First off, I have a confession. I totally cheated on my “no drinking for almost a week” pact with myself. I have no excuse, except for I really suck at life. If it makes up for anything, it was only a few beers, and I still didn’t get any sleep. But i did have a good night.

Moving on…

Every month or so I like to take a looksie at the search terms people have used to find my page. I really hate for people to end up on my site looking for some specific information, only to leave dissatisfied and empty handed. Therefore, I will do my best share with you my knowledge about some of the more popular search terms used to get here.

If you came here by way of one of these terms, you’re welcome!

“hairy arse removal pads”

You’re not being very specific, but I am guessing that you are searching for ways to remove the hair from your “arse,” and not remove the hairy”arse” altogether (although I’m sure I can find someone for this as well.) I am no expert on arse hair, but I do have my experience (as you know) with hair on other parts of the body. If your arse hair is especially thick, I’m thinking you should stick with old fashioned shaving. If it is more sparce, you could try burning the hairs (in an open, well ventilated area) just be careful not to pass gas. You could also try plucking them, but you may need ass-istance, and that may be hard to find.

“carissa blog dallas”

There is a chance you actually found what you were looking for. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

“picture hand with red dot due to liver”

Why? Why would you do that to me?  You freakin bastard. I am already really paranoid about a little red dot on my arm and my liver. So sorry, won’t find any information on this here. I try not to think about it, maybe you should do the same. Or try out web MD. But if it makes you feel any better, my doctor said it’s nothing to worry about. But then again, I don’t trust that guy. He once falsely told me I needed gallbladder removal.

“free pant pee poo movies”

I”m not so sure how you ended up here on this one. I can’t provide you with what you are looking for, especially for free, but you may want to google a little word called “scat.” (thank you gay friends)

“do you know that demented person?”

I’ve been called crazy, eccentric, nutty, unhinged, and cuckoo… but never demented so I know that you came here by mistake. Perhaps you were looking for him,  or him, or  her….

“how to make a pair of saggy boobs for haloween costume” (this was how it was spelled)

This was a popular one. There were also a few variations of this search including “home-made saggy boobs” Making Golden Girl boob sag” and “homemade booby.” I am no expert here, but I do have an idea. I say take a pair of pantie hose and cut them off around the calf. Stuff them with sand bags then sew the open end to your shirt at chest level. It doubt it will work, which is why for MY costume, I simply purchased a pair of saggy boobs on the internet. Good luck!

“a dying bird on the road bit my feet”

How very unfortunate for you! First off, you can’t be surprised that a dying bird bit your foot if you were stupid enough to stand in biting distance. You must have been nearly on top of that bird. It’s not like that bird has arms to reach out and pull your foot to it’s mouth. And what did you expect? The poor thing was dying and needed to take it’s anger out on someone!

And yes, you probably have rabies.

“diarrhea every time i urinate”

First off, congrats on your superb ability to spell diarrhea, I never get that right! Second, so sorry to hear about your problem. I wish I could say I haven’t been there. I bet it burns. I’m no doctor, but I would say to decrease the burning sensation, try sitting on a cool washrag or an ice cube. Otherwise, quit drinking so much beer, try to eat some more veggies, and maybe try to squeeze to hold it in.

“effects of swallowing a spoonful of cinnamon”

It’s a good thing you asked before you tried. While this may seem like a fun party trick, I can tell you first hand- there is nothing fun or funny about it. When you first swallow a heaping spoon full, you think you’re going to be able to handle it. After the first little bit goes down, you start to wheeze a little, and small particles of cinnamon start to float around in your trachea. Then you will undoubtedly try to take a sip of water because you are nearly choking to death, which only solidifies the cinnamon into a mush in your throat. At this point, your best bet is to start trying to push it out the way it came in.

“carissa mustache facebook”

There is only one picture that I can think of that you may be referring to:

Unless of course you zoom in, then any of my pictures may apply.

“holy shit its james franco fuck me sideways”

I’m not sure why this brought you here, but I agree full heartily. In fact, I’ll expand on sideways, and go ahead and include any missionary, doggie, fuck! I’ll take any position in the book. I wish I could share him with you… but I can’t let you leave here empty handed, so…

Image by danzden via Flickr

“my pee hole dropped to my vagina”

If this did in fact happen, then bravo to you my friend. Ohhhh… I wouldn’t be too proud or go around telling potential boyfriends or anything (because you are a freak.) But dude! Go turn yourself in for medical research! You could probably make loads of money. And when you do, don’t forget who told you this golden advice.

“pooping”

This is a very broad subject. I think I’m just going to have to refer you to my friend, Dr John Dorian for this one.

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It pains me to think about the fact that- somewhere in my parent’s house there are cassette tapes that (assuming someone could actually find a working tape player) would reveal countless hours of me singing a capella versions of Lisa Loeb and Salt and Peppa. And believe you me, they would be enough to drive you to cut your eardrums out with a paperclip.

Naturally I have spent hours, if not days, obsessing over the possibility of suffering a tragic accidental death. As sad as that is, I have probably spent twice that amount of time thinking about what will happen after the fact. After choking to death, I will probably be found in my kitchen in my underwear after yet another attempt at swallowing a spoonful of cinnamon without water. My naked flab will be shown on CNN and I will become the poster child warning folks about the dangers of mixing ambien with alcohol.

People will gather for my funeral and laugh and cry, remembering all the ridiculous things I have done. They will read my journals and wonder why, at the age of twenty six, I still listed out my favorite actors in the order that I would want to “do” them. At this point, I would like for each attendee will get to pick out a dvd from my collection to remember me by.

Then my mother will remember the tapes.

I imagine my memorial scene will turn into something like the barfarama scene in “Stand By Me.” Except instead of puking in disgust, everyone will laugh so hard that they are spitting red wine and chicken salad sandwiches out of their noses.

The only positive situation I can see that could possibly happen with those tapes-is that if I do happen to die in one of the tragic scenarios I have imagined, and it is covered by enough of the media, there is a slight chance I could become the post-mortem William Hung.

Now my real question is, if my parents can keep a cassette tape from the 80’s (that no one could possibly ever want to hear again,) how in hell does NASA lose  footage of their greatest accomplishment ever? I bet that since the late seventies nearly half of the human population’s parents have videotaped THEIR first steps on EARTH. Get it together NASA.

Regardless I’m not buying into the conspiracies. I’ve watched enough of the early episodes of Star Trek to know that that space special effects in 1969 weren’t that good.

Also, here is a good article debunking some of the conspiracies, in case you’re interested.

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2009/07/photogalleries/apollo-moon-landing-hoax-pictures/index.html

What I find to be much more important than the original moon walk video, is  the fact that the original Space Oddity video is still in great condition and is available for your viewing any time you want on youtube.

David Bowie\’s Space Oddity

And if I have peaked your curiosity enough to where you want to hear me sing before I’m dead, there is a very good possibility that I will be singing this very song, tonight, at a karaoke bar near you.