Blog Birthday that is. What the what!? I sat down to write my first post in 2 weeks and I realized that somehow the fact that today marks one year of blogging was about to fly by my face without me even noticing it. I know it’s been a while- but holy mother of my soul, this is literally the longest I’ve ever stayed committed to ANYTHING! Oh sure, I posted a while back about my Cameraversary, where I celebrated an entire year without losing a camera, but this is different. I’m a quitter. I quit everything, except for the few vices that I really should quit. I get tired of things. And though it may seem like I’ve grown tired of this… I really haven’t- and this is just the fire under my bootie that I need to get things flowing again.

But since I have been majorly sucking at blogging as of late, I’ve decided to wait and celebrate until my real birthday- in about 2 weeks or so. Soooo… In two weeks expect a fantabulous giveaway. I’ll be talking about that more in the weeks to come, but for now- I MUST POST ON.

I promised myself that when I finally got around to updating the old blog, I wouldn’t get all schmoozy and apologize for my lack of presence on the internet. But then every time I sit down to write, I end up opening my reader, read a few posts, then start feeling simultaneously guilty and overwhelmed for not being a better blogger/blog friend. So I’m just going to say it this once. I’M SORRY! I SUCK AT LIFE! DRAGON EELS SHOULD EAT MY FACE!

That being said, I haven’t written for lack of topic. Everyday I write a million ideas down on pieces of scrap paper- but those seem to get lost in the clusterfuck that is my purse. Other times I write things down on my hand- but somehow- even though I rarely shower (Hey! I’m just doing my part to be green) it  smudges off and all I’m left with is a scraggly “mdio ___ asdji” and I don’t even know Japanese, so that does me no good.

More than anything, I feel that I should catch you up on the happenings of my life as of late, but I don’t know where to start. So much has happened, yet so little. In order to get started in blogging again in an orderly fashion, I decided to ask the ye ole faithful people of twitter and facebook for a few words of inspiration. And by inspiration I didn’t mean encouraging words, because that would have done crap. I just asked for random words, which I will now try  to justify by relating them to the events of my life the last few weeks. Which is sort of like an improv game, and I love that.

Here.We.Go….. Or. Something. Like. That.

From @technicalparent –Diffident: I’m not gonna lie, I had to look this one up. It means something like “hesitant to speak because of lack of self confidence.” Hmmmmmmmm….. HMMMMMMMMM. This may be a stretch, but there have been a few times these last few weeks where I’ve had to test my comfortability-ness. (I believe that if you add “ness” to any word, it makes it correct. Your face.) Not so much in the realms of speaking, but more when it comes to my body. Like the other day, I wore a pair of pants that were way to big. I couldn’t even walk without my pants falling down and that wasn’t cool. I’m pretty sure tens of people saw my panties. And then just this Monday I made the mistake of wearing a shirt that was too big without a tanktop. I had to tuck the sleeves around my bra straps. In my office. Because I’m classy like that. But none of those compare to the fact that the entire nation of campers saw me in all my glory when I decided to sleep in a tent, in the nude, with the flap open, on 4th of July weekend. Just trying to serve my country, Yanno.

From @KidtoGrownUp– Swizzle Stick: I’m not sure what that means but I’m assuming you mean that stick that makes my car go. Right? Actually I have had some issues with that lately. For the last three years or so I’ve had to have a screw driver in the hole just to get my car to get out of park. The other day I couldn’t get it in the hole. It just… wouldn’t go in. Turns out there was a bobby pin stuck in there.

BAHAHAHA. This is actually a true story.

From @SamtheMailman (AKA my white trash twitter hub) Noodles: I can’t eat them. I don’t do well with bread at all. I’m pretty sure I’m allergic. But I absolutely love them. So last week I decided to go ahead and splurge on some spicy korean ramen dish at Pei Wei. It wasn’t great so I added about 2 cups of Rooster sauce. I still can’t sit right.

From @MrCondescending– Nocturnal: That is precisely what I’ve been for the last few months. Only, unfortunately, I’ve also had to be Dayturnal- which doesn’t make day- life very fun. I’ve always been a little bit nocturnal but I’m usually at least a little productive in the wee hours of the night. It doesn’t really affect me until I’m driving though, so no biggie- unless your one of the million people driving in Dallas during rush hour.

From @Leowuzhere Spatchula– hmmm Well I basically eat eggs everyday so I use a “spatula.” But Spatchula.. That sounds like something spanish. I think that is what I shall call the corn that I have on my right toe. I suppose I can make that relevant to my last few weeks because that thing is UGGGLEEEE.

From @KarisaTellsAll Anesthesize: Just last night I took some Benadryl at about 1AM. I was definitely anesthesized. And felt like I drank a 12 pack this morning. In reality, I only had like 4 beers. Not cool Benadryl, not cool.

From @Technicalparent — Spelunking: While I did find a few alternative meanings for this word in the Urban dictionary, I’m gonna go with the actual meaning. Cave diving. Right? I cleaned out my car a couple weeks ago. I found about 30 dollars in quarters, 14 french fries, my glasses with one arm broken off, and about 3 pairs of panties. I have no idea why they are in my car.

From @hellofrancy Attraction: I only mention boys on my site for 3 reasons. A. They are douchenozzles from the present and need to be outed B. They are douchenozzles from the past and I can laugh about my time with them. Or C. I’m kinda smitten, but I don’t like to do that much. But I can always erase this so yes, I’m a but of a smitten pussycat, as the foreign might say. Besides that, I’ve also realized I have an attraction to brussell sprouts, which is quite surprising since I’ve spent my entire life making vomiting noises anytime I hear the word. I have also realized that cops still have an attraction to me. The other day I got a warning, because it seems that walking on a street is now illegal in Texas.

From @NickSilly Sailboat: I had a discussion about sailboats the other day. They seem like the worst kind of boating ever. Too much work.

From @Tequila_K –(1st choice) Karaoke: I have had a seriously lack of karaoke in my life the last few weeks.. but I’ve been thinking seriously about all the songs I want to sing in the near future.  If I don’t find someone to sing “Paradise By the Dashboard Light” with me in the next two weeks then I will eat raw chicken.

From @Tequila_K –(Second Choice) Tequila: My roommate LA introduced me to my new favorite drink evah! It’s called a Paloma. It’s grapefruit juice, tequila, soda, salt and lime… and it is the most refreshing thing that has ever hit my lips. Do it.

From @Tequila_K– (Put em’ Together) TequilaKaraoke: I hope this doesn’t offend you, but I know just what happens to me when I combine the two. You see, once I get a little bit of tequila in me, I will use absolutely anything as a microphone. And if I happen to be gettin it on? ….. crickets….. get it? Yeah, that’s what I call tequila karaoke. In the last few weeks though? No comment.

From @JeneyPeney (via facebook) Snorkel: Come on! Let’s refer to spelunkering. I could do so much with this, but I’m not gonna go there. And also I’m tired.

From @jpryan06 Persnickity: While urban dictionary tells me that “persnickity” can mean making out, I also happen to have looked up know that it can mean being nit picky, which I rarely am. You may be aware that I am one of the least nit picky people in the world. In fact, I probably won’t even spell check this mother before I hit publish. I have realized, that dating someone- makes me a little more conscious of the details when it comes to my body. I still haven’t mastered being lady like,and I most likely never will, but I have seriously put a major effort into shaving my legs, plucking my eyebrows, and cupping my hand over my chin when I notice I have a hair growing out of it. Being a “lady” is a lot of work.

From Eric via Facebook: Grease: I may have put a minor effort into being more lady like, but I still have a lot of that shiz in my hair. Nothing baby powder can’t fix though. Also, it’s the word.

From my HS Dance Teacher–Booger: Still hate them.

From JRoberts via facebook– Ointment: I haven’t used any. I have, started using under eyecream, which is sort of an ointment.

From @NickSilly Providential: I had to look this one up too. I’ve always been one to spout out my “beliefs” of fate, and how the universe works in mysterious ways, because I’ve always wanted to believe in those things, but really haven’t… I’ve even been known to bust out some Tarot cards in your face. Though I admit now that I completely bullshit my way through reading (kind of like I did here,) but I dunno. I keep finding myself thinking that things work out for a reason. I’ve been having all these weird dreams that I’m not going to go into, but it all seems to mean something. Bah. I’m tipsy. And probably going to erase this entire post. Mostly I’m hoping that Providential will work it’s ways on me and my neighbor will knock on my door with a giant bowl of hummus.

A girl can dream right?

I’ll see you sooner than later! Have a great weekend!

It’s so good to hear from you and I truly hope you don’t mind that I’m sharing my response to your email with the world. And by world, of course,  I mean the few people who are still reading after my recent blog- hiatus. You mentioned you enjoyed the blog, and though I know you may have just been being nice, I figured I would use this opportunity to update anyone who wants to hear a summary happening the last 10 years of my life. I really enjoyed your email and I’m  glad to hear you’re doing well. I hope you don’t think it’s rude that I’m not responding much to your own life adventures, but I’ll do that in another correspondence.

TEN YEARS. It’s crazy that it’s been that long, by the way. Let’s see, when we last talked I was deep in the throws of sorority life in college. Although I remained active in my sorority most of my college years, I would definitely say that, for the most part- I wasn’t very “active.” I enjoyed making friends who were very different from myself, and I feel that the people I met in college have allowed me to grow and change in ways that I never imagined.  I was still a dance/theater major back when we last spoke, and that didn’t last very long either-which is one of my major regrets in life thus far. At the time though, it was right to quit. I switched to journalism, then advertising, then Radio/TV/Film, all along picking up a ridiculous amount of English electives, mostly because the professors were the cutest. There was one named Dr. Cox who taught several creative writing classes who I was especially smitten with. I blame my eventual English Composition major on him.

I probably look quite similar to the way I looked in high school, but what you may or may not know is that the majority of the time that we have not spoken I’ve gone through many physical changes. For one, I went through a stage where I was constantly dying my hair. The worst was a Ozzie-Osbourne-esgue bright red tip stage, which I still have an odd affection for. Mostly though, after I quit dancing, I continued on with a diet of primarily cheese, Taco Bueno, Keystone Light and stuffed Tortellini which eventually caused me to gain a few pounds. And by a few pounds, I mean I eventually tipped the scale at 240 lbs. After a few years of being completely content with my status as “the funny girl” and becoming very close to being a contestant on “The Biggest Loser,” I eventually decided it was time to change my ways. I’m not sure I’ll ever be comfortable with my body, but I’m damn sure intent on trying to be as happy with myself as possible.

Along with an ever changing interest in school subjects and a variety body sizes, I gained quite an array of passions and went through many stages over the years. Some have been  fleeting and some have managed to remain (sometimes begrudgingly) as a staple in my life even now. Just to name a few, over the years I’ve been able to describe myself as: A Crossword junkie; an NSYNC fan-gal; A reader of every horror novel ever written; an adderol addict; a raging drunk; a wino; a girl who decopauges every wooden surface in site; a film junkie; a really bad poet; an obsessive journal writer, a scrapbooker; a collector of quotes; a host small comedy radio show; an insomniac; a 6 month obsessionator of writing a tv pilot only to lose the zip drive that it was saved on; a rat owner; a person who will complete any dare;  a person who quickly lost interest in writing a tv pilot once all her hard work was lost; a person who got high and made up ridiculous games; web site developer in the least technical sense possible; a music lover; a person obsessed with watching every comedy show ever made; a dance teacher; a loan officer; an insurance broker; a dreamer; a comedian;  John Cusack’s girlfriend (unbeknownst to him); and of course, a blogger. I could go on forever, but it seems I’ve already accomplished half of that so I’ll stop now.

There are, of course some things that haven’t changed. I still seem to find a way to get myself into the most ridiculous situations, which is an affliction that I have a love/hate relationship with. I’m still loud,yet shy. I still love to be the center of attention yet am extremely private about certain aspects of my life. I still love to meet new people and am a constant student of socialogy. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, and I’m ok with that.

More than anything, like you- I still have an incredible passion for performance and writing. After I quit dancing and theater, I took up improv comedy, partially because my heroes in life have always been Steve Martin and Robin Williams, and partially because I missed performing and comedy seemed to be the most practical venue for a girl of a bigger size. Although I recently haven’t been overly active in performing, it’s something that I think that I’ll always do in some venue or another. I’m very interested in eventually getting back into theater, giving stand-up a go, and attempting writing for every venue possible. Really I want to try anything once, and you my friend – are a great inspiration in that respect, so thank you for that!

When it comes to romance and all that jazz, I think we’re on the same page, or at least the same chapter. I’ve never really given settling down much of a thought -mostly because I am an incredibly selfish person and want to do so many things in my life, none which (at least at this point of time) remotely involve children, staying in one place for long, or require a ”career” that holds any sort of financial stability. That, and  I hold a tragic combination of romantic ideals. I’ve always been a hopeless romantic, but over the years I’ve gained just enough realism watched enough movies to fear that if I ever find that perfect romance, it will somehow end in tragedy. But I guess that’s the cynic in me talking… Or maybe just my imagination. Either way, I’ve found myself in a long pattern of falling for boys whom I have absolutely no connection with, but who I find are “interesting,” in one way or another. But now though? Who knows.  I guess I’m still hopeful. Maybe they aren’t all douchengoyles afterall.

Which brings me back here to this little neglected place on the interwebs, where for nearly a year now I have been sharing with the world intimate details of my uninteresting life. I’ve recently been taking a much needed blog-break and have been spending a little time living life, catching up with old friends,  and taking chances. I won’t be giving the blog up anytime soon, or ever probably, because more than anything else over the last ten years, this blog has given me a venue to write openly, meet new people, reflect upon my life, and learn more about myself.

I’m really sorry that we lost touch and that my evil roommate never gave me the message about housesitting, but lets (NONE OF YOU) be strangers now!

Thanks for sticking with me through this incredibly long-winded update, and I’ll be talking with all of you soon!

Carissa (slightly less than when I started this blog) Jaded

I feel like I have so much to update your faces with, but I really feel much more comfortable when I at least have a few complaints to mix in with this rare “life is good” post, and I really don’t have much to complain about besides the fact that my face is covered by gigantasaurus Everest-sized pimples.  I didn’t even have a major freak out  when my car decided to be a little bitch and  have a blow out earlier this week. Which is a major feat, this I promise you… especially when you know my history with cars.

So yeah, I’ll complain after all.

I’ve always had an extreme love/hate relationship with automobiles and the act of driving. And by love/hate relationship of course I mean:

I love: 1). That they get me from point A to B. (sometimes)

and 2). When other people are driving them and I get to be in charge of the music.

I hate: Everything else loosely related to driving or cars. I don’t know or care to know the difference between a toyota and an escalade, and I won’t even apologize if by chance those are one and the same. I hate driving, especially at night. I despise traffic. I hate the way my mom drives. I don’t like sitting in back seats.  I hate the fact that I’ve locked my keys in my car like 14 times in the last year. I hate that at least once every three months I end up stranded on the side of the road, which leads me to call my dad crying who is 2 hours away… which in turn causes him to get upset and yell “WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT!?” Which leads to huge fight. And mostly I despise that I have horrible luck with them.

I’m not sure if you’re aware, but I have had more flat tires than any other person in the entire whole wide universe, twice in my life I’ve had another car on top of my own (either by landing there after a wreck or by drunkenly driving on top of it,) and my vehicles have had more breakdowns than Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears combined. My dad insists that it must have something to the way I drive, but I don’t think I can be blamed for the fact that Ford makes really shitty cars or that curbs keep getting in my way, or that drunks insist on targeting my car as their landing strip.

Luckily it didn't do much damage...

I feel like even the best case scenarios that involve vehicles, (which is of course gettin it on in one,) can only lead to 3 possible disastrous outcomes. I, ahem, of course only know one of these don’t know any of these  from personal experience but from what I’ve learned from the movies it seems to me that any time you hook up in a car – you either get caught giving head in a park by a cop, get pregnant, or if you’re in transit- then it is quite possible that you will experience death by a fiery crash.

My first car was an 89 Cutlass Supreme Oldsmobile.

Oh wait. I take that back.

Technically, my first car which I drove all of 3 days was a 95 Mitsubishi something or another,( pictured above). Shortly after the repairs were made from this particular accident, I totaled it into my house. I KNOW. And no I wasn’t drunk… I can’t even really explain what happened, except that I will tell you that I will never ever again drive a stick shift. I pretty much suck at life. My sister was sitting inside and said she thought it was an earthquake, while my dad sat on the curb and cried.

After that it took about a year and a half before I got the nerves and the vehicle that would make it possible for me to drive again. My parents certainly weren’t going to trust me with anything of value- so THIS is where the 89 Cutlass Supreme Oldsmobile (that I dubbed Cuddy) came into the picture.

It was a maroon, and it was the largest two door car you’ve ever seen in your life. And it was a pile of junk.

To sum it up: In place of air-conditioning,  my dad had installed a mini-fan that plugged into my cigarette lighter that did absolutely nothing but stir up the scent of stale cigarettes and rotting food.  It had a digital speedometer that you had to fist pummel in order to make it “work,” and when numbers finally did pop up they were backwards and up-side down. The car had no antenna, and therefore had no radio. Someone had tried to steal the cd player so it hung there by a wire, serving absolutely no purpose for the majority of the time the car worked.

The driver’s side door didn’t work, which was quite embarrassing when the cute football player from freshman history class walked me to my car and insisted on standing there until I drove off… which meant he got to watch me dive in and wiggle across the seat, ass out in a jean skirt.

The worst part about it was that Cuddy died ALL THE TIME at the most inopportune times. Especially before I got a cell phone. Like one time, it died right when my friends and I were trying to make a get away after toilet papering this incredibly rude older girl’s house. We had to go to her next door neighbor’s house and call for a ride. But then again, the fact that it died all the time was the precise reason I finally was allowed to get a cell phone. My parent’s started getting nervous after about my 3rd hitchhiking adventure and finally gave in.

Anyshitmobile batman, I could go on forever about my vehicle history, but I’ll save that for another day. If you’re a curious to read more you can always read about how talented I am at removing a tampon whilst driving. That was one for the books.

My original point was, I’m actually NOT completely hating my car today despite the fact that I recently had a blow out which caused me (or…erghm…my mother) (thanks!) to shell out 200 dollars, because of COURSE they convinced me that I needed two new tires. ( This actually has a story that is worthy of it’s very own blog post so I’m going to hold off.)

Yeah usually I would be pissed. But not today. Today I totally relate to those car bangers. Only maybe I don’t want to have sex with my car… but I sure could give it a hug right now.

You see, I’ve spent the last 3 months melting away because my air conditioning was broke and I didn’t think I could afford to fix it. I found out yesterday all it needed was a little frion, so I’m back, baby! No more sweaty pits! No more sweaty underboobs! No more sweaty fupa! I kid…

I’m gonna try to catch up on a million blogs over the next few days, and my goal next week is to get back to regularly posting, but I have learned never to make any promises.

*If you’re gonna get your nails done, you might as well go to a good salon. And I had to learn this the hard way. I rarely spring for an actual manicure. As much as I prefer having nails that glisten and shine, I usually walk around looking like I ate half of my nails for lunch. Which is why I was particularly upset when I blew 40 bucks on a really shitty nail job last week. I went to one of those walk in places where you don’t need an appointment and  got one of those new kinds of manicures, the ones that are supposed to last up to three weeks without chipping. Well I have no idea if they would have lasted, because the whole experience was just ricockulated. To begin with, the lady put the wrong color on, and when I asked if it would change when it dried, she tried to sneakily cover it up with the RIGHT color which ended up looking like poop on top of pink. One day later, I ran my poop colored nails through my hair, and one of my nails got caught and peeled right off. TOTAL SUCKAGE.

*I have been working at my new job for roughly six weeks, drink coffee daily, and haven’t cleaned out my coffee mug once.I’m pretty sure I’m a disgusting human being.

*I also haven’t gotten sick which makes me think I may have more in common with my roommate’s Basset Hound than I originally thought. Have I mentioned that a few weeks ago I accidentally left my groceries on the counter when I went for a walk? The dog ate 4 pounds of raw chicken, 2 raw tillapia fillets, a bag of salad and a bunch of uncooked oatmeal. This is reason number 5000 why I am afraid to be home alone this week.

*I’m about 2 honks away from running over a child in my neighborhood. I don’t know for sure, but I’m guessing school got out this week because kids are running rampant on my street. One house even has a basketball goal that is set up ON THE FUZMUCKING street, and it’s not cool at all folks. I usually keep a pretty even temper when it comes to kids acting out, but not when I see a sitter or mom or SOMETHING sitting mere yards away doing her nails. I literally had to dodge a remote control car today and have come close to hitting about 3 kids so far this week. I would really hate to rack up that many points in one day.

*I realized something this week. I don’t have many rules that I live by, as I am pretty open minded- but I have followed one for my entire life. Never imagine a scenario that you honestly want to happen. Once it has played out in your mind, it will never come true. The same works vice versa. If you really don’t want something to happen, imagine it in every detail possible. I’m no expert on the matter- but so far it’s worked for me!

*I finally brought my bike up from Waco. My plan was to ride it to work this week, as I figure it will be cooler than driving my un-air conditioned car. Unfortunately, I somehow messed up the alignment whilst trying to get it in my car, and to ride it would mean turning my entire body sideways. And since I’m not even used to regularly  riding a bike (unless it’s stationary) this would be a fail of epic porportions.

*My 10 year high school reunion is next week, and though I did decide to go, I have nothing to wear. Nothing that fits that is. And no money… so I’m now taking donations. Let me know if you have something.

*Chiggers and Ants have currently declared war against each other on my ankles. I know not who will win at this point. I only know that I lose either way. HELP!

That being said, I’m really not looking forward to it, especially now that I no longer have a pool and my air conditioning in my car is about to go kaputz. That, and I can already see the thousands of Facebook and Twitter updates from my teacher friends who get to spend a few months doing nothing but reading and sitting by a pool. But for now, I’m trying not to think about summer and instead I’m attempting to focus on the fact that the last few weeks have been abso-fricking gorgeous around these parts. It’s been so glorious that I kind of want to take Mother Nature out behind the school yard and get her pregnant in order to create lots and lots of days just like this, incestual as that may be.

The last few days I’ve really been trying to get the most of this nice weather, because I know it’s fleeting and that in a week or two I won’t be able to move without breaking out into a sweat. As a result I am likely to spend the next few months smelling like a kid after recess, which if your wondering is the mixture of grass and Taco bell. Speaking of, I’ve never understood why parents wait so long to introduce their children to deodorant, but if I somehow end up with a child I swear on sharp cheddar cheese that I will make my kid start wearing deodorant at the age of 5.

Oh yeah, the weather. It makes me really wish I had a hammock. Or some trees in my backyard. Or green grass. Or at least grass that wasn’t covered in stickers and dog poo. This weather always makes me want to be in my grandparent’s front yard. If I were there right now I’d be sitting in one of their butterfly chairs under the giant oak tree, sipping iced tea garnished with home-grown mint leaves out of a bright turquoise glass. If you’ve never drank iced tea out of a turquoise glass, I suggest you go out and buy one stat, because it makes it taste a thousand times better.

I actually acquired a few of my own just a couple of weeks ago. I was having an emotional break-down and went over to my grandparent’s house (across the street from my parents) to let them cheer me up. My grandparents are the best people in the world for cheering people up. If you don’t have your own, I’ll let you borrow mine for an hour or two… but since their the best g-funk parents in the whole wide world I’m kind of afraid you won’t want to give them back. But I trust you… so, maybe.

Any-g-funk-era, a weeks ago I had a lot of drama in my life, and all of their usual tricks weren’t working. My grandmother rubbed my back; told me stories about her own hard times;  fed me graham crackers with marshmallows, a few prunes and a cut up orange; let me pick out a song to play on the Juke Box (Sweet Georgia Brown,) and finally in a moment of exasperation she started trying to give me things. As much as I have always loved her gifts, I really hate when she starts trying to give me stuff, especially when I think her motive is to make me feel better… I guess it makes me feel guilty. I went ahead and accepted a couple books, (one was an 1890′s Guide to Good Girl Ettiquete!!) and then she pulled out a set of turquoise glasses that, as many times as I said no, she insisted that I keep.

They aren’t really so much a set, but a bunch of different ones that she has collected from antique stores and such over the years. Each one is a little bit different, but they are all beautiful!

And let me tell you, I’m glad I finally accepted. I have been drinking out of them every day, and liquids have never tasted better. Even the liquids that aren’t tea.

So please, get yourself a turquoise glass or two and you won’t be sorry!

This week though, I decided to dedicate most of my time to me and getting my life back in order. It’s not like things in my own personal life have gotten ridiculously out of touch, but I did need to do a bit of soul searching.

I cleaned my room, learned how to wash my face (with the help of Aunt Bitch), started working out again, and barely even took a sip of alcohol all week. Until tonight, of course. But with good reason, bare with me. And even after NOT DRINKING, somebody at worked asked me if “I had a good time last night.” I was like, “ummmm not really… why?” He then informed me that he thought he smelled booze on me this morning.

I guess it’s possible that since it was only Thursday there was still a little booze on me from last week, but seriously??? In all my years of drinking, I’ve never had anyone tell me I smell of alcohol the night before. Then I make a very controlled effort NOT to drink for a week and someone tells me I smell like booze!?!? Oh well…

So… tonight was kind of a big deal for me.  I’ve been involved in theater and dance my entire life, and have been doing improv comedy for almost 9 years. I thrive on being onstage in character… but I have terrible stage fright when it comes to actually being myself onstage in front of people. I don’t know why it is such a big deal.  I love telling my friends (and strangers) the stories of my ridiculous life over drinks and here on the web, but for some reason, I always completely freak out when it comes to public speaking.

Tonight I finally conquered my fears and told a story at a Story Slam, where there were several storytellers speaking about the same topic. Tonight’s topic was “A Date to Remember.” I decided to tell the story about how I went to New York City to celebrate my 22nd Birthday, only to have the city completely blackout for three days about an hour after we landed.

Here is a video of me practicing. I don’t know if my actual performance was any better than this, but it was definitely at least a little more polished. The other folks were all great, and I honestly felt quite comfortable once I got onto the stage. I think it was actually easier  performing to an audience than it is performing to a camera.

ENJOY!

[There is a video that cannot be displayed in this feed. Visit the blog entry to see the video.]

I know I have been absenteeeeee…. But I am realllllly going to try to be around a little more! I miss yall!!

That show was made of awesomesauce.

OK so I have been so absent from the internets the last few weeks. I’ve been trying my best to read all of your blogs and I’ve done my best to keep up, but to be completely honest, it’s hard with a job where you actually have to work. Then add in the fact that I’m trying to have a social life (haha) and then I have the option of spending my night on the patio drinking beer and then to do amazing stuff like this!…

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I’ll be back next week!!

I know you’ve missed me. Or not.. but I’ve missed you. I can’t believe my week of stay-cating and watching movies has come to an end. But I guess as they say, all good things must come to an end.

Really though? Why? Why must good things end? The world would be a thousand times better if we simply kept the good things going.

Do you know what that would mean? Since good= John Cusack, we could watch John Cusack movies all the live long day. Since good= sunflower seeds, I could eat them for every meal. Since good=It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, they wouldn’t take really long breaks in between seasons causing me to watch stupid shows instead. Since good = ketchup, people wouldn’t look at me so weird when I use 27 packets with my lunch.

“You can never have too much of a good thing.”

I like that one better…

Anyway, so yes. My good week of not having to go into an office has ended, but I’m actually quite excited to have something to occupy my brain, which has had quite a lot to deal with the past week.

I’ve had some family drama going on, which I’m not going to go into now… because quite frankly I’m tired of thinking about it.

I’ve had to get over seeing approximately 84 peni, which I’m guessing is the plural for “penis,” this week on chat roulette, which I guess is sort of my own fault. Actually though, LA and I found the perfect solution for these weirdos that think that everyone wants to watch them slap their salami. We go through the whole introduction and act like we’re into it… then I stand so that the camera focuses on my crotch, slowly unzip, and pull out a banana. It’s quite entertaining to get their reaction, but then again my entertainment level equates that of a 13 year old boy.

Oh and then last night I got broken up with via text message. By a guy I’m not even sure I was dating in the first place.

I usually don’t like to blog-bash people I know in real life who don’t have a blog that they can use to defend themselves… but I can’t let this one go by without saying anything. I mean a text message!? Really? You don’t even have the courtesy to tell me to my face? To give me just a little explanation?

Truth is, this one is probably my fault too. A few months ago we tried out this whole hanging out thing, and he blew me off without an explanation, so I really kind of expected this.. but still… A text message?

We had been hanging out again recently, and truth be told- I wasn’t really feeling it and it’s not like I thought we were going to get married or anything, but it was fun.. ya know? So I figured what the hell. Then I hadn’t heard from him in a few days and I’m sick of bullshit games so last night (after a full day of pub crawling and drinking) I decided to text and ask what was up.

I have since deleted him from my phone so I can’t say for sure what was said, but I’m thinking it was something along the lines of “Soooo I’m guesssingr itss ovverrr?

His reply? Something to the likes of “I didn’t really see it going anywhere, I’d like to still be friends .”

I think after that I sent him a string of drunken texts but I have no idea what I said so I think I’d like to get that response out there now, for closure and what not.

Dear  Douchecanoe,

Well, I guess I already knew the answer before I drunkenly texted you, so I can’t be too angry with you. At least you were honest. However, I did think that you need to know that telling someone via text that you’re not interested is unacceptable. Sure, it’s better than on a post-it note, or a billboard or something… but not by much. Were we even dating in the first place?  I don’t really think sitting over at your place getting drunk and watching music videos before hooking up counts as a date.

Also, I know that by me writing this, it actually sounds like I might care. This is definitely not the case. More than anything I just wanted a little bit of an explanation. I’m all about constructive criticism and was curious to know what I did that made me not even worthy of a phone call. Unless the reason is because I did something weird like fart in my sleep. Then just leave it be…

In addition, I wanted to express my annoyance with the fact that you got to end it first. Maybe that says something about my maturity level, and usually I wouldn’t care… but a text????

That’s all I wanted to say… hope we can still be friends.

cjaded

Peeee Esssss…

I lied. I do think your hats are stupid.

Also, today I joined match.com today even though part of me feels like I should bow out of this whole dating scene while I am clearly ahead.

I have missed you and hopefully tomorrow night I can catch up on reading some blogs… it’s been way too long but I just couldn’t sit in front of the computer any more than I had to!

I know… I’m so white I don’t even need a night light… (I don’t even know what that means)

I’m so white, I make Queen look like Queen Latifa…

I’m so white, I make Casper shit his pants…

Ok I’ll quit.

So here I am quickly approaching day two of my Stay-cation. Did I mention that I’m off this week? Cause, yeah- I most definitely am. Friday was my last day of work at my old job, and next Monday I start a new postition that is much, much closer to home.That being said, for the majority of this week my web-presence is most likely going to be non-existant. I’ll try my best to read as many blogs from my phone, but I probably won’t be able to comment much. I’ve got quite a few things to take care of, plus- I’m spending the majority of my time watching movies and writing up some reviews over at Red Carpet Crash. So check it people!

Lets dive right into these stickies, shall we? For more awesome sticky note greatness, make sure you check out Supah Mommy’s page!

While I’m so super pumped about my week off, one of these days I would truly like a week off, where I have absolutely no obligatgions. More than that, I cannot express to you just how great this Rocky Mountain jalapeno popcorn is. I wish I was famous and could get some sort of endorsement or like 8 years of free popcorn or something, but I’m not. But still.. it’s the shitsizzle.

A few weeks ago, my roommate LA discovered this stuff, and I can’t decide if it is my heaven or my hell. Either way, I’ve been eating an average of 300000000 kernels a day, and so far, I think it’s worth it.

Isn’t it weird how you won’t smell something for years, and then all of a sudden you get a whiff of something that brings a whole life-time of memories back to you? Usually this only happens when I get a whiff of cafeteria food, and I’m brought back to the days when we used to have competitions in my elementary school (and then later college) cafeterias, seeing how many foods we could mix together and then eat. The winner got the best item from someone’s lunch at the table. Today though, I found an old perfume oil at the bottom of one of my old purses. I put it on, and immediately was brought back to my life 3 years ago. It wasn’t the most happy time of my life, but I vividally recalled a few moments that I wouldn’t had otherwise. I’m not sure of what my point in sharing this was, other than- be careful what you smell.

I’ve gotten the opportunity of the lifetime the last few days at the Dallas International Film Festival. I’ve seen quite a few films, and none have managed to disapoint, which doesn’t make for the best fare when you’re out to write reviews. My favorite moment so far? Meeting Clint Howard. I know most of you probably think he’s an ugly sonofabitch… but you know, I’ve always had this weird unexplainable fascination with the dude. So meeting him was pretty much euphorical…

OH GAWD I LOVE ME SOME CHEST HAIR!

I can’t eve start to explain to you how excited I am to be a member of BRTWOA (Bike Riders to Work Of America). I just made it up, but really I’m pumped. How awesome not to have to waste precious money on asshole gas.  YAY!

I also can’t tell you how excited I am about my newest purchase. I have many projects on the way, some of which include my roommate LA, and others which have to do with my dare project. Speaking of, you should really submit a dare, even if you have already. I’m planning on getting many of these dare up and going in the near future, and I CAN”T WAIT. All you have to do is dare me, bitch. I dare you.

I know you probably thought my absence from the web had something to do with the ants eating at my brain, and if you did- you were partially right.YAY for you. But seriously, thanks for all your suggestions on how to do away with my pesky little problem, I’m on them all. Tonight, I try cucumbers. We’ll see how that goes. Keep your suggestions coming, because obviously my traps aren’t doing a damn thing…

I really do. All I want to do right now is have 1 million hours to read everyone’s posts. I feel so out of the loop. I heart you and I hope you remember me in my absense. And maybe I’ll get a chance to get around. Yeah, not like that…

I’m going to be honest with you. I am by no means a “gamer”  and I very rarely dip my toes into anything game-related. That’s not to say that I didn’t play my fair share of “Super Mario World” and “Zombies ate my Neighbors” as a kid, but I would put my knowledge at anything past “Zelda”, elementary at best. So when  brentalfloss passed on the tracks of his new album (you can pre-order it now!) so that I could do a review for you-I was a little nervous that I would have no idea what any of the songs were about.

Not the case at all.

While the majority of the songs are video game parodies, the lyrics are catchy and fun, and for the most part – not over my head. Plus this dude is so musically talented he could sing about poo and farts (which he sometimes does) and I would be thoroughly entertained.

The Breakdown:

Ducktales with Lyrics: Since I’m pretty much a complete idiot when it comes to video games, I was happy to hear the album start out with something that I was familiar with. Ducktales is definitely one of the catchiest songs on the CD and a great tune to put you into a nerd-tastic kind of mood. It’s also one that you can’t help but clap along to, in case you want to ensure that you look like a really cool person in your car.

Gypsy Tetris: A nice little ditty that serves as an intro to “Tetris,” and is just one example of Brent’s ability to take on practically any genre.

Tetris: This has always been my favorite brentalfloss video, and the album version is still probably my favorite. If you’re unfamiliar, he has somehow managed to write a song about how Tetris is a game made for “chics” without  coming off as a giant asshole. Only now that I think about it, he doescome off like a giant asshole but I like it anyway. I guess that’s because I have a vagina and I’m just innately interested in all things Tetris. Well you know what Brent? You can suck it. I’m proud of the fact that I play Tetris on my phone every time I use the restroom. And by restroom, I do mean taking a shit because girls poo too!

Corey: Awwww… such a great  love-ish ballad. I don’t know who this Corey chick is, but she has inspired me to take up video gaming in hopes that I can one day have a video-game loving Youtube sensation write a song about me. Or not… but I play Tetris? In all seriousness, I really love this innuendo-filled tune. Any song that contains the lyrics “I could plug right into your XBox, and you could mess around with my Wii,” is an automatic win.

Final Fantasy Victory: This song kind of makes me want to kick my own ass for never having played Final Fantasy. A victory song this fun could only be inspired by an awesome game.  I asked Brent where he gets the inspiration for his lyrics, and he told me that he used to sing along and narrate the games while he was playing. This particular song starts out with “Now you’re dead, you’re dead cause we killed you…” I can picture little brentalfloss singing something similar as he kicked a bunny’s ass.

Good Example: Dude. Brent can rap? I mean… Dude! Brent can rap!! I had to do a little research to figure out where this song was coming from, but apparently it was written about a contest winner on his Youtube channel. I love rap songs that talk about extremely average things. It made me recall Jon LaJoie’s “Everyday Normal Guy,” only the fact that this was written about fan made it a million times better. One of my favorites, for sure.

Mega Man 3 With Lyrics: This might make anyone who is already a brentalfloss fan stop reading, but I had never even heard of Megaman until recently. I think I actually asked Brent who Megan Man was when I met him and he yelled at me. Regardless,  it seems that this video is one of the “brentalfloss- fan-favorites” and I don’t think the cd-version will disappoint. From what I can tell from the lyrics, Megaman is one of the bad-assiest of all video game characters. As with most of his songs, the lyrics give a great description of the game and characters so that even me and the other 15 clueless people in the world can get into it.

Bubble Man With Lyrics: I have absolutely no idea who this Bubble Man fellow is, but he sounds like one scary mofo. This song is chock-full fart jokes and I absolutely couldn’t stop laughing. Hilarious.

Final Fantasy Classic: This song makes Final Fantasy sound like a game full of magic and comradery… an anthem of sorts. It kind of made me wish that at some point in my life I could be a ten-year old boy, spending hours drinking Mountain Dew with my friends while  the fate of the “world” relied on the gifts of my strategy and my fingertips. There are a few references here that I’m sure you have to be familiar with the game to get, but lyrics aside- the electric guitar (I think?) has a very “Top Gun” feel that pretty much rocked my soul.

A Boy and His Blob Mini-Lyric: A short song about a boy and his blob, but you probably got that by reading the title. Very weird. But the absurdity of it was enough to make it enjoyable. It also inspired me to look up this game and give it a quick play online.

Gotta Run/Be the One- feat. The Megas: Dude. Wow. I’ve never heard either of these songs separately,  but this track seriously melted my face off. I listened to it about 6 times in a row and couldn’t believe that I was in my car singing along to a theme from Mega Man (no offense). Loves it.

Paperboy With Lyrics feat The Koname Kode:Yay! Another game I actually played, and by far one of the most catchy parodies on the album. The lyrics had me laughing and really amplify just how ridiculous (yet enjoyable) Paperboy was. Plus there is this really awesome bluesy breakdown, which is just glorious.

Mario Piano Medley: A beautiful piano medley of all my favorite “Mario” songs… what more could I ask for? Nothing, except maybe for brentalfloss to do a stint on Chatroulette.

Final Fantasy IV Love Theme With Lyrics: Spot on impression of Eric Cartman + beautifully played melody+ lyrics about sucking balls= WIN.

The Roommate Song: Another one of my favorites,  “The Roommate Song,” recounts the poignant tale of  a man constantly catching his roommate taking himself to pound-town. These are seriously some of funniest lyrics I have ever heard, and I can’t imagine there is a person out there who wouldn’t enjoy this tune. Except maybe my grandparents.

Dr. Mario With Lyrics: I’ve always had an inexplicable dislike for Dr. Mario (probably has something to do with my fear of Doctors) so I went into this track with somewhat of a negative outlook. I was quite surprised at how much I actually enjoyed it.  For this song, Brent has done an excellent job perfecting Dr. Mario’s accent. I’m not sure how he does it, but in about 30 seconds he manages to fit in every disease that my hypochondriac brain has ever diagnosed myself with.

Introspective Duck In Space: Another great instrumental piece, nearly brought a tear to my eye.

Mushroom Kingdom: Holy mother of my soul, this one came out of no where. I totally wasn’t expecting a “Sister Christian” parody and it made my heart happy when I realized that’s what it was. Even better, it’s about Mario so it was something I could really get on top of. (That’s what she said)  Right near the beginning he pops out with a “Oh Poop, It’s King Koop,” which is something that will definitely be worked into my daily vocabulary, whether it makes sense or not. I know I’ve already had about 10 favorites, but this one might just take the cake. Heart. Plus this might sound stupid, but until I looked up the lyrics to Sister Christian, I thought the chorus was “Motorhead-what’s your price to fight?” -so I really enjoy that I can sing along to the correct lyrics on this one.

Zelda With Lyrics: Yessssss. An awesome rock-out version of my favorite video game of all time. Brent has a major “Tenacious D” vibe going on in “Zelda,” which I really love. He really brings light to the true goal of the game of  Zelda-  a chance to have sex with her. This song really brings me back to some good times, but I think even those who aren’t huge fans of Zelda would love it.

The End?: The final track contains a few outtakes from the making of the CD. I got a few laughs out of it, though I accidentally skipped over it the first time around, so don’t make the same mistake.

Overall:

Nerdgasm on a disk. Take it from me, whether you are already a fan of brentalfloss, or if you have no knowledge of the gaming world (like me) this cd rocks!  Basically, if you are a fan of Tenacious D/Weird Al/Ben Folds/musicals/videogames/comedy/music in general/or getting ear fucked in the best way possible, there is something here for you. Pre-orders are available until April 4th, and every pre-order will be signed- so do it, do it, DO IT! I’ve never steered you wrong before! Also check out his YouTube Channel, for more awesomeness.

THE GIVEAWAY:

I am giving away 2 free brentalfloss cds! You can enter the contest multiple times, so listen up!

The Terms:

1 entry- Leave a comment here on my blog saying how much either brentalfloss and/or I rock.
2 entries- Follow me in your RSS reader and leave a comment to let me know that you are doing so (or that you already do)
3 entries - Subscribe to brentalfloss on Youtube, leave a comment on his channel letting him know you came from here. Something like: “I came here from carissajaded for a chance to win a free cd!!.” If you are already a subscriber leave a comment mentioning this giveaway on his channel. Also leave me a comment letting me know that you did so.
4 entries – Follow both @brentalfloss and  @carissajaded on twitter, and tweet something about how badass this giveaway is. Leave the URL of the tweet or what you tweeted in the comments.

The winner will be chosen using Random.org, and the contest will close at midnight on April 4th. Spread the word!