Why I Can’t Wait to Get Old (Or Maybe I’m Trying to Make Myself Feel Better)

10 Reasons Old People Have it Good

10 Reasons Old People Have it Good

It seems everywhere you look people are announcing new ways to “stay younger longer.”  Everyone is constantly searching for that secret ingredient that will keep them looking and acting young longer than the generation before them.

I say phooey to that. Of course I wouldn’t mind some wrinkle repellent, and I’m not thrilled about the fact that my boobs are slowly becoming flatter and my metabolism is slowing… but there are a few things that I’m genuinely excited about.

I can fart in public:

I’m not a fan of farting. In fact, I don’t fart. Never have, never will. That doesn’t change the fact that it would be amazing to be able to pass the gas in public without anyone judging you too harshly. It will be “oh that poor old lady probably doesn’t have control of herself anymore.” Imagine the possibilities…

I can wear whatever I want:

I already dress to the beat of my own drum most of the time, but it doesn’t come without judgment. I look forward to the day when I can wear sweat pants and a cardigan without people thinking I’ve lost my mind.

I will know everything there is to know about birds and plant species:

It’s one of the crazy miracles of life, but to my understanding, you reach a certain age when you magically know all the plants and birds in the world. I’ll be able to walk outside and listen to a chirp and tell you it’s a Yellow Bellied Warbler. I’ll point to the ground to an allyssum and tell you all about it’s history. For all I know, the old people of the world are completely full of shit, but we believe them. Because they’re wise.

I will be able to cook EVERYTHING and everyone will want my recipes:

It’s another thing that just comes with age. Old women know how to cook. And their kitchen’s always smell delicious.

People will listen to my dumb stories and think they’re full of wisdom:

Of course I’ll leave out the preface, “one time when I was drunk,” but everything that comes out of my mouth will become a legend. The stories of how I got held up at gun point and the time I went iron-board surfing down a stair case will change from drunken tales to life lessons.

 My bad handwriting will finally make sense:

I’ve never had good penmanship, but I will finally have the excuse of shaky hands and arthritis.

I won’t have to shower very often, because my hair is done:

Old people get their hair curled up a few times a month, and therefore cannot wash it. This means that I will no longer have to shower and it wont matter, because I’m not doing much anyway.

I can live in house shoes:

Need I say anything else?

My favorite shows will be on again on Nick at Nite:

It’s already happening now, but by the time I get old, ALL OF MY FAVORITES will be showing again on rerun. The young people will think the characters of 90210 are so “old fashioned” with their safe-sex and I’ll get to relive Brandon and Kelli again. Plus? My mind might be gone so it will be like I’m seeing it all for the first time!

I’ll get to say “back in my day” and people will be amazed that gas used to be $2.50:

I know it’s hard to imagine, what with the rising prices of gas and milk and diet cokes from the machine, but one day it will be stuff of amazement. Kids will look at us with their eyes big and say they can’t imagine paying only $400 for a cross country flight. We will chuckle and remember how ridiculous it seemed at the time.




Related posts:

  1. About Once Every Six Months, I Feel I’m Entitled To A Sappy, Serious Post: What I Want Out Of 28.
  2. 10 Reasons I Can’t Wait to be an Old Person
  3. 10 Ways To Get In the Moment For Normal People
  4. What I’ve learned in 61 Days of Sobriety…
  5. Our Song
  • http://www.simplysouthernstacie.org/ Stacie

    Yes to all of these!! I would like to add that I will be able to say whatever comes to my mind (no matter how rude or inappropriate) and no one will be able to say anything back because I’m old. Haha!

  • http://gretchruns.com Gretchen Braun

    This is so funny! Thanks for starting my day out with a smile :)

  • http://whisperingwriter.blogspot.com/ Amber

    Living in house shoes will be awesome.

    Farting just makes me laugh.

    I already say “back in my day” sometimes, ha.

  • http://mwaonline.blogspot.com Mwa

    Giggle. You know you could do ALL these things right now. Start farting at work!

  • http://www.audielou.com Audrey

    Hahaha, these are fantastic- especially knowing all about birds and plants. I can’t wait unto the flora gods bless me with infinite knowledge of all things shrub. Hahaha!

  • http://www.thisimperfecthappiness.com Diana

    Oh my goodness this is the best thing ever. I love it! I’m looking forward to saying whatever’s on my mind and being forgiven because, “hey she’s just old” Old people can say whatever they want.

  • Kersten @fitandtasty180.com

    Haha this is so funny! And you are allowed to say absolutely everything that crosses your mind and tell everyone that “you are too young to understand that shit anyway”. Just like my grandma does 😀

  • http://katieelizabethchicago.blogspot.com/ Katie Elizabeth

    Haha I love this! I’ve also thought about how it will be nice to be old one day and not have to worry about makeup or clothes or doing your hair 😉 Too funny!

  • http://www.dreambigandbuytheshoes.com/ Emelia @ Dream Big & Buy the S

    YES! I love all of these…and you can do whatever you want, when you want…no time limits..the WHOLE DAY is yours! haha

  • http://tillthensmileoften.com/ Kerry

    The freedom of old age and getting to do nearly anything you want is pretty epic. Farts and house shoes is on the top of the list.

  • http://girlytomboymusings.blogspot.com Ganeeban

    I’ve been saying “I can wait to wear whatever I want” for ever! People scoff at it, but mumu’s will be my jam, especially the Hawaiian ones! I embrace aging and all the craziness that comes with it, bring it ON! I about died with the first one, is that found upon in your 30’s…ooops! xoxo, ganeeban

  • Allison Renner

    You are my soul sister. I halfway live like a crotchety old lady right now. I can’t wait to tell people what I think of them and not have to sugarcoat things, and not have to make up excuses when I don’t want to do anything. And yes, wear whatever I want and look crazy/sweet, ha!

  • ElleSees.blogspot.com

    this cracked me up! i want to be able to say whatever the hell i want!

  • http://www.carissajaded.com Carissa

    Haha AGREED!

  • http://www.carissajaded.com Carissa

    Thanks for reading Gretchen!

  • http://www.carissajaded.com Carissa

    It’s sad how often “back in my day” makes sense even now, and how much has already changed.

  • http://www.carissajaded.com Carissa

    Oh I do. I mean…. NOT IT!

  • http://www.carissajaded.com Carissa

    Right? How do they magically know everything!?

  • http://www.carissajaded.com Carissa

    Old people can say anything! And people just feel sorry for them.

  • http://www.carissajaded.com Carissa

    My grandma does too! And I think she’s earned it!

  • http://www.carissajaded.com Carissa

    Right? Wearing an elastic skirt would be dressing up.

  • http://www.carissajaded.com Carissa

    I could literally sit under a tree and sip tea all day long. And do jig saw puzzles!

  • http://www.carissajaded.com Carissa

    I dream of the day when my feet can be uncumbered for days on end…

  • http://www.carissajaded.com Carissa

    I wear mumus sometimes now and it’s glorious!

  • http://www.carissajaded.com Carissa

    haha Right? My mom is trying to take advantage of these things before her time I think-which is still hilarious!

  • http://www.carissajaded.com Carissa

    Cheers to getting old!

  • SuzLyfe

    I can’t wait to eat nothing but pie (at any time of day) and drink wine all the damn time. And to say even more inane things than I already do. Also to boss people around even more. Geez I am going to be so snarky….

  • http://www.kati-rose.com/ Kati Rose

    I dream of fuzzy robes and house slippers someday.