take it from me, whether you are already a fan of brentalfloss, or if you have no knowledge of the gaming world (like me) this cd rocks!  Basically, if you are a fan of Tenacious D/Weird Al/Ben Folds/musicals/videogames/comedy/music in general/or getting ear fucked in the best way possible, there is something here for you. Pre-orders are available until April 4th, and every pre-order will be signed- so do it, do it, DO IT! I’ve never steered you wrong before! Also check out his YouTube Channel, for more awesomeness.

THE GIVEAWAY:

I am giving away 2 free brentalfloss cds! You can enter the contest multiple times, so listen up!

The Terms:

1 entry- Leave a comment here on my blog saying how much either brentalfloss and/or I rock.
2 entries- Follow me in your RSS reader and leave a comment to let me know that you are doing so (or that you already do)
3 entries - Subscribe to brentalfloss on Youtube, leave a comment on his channel letting him know you came from here. Something like: “I came here from carissajaded for a chance to win a free cd!!.” If you are already a subscriber leave a comment mentioning this giveaway on his channel. Also leave me a comment letting me know that you did so.
4 entries – Follow both @brentalfloss and  @carissajaded on twitter, and tweet something about how badass this giveaway is. Leave the URL of the tweet or what you tweeted in the comments.

The winner will be chosen using Random.org, and the contest will close at midnight on April 4th. Spread the word!

I’m a talker. Especially once I get a little booze flowing through my blood. My friend (and soon to be once-again roomie) LA is also a talker.

Talker + talker+being really good friends=ridiculous conversations that a third party often cannot comprehend.

So the other night I met up with my friends LA and AW, and AW got to witness once again how when we get started talking- hilarious, incomprehensible conversation can ensue.

I guess he was really lost on what we were discussing, but rather than interrupt, he decided to take notes on some of the random quotes and bits of conversation so that he could ask about them later.

Today I received an email with his “notes,” on our conversation. I’m not sure if this will be as amusing to you as it was to me, but I figured I’d share and try to justify these little notes of his.

- She uses big words like…insatiable.

That’s all LA. When I’m drinking, I’m lucky if I can even say insatiable. I’m not sure what this word was used to describe. Quite possibly it was my insatiable thirst for wine. Or my insatiable thirst for John Cusack. Or maybe it was LA’s insatiable thirst for using big words like insatiable. Either way, I’m curious… can other words besides “thirst” be used after the word insatiable? Because I’m pretty sure the only word I ever use after insatiable is “thirst.”

- LA and CM talk about a lot of different stuff.

Ummmm yes we do… great observation though…

- What is a doppelganger?

Somebody obviously hasn’t spent enough time on Facebook the last couple weeks!! OK, I’m not too sure either.  Apparently it means an actor/actress that you wish that you looked like. Or that you had a dream about. Or maybe someone that if you were gay, you would totally go for…. because I saw quite a few really pretty famous people as my friends profile pictures. I was going to put up Frida Kahlo as my doppelganger, because of the mustache and all…

- Who is Nora?

So speaking of “doppelgangers,” I know I’ve mentioned like 30 times the night LA and I  hung out with Joshua Radin‘s band and I made out with the drummer… Well, it turns out they had been on tour with a certain Grammy winner in the past whom they desperately wanted to name drop.

Drummer boy: Oh my gosh.. wow, you look just like my friend Nora.

Me: ummm ok?

Drummer boy: NO really!!! Hey “bassist!!” Doesn’t she look just like Nora.

Bassist boy: ummm… I guess so? A little?

Drummer boy: Yeah, you smile like her. **nudge nudge You know Nora right? My good friend Nora Jones??

Me: ummm right.. (but make out with me lovah boy)

- Why wouldn’t they up-play that shit and get with high up girls instead of downplay that shit and get with us?

I’m not sure which one of us genius’s muttered this intelligent comment, but I’d put a million thousand bucks on the fact that it was me. In fact I distinctly remember repeating it at least three times so AW could write it down.

It’s simple really, but I’ll put it into English for you

Why wouldn’t they use their semi-level of faux-fame to get into nice bars where they could meet girls who would buy their starving artist-asses drinks, rather than hang out with 2 girls who took them to the dive-iest (Adairs) bar in Dallas, and needed all of our drinks bought for us?

- Whoa whoa…so this is the night you bled on ____’s bed right???

I’m not sure why this particular story was brought up… maybe we were discussing something similar that happened to one of us more recently but I’m not sure if that even happened. It is actually a story that I have already shared with you…

-Carissa! I look at porn sites ALLLL the time! Are you kidding me?

I think this one is pretty self explanatory. I think AW just wanted to write this note to put in his spank bank for later.

-Let’s talk about love.

OK this one was all me. But before you write me off as some cheese-poof who likes to “talk about love” with her girlfriend’s on a Friday night over a bottle of wine- let me explain. I was trying to think of a story for this show I’m doing that has “love” theme. Since my experiences with “love” aren’t, for the most part, romantic… what we talked about next was all sorts of funny and also kind of sad.

-That’s what real rappers do, playa!!!

Have I told you yet of my dreams of being a world-renowned rap-star? Well, I have them. I know it will never happen, but I even have a rap-star alter ego named Kimbernisha. You’ll have to meet her one day. Anyway, I told you yesterday how I went to see Four Day Weekend’s comedy show. I loved it all… except for the part where they rapped. Don’t get me wrong, they did a great job improvising rap, but there moves were a little lacking. Ever since I saw Timbaland last week, I’ve been spending much of my down-time trying to imitate the rapper’s groove, which I demonstrated to my friends before I made this comment.

-Rap just got me off!

Yeah, I got really into that shiz!! I mean not literally, but I was really spent afterward.

___

In other news, I want give a shout out to one of my favorite blogs who is ending his project soon. If you haven’t checked out the 100 girls-100days project, I implore that you do so now. I’m really sad that it’s almost over. Start from the beginning and read your way through. That’s the way I do it. He may seem like kind of a dick at first, but overall, the dude seems really genuine and he’s extremely addicting.

Oh and tonight we have our Dallas happy hour!!! I’m so excited to meet some of my favorite bloggers in person!! WOOHOO!!

First of all, I am going to go ahead and offer an upfront apology for my bloghavior for the next few weeks. The last few months have been pretty low-key for me but I’m starting to get involved in a few things that are probably going to keep me from writing and commenting as much as I’d like to, plus I’m going to be packing and moving and such (which is no easy task for me.) But please know I’m still reading, and hopefully I’ll have more time than I’m anticipating!!

I’m  feeling a little overwhelmed about it all, but on the upside, I think I did finally find a place to live!!

Oh sure, I still need a few things… like a bed, a washer, a refrigerator, and oh, I dunno… Maybe 5000 dollars or so.

I’m trying to do things a little different this time around. Meaning, this time when I pack, I’m going to attempt to actually use boxes rather than just throwing random things in huge trash bags. I think I could benefit from a little (read: A ton) of organization in my life. I’m thinking it will go along nicely with my new “positive thinking” way of mind.

Oh you’re just dying to know about my weekend aren’t you? Well… fine then.

On Friday my comedy troupe went on a little comedy field trip to Fort Worth to one of my favorite places in all the land,  Four Day Weekend. If you live even remotely in the area you need to go and check out this amazing improv troupe. It was kind of weird. I hadn’t been back there in about 3  years, but that’s where I started out trying out this comedy business (holy shit it’s been a long time) nearly 8 years ago. I was quite the awkward performer back then… Not that I’m not sometimes now… but wow.

I think I can owe a lot to those awkward years though. I learned to put myself in uncomfortable experiences, to spend time and group-think with people I didn’t know, and nearly every week after class I learned to really, really enjoy going to the movies by myself.

Saturday, after a grueling day of house hunting, LA and I treated ourselves to a night out at a Bob Schneider concert. I drank too much and did a few foolish things that I will choose not to remember,  but overall, it was a pretty kick-ass time.

And if you do not yet know the glory that is Bob Schneider, do yourselves a favor and check him out.

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Plus we saw a dude that looked exactly like a young version of Bob Ross. (RIP) I spent nearly 30 minutes contemplating how long it took him to prepare his hair, and it is still on my mind so now I’m all full of regrets for not asking him about it.

Is it just me, or does just thinking of that guy calm your soul?

Sighhhhhh

The only other person in the world who can induce such a state of tranquility to my crazy brain…

Ahhh… yeah, Levar Burton. That’s what I’m talking about. Throw in a few candles, some string cheese, some good tunes, a bottle of wine- and I’m straight-up in my happy place.

Oh and yay!! Check out my story in the Matador Network! Thanks Candice!!

Yeah… I don’t do them well.

I know I posted the other day about how I truly believe there are no mistakes… and I still believe that. I really do.

But that being said- when it comes to choosing between one thing or another, or whether or not to do something, or even thinking about the fact that I have a choice in the matter… sometimes I  feel like I suck big, hairy, man tits.

Figuratively speaking, of course.

Although I have licked one before on a dare. Or under the influence of alcohol… I can’t remember.

I’m pretty sure I spend half of my life debating in my brain whether or not I should do something. When I finally decide what I will do, then starts the debate as to how I should go about it. And then once I finally do the thing in question, I analyze for hours as to whether or not I made the right decision. And then I analyze what other people might be thinking of my decision. And whether or not I should even care.

I was originally going to post my test-ad for Craiglist, trying to find a free Life-Coach (with benefits?)… but WordPress hates me and I lost it, and I was too lazy to try to recreate it, so you get this instead.

Lately it seems I have some big decisions weighing on my shoulders. Like, where the hell am I going to live in 3.5 weeks when my lease is up? Should I just bite the bullet and move to away  and give this comedy stuff a shot? Should I go back to school and get my masters?

I really related to Shine’s post yesterday about her struggle with censorship on her blog. Every day before I hit publish, I sit back and try to think about who I could be offending. I wonder if people in my life who read this will assume that I am talking about them. I debate about whether or not I should even be sharing the shiz that I put out there, or if it is better that I keep my crazy head to myself.  As much as I have talked about this and have tried to adopt Shine’s philosophy of “it’s my blog and I’ll write I want to,” I know I will still contemplate these things.

It’s not always even the big things that get to me. In fact, usually it’s the little insignificant things that get to me the most.

Let’s reflect over a few of my small yet majorly time consuming decisions that I struggle with daily, shall we?

And yes… I realize I’m quite ricockulous.

*Whether or not to wear a jacket: I leave jackets places as often as Perez Hilton fucks is an asshole, and jackets are expensive. I have to constantly weigh out whether or not having a numb body is more important than losing an 80 dollar coat. Plus, half the time, even if I want to wear a jacket because it is 33 degrees outside (like it is now) I don’t know where any of them are. So then I have to decide if I should invest the time to look for said jacket, or just make a freezing cold run for it. And more so?  Dude. I live in Texas. You never know what a fall/winter/spring day will bring. If I wear the jacket, I usually end up with sweaty armpits. And if I don’t? All my arm hair, plus an additional 3 inches grows back.

*Whether to get the hell up and ready, or push snooze 14 more times: I’m not even sure why I bother with this one. But I do, every. single. morning.    My alarm goes off at 6:30. I snooze until 6:40. This is the time when I start debating whether I should get in the shower, blow dry my hair, watch 20 minutes of Good Morning America while I think about fixing my hair but usually don’t and  instead choose to eat a grapefruit in bed. Or whether I should continue to snooze until 7:15 when I will jump out of bed in a panic, throw on dirty clothes, brush my teeth, grab a banana, and run out the door with my clothes inside out. 99.98767899936 percent of the time push snooze at least 9 times and I show up at work looking like a person from underneath the stairs.

*Whether or not to go out: This is always a question that requires a lot of thought. I mean, if I choose to go out, that usually means that I have to shower (which I detest) and that I have to find something to wear. Then I have to think about whether or not I am actually in the mood to be social. Do I have money? Are my eyebrows plucked? Is there even anyone going to be there that I want to talk to? Am I having an ugly-face day? Not that these questions really matter much in the real decision making process… It usually all comes down to who is guest hosting  SNL tonight? and do I have beer at home?

*What to eat for dinner: For my roommates and I, this is literally the most difficult decision that we have to come to as a group, daily. The texts usually start somewhere between 2 and 3pm, once lunch starts to wear off. Our conversations are pretty much always the same.

Me: I’m hungry, what should we do for dinner?

Jake: meeee toooo… I’m craving Mi Cocina!

Me: We can’t afford Mi Cocina, plus then we’ll have the runs, and have to run afterward to burn off that 5000 calorie Limbo Taxi we will have.

Jake: urghhhhhhh….. well what do we do?

Me: I’m having 3 pieces of un-cooked rice.

Jake: I’m having 8 baked beans so that I can keep full longer.

Me: I’m having water.

Jake: I’m having air.

And then we usually decide to meet at home to discuss our options before we go to the store, which usually results in us sitting around for two more hours starving… so we either settle on fish and veggies that we have in our freezer, or we wait another additional hour before we go to the store, each of us emerging with a tv dinner and a bottle of wine. But it’s all good because by that time, I have already eaten off all of my fingers and I’m not even hungry anymore.

I really just want a feeding tube. I think that would solve everything.

*Do I, or don’t I applaud at the end of a movie: Yes. I’m a clapper. What? I like showing my appreciation. Plus it feels really validating when you clap first and everyone else joins in. But you always risk the chance that no one will join in, causing you to be the lone-idiot-slow clapper.

*To drink or not to drink: I more apt to go with the “to” on this one. I still have at least five minutes of internal debate.

*And more importantly, to ambien or not to ambien: This debate doesn’t have to do so much with actually taking it, it’s more as to whether or not I will actually get into bed after the fact. And after I take it, the decision is really no longer up to me.

*Whether or not to speak up: Dude, this is the worst. I’m an honest person. I believe in telling the truth, but there are some situations where I am just at a loss as to whether or not I should speak my mind or put myself out there. I’m talking about in multiple types of situations, with friends,with guys, at work… whatever. I never know what to do when friends who ask for my opinion about a situation, especially when I know that telling someone the truth could possibly hurt them. I also constantly struggle with putting my feelings out there when I know it could result in getting hurt myself. I decided a while back not to play games, and lately I’ve been taking more risks with my words…. Still not sure how well that is working out.

*Whether or not I should check my bank account: A lose/lose situation. I check it and am either completely bummed or I see that I actually have money and then proceed to overspend. Or I don’t check it and proceed to overspend. Conundrum.

*To pee, or not to pee: Well, I don’t usually think about this too much. I usually just go when I gotta go. Preferably in a toilet, and not as a result of a sneeze. But right now I feel that I have to go, but I really don’t feel like getting up until I finish this, and I also know that the toilet is going to freeze my ass off, and I actually kind of like my ass. But after thinking about it the last few minutes, I think I’m going to go ahead and pee so I don’t sneeze and accidentally pee my pants or something.

Happy Weekend party people!

I hope the year has been good to you. At least most of you. There are a few of you that I hope got audited or something similarly non-life threatening but still a pain in the ass.

I had such an exciting year in 2009, I’m sure I’m not going to be able to fit it all in this newsletter, but since you’re all so curious as to what’s been going on in my ever so eventful life, I’m going to try.

Let’s see. Where to begin.

I started the New Year out last year in Galveston. It was a great time although I closely escaped head injury when I face-planted in the middle of a very nice hotel lobby in front of a wedding reception. Luckily, I came out of it with only a loss of pride and a black eye. We also shot each other with BB guns, which was quite a lot of fun, though not the smartest thing I’ve ever done.

I continued working my low paying job, but  got to spend a lot of time reading about movies and preparing for the 2009 Oscars, at which I was successful at seeing every nominated film. I bet none of you completed such a task.

Near the beginning of the year I had a serious scabies scare. I thought for a few weeks that there were tiny little organisms crawling around in my skin, and I spent many an hour trying to dig and burn them out. Turns out it was all in my brain… but still scary. Scabies (even just the mental kind) are a bitch to get rid of.

Around February I leaned against a door at the top of a flight of stairs, and once again narrowly escaped a massive head injury. I may not have escaped it, but I tell myself I’m fine.

Somewhere around March I decided I was tired of being single and I joined Match.com. While I was asked on several dates, I only met a bunch of losers who had such hobbies as “teaching their cats to use the toilet,” and “learning kling-on,” (which I actually thought was going to be kind of cool, notsomuch. )The most memorable date was when I took a guy to the comedy club that I perform at and ran into some people I hadn’t seen in a while. They proceeded to tell me in front of my date how I looked like I “had lost a whole person,” which I suppose was true, but was also embarrassing.

I quit that shit after a month.

Then I met this  guy at a karaoke bar who turned out to be a swinger.

I quit that shit after an hour.

I met a guy when put up a fake ad on Craigslist saying that I would build professional living room tents and treehouses for hire.

Never even called him back.

Probably my favorite spring night was the night LA and I went to see Joshua Radin and ended up taking the  band out after the show for a good time. The drummer was an excellent kisser,but I’m pretty sure he was on drugs.

There was some other shit too, but I don’t want to excite you too much.

So as you can see I’ve kept a really busy social life.

Hmmm… what else…

Around April I decided to watch the entire Godfather series in one weekend. I thought that was quite an accomplishment. And then the next weekend I watched Lonesome Dove, but I only made it about 2/3rds a way through the movie before I got bored.

Some time last spring my dad and sister let my pet rat out at my family farm because they got tired of taking care of it and thought it deserved to live in the wild… that kinda sucked hairy balls.

The summer is where things really got interesting. I spent most weekend days sitting out at my pool drinking beer and working on my tan. My roommates and I hosted a kick-ass Fourth of July Party which ended with me getting tasered (for fun, not by a cop.)

Hmmm..

In July I started a blog where I got the opportunity to update my friends daily with the exciting details of my life…

hmmmm…

ummm

ok! I know…

For Halloween my friend and I dressed up as “Ghouls Gone Wild” and I narrowly escaped another head injury when a stair skiing incident went awry.

annndddd…

I finally caught up on Dexter season 3 so now I can finally watch season 4… even though LA already told me the twist ending.

hmmmm…

Well, I guess that brings us up to date!

Oh yeah, and last night I backed out of the date with the hot Turkish dude last minute. I know, I know… I still may go out with him next week… He was just way too cheesy, and I think I need to save my dates for people with whom I have more in common with than a love of incense. Instead I stayed home in my pjs with the roomies and watched “All About Steve.”

So yes!! That concludes a year in the life of me. I am so blessed to have so many good friends to share this information with. I hope you have a Merry Christmas and a Wonderful New Year!

Love Always,

Carissa Jaded

And for those of you curious about the tree necklace, you can purchase one here.