I don’t do well with change.
Especially change that involves saying good bye to someone whom I love with all of my heart… Someone Who I imagined would be there with me for years and years.
This kind of change not only involves a simple goodbye, but it encompasses a multitude of changes from living arrangements, shared friends, future plans, multitudes of memories, sharing day to day small moments, and the comfort of having an idea of how my life will play out.
It hurts. Right now it feels like I have no control over anything .
But these last few weeks, I have continuously surprised myself with the amount of strength and maturity that I’ve somehow managed to pry out of somewhere deep within myself that I didn’t even know I possessed.
Don’t get me wrong- I’ve fallen, I’ve cried, and I’ve had moments where I just didn’t feel like I could move.
But I’ve also found moments of peace.
One thing I’ve learned in my 33 years is that nothing that is created can last forever.
Buildings fall; seasons change; emotions come and go; friendships fade and strengthen; and all living things eventually have to die.
There is something both beautiful and tragic about the way that everything balances itself out.
Though I’ve had my share of hardship in my life, I’ve somehow made it to THIS point in world that is full of death and disease and war. Moreover, I’m still surrounded by friends and family and strangers who have also been luckily enough to survive their own trials on their own journey.
Plus, I have the privilege of just sitting still and taking a moment to listen to the birds and cars and music of the world that is constantly changing around me.
I’m so grateful to have had all of my experiences. To have known all of the people who have come and gone from my life… And I know that in time I will be able to think back fondly on these last few years without remorse or depression.
Five years ago, when I found myself in a deeply dark place after a break up from my first love, I started a blog where I decided to “High Fidelity” my life. The goal was to write about all of the people who I once believed were “the one” and find out what I learned from those situations with the hope that one day I would be able to feel the same way about the heartache I was feeling at that time.
I recently read back over these posts and found myself laughing at the extent of despair and dramatic remorse that I felt at the time. I felt pain for the version of me that couldn’t see past her depression, but I also felt the urge to hug her and tell her she was being silly, of course this pain will fade.
I have no idea what my future holds. This is simultaneously ridiculously frightening and exhilarating.
All I know is that for right now, this moment, I am breathing, I am crying, and I am an extremely lucky person to get to experience all the love and pain that I feel RIGHT NOW.