Make sure you check back to Lilu’s Archives… You will laugh your ass off!

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*Some people have more shame than I do, so in an effort to preserve a friendship- I thought my friend might enjoy the retelling of this story in the form of poetry… Because really, this was a very poetic moment in both of our lives, I’m sure. I have already gotten in trouble for telling this story before, but it’s just too frickin funny not to share!

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The Legend of the Log

Here doth lie a legend
that has spread far and wide
About a very dear friend of mine
and what came out from their behind.

It was long ago in college
And I will not share my friend’s name.
I’m hoping the fact I’m attempting to rhyme-
Will lighten their level of shame.

I had just moved in to a new place
With 3 girls I did not know-
My friend had eaten a lot of cheese
And finally had to… “go” go.

After a few minutes in private
I hear my friend’s loud cry
For what was laid was way too big,
And the water was rising high.

I usually wouldn’t have cared so much
But I’d only been there one night.
If my new roommates thought I broke the commode,
We’d probably never be tight!

So I went in the room to help my friend
to devise a little plan-
I looked to see what they did lay
and wandered how in the hell did THAT fit in the can.

I didn’t own a plunger,
and I couldn’t find a net…
Neither of us would touch it-
We couldn’t live with that regret

You may not already know this-
buy I’m actually quite smart
I knew the only solution
What to slice that turd apart.

I went into the kitchen
and found a plastic knife,
I also grabbed a plastic fork
Just to be polite.

I know not why the job was mine
but I did what I had to do
Using that fine cutlery
I began to poke that poo.

I literally “cut the crap” my friend,
I sliced up that big load
I did all this to save the day
and flush down the commode.

Ok people! I apologize for my lack of poetic ability! Have a great day!

A new leaf off the tree-

I’ll spend each bit of precious time

Only doing good for me

I plan to get up early,

Maybe go for a long run.

I would really like to watch T.V.

But there is no time for fun.

I’ll take a shower, clean real well-

And even shave my legs.

Refrain from shopping for new clothes

And parties filled with Kegs.

Then I’ll do the dishes-

The sink is piled high.

I’ll sweep and mop and mow the grass

That’s long surpassed my thigh.

I’ll launder all my dirty clothes

And fold them when I’m done-

I’ll buy fresh goods from the market place,

Right now my fridge has none.

I’ll write some notes to all my friends

Who are afar and over sea-

A hurricane has hit my room,

So I’ll pick up the debris.

I’ll go and change my oil

Maybe go and find a job

I’ll volunteer at the nursing home

And fix that old door knob.

With all these thoughts and plans

I’ve grown tired and feel dismay-

I’m thinking now that my new leaf

Can wait another day.

Oh Seinfeld, my Seinfeld- how I need you in life
Though you went off the air 11 years ago
I still watch you in syndication every night.

You may have been a show about nothing-
But your lessons were never in vein-
In fact, my one true goal in life
Is to be just like George, Jerry, Kramer and Elaine.

Jerry always told his jokes,
Keeping his friends up in a riot…
Just don’t make him wear a puffy shirt
Because of course- “I don’t wanna be a pirate!”

George, he never did anything right,
Constantly getting himself into trouble
He would con anyone- in any situation-
He once even cheated in a game-with a boy in a bubble.

Elaine was somewhat of a serial dater
She’s so cute with her hair all curly…
She once slept with Jerry just to save the friendship-
But just once, because he wasn’t “sponge-worthy.”

Kramer, he always had his schemes-
A pizza place where you put your own topping on the dough
A coffee table book about coffee tables,
And of course you can’t forget the “Manzierre,” or was it the “Bro?”

The gang always met the strangest people
Some who were really off their rocker
In my life I can’t say I’ve known anyone quite like
The high, the low… or the close talker.

Every week was a new adventure,
George takes of his clothes to go poo!
I just won’t follow their lead when I’m ordering lunch
Or I might just hear
NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!

George found the negative in any situation
While Jerry made fun of anyone human,
But if there ever was anything fishy going on-
I’ve got just one word for you-
NEWMAN!

These Pretzels are making me thirsty-they said
And Festivus is the best Holiday…
If you ever have trouble finding Co-Stanza
Then look for an architect, named Art Vandalay.

Yada yada yada, Seinfeld was the best
I’ve got so many memories locked up in the vault
George, Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer -don’t you ever change
I love you, my show without a plot!

*Note- this was originally a piece I did for a monologue show a few years ago, thought I’d share!

I just don’t understand..

Like why do birds have wings to fly,

While we’re stuck here on land?

As a girl of six or seven

I was curious and keen-

I wandered what the difference was

Between girls and boys I mean?

I went to ask my mom,

Her face a crimson red-

“That’s something you will learn one day-

but only once you’ve wed.”

Disappointed with her answer,

I went to find my dad-

With hopes that he could shed some light

On the question that I had.

I heard him in the bathroom-

So I threw open the door

His back faced me but what I saw

I’d never seen before.

I  snuck away without a sound

And waited for my turn,

Curious to test myself-

A lesson I would learn.

The doing was not so easy,

But I knew I had to try.

I stood and thought this can’t be good-

Pee trickled down my thigh.

The moral to this story

The difference that was taught-

Is that boys can pee while standing up

But girls they just cannot!

bent down to pick it up,

I noticed its head was showing

So I thought I’d have good luck.

I put it in my pocket

and headed on my way

but on the road I walked by a man

who said “its not your day.”

With gun in hand, he took my purse

and searched it for some cash-

He took my money, cards, and watch,

that’s when I saw his rash.

As he walked off I had to puke

For then I did realize

that his bumpy, red and oozing arm

had grazed across my thigh.

I rushed right home to take a bath,

but when I rose from bed-

I felt the bumps and wished that I

had found a dime instead.

One year it was my birthday

I hadn’t got a call

I sat depressed, that’s when I felt

I had no friends at all.

But then I heard a knocking

from someone at the door-

I thought with glee that Someone cares!

my day I can restore.

But when the door was open

I found that they had flown-

but left a box that clearly said

“Happy Birthday” from “unknown.”

Too dumb to feel suspicion

I looked what was inside

“What luck!” I thought “A rabbits foot!”

I couldn’t hide my pride.

With my ego now repaired-

I went out on my own

to a pub right in my neighborhood

and sat up on a throne.

The beers went down like water,

the liquor fogged my head-

Got up too quick to use the loo

and tripped on my own leg.

The world was dark for quite a while

but soon I knew the truth-

my mouth was filled with streaming blood

and not just from one tooth

A hand reached down to help me up

I saw to my surprise-

It was my love from long ago

a man who I despise.

I sobered up real quickly-

not from pain but from my grief

For who was right beside him?

his new wife with all her teeth.

One day as I sat reading

I found a clover leaves of four.

I thought I must be seeing things

so I counted them once more.

I pulled the clover from the ground

and pressed it in my book

If I had known what it would bring

This clover I would not have took.

I then resided reading

but only for a while-

I heard a rustle in a bush

that made me jump about a  mile.

I breathed in deep and clutched the book

that held my good luck charm

for what was running towards me

was a reason for alarm.

It was a man all clad in green

I froze in my appall

at the speed which he was moving

For he was only three feet tall!

I turned and started running

away from my nightmare

but the little man was at my heels

I quickly said a prayer.

Soon the lad did trip me

and snickered as he said-

“I must cut off all you hair now!”

and he took me by the head.

I tried to make a protest

and I tried to get away

but the little mite had quite a grip

and snipped with no delay

He left me there alone and bald

ashamed to tell my friends-

that all because I took a plant

and failed to make amends

A leprechaun took all my hair

my worth and dignity

Oh how I wish the that clover had

only leaves of three!

when going out with guys.

No hopes that they will pay for me

or use polite replies.

I never think I’ll meet a man

who opens up the door

Who speaks with wit about sensible things

or one that’s not a bore.

I’ve never dreamt of princely men

upon a horse of white.

Or ones who keep the house real clean

Or share the covers at night.

I’ve never hoped with longing

for men with fortune or with fame

It doesn’t matter what they have-

These boys are all the same.

I have few expectations-

Just one to entertain…

I just can’t seem to find him-

A man who has a brain.