It seems everywhere you look people are announcing new ways to “stay younger longer.” Everyone is constantly searching for that secret ingredient that will keep them looking and acting young longer than the generation before them.
I say phooey to that. Of course I wouldn’t mind some wrinkle repellent, and I’m not thrilled about the fact that my boobs are slowly becoming flatter and my metabolism is slowing… but there are a few things that I’m genuinely excited about.
I can fart in public:
I’m not a fan of farting. In fact, I don’t fart. Never have, never will. That doesn’t change the fact that it would be amazing to be able to pass the gas in public without anyone judging you too harshly. It will be “oh that poor old lady probably doesn’t have control of herself anymore.” Imagine the possibilities…
I can wear whatever I want:
I already dress to the beat of my own drum most of the time, but it doesn’t come without judgment. I look forward to the day when I can wear sweat pants and a cardigan without people thinking I’ve lost my mind.
I will know everything there is to know about birds and plant species:
It’s one of the crazy miracles of life, but to my understanding, you reach a certain age when you magically know all the plants and birds in the world. I’ll be able to walk outside and listen to a chirp and tell you it’s a Yellow Bellied Warbler. I’ll point to the ground to an allyssum and tell you all about it’s history. For all I know, the old people of the world are completely full of shit, but we believe them. Because they’re wise.
I will be able to cook EVERYTHING and everyone will want my recipes:
It’s another thing that just comes with age. Old women know how to cook. And their kitchen’s always smell delicious.
People will listen to my dumb stories and think they’re full of wisdom:
Of course I’ll leave out the preface, “one time when I was drunk,” but everything that comes out of my mouth will become a legend. The stories of how I got held up at gun point and the time I went iron-board surfing down a stair case will change from drunken tales to life lessons.
My bad handwriting will finally make sense:
I’ve never had good penmanship, but I will finally have the excuse of shaky hands and arthritis.
I won’t have to shower very often, because my hair is done:
Old people get their hair curled up a few times a month, and therefore cannot wash it. This means that I will no longer have to shower and it wont matter, because I’m not doing much anyway.
I can live in house shoes:
Need I say anything else?
My favorite shows will be on again on Nick at Nite:
It’s already happening now, but by the time I get old, ALL OF MY FAVORITES will be showing again on rerun. The young people will think the characters of 90210 are so “old fashioned” with their safe-sex and I’ll get to relive Brandon and Kelli again. Plus? My mind might be gone so it will be like I’m seeing it all for the first time!
I’ll get to say “back in my day” and people will be amazed that gas used to be $2.50:
I know it’s hard to imagine, what with the rising prices of gas and milk and diet cokes from the machine, but one day it will be stuff of amazement. Kids will look at us with their eyes big and say they can’t imagine paying only $400 for a cross country flight. We will chuckle and remember how ridiculous it seemed at the time.