13 Movies You Can Pee Your Pants To

Ahhh…

My favorite time of year is finally here.

I love October. It gives me an excuse to buy all the candy at the grocery store without raising eyebrows, and even more- an excuse to force anyone whom I might be sharing a couch with to watch all the scary movies with me.

While this is without a question my most favorite time of the year, I think it may be my boyfriend’s least favorite time of the year. I know this because every time I remember it’s October (every fifteen minutes or so) I turn to him and say “OH MY GOD, DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME OF YEAR IT IS???!!!” He simply rolls his eyes as I shout “IT’S SCARY MOVIE TIME!!!”

But then when it’s evening and it’s actually time to watch a scary movie, he conveniently has an un-scary movie that needs to be watched within 24 hours or else he loses his money.

I don’t understand how I ended up dating someone who hates Halloween so much. He never even responded to my email asking him if he wanted to dress up as zombies for the season premiere of The Walking Dead. What’s wrong with him?

Well, I’m telling you all now, things around here are about to change. I’m putting my Wicked Witch of the East costumed foot down once and for all.

There are only two weeks left until the big night, and I plan on squeezing every one of my favorite scary movies in before the Witching Hour of all Witching Hours.

And in case you were wondering, not only do I have an excellent taste in months, but I also happen to be an expert on scary movies. In fact, someone once said that I happen to have the best taste in scary movies of all time. And I can vouch that the person who said this happens to know her movies!

13. Ghoulies: 1985

the ghoulies

 

It’s got puppets and extremely campy acting… what’s not to love? In all seriousness, when I re-watched this movie later in life, it was almost laughably bad. The plot surrounds a young couple who moves into an old house, and shortly after discovers that he can control a bunch of evil puppets using the dark arts. As cliche’ as it may be, it will forever remain on my list for the fact that it scarred me so badly as a child. This movie is the reason that I still have trouble going into a dark restroom in the middle of the night. If you love bad 80′s hair and atrocious puppets, this little film deserves at least one viewing.

12. Scream: 1996

scream

 While definitely not the scariest film on my list, Scream will always hold a giant place in my heart. Scream came out at a time during my adolescence when going to the theater was the most fun thing you could do. Going to see a scary movie was even more fun… Especially if the viewing had a sold out, very loud, and very young audience. This movie instilled in me the love for actually screaming during scary movies, a trait that most people around me hate, but that I feel enhances the viewing a thousand percent.

Plus, who ever saw that ending coming? I presume that all of you have seen the film, unless you’re under the age of 20 or hate scary movies… but just in case I won’t give anything away. All I’ll say, is that this is the only horror movie satire that genuinely made me reach for the Starter Jacket wearing boy’s hand next to me.

11. 1408: 2007

1408

It should come to no surprise to you that at least one John Cusack film popped up on my list. He is my cebriboyfriend, after all. 1408 also happens to be a very scary movie. It’s based on a Stephen King novella, and follows an author who specializes in investigating haunted houses. He’s also very much a skeptic… at least in the beginning. Samuel L. Jackson provides some (unintended?) comedic support as the hotel manager, but Cusack pretty much holds the film on his own.

In my opinion, 1408 is one of the best King adaptations and deserves more praises than it tends to receive. If nothing else, you’ll never again be able to hear the Carpenters’ “We’ve Only Just Begun” without getting a chilling feeling in your belly. And there is no question that 1408 is in fact, “an evil fucking room.”

10. Cabin Fever: 2002

cabin fever

 

I’ll say it loud, and I’ll say it proud. I love a good campy horror film. Cabin Fever may be the campiest of them all. It even takes place at a camp. It doesn’t pretend to be anything else. It is by far, my most favorite film about a flesh eating disease.

Eli Roth’s directorial debut follows the tradition of the Evil Dead and the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre. A tradition that I believe, should be followed more often.

I remember watching this for the first time with a group of friends who absolutely hated it. They couldn’t believe such a horrible movie was made and marketed in the 20th Century.  Then I made them sit through the director’s cut and all of the DVD extras. They still hated it, even after knowing how calculated every horrible detail was.

I blame the fact that I prefer purposely bad movies on my mother, who’s trademark move was to come back from Blockbuster with any movie that there was only one copy of, due to the fact that the video store only wanted one copy.

Still, this one is more entertaining than most. It’s downright hilarious at times.

Added bonus? The Return of Shawn from Boy Meets World.

rider strong

9. The Shining:1980

the shining

The Shining is one of the first movies that I remember being genuinely scared at. Granted, I probably shouldn’t have been watching The Shining at 8 years old, but who am I to judge other people’s parenting? (Even if they are my own parents)

The Shining is the only movie that I can cross off for having seen this season. In fact, I gave it a re-watch just last night. I have to  be honest… it definitely didn’t have the same effect on me at 31 as it did as a child, but now I can appreciate what a good film it was for it’s time.

In fact, I might even consider it timeless.

The is another one of the few quality Stephen King adaptations, but note that Kubrick took many liberties on the plot and storyline. If you’re like my boyfriend and have somehow made it to the age of 30 without seeing this film, you need to remedy this right away. You’ll finally understand why are parents consider Jack Nicholson one of the greatest actors of all time.

I should also note, if you are already a fan of this film, you need to check out the documentary Room 237. It will give you a whole new perspective on an old favorite.

 

8. Army of Darkness: 1992

army of darkness

While I love all of the Evil Dead movies, Army of Darkness fills the fantasy/dark comedy/horror void in my heart as no other movie could ever do.

Sam Raimi’s third installment of the series is probably the cheesiest yet goriest movie that your eyes will ever meet. It takes the protagonist of the first two Evil Deads, Ash Williams, through a time portal where he meets Lord Arthur’s men. For all of you romantics out there, it even has a bit of a love story…. I KNOW, IT HAS EVERYTHING.

In case you needed a reason other than “I WILL FORCE FEED YOU CANNED PEAS IF YOU HAVEN”T SEEN THIS,” it looks like there might be an “Army of Darkness 2″ coming our way!

 

7. People Under The Stairs: 1991

people under the stairs

 

Here’s another one plucked from the “It’s so bad it’s delicious category.” It’s like the peanut butter and candy corn sandwich of the movies. If you like cannibalism, inbreeding, and blowing shit up… (who doesn’t?) this film is for you. It’s also full of cheesy one-liners, and features that creepy guy from the milk commercials.

 

people under the stairs milk guy

 

 

6. Signs: 2002

signs

 

I know that   isn’t the most popular name as of late, but there is no denying that you didn’t almost pee your jockeys the first time you saw that creepy white alien cross your screen.

signs movie alien

 

Even after numerous viewings, I still find my that my heart beats a little faster during a few scenes of this 2002 film. It also still gives me an excuse as to why I leave half-full glasses of water around my apartment. Plus, it reminds me of better times… back before Mel Gibson was a Jew-hating schmuck. Ahhh. The world was once a beautiful place.

 

5. The Exorcist: 1973

the-exorcist_73209

Ah, a film that probably needs no explanation. Little Regan McNeil is unquestionably one of the most horrifying characters of all time. She also remains my most favorite Halloween costume of all time.

I also really love to thrash around in my bed yelling “FUCK ME, FUCK ME.” It drives the dogs absolutely crazy.

But seriously. I don’t believe there was ever a person who didn’t walk out from their first viewing of the Exorcist at least a little shaken up.

The best part? It was inspired by a real-life demonic possession… if you believe in that sort of thing. What I can’t believe, is the extent that family went to saving that little bitch. If I ever start projectile vomiting green shit or climbing backwards up my stairs like a dying cockroach, I give you my permission to shoot me then and there. Don’t bother with an exorcism.

I also give you my permission to sell my story to some high-paying film execs. You can even liven it up a little bit. Make me famous.

4. Mothman Prophecies: 2002

mothman

 

It’s difficult to believe that a movie that saw 11 years ago is still the reason I get freaked out when I see a moth in my house.

While definitely not as gory as most of my favorite movies, this film has a way of crawling under your skin. It will creep into your mind when you least expect it. It will cause you to take a closer look at that doodle you made during your last meeting. What did it mean? Am I going to die?

And since this is based on a true story, there is a very good chance that if you are drawing scary moth-like figures-you might meet up with a man named death in your near future. I’m sorry you had to hear it from me.

3. Pet Semetary II: 1992

pet semetary 2

 

When I was a kid, I never had a babysitter. Instead, I was often shuffled across the street to my grandparent’s house when my parents wanted to get it on, or whatever it was they liked to do when I was away.

I loved my grandparent’s house. It had everything a grandparent’s house should have. Freshly baked cookies… Jigsaw puzzles… A swing set made from an old tire… an ancient pet cemetery just in view from my bedroom window.

Which is probably why the Pet Sematary movies still bring me chills after all these years. I spent many a night lying in bed, intermittently peeking out of my window to try to see the evil satan dog before it ate me to death.

While both of the movies were the cause of many of my sleepless nights, I chose to put the second one on my list, only because I was once in love with Edward Furlong.

On second thought, I should probably take this movie off of my list, and put Edward Furlong NOW in it’s place.

It’s pretty terrifying to think that my walls were once plastered with this guy’s face.

edward furlong

 

2. Identity:2003

 

identity movie

 

Not only is this one of my favorite psychological thrillers, but it’s also one of my favorite movies of all time. And not just because it has Mr. Cusack in it.

OK, partially because it has John in it, but it’s also a really good movie. It’s got enough twists to keep you on your toes, a few scenes that will cause you to scream, and an ending that I never saw coming. It also stars John Cusack.

 

1. Event Horizon: 1997

event horizon

Although I haven’t been able to muster up the courage to re-watch this film in years, Event Horizon remains in my mind, the most terrifying movie that I have ever seen.

Full disclosure: I watched it the first time my parents ever let me stay home alone. I was in 14 and in the ninth grade. I LITERALLY peed my pants. And then I had to walk my soiled self over to my grandparents house at 1am in the morning, and sheepishly ask if I could sleep at their house. I think I told them I had a nightmare.

I don’t remember anything that happens, except that it takes place in space and it has something to do with hell. But did I mention that it made me urinate in my pants?

I doubt that it will live up to the fear-inducing film that I remember from years ago, but this year I am finally going to give it the re-watch that it deserves.

 

Now that I’ve provided you with the bestest horror movies of all time, What’s your favorite scary movie, Sidney?

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  • Race Car Darrell

    I love horror flicks, even the bad ones. Can’t argue with your list. They’re all pretty good. My top five – Jaws, The Exorcist, Halloween (original), The Descent, The Omen (original).

  • Jeffrey Parker

    Liberate’ tutemet ex inferis! The one line from EH that stuck in my head.

  • Angela G

    Hey Carissa! Totally agree about Event Horizon. Also, recent-ish movies that freaked me out are Jeepers Creepers, The Descent, House of the Devil and Trick R Treat (2007).
    PS you are my favorite person on the Dudley and Bob show!!

    Angela G.

  • CarissaJaded

    I forgot about the Descent! I could barely sit through it.

  • CarissaJaded

    Aw thanks for listening and for stopping by! I need to rewatch Trick R Treat. I think I only gave it half of my attention.