Jeez. I don’t understand how time goes by so fast some days, and creeps by on others.
This holiday weekend was one of those fast-moving times. I had to work on Friday morning, but besides that-I can barely remember what happened when over the last few days.
I know I ate at Olive Garden, went on a nine mile hike, Saw “Now you See me,” went swimming a few times, and got a lot of much needed sleep. The details though, I can barely remember.
The strangest part is that minute by minute, I’ve felt more clear-headed than I have in years.
Today has been nine days since my last sip of alcohol. I hesitate to talk about it, but I don’t know how to deal with things without sharing so I am probably going to continue to do so. I don’t know my ultimate plan. I’m not yet comfortable publicly labeling myself.
I do know that for me, alcohol doesn’t have a positive place in my life right now. I realized that I’ve never had a healthy relationship with drinking, and I probably never will. I’m coming to terms with the fact that even though I may not need to drink daily, or even often, I’ve turned to wine during times when I’ve felt emotionally unstable. I’ve also come to the realization that every bad decision I’ve ever made has been under the influence, and none of my most cherished moments occurred while drinking. What’s the point?
More than that, I’ve never known when enough is enough. I think in a lot of ways, I have used alcohol in a very similar way that I used my eating disorder… to drown out my emotions and try to take back some control, when in reality-both behaviors have created more chaos in my life.
The last nine days have been eye-opening and full of ups and downs. I haven’t had any strong cravings to drink, but I’ve had overwhelming emotions that usually would have caused me to reach my buddy “Pinot.”
Day to day, not drinking hasn’t a big deal to me at all. In fact, in some ways it’s absolutely wonderful. I wake up clear-headed. I am saving money. I don’t have to battle the urge to drink more, or to hide the fact that I’m drinking more than my boyfriend. I’m craving exercise. I’ve been eating healthier and haven’t had a single urge to act on any of my eating issues. I am being forced to learn to deal with my emotions.
That’s not to say that the last 9 days have been easy. The worst part? Being forced to deal with my emotions. I’ve become so accustomed to having a glass of wine in my hand whenever shit hits the fan, whenever I’m stressed, or even when I’m happy or celebrating.
It’s been difficult to think about the prospect of living my life without ever drinking again. I’ll be fine and happy, going about my day, when I all of a sudden remember that both my and my boyfriend’s birthdays are both in the next month. I haven’t done a birthday sans alcohol in over 13 yrs.
I also know that there is much to be celebrated in this life, and alcohol isn’t really anything I want to celebrate right now. I’m excited about learning more about myself, how to finally really deal with life, and to get back to the things that actually make me happy. The last week I have taken the time to examine myself and my life, and I’ve realized that most of the things in my life that make me happy don’t involve drinking at all.
For now, I’m going to try my best to indulge in those things as much as possible.
Here’s to a life full of building new friendships, strengthening relationships, hiking, improvising, writing, exercising, and treating myself with all the respect that I know that I deserve.
I have no idea what the future will bring me, but for now-I owe it to myself to be the very best version of myself, one day at a time.