My New Disorder.


am not obsessive

 

You guys? Something fishy is going on with my body, and it’s really starting to scare me.

And no, I’m not talking about the two tumors that suddenly appeared last week on my bicep, although I am worried about those too. Though after further obsession, I’m fairly sure that they are the result of a fall at the skating rink.

(Remind me to tell you some day how much fun skating was and how now I want to join the Roller Derby).

Still, I’m not completely convinced.

Even though I’ve spent a good portion of my down-time this week googling “arm tumors,” “arm lumps,” and “arm cancer-” that was really just something to do to mask my real concern…

Which is that my brain has started to crave order, where in the past-it thrived off of chaos.

I know, I know. Most people would be thrilled with such a change.

Me? I don’t know what to think.

On the one hand, of course I’m pleased with my sudden compulsion to be organized.

I now have dozens of lists to get me through the day… and the night… and the next five years.

To do lists. Grocery Lists. Bucket lists. Fuck-it lists. Dreams. Blog ideas. Recipes I want to try. Things I Need to Buy at Some Point. Guest Ideas for Work. People I Should Call or Send Post Cards To. People I Should Block From Facebook. Random Good Deeds I Should Execute. Tricks to Teach Stevie.  Things to Organize. Things to Buy in Case Of a Pandemic. Things to Do When I’m Bored. Things to Write About. Favorite Songs Of All Time.

On top of obsessively planning out the rest of my life on paper, I’ve also somehow become a neat-freak over night.

Ok so “Freak” may be a little strong of a word, but I have felt the need to be constantly organizing something.

From the looks of it, you probably wouldn’t even notice.

Oh, you may notice the strange scent of windex in the air, in places where you have never smelt it before (my room)- but my car is still cluttered; I still have 8 half-full (notice my optimism) glasses placed haphazardly around my room; and I still have a pair of dirty underwear in the corner of my bedroom,where it is sure to sit until my dog discovers it and chews it to shreds…  But if you really look closely, you’ll notice the difference.

For instance: I recently went through my underwear drawer, tried on every single pair, and threw out at least three from my bigger days. This took roughly 2 hours. I also organized my jewelry, untangled my earbuds, cleaned out all of my old purses, gathered three huge bags of clothes to take to Goodwill (still sitting in my car) and organized 4 stacks of cds and dvds.

That’s huge for me, yall.

I’m finding that I can no longer sit still. I used to fill up my free afternoons with long leisurely naps and binges of Heart of Dixie on Netflix, but now I have to constantly be doing something with my hands. It’s not normal for me at all.

What really worries me is the fact that the urge to organize comes over me so strongly. I’ll be going about my work when it suddenly hits me that my purse is jumbled. I tell myself that I’ll organize it later, when I have the time. I add it to my list of things to do that day.

But I can’t think clearly about anything else until my purse is clean. I HAVE TO DO IT NOW. The next thing I know, I’m sprawled out on the floor putting bobby pins into a neat little pile and applying sanitizer to every item that I carry with me.

I’m thinking it has to be some weird side-effect from quitting drinking (59 days btw!!). Perhaps I’m finally doing what I have tried to do for years-channeling all of my extra energy and anxiety into doing something useful. Maybe that’s why I’m writing here again!

I honestly don’t know, but I’m slightly worried that if this continues, it will soon turn into full-blown OCD. I might soon be the girl who washes her face every time it touches the outside air. Should I start saving up so that I can purchase gloves to match all of my clothes? Will I still be able to go three days without bathing?

 

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