I obsess, that’s just my nature.

Like my love for John Cusack… I’m sure you, internet, are even sick of hearing about it at this point. But still I trudge on and I will announce my love for all the world to hear once again…

I LOVE YOU JOHN CUSACK.

There I feel better. But not amazing.

I LOVE YOU JOHN CUSACK AND I WILL HAVE YOUR BABIES AND TICKLE YOUR ARMS EVERY NIGHT.

Now I’m rocking.

I take things too far in other ways too.

Despite the fact that I love performing comedy, I’ve never been particularly good at telling jokes, especially ones that other people wrote. However, I had  a a favorite joke when I was young, and I told it all the time.

There was once a young boy, and when he turned 3- his dad asked what he wanted for his birthday.

He told his dad he wanted 2 ping pong balls. One red and one blue.

The next year on his 4th birthday, his dad asked what he wanted for his birthday…

He told his dad he wanted 4 ping pong balls, 2 purple and 2 blue.

On his fourth birthday he told his dad he wanted 8 ping pong balls. 1 pink, 2 red, 2 orange, and 3 turquoise.

ect, ect, ect..

Then his dad dies..

Then he has a son of his own, and his son says “Dad what do you want for your Birthday?”

And he says, “Son, one day I will explain this all to you, but for my 30th Birthday – I want 37 ping pong balls. 30 magenta, 2 brown, and 5 neon green.

ect, ect, ect…

4 hours later..

The dad is on his death bed and his son asks for his final request, he says “onnnneeeee whittteee ping pong balllllll.”

The son asks his dad what was up with all the ping pong balls all these years… “Well son, it was because… becccaauussseeee……”

And then he dies.

You don’t have to tell me… I know! That was the worst joke ever. And if I told it the way I used to, it would take about 3 hours to read…. but still it made me laugh to see other’s go through so much suffering at my expense.

I love taking a joke too far, that’s all there is to it. A few years ago, my best friend almost befriended me because I made up a pointing game. I would think of any hand movement that inadvertently pointed to her, and she just about lost it. It went on for months. It was HILARIOUS to me. Not so much to her.

Well, it seems the world is finally getting back at me.

Every night for the last few weeks my roommate has filled up the Brita with water.

Every night I semi-watch her do so, yet I don’t take it in.

Every night within 15 seconds of her filling the Brita up with water, I pour myself a glass of water.

And every night the lid falls off and water spills all over the floor.

I suspect she thinks I’m doing it on purpose at this point. So not the case.

I’m not sure if my life has become a mockery of one of my passions, or what… but I do feel like it has become a mockery of one of my most favorite sketches EVER. (Mr. Show)

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Well recently my aunt (whom I love dearly) has posted a few pictures on my Facebook page, which you may have already seen if you’re my facebook friend. If you’re not, feel free to add me now…

These old pics got me thinking thinking that maybe I should take you through a little hot tub time machine of my life… the good, the bad, and the completely awkward. So ummm let’s all get naked and go for a ride, shall we?

I don’t really understand the concept of baby time, so I have no idea how old I was here… but I’m going to go with baby. Maybe even newborn. I do know I was born with hair… so possibly?

Here I must have been a little bit older. Still have no concept of age, but it looks like maybe I was taking a first step or attempting it? No clue. Still, I don’t look so happy to be wearing a weird jumper thingie.

I guess I should count my blessings none of my baby-pics were taken with me in an eyepatch….

What appears to be shy and innocent, is in fact -never shy and innocent.

Ugh. Yeah.. I was a girlscout. Or “Brownie” or whatever we called them. Those cheeks are evident of the fact that I ate a lot of cookies…

Check out those Keds. And also that feather.

I wan’t homeless… this was just an “Annie” costume.

Things only got more awkward from this point… If you look closely, I needed to pluck my eyebrows at the ripe ole age of 7. Awesome.

(5th Grade) No wonder I didn’t have any friends… EEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK What was I wearing mom? What was with that hair?

Ok… this was probably 7th grade. With the exception of the overalls…  I think I had a bit of an improvement.

I don’t have any pics to share with you at this time of me in between the ages of Jr High and Sr Year… but just imagine an awkward girl wearing either Umbros, Long Pepe shorts, or vintage clothes that had no business appearing in the mid-nineties, and you should get the picture.

The classic graduation pic. I can’t believe my 10 yr reunion is this summer. What in the hell?

So yeah. Thanks for viewing my lame post. I have shied away from posting old pics mostly because they’re awkward and yucky and I hate the and I think you probably don’t care… But I figured they were at my disposal, so why not?

And on a very similar subject, some of my bestest buddies, my old roommates whom (who?) (at this hour I don’t care) I miss  dearly just started a website, Relive the 90′s.com but it doesn’t seem to be working at this moment. So what you need to do is follow them on their twitter here.. and when the site becomes available, submit your favorite pic/memory/toy/movie WHATEVER you love and find near and dear… It was up and running earlier today, so hopefully it will be by now!

Happy Wednesday people!

Yeah, that was me. Or so I thought.

Turns out I was wrong. Mostly…

I am laid back, and I will do whatever is thrown at me, and I am up to trying new things… just as long as I can fit those things nicely into my daily routine.

There. I’ve said it. It’s something I’ve been in denial of for the last few years. I haven’t even been able to admit it to myself, in my own brain. This week, however, I have had no choice because it has been repeating itself in my head like a big snare drum or my mother’s pet cockatoo.

I am a creature of habit. I must abide by the routine.

I haven’t always been this way. There was a time in my life when I was ok without a routine because my life required me to be. One day I would come home and eat and early dinner, and the next I wouldn’t eat until eleven at night. One morning I would have class at eight am and the next morning I would sleep until one.

I’m not sure if it was work, or starting to exercise  and drastically changing my diet, or just taking a little bit more control over my life that influenced it- but at some point in the last few years I became a habitual person.

Every week day, I wake up around 7am:15am and head to work at 7:30. I eat every day at 11:45. I leave work at 5:00 and head straight to the gym. After I work out, I come home, eat dinner, take a shower, spend at least an hour writing something and then either play on the internet or watch a movie. Every so often I forgo the gym and eating dinner at home, and will meet friends for drinks or go to the movie theater, but not often enough to where I feel out of control.

The last few days as I’ve been preparing to move, things have gotten crazy. I know for most people it probably wouldn’t be such a big ordeal, but for those of you who know me or have been following me for a while- let’s all think for a moment about the “hurricane” that is my life.

I know I just admitted here to all the internets that I do, in fact, have to have a routine- but there is practically nothing else in my life that is in order. When I say that my life is a mess, I’m not speaking metaphorically. I mean that the things in my life are a fucking mess. I promised myself that with this move, I would finally attempt to organize my “tangible” life, which is no easy task.

My car is a disaster. My jewelery is in knots. There are receipts, letters, keepsakes, and pieces of paper with random thoughts and ideas jotted on them- stuffed in drawers and piled in stacks around my room. I have had to do about 30 loads of laundry, and half of those clothes are 8 sizes too big and have been in the back of my closet for the last year and a half. I have at least 30 half-pairs of socks, which I just don’t understand.

I’m starting to feel a little better with each task that I complete, but at the same time peeps- I’m going freaking crazy!!! I’ve had to make several  trips to the store to get boxes or trash bags or cleaning supplies. I am extremely ADD so I’ve started a million different tasks that I haven’t yet finished, which just makes everything feel chaotic. Even when I’m not staying on task, I’m thinking about what I need to be doing- or most often, what I’m not doing that I would like to be doing.

I haven’t worked out in nearly a week, and I have eaten out (and off my diet) for nearly every meal.  I haven’t gotten to read or write much, and I have the opportunity to start writing for a really cool site and it really sucks that I haven’t yet been able to put the time into it that I would like.

I have been getting to bed even later than usual and I haven’t been sleeping very well. And now I have this pressure that I have put on myself to get my entire life organized- and I ONLY HAVE 2 MORE DAYS TO DO SO!!!

I know I’m not going to be able to finish everything, and that’s OK. I do want to make this move a new beginning of sorts. The last couple of weeks I have decided to step out of my “box”  and try new things and I want to continue to do so. But at the same time, I want to try to adapt to a more orderly “tangible” lifestyle.

I’ve realized that I’ve become immune to messiness, especially when I’m in good spirits. But when I am down, the disorder begins to suffocate me. I think this change could do wonders for my mentality. I want to take a little more time concentrating on the little things, and not so much time skipping over things just so I can live the way I’m used to.  Maybe instead of a “hurricane,” my friends will start to call me “tornado“… or “thunder shower.”

Yet here I am, venting to you guys in this non-though-out, probably incredibly grammatically incorrect post, because I HAD TO. I feel much better now, though I do feel slightly guilty that I have spent nearly twenty-five minutes sitting here in front of my computer writing utter nonsense.

Thanks for lending an ear, good people of the inter-web.

I most likely will not be back until Tuesday, and let’s all hope that by then- I’m a little more organized, a little more sane, and back into my (slightly adjusted) daily routine.

I think John Cusack (My boyfriend) will approve.

WORD.

And completely unrelated, there are quite a few of my lovah’s out there who have recently given me awards. Don’t think I have forgotten about you. One day, in the not so distant future, I WILL do an award post,

Time out… Let’s take another look at my car and make sure you’re not in there.

No? Well we really can’t be sure, can we? You haven’t even seen the back seat yet. And I’m not going to bother with that because quite frankly it disgusts me to look at.

Anydisgustingness, I keep hearing about how this Craigslist world is such a magical place. I spent a million hours on it a day when I was looking for a jobby-job. As a result I never got a job, but I did go on many interesting interviews. However, it seems like everyone else that I know in the whole-wide-world has had magnificent success on Craigslist. I have friends who have sold cars in an hour, found great deals on iphones, and it seems some people have great success finding hookups. I’ll admit, I’ve spent quite a bit of time perusing the Men seeking men section. It’s quite amusing.

I know I’ve mentioned that I’m moving in a couple of weeks, and I have no idea where. Actually, there are quite a few things I need to work out in the next few weeks… I have  things to get rid of, I need a bed, and I’m not sure how I’m going to survive outside of my current living situation.

It’s very bitter sweet. I currently have 2 roommates, two of them being my two favorite gay boys in the world. Now they are moving off to live on their own, and while I’m super pumped about living with my BFF LA, who is going to blow dry my hair when I’m too lazy to do so? Who is going to make high-pitched pig oinks to deter me from eating a brownie? Who the hell is going to stop me from leaving the house looking like a homeless person?????  And once again… where am I going to live???????

In an act of desperation, I’ve decided to turn to Craigslist for answers. I know what I’m looking for may not exist, but if everything I’ve heard about Craigslist is true- I figure it’s worth a try!!!

Housing wanted: Looking for house/condo/castle/bungalow/log cabin/mansion

Location: DFW

We are 2 girls looking for housng for rent in the DFW area. We would like to be close to Fort Worth, but I work in Butt-Effing-North Dallas, so preferably something in the middle of the two. We could probably afford anything up to $1,300- but would really like to stay in the $600-$900 price range so that we have more money left over for booze and DVDs. We need a minimum of three bedrooms, a large back yard, a pool and hot tub (with a hot pool boy included,) a wet bar, 2 master bathrooms, jacuzzi tubs, a fountain, a statue somewhere in the yard, a two car garage, 2 living areas, an office, an exercise room, a wet bar, and a bidet.

Neither of us are very clean, but we promise to stuff everything in our closets if the land-lord ever needs to stop by. Actually we would prefer a land-lord that lives out of the country. Must be pet friendly as my roommate will be bringing her poop-eating Basset hound, and I will be buying a new rat in the near future. Or maybe a ferrett, I haven’t decided yet. I would reallllly like a monkey, but I’m not sure that is legal.

We are friendly neighbors, and expect the same out of anyone who lives near us!! To be more specific we would really like to live next to hot single boys. They must like to drink beer and know how to fix things and it would really help if they know how to cook.

On the other side, we would like to live next door to an old lady who likes to make ice tea and bring us left-overs.

We aren’t very loud but do like to sing and hold dance parties in our living room. We may not pay rent on time every month, but if we don’t, we promise to have super good excuses.

Can’t wait to live in your home!!

Roommate wanted: Looking for gay roommate to fill some  big shoes!!

Location: DFW

Heeeeeyyyyyyyy Lovahs!!!!!

Do you need a place to live? Do you like to clean and lot drink wine? Do you know every word to the Rent soundtrack?? We may be the roommates for you!!!

I am losing my gay best roommate, and I need a replacement ASAP.

Must love singing, watching Glee, and indulging my taste for cheezy romance movies. I sometimes forget to unplug things like hair rollers or flat-irons, so I need someone who will leave for work after me, and who will check for these things. Must be computer savvy, and know how to fix my phone when it freezes up. It is imperative that you like cheese… a lot. You must like/and know how to break in a pair of high heels in short amount of time. Must lovvvveeee to do dishes, or at least hate the way that I do them- so that you will do them yourself. It would be a great plus if you enjoy organizing things on shelves and know how to clean up an exploded toilet.

In addition your duties will also include: making sure I pay my bills, cooking all of my meals, blowing out my candles that I leave burning, figuring out how to put the tv on DVD mode, making the internet work on my computer, cleaning up glass when I drop my wine, ironing my hair with the clothes- iron when I want it really shiny, telling me when I’m being a bitch, reminding me to take back my movies, and telling me that you have all the symptoms as I do when I think I’m dying so that I don’t think I’m going to die alone.

I can deal with the bugs that need squishing, but I will need someone who will not tell anyone if I drunkenly decide to pee in an empty water cooler in the garage. I’ll keep your secrets for you too!!

Can’t wait play board games and sneak wine into art house movies with you!!!!

Jobs/Volunteer/Intern: Life Coach/decision maker needed

Location: DFW

I am a single, indecisive girl looking for a companion to help me through life!! You can be male or female, but I am (mostly) looking for a platonic relationship- so if you’re male it would be best if you’re asexual.

Job Description: Make every decision for me.

Details: Your job will be to make sure that I make no more silly mistakes in life, though if I do- you will be responsible for them.

Must be able to make quick, smart, decisions. These will range anywhere from big-life changing decisions (should I text, or should I not text) to small decisions that may or may not have an impact on my life (what should I eat for dinner.)

Skills: Nutrition, fashion, boys, social networking, facebook updating, dealing with drunk people.

Compensation: None.

___

Wish me luck!!

My brain isn’t on “write” mode just yet, but I will attempt to put at least a little information out there. “Attempt” being the key word here. I know, I know… it’s Tuesday… what the hell is wrong with me? I don’t know!!! I usually have the hardest time sleeping, but last night it was like someone, finally after 3 weeks, shut my brain off and tied my eyelids closed with steel. It was the first night in a long time that I’ve slept without either ambien or alcohol, which was great! Except for the fact that I am still exhausted today. I don’t feel like I’m coming down with anything, so I’m just gonna go with- the last month (or 3) have finally caught up with me, and that’s ok.

Bear with me, but first of all -I feel I need to play a little catchup on the goings on of my life, for those of you who are interested.

First off, I know I briefly mentioned it a while back, but last weekend I went down to Houston to see a dance show that my friend had written. This is a girl who I have known since I was about 9 through the community theater program in my hometown, but I hadn’t seen her in nearly 10 years. Craziness! She was always a great friend, but she really caught me off guard when she got in touch with me a while back and told me that she was now teaching dance and performing in Houston, and that she had written a dance show inspired by me! ME?

I wouldn’t have missed it for the world, and I’m glad I Jupiter or some other planet didn’t get in the way either. The story was based on a dancer named Carissa who along with her “soul,” (also named Carissa) takes a journey to a dark side and then in the end it appears she dies at a rave. I was a little sad that I died, but in the end she does appear to be brought back to life. My friend said there are several ways that you could look at it, but I’m choosing to go with she was just so tired after that crazy rave, that she decided to take a nap,  and her soul awakens her so that she doesn’t miss the new episode of Chuck. THAT I could relate to today.

The best part of the weekend was getting to catch up with my friend after all of these years, and also getting to spend some time with some of my other old friends who I don’t get to see very often.

Then this last weekend I got to spend some quality time doing nothing but laugh and watch movies with another group of friends that I don’t see often, even though they live fairly close.  I have realized that I have at least 10 people who I would fit into the BFF category, but it is sad how little most of these have to do with my everyday life These last two weeks have kind of made me nostalgic. It’s weird how much time goes by, and even though I’m conscious of the importance that these people have in my life, I rarely get the chance to tell them. I’ve also been thinking about how strange it is that people weave in and out of our lives, touching us in ways that they never have before with each appearance.

Anyways, I’m not trying to get all sentimental on your asses, I think I did enough of that last week.

So let’s move on to some post-it’s, shall we? For more great post-it’s check out Supah Mommy’s blog! It is the bomdiggity! or as it is more cooly said these days, the diggity!

Cocktimus prime

A limp Cocktus

Hard to believe that is the same fellah! Such a sad sad day.

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(I know that not all of you can watch videos at work, but I swear on all that is great on this earth, this video is worth your time. )

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Oh and both you Bill’s still have nothing on my boyfriend John Cusack. Though I do think Google is catching on to my evil plan to make this news known to the world. I keep dropping in Google searches, but I’m determined to make this happen. I will not give up. Suckas!

And this is a little unrelated, but that’s how I role. Lately whenever I’m feeling down, The Weepies have been my turn to music. I am not a fan of the puppets in this video, but I love love this song. And pretty much all of their music… Check it, fools.

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Take my best friend for an example.  One would think that I would know everything about her after being best friends for nearly 10 years.  She is more like a sister than anything. We finish each others sentences, know when each other are lying (which isn’t rocket-science with me), and I’m pretty sure we can read each others minds, though we haven’t really tested it in a controlled environment just yet. But the other day over some beers and salsa we were playing a game of “would you rather,” and I asked her if she’d rather date Batman, Superman, or Spiderman.

I totally pegged her as a Superman type o’ gal, because she totally digs those pretty boy types, but she threw me for quite a whirl and said she’d pick Batman. What? I know. I think Batman seems like kind of a bore. He’s all holed up in that mansion with nobody except for some old dude to keep him company. And he doesn’t even have any real powers. I’m a Spiderman girl myself. I’ve only seen one and a half of the movies, but he seems kinda nerdy…  I can dig that.

But that’s not what I wanted to talk about.

I spend all this time trying to figure people out. I create scenarios in my head, imagining how people would react in certain situations. When I’m in a room with a group of people, I sometimes like to pretend  that the zombie apocalypse has just started. Who will die first? Who will totally kick zombie ass? Who will be the sucker that makes out with her boyfriend who has become a zombie, only to get her brains eaten out through her ear. (And no, that wouldn’t be me… I know better!!)

But that’s also not what I want to talk about. Well yeah… I actually do… just not today.

Yesterday I was reading someone’s post, (I can’t for the life of me remember who’s it was) where she talked about the way people come across to others. She mentioned that there are some people that she knows in real life that come across completely different on their blogs. It got me thinking about how I never have really put the magnifying glass that I use so often on others, on myself.

How do other people see me? Do I act different when I’m around different types of people? Am I predictable? Do I come across different on my blog than I am in real life?

It’s a pretty hard game to play even when your player is yourself…. But after much thought, I’m pretty sure I come across mostly the same to all my friends and family.

Anyone who knows me well would likely tell you the following: I like to be the center of attention. I’m a little random, but in predictable ways. I’m confident yet have insecurities that I don’t keep hidden, though I may try. I am loud, and become even a thousand times more so when I’m drinking. I like to drink.  I don’t like other people to be uncomfortable. Whenever I’m in an uncomfortable situation, I usually just start telling awkward stories until everyone just feels uncomfortable for me, and not themselves. I cry at the drop of a hat and I laugh at the most inappropriate times. I obsess and analyze every situation to whoever might be around to listen. I’m a nervous wreck about 3/4 of my life… and as much as I try to act “breezy,” I don’t do a very good job at hiding it.

I’d like to think  I come across as the same person my readers that don’t know me in real life as I do to my friends… But I dunno, you tell me?

There is, however; one place in my life where I know I act completely different.

Work.

I never really thought about it until now, but I really don’t act like myself  in my office. It’s weird. I open up to nearly everyone I meet, but I have never been able to really do so there. I started thinking about what my co-workers might deduce about me by my actions….

*I never put on make up or fix my hair for work. (Unless I have somewhere to go after work, and even then I usually do my hair/makeup in the bathroom after work.)

*Even worse, my clothes are usually stained, backwards, inside out,  wrinkled or unzipped.. and I often have pen marks on my face.

*I have busted at least 2 pens in my mouth in the last 6 months, because I can’t go 2 minutes without chewing on plastic.

*I got caught the other day holding my arm straight up in the air. I tried to explain that I like the way it feels when it falls asleep, but that didn’t go over so well.

*I usually keep my ipod buds hidden behind my hair, so every once in a while I bust out in spontaneous song.

*I spend a lot of my time standing up working on mailing machines, (still with the ear buds in my ear) so I sometimes break out in spontaneous dance as well.

*No one there knows that I like to do comedy or that I blog, so when they find little scraps of paper with random thoughts on them like “How do work people see me?” or “I might be a crazy snail lady” they get a little confused. I try to play it off with “I was writing a song” which just makes me sound weirder….

*A co-worker once found a file folder with a wine bottle drawn on it. Yeah I drew it. You know what was on my mind.

*Sometimes I’ll watch myself talk in the little mirror I keep on my desk. And make very dramatic expressions.

*I also sometimes talk to customers in accents.

*When I get nervous I smell my hair. This means that whenever my bosses call me into their office to talk about something, I usually have my hair wrapped around my face so that it looks like I have a moustache.

*I write all of my posts at home, but while I’m babysitting the machines I often read blog posts on a shrunk down tiny little screen. This usually causes me to get really close to my computer screen. I have been told several times that I probably need stronger glasses.

*I have had to use a co-worker’s AAA card 4 times since I’ve worked there. All 4 times were because I locked my keys in my car.

So yeahhhhhh… Now that I really think about it, my coworkers probably think that I am a messy, dirty, forgetful, alcoholic, random, awkward, dramatic, loud weirdo.

Which is pretty much how I am in every other aspect of my life.

Agreed?

Maybe my “work me” isn’t so different afterall.

How do you think people perceive you???

For me, it’s been so far so good. At least I haven’t suffered from any head injuries yet.

Thursday was an “ice” day for Dallas, which meant there was a “slight possibility” that there “might” be ice on the road… but “just in case” they decided to close the school district that I work in, which resulted in me getting to stay home from work. Seeing as how I haven’t been drinking this week, it was my first day off of work in a really long time where I hadn’t been hungover, or at the very least “for real” sick.

I just used a shit-ton of “italics” (that’s what I thought they (” “) were called for a very long time) and I have no idea why. I guess I’m just “bored.”

Edit: ** It was pointed out that I was using the word italics wrong, I thought it was clear that since the word was in quotations that it was on purpose, but probably not!! Just so we’re clear, I’m not a dumbass.. well I am, but not about this particular subject!

I was always jealous of the people I know who get to work from home, and to be frank- I always thought that the “stay at home” (there I go again) lifestyle would be kind of perfect for me. Turns out, notsomuch.

My roommates (yes I have 3 of em) all had to go in to work, so I was home alone, all by my lonesome, by myself,  for at least 9 hours. Sounds nice doesn’t it? Well you know what folks? I had no fucking clue what to do.

I woke up earlier than normal to watch for school closings, couldn’t go back to sleep (because I felt great) moseyed on into the kitchen where I made myself some oatmeal.

Then sat.

And then I ate a banana.

And then sat some more.

And then I ate a few string cheeses.

Basically that’s all I did all day. I read a few blogs, played around on Pandora, read the backs of books that I’ve had in my bookshelf for the last 4 years but have never felt like reading…. and then sat some more. I’m not used to being alone in my head for very long, and I’m telling yall… this was just pure torture. As much as I may complain about my job and having so many roommates… I realized today how much I dislike being alone.

I made a few other realizations today:

*If I were to spend too much time alone I would be as big as a house in no time because I would literally eat out of boredom All. Day. Long.

*It’s not near as much fun to make up dances in the living room without a purpose, or at least someone to laugh at you.

*Pandora is the shizdiggity. All this time I’ve been wasting on Amazon trying to discover new music when  I could have just turned on Pandora? I thought Pandora was just for snazzy iphoners.

*When I’m cold, maybe I should check to see if the heater is even on. I spent the entire day in 2 sweatshirts and 2 pairs of sweatpants.

*I am way too reliant on the roommates to do things like adjust the heater.

*Maybe I do need to spend a little more time alone to learn how to do such things.

Hmmm… well something to at least think about 3 months from now when I alone without a podcast broadcasting to my brain. (The ipod was in the car today and I was too cold to go outside.)

So wasn’t that “exciting.”

Moving on. I have asked for a little help from you guys with some suggestions for blog topics, questions you would like me to answer, and so on. Please keep em coming. I really do have a story for everything, and if by chance I don’t, for fucksakes, I’ll make one up.

I’m starting with an easy one.

Kirsten from Belly shirts wanted to know about the time I met my all-time favorite child-star crush, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, or “JTT,” just to keep with the italics.

My boy craziness started at an early age. Yall probably know by now about my obsession with John Cusack and my quest to become his girlfriend, well imagine that crush 10-fold. I had “posters” (tear out pictures from Big Bop and Tiger Beat) of this boy all over my room, even on the ceiling. I never missed an episode of Home Improvement, and you can bet your gluteos maximous dollar that I knew every line to the movie “Man of the House.”

My story of meeting him is actually quite boring, much like my day and this post. Basically, for some random reason or another, the Home Improvement people sent him to my little home town of Waco, Texas, to sign autographs at the local “Autorama.” (I don’t think those italics were necessary either.)

I stood in line for about 3 hours to stand next to him for about 3 minutes… but in my little eleven year old head it was TOTALLY WORTH IT. My poor dad, who had to watch hundreds of tweens wet their days of the week underwear in anticipation of meeting “JTT”, would probably disagree.

Afterwards, I spent my nights even more sleepless than before, dreaming up scenarios where we would meet again. Alas, we never did… but I do have a picture, just for you Kirsten!

Sighhhhh... A dream come true.

Please excuse all the pin holes. That picture hung on nearly every bulletin board I ever had. And excuse the black denim and the vest for that matter, por favor.

Eventually I will get around to telling you my *NSYNC story, which I assure you is much more exciting than this one. In the mean time, if you haven’t read the post about my “oh-so-delightful” meeting with Chad Kroeger, then you should probably do so now.

As usual, I just wanted to add a few more bits of randomness before I leave you for the weekend.

First off, My bud Nikki over at Que Sera Sera had a great post yesterday about her Resolution, which was ultimately to keep an open mind. She also brought up the typical “dance pose” that anyone who ever danced in their childhood did for many a photograph. I danced for 18 years, and I have many of these pics… but not very many with me here. I had scanned this one a while back though, mainly because it is one of the most awkward photos of myself that I have, and it made me laugh. This particular picture was before an Elementary school talent show performance to, I believe “Shake Your Love” by Amy Grant. I wish I had the videos. Enjoy.

And lastly, one of my long time best friends “Bella Broccoli,”  recently started a blog and you should really go check it out! She’s not as crass as me, but she was definitely involved in many of my crazy shenanigans that you’ve read about here! So check her out and introduce yourself, I know you’ll love her just like I do!!

(I think you’ll find it’s quite clear I did this in one take)

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I hope the year has been good to you. At least most of you. There are a few of you that I hope got audited or something similarly non-life threatening but still a pain in the ass.

I had such an exciting year in 2009, I’m sure I’m not going to be able to fit it all in this newsletter, but since you’re all so curious as to what’s been going on in my ever so eventful life, I’m going to try.

Let’s see. Where to begin.

I started the New Year out last year in Galveston. It was a great time although I closely escaped head injury when I face-planted in the middle of a very nice hotel lobby in front of a wedding reception. Luckily, I came out of it with only a loss of pride and a black eye. We also shot each other with BB guns, which was quite a lot of fun, though not the smartest thing I’ve ever done.

I continued working my low paying job, but  got to spend a lot of time reading about movies and preparing for the 2009 Oscars, at which I was successful at seeing every nominated film. I bet none of you completed such a task.

Near the beginning of the year I had a serious scabies scare. I thought for a few weeks that there were tiny little organisms crawling around in my skin, and I spent many an hour trying to dig and burn them out. Turns out it was all in my brain… but still scary. Scabies (even just the mental kind) are a bitch to get rid of.

Around February I leaned against a door at the top of a flight of stairs, and once again narrowly escaped a massive head injury. I may not have escaped it, but I tell myself I’m fine.

Somewhere around March I decided I was tired of being single and I joined Match.com. While I was asked on several dates, I only met a bunch of losers who had such hobbies as “teaching their cats to use the toilet,” and “learning kling-on,” (which I actually thought was going to be kind of cool, notsomuch. )The most memorable date was when I took a guy to the comedy club that I perform at and ran into some people I hadn’t seen in a while. They proceeded to tell me in front of my date how I looked like I “had lost a whole person,” which I suppose was true, but was also embarrassing.

I quit that shit after a month.

Then I met this  guy at a karaoke bar who turned out to be a swinger.

I quit that shit after an hour.

I met a guy when put up a fake ad on Craigslist saying that I would build professional living room tents and treehouses for hire.

Never even called him back.

Probably my favorite spring night was the night LA and I went to see Joshua Radin and ended up taking the  band out after the show for a good time. The drummer was an excellent kisser,but I’m pretty sure he was on drugs.

There was some other shit too, but I don’t want to excite you too much.

So as you can see I’ve kept a really busy social life.

Hmmm… what else…

Around April I decided to watch the entire Godfather series in one weekend. I thought that was quite an accomplishment. And then the next weekend I watched Lonesome Dove, but I only made it about 2/3rds a way through the movie before I got bored.

Some time last spring my dad and sister let my pet rat out at my family farm because they got tired of taking care of it and thought it deserved to live in the wild… that kinda sucked hairy balls.

The summer is where things really got interesting. I spent most weekend days sitting out at my pool drinking beer and working on my tan. My roommates and I hosted a kick-ass Fourth of July Party which ended with me getting tasered (for fun, not by a cop.)

Hmmm..

In July I started a blog where I got the opportunity to update my friends daily with the exciting details of my life…

hmmmm…

ummm

ok! I know…

For Halloween my friend and I dressed up as “Ghouls Gone Wild” and I narrowly escaped another head injury when a stair skiing incident went awry.

annndddd…

I finally caught up on Dexter season 3 so now I can finally watch season 4… even though LA already told me the twist ending.

hmmmm…

Well, I guess that brings us up to date!

Oh yeah, and last night I backed out of the date with the hot Turkish dude last minute. I know, I know… I still may go out with him next week… He was just way too cheesy, and I think I need to save my dates for people with whom I have more in common with than a love of incense. Instead I stayed home in my pjs with the roomies and watched “All About Steve.”

So yes!! That concludes a year in the life of me. I am so blessed to have so many good friends to share this information with. I hope you have a Merry Christmas and a Wonderful New Year!

Love Always,

Carissa Jaded

And for those of you curious about the tree necklace, you can purchase one here.

Well I have them.

ALOT.

And this week seems to be one of them.

In fact, this whole year seems to be a big fat turd of a year. I’ve already started writing 2010 on my dates because I really just can’t wait for it to start.

A quick break from my whining. Do we say two-thousand and ten, or twenty-ten? Or is it two-oh-one-oh??? The plaguing questions we endure as we come to the end of a century. And who decides anyway? I guess Obama does. Lucky bastard. I’d say twennny – teyen, byatch.

Ok back to bitching. Because it’s my blog and I can do what I want. Plus I laugh when other

So far this week I’ve spilled at least 3 drinks, drove up on a curb nearly hitting two cars and a family (for the second time this month) stepped on my $300 pair of glasses, I completely failed a salmon dinner, I effed up everything that is possible to eff up at work (and convicts could do this shiz,) I lost my phone charger (but have already replaced one this month so don’t want to spend $30 for another one until I get paid,) I overdrew my bank account, and I just locked my keys in the car whilst it was running (trying to charge up said phone with car charger.)

Update*** The AAA guy looked like a really old and drunk Santa clause. I didn’t tell him. But I wanted to after he hocked a big one that landed on the hood of my car (that he laughed and then nearly choked to death about) and then told me “I oughtter take yer down by that there pond and give ya a whoopin.”

-I realize I should probably be using semi-colons not commas, I don’t care.

Bad ugly Santa.

Oh and like two seconds ago? I was carrying my fourth serving of delicious tin cheese popcorn to my desk in a napkin, and my napkin hammock somehow came apart. Don’t worry, I followed the five second rule. I left the kernels that I couldn’t get back into my napkin within five seconds on the ground so that the cleaning ladies would have something to do tonight.

Let’s not forget I’m 99.99998716729% sure one of those bishes stole my laptop.

On top of being at the peak of my hurricane season , I have just been a glass cage of emotion. I don’t know if it’s just this time of year or maybe I need some meds., but the slightest little things have been setting me off.

A few examples…

*I cried when I had to call in to work hungover. I get really nervous about these things,

*I cried when my boss called me after hours before listening to his voice mail… I was sure he knew I was hungover… turns out it was just his wandering if I wanted some deer meat.

*I cried during all seventeen Lifetime movies I watched this week.

*I cried listening to the opera boy on NPR the other morning.

*I cried listening to Kissmas on Kiss FM (where they give lots of free shit away people who need it, mee tooooo???)

*I cried after I picked up my gray sweatpants from the ground to see what was on the ankle, and then held it up to my nose and accidentally wiped (what I found to be) poop on my nose.

*I cried when I found out my bank account was overdrawn.

*I cried at that  fricking Travelers insurance commercial with the dog…

*My sister and I had at least 2 cry sessions on the phone, she cried because she was stressed about finals and boys, I cried because I hate boys and because I cry whenever anyone else is crying to me. And also because of that whole “our parent’s are fucking splitting up and Christmas isn’t going to be the same thing.”

Despite all of my tears and frustration, there have been A few moments where I have realized what this time of year is really about. A few times that tears have come to my eyes out of happiness, when I realize that I am so lucky, that I have so much. I know that everything will be alright. I know that I am loved.

And now I await the calm after the storm. It’s been a hell of a ride, 2009.

__________________________

And most importantly , Happy Birthday Daddy! I know I have not always been the easiest child to handle, but you have been the best dad that a girl could ask for.

I know things aren’t easy right now, but I am here for you now and always. I have leaned on you for 27 years and it’s about time that I step it up and return the favor for the rest of my family.

It probably doesn’t always come across how grateful I am, but really- I couldn’t have survived my

life without you!

I love you with all of my heart and thanks for putting money in my bank account!

Let’s make 2010 twennny – teyen, byatch the best year ever!!

Love,

Your pumpkinhead