I obsess, that’s just my nature.

Like my love for John Cusack… I’m sure you, internet, are even sick of hearing about it at this point. But still I trudge on and I will announce my love for all the world to hear once again…

I LOVE YOU JOHN CUSACK.

There I feel better. But not amazing.

I LOVE YOU JOHN CUSACK AND I WILL HAVE YOUR BABIES AND TICKLE YOUR ARMS EVERY NIGHT.

Now I’m rocking.

I take things too far in other ways too.

Despite the fact that I love performing comedy, I’ve never been particularly good at telling jokes, especially ones that other people wrote. However, I had  a a favorite joke when I was young, and I told it all the time.

There was once a young boy, and when he turned 3- his dad asked what he wanted for his birthday.

He told his dad he wanted 2 ping pong balls. One red and one blue.

The next year on his 4th birthday, his dad asked what he wanted for his birthday…

He told his dad he wanted 4 ping pong balls, 2 purple and 2 blue.

On his fourth birthday he told his dad he wanted 8 ping pong balls. 1 pink, 2 red, 2 orange, and 3 turquoise.

ect, ect, ect..

Then his dad dies..

Then he has a son of his own, and his son says “Dad what do you want for your Birthday?”

And he says, “Son, one day I will explain this all to you, but for my 30th Birthday – I want 37 ping pong balls. 30 magenta, 2 brown, and 5 neon green.

ect, ect, ect…

4 hours later..

The dad is on his death bed and his son asks for his final request, he says “onnnneeeee whittteee ping pong balllllll.”

The son asks his dad what was up with all the ping pong balls all these years… “Well son, it was because… becccaauussseeee……”

And then he dies.

You don’t have to tell me… I know! That was the worst joke ever. And if I told it the way I used to, it would take about 3 hours to read…. but still it made me laugh to see other’s go through so much suffering at my expense.

I love taking a joke too far, that’s all there is to it. A few years ago, my best friend almost befriended me because I made up a pointing game. I would think of any hand movement that inadvertently pointed to her, and she just about lost it. It went on for months. It was HILARIOUS to me. Not so much to her.

Well, it seems the world is finally getting back at me.

Every night for the last few weeks my roommate has filled up the Brita with water.

Every night I semi-watch her do so, yet I don’t take it in.

Every night within 15 seconds of her filling the Brita up with water, I pour myself a glass of water.

And every night the lid falls off and water spills all over the floor.

I suspect she thinks I’m doing it on purpose at this point. So not the case.

I’m not sure if my life has become a mockery of one of my passions, or what… but I do feel like it has become a mockery of one of my most favorite sketches EVER. (Mr. Show)

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OK that’s a lie. But mostly it’s not. I’ve really tried, and I think it’s working. I’ve been going to yoga every night. I’ve been meditating for at least 4 minutes before I start thinking about food. And more than anything, I’ve really kept most negative thoughts abay.

That’s a lie too.

Negative thoughts cross my mind all day long. I don’t know how to stop them. I DO think that I’ve found a solution though. Or at least a temporary fix. It’s simple. Every time I think of something negative, I accept it and then just justify it with something that I do feel positive about.

An example? OK.

You know what really sucks stinky poo?

When you get that dreaded email from your bank saying something like “You have asked to be alerted when your bank account drops below a certain level. It is now below that level.”

FUUUUDDGEEE. Seriously, where does all the money go? I mean I get paid week to week, so I know I can make it.. but still, I’m on a budget yo. I’m gonna have to have a baby for someone or quit buying songs on itunes or SOMETHING!

But you know what makes it all better?

Knowing that I spent my money in a wonderful way. The boo and I literally had our own Deep Ellum pub crawl. We went to every bar in walking distance and only had a drink at each. It added up… but so worth it.

You know what makes me want to kill small children?

When “Mambo No. 5 ” comes on my Pandora. Seriously. I like nothing even remotely close to this song. It hurts my soul and my heart and my brain.

But you know what makes me smile despite the fact that “Mambo No. 5″ has played twice in the last week?

Smile Smile’s new video for “Truth On Tape.” I still love them so much.

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You know what makes me want to scream expletives at my grandpa?

Pain. Human pain. Of the physical category.

But you know what makes me want to have Steve Buschemi’s babies?

Knowing that the pain came from a weekend of marathon getting it on. What qualifies as marathon you ask? Nineya yo business.

That and my new tattoo. I’ve always wanted a comedy and tragedy mask tattoo. I think it stems from my long love of the theater and comedy. But now that I’m trying to adapt to this new “positive thinking” style of life, I decided that I wanted something that was a little more positive. I wanted something that I could look at that would remind me how good life is. So I went with this…

You know what makes me want to eat a pound of cheesecake and cry?

The fact that the hair on my foot in this picture makes me look like a man.

But you know what makes that OK?

Nothing. I’m a lazy excuse for a woman. But then again, I think I’m OK with that.

Anyway, back to you… I am hoping I will eventually catch up to all 900 or so unread posts on my reader… but I’m thinking it may take a while.

This weekend was kind of insane. On Saturday I got to catch up with a bunch of my college sorority friends at a baby shower.  (Love you Lydia and little Oliver who will be born sometime in the next 10 days) I’m usually terrified of situations that have anything to do with babies… mostly because babies scare the hell out of me. But besides the slight panic attack that I had in Babies R Us whilst trying to get someone to help me figure out what a Diaper depot was and where in this freak house of miniature things it might be found, I had a pretty rockin time.

I got all Martha Stewart on your asses and even made cream cheese tortilla rolls for the second event this month. I completely forgot to add salsa, which is apparently a major ingredient, but no one  said anything if they noticed.

I think the most shocking moment for everyone was probably when I held one of my friend’s babies. I did have to sit down first in the style of a 10 year old… but it wasn’t even such a terrifying experience. I actually really liked holding her. I had to admit  that babies are kind of cute and soft and I kind of started wanting to eat her up… or at least pet her obsessively. That came out a lot creepier than I meant it. What I’m trying to say is that- while I still don’t have baby fever in any way shape or form, maybe I shouldn’t be so scared of hanging out with my mommy friends a little more often.

We also drank a whole lot of champagne. I haven’t been to many baby showers, but I am quickly finding out that they even though the preggers guest of honor can’t drink, it’s perfectly appropriate for everyone else to. Afterward, a few of us hit the streets of our college town, and basically didn’t stop until around 10:30 on Sunday night. We gave Sunday Funday a whole new meaning, which basically led to a pretty miserable Monday. Except for one part…

Yeah I know what you’re thinking, because I was thinking it to.

With all these Oscar-worthy movies coming out in the last week or so, why would I go see Roland Emmerich prove to the world that his dick is smaller than Michael Bay’s?

For one, I had to get at least one more popcorn-blockbuster-type movie in before I start spending most of my free time in the Angelika, watching foreign and arthouse-ish type films through January.

Also, I actually like really really like end-of -the-the-world-shit-blowing-up-disaster type films. Who doesn’t? If you say you didn’t like Independence Day, I’m so calling bullshit. And not just because Bill Pullman pretty much made the sexiest-voiced president ever in a film. These type of movies do exactly what they set out to do, and that is to entertain and get you excited. Yeah yeah yeah, I admit that it was essentially one near death experience after another, but it definitely kept me on my toes. I spontaneously decided to forgo the gym and go see it by myself after work, but if someone would have been with me I probably would have spent the second half of the movie punching them in the arm.

I was planning on writing a full-on movie review, but I knew what that would turn into…

A post about nothing except for my love for John Cusack, and that can get old really fast. Just ask anyone that knows me in real life.

But seriously. I love the man… skewed political opinions and all. I don’t know what it is about this guy, but just seeing him on the screen makes me all giddy and butterflies in the stomach and all that nonsense that the thirteen year old me felt when opening up a Tiger Beat magazine that featured a pin up of Brad Renfro.

In complete honesty, I would probably love any movie that this man was in, (with the exception of The Contract, because that movie just sucked balls) and I completely blame John Cusack for the fact that I have spent the better part of my life single. How can a girl settle down with someone unless he shows up at your window with a boom-box and professes his love to through the musical stylings of Peter Gabriel? I’m still waiting!

And the thing that gets me the most about him is that he’s just so damn average. He’s good looking in a “guy that you see in your local grocery store” sort of way…  He usually plays these average down and out cynical characters, that are passionate about books and movies and music… but the dude always wins… and you really want him to.

2012 is no exception. I would much rather see the John Cusack continuously narrowly escape being blasted by fire balls and falling into the earth than Brad Pitt or George Clooney. You know they’ll escape. I would rather watch John Cusack do anything on the screen. Speaking of my favorite award night of the year, how has this man never been nominated?

See what I’ve done here? And I must stop. Mostly because I may need to change my panties.

Don’t be surprised if the next time you come here there is John Cusack wallpaper on my background. I will go there.

But until then… I’ve missed you and go see 2012!!! Now!