The really gross thing I did in my car…


Hi! How are you? How is your face? I miss you!!!

Me? I’m super busy this week.

I’ve been attempting to give this little thing called “Time Management” a try, and this week-between getting back involved in comedy, taking on a new social media consulting gig, reading  a very engaging apocalyptic fiction book on my kindle, and trying to organize a million files at the station-I have had very little time left over for managing anything.

I didn’t want to leave the tens of you readers hanging though, so I decided to repost an extremely disgusting post from 2009. If you are a listener of the show (Dudley and Bob), I brought this up today but due to the lovely rules of the FCC, couldn’t go into detail.

Please keep in mind this did happen 4 years ago, but it did happen. Enjoy.

 

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Three weeks ago today was the last day of my “woman” cycle. (Frick, it’s already been 3 weeks?) You know how that last day goes. A tampon is more of a precaution than a necessity. So that Thursday night before I went to sleep, I went ahead and took that precaution.

The following evening I decided to make the 5 hour drive to visit some friends in Houston. Before I left, I ran through my mental checklist, making sure I wouldn’t get half-way there and realize I had done something traumatic, like forget my hair straightener.  About 30 minutes into the drive, I came to a dreadful realization. I couldn’t remember taking it out from the night before.

Since I had gone to work a little hungover and dehydrated that day (as I do most Fridays,) I knew I had only used the restroom a couple of  times in the last 24 hours- and neither of those times included tampon removal.

My first thought was “Oh my God, I have toxic shock.” I then briefly imagined myself into a headache and a bad case of the chills.

My second thought should have been “I need to find a gas station where I can pull over and take this out, pronto.”

Note: I have this thing when I’m on road trips where I absolutely will not pull over unless I’m 20 seconds away from pissing myself, or I see a sign that says “worlds best beef jerky”

And since there was no such sign in sight, my actual second thought was “I bet I can take this out while driving!”

Turns out it wasn’t so difficult, even when going 80 mph on the highway.  Luckily, I was wearing a skirt, and by keeping one foot on the gas- I was able to half way stand up and… well all you need to know is that it is possible.

It wasn’t until it was removed that I realized I hadn’t thought about disposal. I panicked for a moment that I would have to break my “no littering of tampons” clause and was just about to throw it out the window, when I spotted a paper bag buried under the junk pile on the floor board of my car.

I put it in the bag, threw the bag back onto the floorboard of my car, and within in a few minutes I was so caught up in listening to an episode of “This American Life,” that I completely forgot about my predicament.

Until this Monday, when I was rummaging through my car trying to find my glasses. I spotted that brown paper bag and it all came flooding back to me.

my floor board, just so you have an idea.

I am a disgusting, despicable person. And this is just one more reason why you should never ride in my car.

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  • http://www.facebook.com/tommeny Tom Meny

     You know that feeling you get… when you realize you’re very close to throwing up…. when you are contemplating if you can keep yourself from puking, or if you should get to a toilet… and then you start salivating..  I just got that feeling. 

  • Jon

    Being human is great isn’t it?  I would often try to piss while driving  just so I could claim to make it from Austin to Lawton Oklahoma with no stops.  Until I dropped the bottle and well the bottle spilled and I couldn’t quite stop mid-stream.  As they say shit happens…but that’s another story.  keep up the blog seems to be good therapy.

  • smart ass sara

    That is equally horrifying, smart, and hilarious. 😉 

  • Shelly

    So I’ve been a creepy stalker of your blog for quite some time but have never commented because of course creepy stalkers stay silent… BUT I felt like I had to finally break the silence to let you know that you are not alone as evidenced by one of this week’s “secrets” on postsecret.com:

    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-NZT8NadZUF0/UQR_evO4pQI/AAAAAAAAXWE/YZvTsqHxsY8/s1600/iinserted.jpg

    The first line of the secret was lost in the mail but I think we can assume she either inserted or removed, either way, I hope it makes you feel a little less gross.

  • Johnmorales7319

    You adapted and over come you go girl