Writing out the title of this post just brought me back to those uber-dork days. Just thought I’d share that.

My dad’s family has a really amazing farm out near Crawford, TX. My dad recently started staying out there, and I have to tell ya’ll, despite the fact that there is no heat, there is a lot of poison ivy, and there is always the possibility of being eaten by wild hogs-I’m a little bit jealous.

The place is absolutely beautiful and some of my most favorite memories happened out there. There is a lot of land, your typical barn house,  and a little white house that is surrounded by a picket fence… and a creek called “Hog Creek” runs through the land and as a dam and everything. It’s perfect.

Da house

Hog Creek

My sweet grandparent's in front of my favorite tree in the world.

A Cow.

When I was young, my family would spend the weekends out there and my days would be spent catching trees fish, wading in the creek or a metal tub, or walking the grounds playing pretend or trying to get the horses to eat grass out of my hand. Even now my family goes out there quite often to shoot guns and fish.

If you had any doubt I was a true Texan, I hope I cleared that up.

My family decided long ago, that if there were ever any nuclear wars or zombie attacks, the farm would be our meeting place. Besides being near the likes of George W…. I do think that it is the ideal place for an emergency.

I always thought it would be kinda fun to have to live out there on nothing but wild animals and beer.

I think I could survive. I’m sure it would be a little tough, but I could handle it. I mean… I wouldn’t even have to shower very often, or maybe ever. How awesome would that be? I’ve even already learned some very important rules about living off the land. Like a few years ago, my friend LA decided we would paint our faces with the juice that comes out of the pretty fruits that grow on cacti. Not a good idea. Those little fruits have many invisible, yet painful tiny little stickers that will stay in your skin for weeks.

ANNNND I won’t try that again.

But moreover, I yesterday as I was perusing facebook all day for a few moments in my spare time at work- I remembered the main reason that I could never live out at the farm. You see, I saw my dad’s newest facebook profile picture….

Someone in my family tree

Yes. My father decided to change his profile pic. to be a picture of one of my ancestors. I really feel bad not knowing who he was exactly as I’m sure I’ve been told many a time, but regardless-we are related.

Harmless enough, right?

WRONG.

You see, when I was a kid I have always had a very vivid imagination. When I was a child I was scared of monsters under my bed, monsters in the toilet, monsters in the closet, zombie pets, moving dolls, spiders, aliens, the Jabberwalkie from Alice in Wonderland… and a wall in my farmhouse that has pictures of several of my ancestors hanging on it. This being one of them.

I know, I know. They’re just pictures of people whom I share my blood with, but ya’ll don’t understand the fear that their faces put it in my heart. Whenever I walked around the house , especially at night- I could feel their presence. Their eyes follow you around the room. And they all look so sinister. I guess I was afraid that they would crawl right out of those photos and beat me with a wooden paddle or something.

I got my dad to take pics of the others and send them to me. They aren’t the best quality, but you get the picture. hehehe, no pun intended.

OK so this one is a little handsome....

I bet she would wash my mouth out with soap.

This is my favorite. Clearly we are related.

Ok so they aren’t as scary here on this page. But I’m telling you people, in the house, at night… It’s a whole different story!!!!

I wonder what John Cusack’s ancestors look like. Since I am John Cusack’s girlfriend and all.

And don’t forget to ask me questions (in the comments, email, or tweet me bitches!!!) Anything on any topic… and I will answer! Or make something up. I will start answering them next week. Thanks for those who have already submitted some!

Have a humpalicious day!

Lilu is out of town for a while, but she has provided us with a series of very special TMI Thursday post secret posts. Make sure to check them out…. And for more TMI than you could ever imagine, check out her TMI archives!

I’m doing TMI a little different this week. I have a friend “Moops” who has asked several times for me to talk about him on my blog.

Well sir, I’ll do better than that. You have officially been email roasted. TMI Thursday style.

The following are emails that I copied straight from an email  conversation that happened yesterday afternoon.

I wrote the first email to a group of my friends when I realized I was having a difficult time coming up with a post for today. Moops spent the better part of the afternoon traveling all over the country for work, so didn’t get to check his email until the damage had been done.

Luckily, he’s a good sport. (I hope.)

Hey friends,

Moops has been wanting me to talk about him in my blog for a while… As I am completely brain dead today,I was thinking that you guys could help me out with thinking of a good story.

I know there must be many stories out there that I could tell that would be considered TMI about our friend in question.

The first one that first comes to mind…

Remember when we were calmly talking in the living room, and out of nowhere Moops reached down his pants, into his butt hole and then proceeded to stick his fingers in my mouth???! Just because ” he had an urge!!!”

I almost had to kill myself by ingesting bleach.

I got him back on the river trip though. heeeheehehee

You got anything better?

____________________________________________________________

RE: TMI

FROM: SCUBA

This happened,

Outside the Coventry Apts. Justin met our across the hall neighbors in his tighty whitees.  He then helped the girl carry groceries from her car up flight of stairs in his undees.  He then slipped on the very top concrete stair and all of the groceries went flying out of the sack.  He was bleeding and scrounging for groceries in front of our new girl neighbor in his undees.  Her boyfriend then shows up as this is going on.

________________________________________________________________________

RE:TMI

FROM: CARISSA JADE

Orrrr……….Maybe I should switch gears and tell about the time Scuba pooed his pants. I was such a nice friend and told him I would do his laundry for him. I almost died when I saw the skid lake underwear in the laundry basket.

_______________________________________________________________________

RE: TMI

FROM: LA

How about the time Moops puked on my couch then had to be taken to bed? Fast forward three hours and he comes storming down the stairs yelling at me me. Upon his return back up the stairs he proceeds to trip and stumble back down to the bottom. To top it off, he jumps up, glares and points his finger at me and says, “Yoooooooouuuuuuu”!

_______________________________________________________________________

RE: TMI

FROM: KT

I have a quick couple…

How about the time Moops decided to tell us about his love for couches. He loves them so much that he use to have sex with them, sad but true. Moops use to masturbate by inserting his junk between couch cushions and go to town!

Or how bout the time we went to we walked into an apt. party of people we didn’t even know and Moops drank too much and as usual stripped down to his tightee whitees and the people were so put off they asked us to leave. We do and Moops begins to laugh. Of course we ask “what are you laughing at?” He then pulls out the tube of toothpaste he was so proud to have stolen. His grand revenge for getting kicked out was stealing toothpaste…

Then there is the time that Moops really impressed me. I had just moved in below him and had spoken with him a few times. My roommates were out so I went to go say hi. Moops opens the door and is unquestionably shit faced. We are watching T.V. and I’m telling him a story when he stops me and says “hold on.” He then leans over and pukes the smelliest blach puke onto his carpet, nearly getting it on his boy dog “Jager.” When done he looks at me and says “ok, go on.” Without blinking an eye! Bless his heart!

And then of course there is the time that he asked my somewhat crazy ex-bff to trim his pubes. She then convinces him that he should be blind folded for the event. She did this so pictures could be taken without him knowing. Blindfolded, naked, and holding a beer, Moops let this crazy woman near his manhood with a pair of scissors in her hand! Don’t worry she didn’t hurt him, she just trimmed, but it did make for interesting pics….

__________________________________________________________________________

RE:TMI

FROM: CARISSA JADE

HAHAHA I forgot about some of these! Speaking of the puking (not that there aren’t already enough puking stories) I just remembered about the time that I woke up to find a pile of puke at the foot of my bed. That fool woke up in the middle of the night, stuck his head over the foot of the bed, and then straight up went back to sleep.

The funny thing about that night that he stole the toothpaste, is that I’m pretty sure that was the same night we may or may not have dipped someone’s toothbrush and razors into the toilet. Oops.

Oh. And my favorite… (which really needs it’s own post) The night he peed my bed, thank goodness I was on the futon that night (poor shae) That wasn’t really even the bad part. He took the down comforter home and promised to wash it. Three weeks later I go to his loft and that thing was was in his closet with all the other “clean” blankets… and sure nufff …it had never been washed.

And KT. When you get a chance, you must send me those pube cutting pics. I have no idea what happened to my copy. I know it was in my glove compartment for a while- though I have absolutely no idea as to why…

______________________________________________________________________

RE:TMI

FROM: MOOPS

Wow, all of this makes me sound like a really great guy!  I’ll get abnoxiously drunk, puke, piss your bed, might fuck your couch and I might ask you to get some of those hard to reach pubes.  I want to hang out with me!!

Scuba,  speaking of fucking things this one is for you…

I believe this story epitomizes TMI.  This came out of one of those story telling sessions where everyone was boozed up enough to share stories from their sexual past, the story didn’t necessarily have to involve another person, solo acts were admissible.  I’m on a plane and I don’t want the guy next to me to see what I’m writing so I have to make it quick.

So it begins, Scuba, the horny young thing that he was went about the house looking for objects he could have intercourse with, nothing too disturbing or out of the ordinary yet, right?  On his quest for pleasure a furry young thing catches his eye, why of course, what better sexual companion than your favorite over stuffed teddy bear (it might have been a panda).  But hmmm, how to make this lustful encounter logistically possible?  Cut a hole in it!  With near surgical precision (I’m sure) Scuba proceeds to cut a hole ample enough to receive his penis.  Then,  he fucked the teddy bear.

The funniest part is that his mom found the stuffing from the procedure; he told her that a kid down the street went into a rage and stabbed his bear.  So to this day if that neighbor kid is ever mentioned his mom says something to the effect of “ oh that so and so , he’s the one who stabbed your poor teddy.”

_______________________________________________________________________

RE: TMI

FROM: KT

It was a cow and he shared that story the same night you shared you love for couch cushions

_____________________________________________________________

RE: TMI

FROM: CARISSA JADE

hahaha ok, thanks guys. I’m gonna have to use all of this…

______________________________________________________________________________

Oh yes, in case you were wondering… my friends definitely put the ass in class. Have a wonderful day!

I have either gone out of town or had really big plans the last few weekends- and I’m not sure my body can take any more. I haven’t been able to afford the time or money to get a vaccination to void off the aporkalypse  and I’m a little afraid I’m getting ill, but even more afraid that this lack of sleep is sending me on the fast track to my own personal zombie apocalypse.

I don’t even think that made sense.

But dude, if I really was in the zombie apocalypse, I would frickin love to mow down some zombies! Ever since I saw Zombieland I have imagined that every person on the side of the road is a zombie, and it is my personal duty to smash them into jelly!

I wonder if it is really true that cows and llamas can mate and make hybrid “cammas” that are so stupid that they have to be put out of their misery…

Ooooh! I should see if my roommates want to make a fort in the  living room tonight and eat cheese and crackers for dinner.

Yes…  this is what my brain has been doing to me all week. I’m just going to quit thinking now. But I won’t leave you with just a mumble jumble of a post, because if you are here and still reading, then you deserve to see something of worth… so I’ll do my best.

In light of my new tradition of FML Fridays,  I now present to you with a few images of the hurricane that is my life, that I feel that you should see if we are going to be friends.

If you don’t want to waste your time seeing boring ass pictures that depict how disgusting I am, I suggest you skip to the bottom of this post, where I will truly mortify myself with a video or two.

First, I introduce you to the way that I live… my room.

I mmeannn… the way it just happens to look right now.

My room has been hit. By hurricane me. Sooo sad.

I swear it’s not usually this bad, and honestly it is driving me crazy. I’m going to have to spend a good amount of lovin with my room this weekend.

It doesn’t stop there, welcome to my closet.

My closet also has the swine and is throwing up all over the place!

But wait, at least I make really awesome art! (sarcasm, my friend.)

My wall o' "attempt at creativity"

What’s that you say? You want a close up? I’m not very good at taking pictures either, but I’ll do my best!

And by art, I mean a collage tree.

More, you ask?

Yeah, those were just postcards that I cut and pasted (and then painted a coat of glitter over, of course.)

And yet more “art…”

Yeah. I made a collage of butterflies. What of it?

Oh and don’t worry, I have been destroying furniture since 1996.

Oh yeah, you know you want one!

And now,  I introduce you to my car.

If you can spot my glasses you win a prize. Really, I need them and they're missing.

It’s not always like this (yes it is) but I basically live out of my car and I haven’t had the time nor the energy to clean it out in these hard times. To make matters worse, there is a dead animal of sorts rotting beneath all this nastiness, and it smells of the high heavens. It has rained for the last two days, and I’m fairly sure the moisture in the air has increased the stench ten-fold. I’m also pretty sure that if I got pulled over, I would be arrested for murder. My “there must be rotten food in my trunk” excuse would quickly be dismissed.

But before you completely go off judging my car, and myself for that matter,  I feel  I should re-introduce you to this:

Dashboard Jesus!!

Dashboard Jesus puts a smile on my face every day. However, my car has recently taken on the act of bouncing violently whenever I’m in idle, and it makes Jesus do inappropriate things that make me feel a little bit uncomfortable.

I should also probably tell you that I come from a long line of nerds.

I look like I wasn't happy about posing for this, but that was just a pose.

Have I told you that when I was young, my mother loved to wake me up by blaring the Star Trek theme song, and that I actually kind of liked it? Her most recent act of nerd-dom, is her new found love of Second Life. (Don’t kill me mom!)  I didn’t know much about it until recently, but you can apparently make an avatar that is anything from human to Giant mummy squid. Your options are unlimited. My mother has chosen to make her avatar be an elf, which I actually think is really cool. Well, that may seem irrelevant, but she has recently taken an obsession to all things elven. As I was walking out to leave my parent’s house a few weeks ago, my mom stopped and asked me to put on elf ears for a few pictures. I feigned annoyance for about 5 minutes before I agreed. I(I was really excited inside to get to wear these ears.)

And then she took the liberty to photo-shop me into a piece that she calls, “The Whispering Elf”

(I liked it so much it' is my current facebook profile pic)

Have you met my mom’s tattoo?

NOT as big in person. (pleasssse don't kill me mom!)

I don’t know if you’ve realized it, but I have a very close relationship with vodka…

That is enough to bring on depression.

And in case you haven’t seen enough, I really cannot sing, which is sad- because I realllly love to do so.

I promised you, way back  during my first month of blogging- that I would post these.

Just for a little background…. This was a weekend back in July, when I was going through a break up and not feeling very good about myself, hence probably why I started this blog. On that particular Saturday night, I went to my roommate Jake’s  mother’s birthday party. They rented out a bar and even went so far as to hire a singer to perform. It was awesome! At some point in the night, someone had the bright idea that if they could get me up on stage, it would cheer me up. Well boy did it ever.

This first video is when I first went up and sang with the hired singer, Archie, who had (I am guessing) never sang “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart.” By the sounds of it, I haven’t either.

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And if you haven’t had enough, eventually after exhausting the hired singer, I started inviting other people to come and sing with me. Here is one of my roommate Jake and my rendition of  Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody.” It’s bad, but if you can stick around to the head banging, it’s kind of funny. (at least to me)

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Just for shiz, if you’re still interested and insane, (I literally took over the microphone for the remainder of the evening) here is a final video of my roommate Denny and I singing “You’ve Lost that Lovin Feeling.

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That is all folks. Now excuse me while I go hide in a closet and cry.

*Please imagine these “cheers” as being of the beer or shot variety. You know, the kind where you raise your glass, then tap it on the table before you take a sip. The other night my friends and I made the mistake of doing the “table tap” with a glass of champagne, and it just didn’t feel right.

Cheers to fall. And more specifically October. Tis one of the two months of the year where the weather is nearly perfect round these here parts. I love everything about fall. I love watching the trees change, I love not sweating my ass off when sitting on the porch, and I even like “watching” a football game every once in a while. Also, my hair seems to do particularly well in this fine weather.

Cheers to Halloween. Halloween, though it technically could fall under the larger umbrella of fall, is so awesome that it deserves its own cheers. In fact, some people really get into  decorating their houses for Christmas, but I would really like to push the less popular trend of decorating houses for Halloween. How great would it be to drive around looking at scary decorations? I’m thinking if you really put your heads together with your neighbors, every neighborhood could be like a giant Haunted house.  I also really love carving pumpkins. Scrap that. I like to watch as other, craftier people carve the pumpkins, but I like to be the one who pulls out all of the gunk.

Cheers to socks. I am the queen of flip flops, but there is nothing like the feeling of putting on a pair of fuzzy socks, a pair of sweats, and curling up under a cozy blanket. It’s finally the time of year where I don’t break out into upper lip sweat from just looking at socks.

Cheers to the Backstreet Boys. I’m not really a fan, but I have to give these boys some props for their comeback effort. I haven’t listened to pop music in years, but there is a little bitty section in the left corner of my heart that still has some boy band love. I really really had a thing for NSYNC, but I guess The Backstreet Boys is the next best thing. Plus, there is something about old guys singing and dancing like they are still in their late teens/early twenties that just makes me smile.

Cheers to New Kids On the Block. Because I can.

Cheers to getting to dress like a zombie. Ok, I realize I am getting a little specific here, but I  feel it’s my duty to  give these things the justice they deserve. Respect, people. I know most girls (and some boys I know) like to dress a little slutty for Halloween. I understand the logic behind it. It is after all, the only day of the year where you can go out scantily dressed without people actually thinking you are a hoe. I think it might be my upbringing, (I was started on horror movies at a very young age) but Halloween just isn’t as fun unless I dress scary.

Last year I was Regan Macneil from The Exorcist

I thought I had more pics on-line of Halloween costumes past, but I guess I deleted them. All you have to know is that I was pretty much dead or possessed for the last few years. This year my friends and I are dressing up as Ghouls Gone Wild. I asked my roommate J. how I should make scary saggy boobs for the costume, and he told me I should just go without a bra. Thanks friend.

Cheers to yummy beer. Can I raise a glass of what I’m drinking, to what I’m drinking? Sure I can. YAYYYYYYY beer! There is something about the weather change that really makes a beer more appealing.

The best beer in Texas... or at least the cheapest.

Cheers to good music on long walks outside. I know I’ve may have taken this “fall” thing a little far, but it really has been amazing. I get so sick of working out at the gym with all those chode heads, so it has been a really nice change to take advantage of the 9 mile trail by my house. Never mind that I will probably never be able to go all 9 miles without dying. Still, there is something to be said for walking outdoors, watching families play football and seeing all the cute puppy dogs. Yesterday I saw a guy on a bike whose bra was clearly visible through his white t-shirt. Yes, I saw a guy wearing a bro. That was possibly the best thing I’ve seen all month, but I don’t really see the problem with it. If ya got em’, support em’! I have to also raise my hand to good music on this one. There are certain songs that I literally have to stop myself from skipping along to. One of my favorites to work out to lately is Umphrey’s Mcgee.

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Cheers to old friends. I absolutely love my friends. Last weekend, my friend LA cleaned out her closet and gave me 7 pairs of Banana Republic pants that she has grown out of, and a pair of Sevens jeans. I literally didn’t have any pants to wear this winter, and she has saved my life. The company she works for, Philip Stein, is also announcing their sleep bracelet today which I am really excited about. You’ll have to google it yourself for the details, but from what I hear- it is a bracelet that has been compared to ambien in its ability to help you get some zzzzz. Doesn’t seem possible, but we shall see.  It was so nice to catch up last weekend with people who I haven’t seen in a while.

My friend Moops has recently been reading this a little more often, and I think he deserves a shout out. Don’t tase me for this, bro.

Ohhhhh... the moment you realize the shirt you tried to steal has Carebears on it.

Cheers to new friends. I’m talking to you, fellow bloggers and people of the internet. I am really beginning to love this part of my life. You have made me laugh so many times in the last few weeks, and I am really enjoying this new journey!

Not only is it Friday, but I get to leave work at noon today to head to Austin. The only thing that could make this better would be if it were  a payday Friday, and if I didn’t have to drive 4 and a half hours just  to get to Austin.

There is one other thing that’s kind of been bothering me today.

(I almost told this as this week’s TMI story, but realized it was more of a FML tale. So, at least for today- consider it FML Friday.)

I was in the restroom at my house last night, doing my business, when I noticed that my feet were wet. Wet feet in the bathroom are never OK, unless someone has recently exited the shower. (We all know that guy who doesn’t pay attention care where his pee might fall.)

After I had successfully finished my business, I dried off my feet, and bent down to get a closer look at the floor.

Oh. No. The water was coming out from the bottom of the toilet.

I have seen this before, and the outcome is never good. And believe me, I know. I’m the queen of toilet incidents.

The first time I saw water leaking from my toilet, I was a junior in college. I shared an apartment with two other girls, and we were all at the peak of being college alcoholics. I had noticed for a while that our toilet had a little wiggle to it. Every time you sat down you could feel the base rocking, just a little bit. Just like in my current bathroom, a little bit of water would escape from the bottom whenever we flushed. I can only assume that it was damaged by a combination of our drunkeness, and our asses.  Because when you’re a drunk- you have a tendency of just “plopping” down on the toilet with no abandon.

We have to remember that toilets are practically just made out of thick  glass. You have take care of them. You can’t just put anything down them. And you definitely can’t throw all  100 -and- something lbs of yourself down backwards onto the seat of the toilet in a drunken stupor.

Which is exactly what I did.

We had at least ten people over at the time, (because you never do stupid drunk things when you get dropped off at home by yourself) and to be honest, I was really way too gone to remember all the horrible details. All I know is that at some point during the night, I stumbled into the bathroom. I’m not sure if I was actually trying to sit down, or if I slipped on the bath rug and fell into the toilet- but either way it happened.

My fat ass broke the toilet at the base.

Like I said, I don’t remember details- but the way I’ve heard it, (and believe me- I’ve heard all sorts of versions of this story) I ran through a living room full of people  with my pants down around my ankles, ran into my room, dove head first onto my bed, missed, and landed on the floor with my bare ass facing a room full of very confused people.

Next thing they knew, water was gushing into the living room. I don’t know what happened next, but from what I hear- I cried in my bedroom while all of my wonderful friends cleaned the mess. I do know that the carpet had to be replaced and there were giant fans airing the place out for about a week.

That could be a funny story to look back on and laugh about later.

Except…

A couple years later I moved to a new city for work and I was living alone.  I didn’t have many friends  yet, except for a group of very fun, very loud gay boys (who I love to pieces.) One night, after about 6 Mi Cocina Mambo Taxis- we went back to my one room loft apartment, mostly because I didn’t care if people smoked inside.  I guess I should mention that my toilet at this apartment also had a shaky base.***

We were all extremely toasted and playing game of Cranium. I had to pee very badly, but wanted to hurry so I didn’t miss anything. I ran to the bathroom, and attempted to pull down my pants on the way there to save time. As I approached the toilet, I slipped backwards.

And Yes.

I fucking broke the second toilet of my life.

This time I cried in the closet while the gays, very thoroughly, cleaned up the flooding bathroom.

So now you know why a little leak at the bottom of the toilet can really freak a girl out.

We all know bad things happen in threes.

***ok, i admit it. the second incident didn’t involve a shaky base. it was a brand new toilet, in a brand new apartment. my fatass simply broke it. i have no excuse.

F.M.L.

I’ll  leave you with a little more FML this lovely Friday, because you know how I can completely understand body hair issues…And also GloZell is hilarious!

Happy Friday yall!

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I don’t know why I have such a hatred for these beastly animals. I think it may have something to do with the fact that every single day I come home, and the cup of water that I leave by my bed every night (bc I’m allowed to do that) is knocked over by one of my roommate’s cats who tried that head in the cup of water thing. I am telling you first hand that it is not cute finding water spilt all over my book, daily.

Or maybe it has something to do with the fact that last week I came home to find a cat locked in my closet, and I still haven’t been able to rid my clothes of that putrid nasty ammonia  smell of cat pee.

Or maybe the feeling comes from the time, years ago- when I came home to find my college roommate’s cat on the floor of my bedroom, pawing my Beta fish, which had been in a bowl on the very top bookshelf. My roommate, by the way; kept her Beta fish out in the open on the kitchen table- and it never got almost eaten.

It could just be from the fact that it really makes me mad that cats don’t let me hold them. How can an animal be considered “cute” and “a great pet” if it won’t even cuddle with you?If it won’t greet you at the door and pee on your foot in excitement?

Blerg, now I really miss my dog- Princess Stella Rosita Devito Tootsie Bertha Brown.

My Stella Bear

Now that is a cute animal. I’ll post some really abnoxious videos soon.

Now  PLEASSEEEE quit with the kitty posts!!! I’m losing my mind!!!!

And I do have a heart, by the way. Feel free to email me cute  forwards of dogs, monkeys, rats, snakes, zombies, or poop. I enjoy all of those.

don't judge me

An action shot of my closet throwing up

there are no words

Yes I know I am disgusting. This is actually an improvement to the way I used to keep my room. I practice much better hygene on myself. If you happen to be watching.