2-The number of times that I’ve washed my sheets since I moved in, or any of my clothes for that matter.  (We don’t have a washer or dryer)

2-The number of times I thought my roommate LA used her secret powers to dissapear since I’ve moved in. (We have really weird accoustics in this house so I can never tell where her voice is coming from. It’s really scary when you think you have known someone for 9 years and you’re just now discovering she has the ability to dissapear.)

9-The number of times that our ghost has scared the living daylights out of me since I’ve moved in.

148-The number of pimples that I have on my face due to stress and poor diet.

2-The number of bottles of face wash that I’ve owned in my lifetime.

8- The number of boxes I have yet to unpack. Most of them have books in them, and it’s only when they are all packed up and available that I actually want to read them.

45- The number of times that I’ve cheated on my diet since moving in.

45- The number of times that I’ve said “Tomorrow I’m starting my diet again, for real.” psssha

123,433,123- The approximate number of Jelly Bellies that I’ve consumed in the last 2 months.

3- The number of times that I thought that our new coffee maker was broken and was spilling water. Turns out that I was just ambien-preparing the coffee late at night, then woke up and made it again in the morning not realizing I had already prepared it the night before. For those of you who are unaware, when you put double the water in the coffee tank, the water spills out a little hole in the back, causing crazy people to believe that the coffee maker is broken.

9- The number of days since I’ve been on Match.com.

3-The number of times that I’ve signed on to Match. That shit takes up a lot of time, that frankly I don’t want to spend answering emails from strangers. I have gone out with one guy a few times which has been really fun… I just don’t understand how people have the mental energy and time to put into dating multiple people…

48-The number of times that I’ve gotten out of my current shower and had morbid thoughts that I was probably going to slip and crack my head open because I don’t have a bath mat.

135- The number of times in my life that I’ve wondered if Paul Rudd is actually a vampire. (That guy never ages, seriously)

4-The number of times in the last month that I’ve had weird dreams that somehow involved the Mac guy from the “I’m a Mac” commercials. I have no explanation for this one.

50- (At Least) The number of wine bottles that have been consumed since moving into this house.

3-The number of weeks since I have last gotten paid. I’m going on no monies at this point.

4- The number of times I’ve said that giving out massages with happy-endings might not actually be that bad of a moonlighting gig.

3- The number of big gigantic ketchup bottles that I have finished in 2 months.

2- The number of boys that I was not actually dating that have broken up with me in the last week. One was documented here, which I still feel a little guilty posting about since I’m a really really nice person. The other happened shortly after. It was actually the first comment posted on that particular post…

I have copied and pasted it below for you lazy bones who don’t want to go and see it for yourself:

___________

Jake 1 week ago

_______

For those of you who don’t remember, Jake is my gay best friend/ex-roomie. He’s the one who used to blow dry my hair and make the “whheeee whheeee” sound when I wanted to overeat. He used to break in my high heels and would  cook me dinner every night. I miss him. We weren’t so much peas and carrots, but we were definitely something like ketchup and baked potatoes.

I miss the way he used to sing “la la la la, la la la la la, la la la la la la la la .. ooooooooeeeeeeooooooooooooo,ooooooo ahhhhhhahhhhhhahhhhh (Lovin You, as performed in National Lampoons Vegas Vacation) No one, I mean nobody can hit that high note like he can.

On the same subject, if we break up, who will sing “I will Always Love You” at my wedding???? That is assuming someone will marry me of course.

I admit it has been hard to keep up a long distance (30 miles apart) relationship going, but I’ve had a lot going on… plus this thing goes both ways. I don’t see Jake coming to see me every weekend, or calling me every night. Isn’t the boy supposed to call the girl? Ok, Ok.. maybe the same rules don’t apply in a gaylationship. But still… I’m hurt.

Against All Odds

I thought it was a joke at first, but in the last week I have been getting numerous texts and Facebook posts that have lead me to believe that he is serious about breaking up. It upset me a lot, but it wasn’t until what went down on Facebook last night that I realized I needed to take action.

I have no idea how to do that thing where you screen shot facebook, but this is  how the status updates went down…

Jake ____ would like to officially announce to the world that I’m ignoring Carissa____. It’s been a long time coming…ooooooover “it”…whatever “it” is, or was!

Although this isn’t the first time that Jake and I have argued, it IS the first time that I have realized just how much of a serious problem us breaking up could mean.  Not only am I missing out on good times with my favorite goy on the planet. (Goy is my word for gay boy, duh.) But I am also potentially setting myself up for a scandal. It hit me like a thousand cactus pricks in my ass (no pun intended) that not only does Jake own the domain name for “CarissaJaded,” but he also has the sole ability to keep me from ever becoming president. Let’s be honest, I may not be the most obvious gal for the job, but I’d like to keep my options open.

So my response?

Me: sighhhhhhhh…

Me: sighhhhhhhhhhhhh…. **wine sound.

My Bestie: WHAT? WHAT IS WRONG THIS TIME? Do NOT tell me that you think you have brain cancer. If you think something is wrong, GO SEE A FREAKING DOCTOR!!!!!

Me: Nonono…. I haven’t even had a headache in like 3 days.

My Bestie: Well, what then… Lemme guess, you had a stroke? Appendicitis? Or did your Gallbladder erupt this afternoon?

Me: Ughhh that’s rude. You know I have Gallbladder issues. You are going to feel really bad when it actually does erupt.

Me: Sighhhhh, **half sob sound

My Bestie: You don’t have gallbladder issues. What is your problem?

Me: Well… I’ve had this pain in my mouth all day, and I just looked in the mirror and my gum is bleeding! I have Gum disease! Or maybe mouth cancer!! I’m going to be the only twenty-something yr old with fake teeth!

My Bestie: OHHH MY GOD! SERIOUSLY! This has got to stop. Every time I talk to you, you are dying of something. I”M REALLY GETTING SICK OF IT! I don’t think we can live together if you keep doing this. I AM SERIOUS!!!

Me: …. well Geeezzzz… you don’t have to be rude.

My Bestie: Well, you have a problem…

My Bestie: Anyway, it’s probably just halitosis.

_________________________________________________________________

Rude, Huh? But the more I think about it, she’s right. I have a problem. Somewhere in the last few years, I have become a full fledged, CooCoo for cocoa puffs, nut job, hypochondriac.

And I think I can trace my problem back to it’s origin.

It was a few years ago, back when I was still working in a cubical at a humongous  mortgage company. I was sitting at my desk, calmly looking at Craigslist job postings, when I looked down and saw it.

A little red dot.

Not where your thinking, bitches! This particular little red dot is actually on my forearm. It’s hardly noticeable, no bigger than a pin prick… but nonetheless, it’s there, clear as day.

What did I do next? I looked around to make sure nobody was approaching my cube, and I typed “little red dot” into the Google search engine. I only had to click on a few web pages before I came across a site that, in the last 3 years, I have probably single-handedly doubled their visitor count.

Yes. I’m talking about Mother fucking Web.MD.

Web MD told me that my little red dot could be a plethora of different diseases. A single red dot could mean anything from shingles to liver disease. After weeks of obsessing and crying, my friends finally talked me down from a cliff and into a Doctor’s office, where I was reassured that a little red dot, can actually just be a little red harmless dot.

I have since come to terms that I am a girl who has a little red dot on my arm, and there is nothing wrong with that. However; since my introduction to Web MD, I have been the host of numerous “ghost” diseases, infections and rashes.

There was the time I went to the doctor seven times in a month for a pain in my lower right back. After numerous tests I found out I was probably just suffering from gas. Sure enough when I cut down on the cheese, they disappeared.

Then there was the time I was sure I had a stroke. And liver disease. And every kind of cancer in the book. I can’t even make out with a guy without obsessing about pregnancy.

And of course, let us not forget that long, drawn out scabies incident where I ended up digging and burning my my skin  to get rid of the imaginary mites that I felt were  crawling under my skin.

You might think it would drive a person crazy, to have to live with so many plagues. I’ve actually gotten quite used to it. However; after my conversation yesterday, I realize that my problem has become more of a problem for you, my friends, than it is for me. I apologize for that. Thank you all for standing by me through the tough times and accompanying me to the Doctor and CVS. Thank you for lying, and telling me that you have the same symptoms, just to make me feel better (or shut up.)

I also realize, that now when I complain to you about my various ailments, you are no longer sympathetic. You used to ask me questions, call me numerous times a day to check on how I was feeling and send me reassuring text messages. I miss that.

Which is the reason that I vow to you today, I am no longer going to have Hypochondria. I am whisking it away just as I have all of my other ailments when the time was right.

So next time I tell you that I probably have kidney disease, or that my small intestine has a chicken bone lodged in it, I’m not bullshitting.

Now will you please go back to being the caring, sympathetic friends you used to be?

Muaaaaa!