I know that I’ve had several self epiphany posts in the last few months, but those moments are inspiring… plus they rarely happen, so when they do- I feel like I really have to cherish them.

The last year hasn’t been easy. I specifically remember writing last year that 2009 was the worst year ever, but I think that I can safely say that in terms of hardship, heartache, and hellamotherfucking tribulations- 2010 has hands down been the most difficult year of my life. Even though the shit has hit the fan significantly fewer times in the last few months compared with the first 3 quarters of the year- I’ve still been dealing with a lot of the poo debris.

I’ll even admit to you that less than a week ago, I was on the verge of the ultimate melt-down. The week following my move I had worked harder than I had in a long time at both of my jobs. I hadn’t been able to sleep. I hit a curb small wall and busted a tire. I lost my license, my debit card and then my temporary debit card at three different locations. Then got into a wreck. I literally thought about busting down the door to the closest therapist’s office and begging her to commit me to a looney bin so that maybe, just maybe- I could take a few weeks off to de-stress and figure out my life. Or in the very least,  they would medicate me enough so that I could get some sleep. Luckily, it didn’t have to come to that. I made my first grown up therapist appointment, and at the risk of sounding crazy, it felt freaking amazing to get some stuff off my chest. I’m not going to lie though, the next few days following the appointment were even more difficult. I thought about things that I had been forcing myself to ignore, and for the first time in years I had to really figure out what I’m trying to achieve, what direction I want to grow. And that, my friend, is no easy task.

Tonight though, I feel like something inside of me finally moved. I’ve had moments of happiness the last few months, but mostly I’ve found myself crying in my car over things that I can’t control.

As I was driving home from dinner tonight, I found myself once again, crying in my car. But this time it was different. I’m not sure if it is the approaching holiday, the fact that there we are in midst of a total eclipse of the heart AND a winter solstice, or that I had just finished an amazing dinner with my aunts, (who are two of the most wonderful and inspiring people in my life)- but a feeling of euphoric happiness overcame me. I’m serious, it was a serious Lifetime Christmas movie moment.

It hit me that YES, I’ve been down on skid row for the last year or so- but things are only as bad as I let them be. I can’t control everything, but I can change the things I want to change. I have so much to be thankful for. I have been so wound up in the little things, that I haven’t taken the time to look around and realize how good things really are. And that’s when it hit me. This is the season to be jolly… but even  more for me- it’s the season to be JOFFY. Yeah I made it up. What’s new? It stands for things that I’m thankful for right now. How’s that for a Lifetime Christmas movie moment?

JOFFY=Jobs, Opportunities, Friends, Family, and Yultideness.

I know you want some more details, right? Either way, I’m gonna give em’ to ya.

Jobs: I know from time to time I complain about being stressed out and overly busy, but you know what? I actually like it this way. Moreover, I’ve never been in a position where I love the people that I work with and what I do so much. Neither of my “jobs” are overly stressful, the people that I work with are genuinely good and inspiring people, and unlike any other work I’ve ever done, I never really dread going into the office. My second job is exciting. I’ve only been doing it for a few months and it’s already taught me a lot about myself. I like coordinating people. I like meeting new people. I like being a part of something that’s growing and that I really believe in. Plus, it’s a really good time.I can’t wait to see what I learn in the jobs category next year. Me be excited.

Opportunities: When it feels like I’m worst place ever, I can freak out like my momma took away my WOW privileges, or I can try something new. I mean hell’s bells, we live in AMERICA. Actually that’s beside the point. The point is we are humans, and for the most part we can take control of our own lives. I see people do it all the time.  Have you seen Intervention? I mean sure half of the time those people relapse, and sometimes worse-they die-but for the most part; when they really want to change, they do. They get better. If they can over come drugs, I can overcome a bad day. I’m so sick of talking about the things that I want to do. This next year I’m actually going to do them. For me, right now, I want to learn to play the guitar I just bought. I want to write more. I want to get back into doing comedy in one form or another. I want to keep meeting people who enrich my life. I want to try as many new things as possible. And now I’m going to quit talking and start doing. Cause I can.

Friends: I know I talk about them all the time, but I’m going to do it once again because they are awesome. I honestly don’t think I could have gotten through the last year without them. I have so many wonderful people in my life I can’t even believe it sometimes. Some of them are people I talk to daily. Some are people I only talk to every few months or so, but they all have given me so much. One thing I can say about 2010 is that it was the year that I’ve met the coolest people ever. I don’t know all of them as well as I’d like to, (I’m looking at you, hiuhime) but I love the fact that I have friendships to look forward to.

Family: If I’m completely honest, for the first half of 2010- I wanted to get a Macauley Culkin divorce from my family. Not all of them and not all of the time, but  I probably would have taken a job in Egypt just to get away from it all. Then at some point everything changed. I realized that through the tough times, we had gotten closer than ever. Even when things were at there worst, I relied on my parents for so much. It took a divorce and some serious tears for us all to realize how good we have it. My sister is my best friend in the world and my rock. My cousins are my sanity. My aunts and uncles are my inspiration and what I strive to be. Did I mention my parent’s got remarried last Friday? Now we are a real family again. If that’s not a Carissamas Christmas miracle, then I don’t know what is.

Yuletideness: CHRISTMAS! Isn’t that what Yuletide means? Well even if it’s not,  that’s how I’m using it. Really I just needed a “Y” word, and that’s the only “word” I could think of that would make semi-sense. But for serious,this is the first year in a really long time that I’ve been excited about Christmas. I don’t really have the money to buy gifts this year, and I there is not a thing in the world that I could ask for other than some good old-fashioned family time. And maybe a cactus. And maybe some incense. But other than that? Just my family. And maybe some cranberry sauce. And always some wine.

And to all of you??? Have the best holiday of your life, cause you never know when it will be the last.

I kid. You have at least until 2012.

No, seriously. I love you all and I cannot tell you how much each of you mean  to me. Especially you and you. Oh and you over there. And you facebook stalker. And you John Cusack. Especially you John Cusack. Also you old high school friends. And you stupid face. And you family. And you random googlers. Have a merry merry JOFFY day. I don’t know how much I’ll be around until after the new year, but I’m always reading! HOE HOE HOE!

I don’t know about you, but the last few years as my thirties have been looming over me, I’ve had to face a few harsh realizations. I’ll never learn to do my “nine” times tables without using my fingers, my left knee will always forecast the weather better than Al Roker, and unfortunately; I’ll either have to work out until I’m 65 and don’t care anymore- or I’ll end up working in Vegas as a Rosie O’Donnell impersonator.

I’m weird about working out. I do it in spurts. For months at a time I’ll get on a kick where I’ll be getting physical more than Olivia Newton John- and then I’ll get burnt out and my hard core workouts will slowly trickle into slow walks around the block. Or mosies, as I like to call them.

For years, I hated going to gym more than I hated doing algebra. You couldn’t pay me to enter a building where people wore tight clothing and made faces like they were having sex as they lugged huge pieces of metal and ran on a machine with no destination and when no scary person was chasing them with a gun. A gym used to be nothing to me but a sweat sauna. I thought that I would walk in and everyone would stare at me and judge me for my rolls of fat and for not being enthusiastic about doing sit-ups. I hated that there was a place that encouraged people to do sit-ups. A gym, in short- was my version of hell.

Now I see things a bit different.

Don’t get me wrong, I still despise going to the gym. If given the choice, I’d rather sit on the couch and watch a Hannah Montana marathon, but as I said before- I don’t really have that choice at this point in my life. I can still complain about it until my face turns blue- and I could will throw tomatoes at Tony’s stupid face on the TV screen if you make me do P90X, but that doesn’t change the fact that it has to be done. I don’t think I’ll ever enjoy it. I will say that I still enjoy dancing and I love the way yoga makes me feel, but everything else? Is for the birds. If someone says that they truly love spin class, their pants are either on fire or they are freak-flying over the cuckoo’s nest.

I will say this though, as much as I hate going to the gym- I have learned how to thoroughly enjoy myself once I get there. And since I love you all so much, I’ve decided to let you in on my secrets.

1. Be better than someone.

Whether you are a newbs at the gym, or a novice at pumping iron- I can promise you this: there is always someone there that you can beat at something. My gym is full of older people and women who use the gym as social hour…there is always someone I can beat at working out. It may sound a little mean, but let me tell you- you get on a treadmill next to someone who is about the same level of in-shape as you, and keep a close eye on their treadmill to make sure that you are going a tiny bit faster and burning a few more calories- and it’s no longer a workout- it’s a competition. Within a few minutes you’ll want to break out in a full-on run just to prove that you can.

That’s kind of why I like going to aerobics classes. The minute that I want to keel over and die, I simply look around for someone who is half-assing it more than I am, and then turn it up just a tad bit. It doesn’t mean you have to work a whole lot harder. Just enough to feel good about yourself that you can do more sit-ups than an 80 year old man. Win. And it’s always fun to win.

2. Pretend that it is all a performance.

This may sound a little weird, but if you change your frame of mind a little bit- it’s a guaranteed good time. Rather than thinking of my work-out as simply a time to burn calories and firm up my jelly, I prefer to play a character. This will probably be a little easier for those of you with a flare for the dramatic, but if you can get there- I promise it will change your life forever.

As I mentioned before, I have always loved to dance. More than that- I love to be on stage and role-play. I do it in all other facets of my life, so why not at the gym? If I’m in spin class, I pretend that I’m actually a biker on get-away race. If I’m swimming laps, in my brain I’m actually in the movie Jaws, trying my damndest to out-swim old sharp tooth. When I’m in aerobics class, I am performing in an aerobics video. When it looks to you that I’m lifting weights, in my head I’m actually starring in a sports movie-montage. The music you choose to listen to plays a key role in the tone and mood of your performance. It’s your soundtrack, so choose wisely. Bob Dylan is grand- but he doesn’t make well for a well- played character, unless you want to go all Clint Eastwood in the gym. Not only does role-playing take your mind away from what your actually doing, but it also helps you to achieve a damn good work-out. You don’t think Natalie Portman lost 20 pounds by just sitting on her ass, do you?

3. Make it all a performance.

Sometimes, playing a role in your head just isn’t enough. In fact, once your in character- often times, you can’t help but letting it out a little bit- and it feels good. It might be a little daunting at first, but a lot of people do it. Just look around. Those dudes don’t HAVE to make the grunting sound when they’re lifting dumb-bells. No. They are letting they’re inner Sylvester Stallone show through- and you should too.

It doesn’t have to be overly obvious; you can just take it as far as you feel comfortable. For instance, when your walking on the treadmill and listening to a Hilary Duff song on your ipod that you don’t know the words to, mouth them anyway. Nod your head. Don’t be afraid to dance a little. This is the only time in your life when people won’t know that you don’t actually know the words that you’re faking. Even sing a word out loud now and then. People around you will feel jealous that you are having so much fun, which once again- makes your workout a win.

If you happen to be in a Palates class, don’t be afraid to stare at yourself seductively in the mirror. If you’re in weight aerobics, add in the hip shakes and shoulder bounces when you feel so inclined. Focus on yourself in the mirror, and just know that everyone else in there is focusing on themselves as well. If you’re running on a track, stop and do a silly dance. If you’re lifting weights and Bohemian Rhapsody comes on your ipod, stop and use the weight as a microphone for a moment. Stop caring what anyone else thinks. Working out doesn’t benefit anyone but you, so you should only worry about yourself while doing it.

4. Point and Laugh.

This is going to sound completely hypocritical after all that I’ve said before about feeling self conscious at the gym and how everyone focuses on their selves while working out; but your just going to have to accept the fact that I am, actually a bit of a hypocrite. But I would be even more so if I said that I didn’t enjoy making fun of people in my head a little bit. And believe me, if you follow my advice about roll-playing and making your work-out a performance, I can promise you that people will be making fun of you in their heads too, so just think of it as pay-back. And payback is always a bitch.

Besides, other than Six Flags, there is no better place in the world to people watch than the gym. There are all kinds of interesting people who have to work out just like we do. People wear weird things to the gym. They make weird faces. They talk to their friends about interesting personal matters. They do weird things with their mouths when they think no one is watching. They wear gray pants so it looks like they have peed when they get crotch sweat. So watch…. and laugh quietly to yourself as you do your own weird things. It makes time go by so fast, and it will get your mind off of thinking you are going to pass out.

5. Mix it up a bit.

Everyone always says to mix up your workouts so that you won’t get bored. That is not what I mean at all. Although I do have to say that that works too.

What I’m talking about though, is something entirely different. As much as you might mix your actual workout up, it’s still a workout. So to make things interesting and entertaining- you have to really think outside the box and change the other factors that play into your workout.

Try listening to something out of the ordinary on your ipod. I use my exercise time as music exploration time. Yesterday, I listened to nothing but jazz. Last week, I listened to history podcasts. When I do choose to listen to my same old mix, I have to keep myself on my toes somehow, so I decided a while back to put Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You up” in my work out mix several times, only I went into my itunes and changed the title and artist as another band that I put on my mix so that I will effectively rickroll myself at least once a workout. It never fails to make me laugh.

I also decided that since the girls who wear sports bras and other ridiculous work out attire, are so entertaining to me- that I would join them in making my outfit enjoyable to others. I try to always wear ridiculous t-shirts to the gym. I even cut the arm-pits out of an old NSYNC shirt, because it makes me laugh.

If your really brave, try wearing an early 90′s thong leotard paired with lycra leggings and an exercise belt. Then you’ll really be able to role-play flash dance! Perhaps the next time your in aerobics and your teacher decides to put on techno-music, you should get up and flick the lights on and off to make it like a gay-bar. Why the hell not? Your paying for it. What are they going to do, kick you out?

Well maybe…. But regardless, working out sucks balls- but I hope that I could be of at least a little assistance in making it more fun for you.

Guess who’s back? Back again?

Annnnd now you have a Backstreet Boys song in your head. Win for me.

The last week has been so crazy I don’t know my ass from my mouth. No wait. That’s a little weird. But it’s true. I may have lost my mind a little. You might say it’s somewhere up my ass.

It’s not like I’m literally shoving cinnamon toast up my butt or scratching my mouth or anything, but I honestly haven’t had a second to get a grip on what’s going on in my life. My phone was dead for three days straight and I have spent as much time on twitter and facebook as I have watching trashy reality shows on MTV, which is not at all.

It all really started going high speed last Thursday night. I had to work on Friday night, so Thursday evening I turned on my reserve used only in emergencies energy mode. The movers (my parents) were supposed to arrive at my house at 8am on Saturday so I had to have everything ready and packed.

In the past, I’ve always treated a move like a getaway. I usually spend about an hour running around stuffing things into black trash bags with absolutely no organization tactics. Sheets and shoes and roller clips and the random dirty pair of underwear would be smooshed together with a package of incense and a game of monopoly. Which, really isn’t a bad way to go as long as you never have to unpack.

This time though, I really wanted to do things differently. I’m tired of living a life of clutter. I’m sick of never knowing where anything is. I hate that I only wear 10 out of my 200 t-shirts.

And so I did.

It wasn’t easy, and it wasn’t fun- but it’s something that I’ve been needing to do for the last 8 years.

I literally cleaned out my life.

And it feeelllllllsssss good.

I went through every item of clothing, every shoe, every ratty pair of underwear- and I threw everything out that was old or didn’t fit, or that I hadn’t worn in ages. I threw out the 3 year old box of chocolates from a Valentines Day past. I tossed the napkins that my ex-deaf boyfriend and I had used to communicate on on our first date many years ago. I let go of the scratched mixed- cds that I kept hoping science would come up with a cure for. I gave up my old vintage purses that I haven’t used in years. I found notes and cards that were stashed away in the bottom of my drawers and in between the pages of my favorite books- I gave them one last read- and I tossed them (most of them).

I realized I had been holding on to so much that I didn’t need. I’ve always been bad at letting go; but it was time. Most of the stuff I threw out was trash, but a lot of it were things that I was holding onto for sentimental reasons. It’s not that I want so many THINGS in my life, but I think I’m just an emotional hoarder.  I don’t ever like things to really be over. I hate saying goodbye. Even when something is finito- I don’t want to lose the proof that it happened.

But you know what I’ve realized the last few days? Every time I picked up an item that I’ve kept to remind me of something- I either already clearly remembered the moment, or it was something that I would have rather not remembered. Things come and go for a reason. The important memories stick with us even if we don’t have a t-shirt to commemorate the event. I don’t need to keep a ticket stub to every movie I’ve ever gone to. I’ll remember the good ones, and I’ll push the bad ones from my mind without even meaning to. I don’t need a letter to remind me of a relationship that I don’t even want to remember. I don’t need to save every shirt I’ve ever loved. I got to say a happy and healthy goodbye to all the things in my life that once were so important, and now I feel better.

And even more, for the first time in ten years I can shut my dresser without having to put my entire body weight into it. I can open a drawer without having to sit in it first to push it’s contents down. I can open a box without seeing every broken relationship staring me in the face. I finally feel that I can truly take the next step in my life.

As usual, I broke into an audible cry as I drove away from my old house. Even though we were only there for 8 months, we had a lot of good times there. But as I unpacked, I started feeling better and better about the things that are to come. I’m excited about starting my new, clean life. I’m ready to start collecting new memories. I’m happy.

Life- I hope your wearing a sturdy cup- cause I’m ready to grab you by the balls.