My boyfriend is a liar.


I’ve mentioned here, more than once that I’m I am one of (if not the) most gullible persons in the world.

Those of you who are listeners on the radio have probably heard me fall for ridiculousness first hand.

From the moment we started dating, my boyfriend has made it his mission – and quite possibly his greatest joy in life, to find out just how far he could test me.

On our first date, he told me that he grew up eating fancy feast cat food, and that it was his favorite treat.

I believed him.

Soon after our first date, he told me over gchat that he lost one of his eyes in an automobile accident. He came up with this detailed story of how his uncle was a plastic surgeon and created a special glass-eye for him that allowed him to still have ocular movement. When I asked him how he cleaned it, he told me that he was a prescribed a surgical grade of windex.

I then spent an entire afternoon staring at pictures of him on facebook and comparing them to pictures of people who had confirmed glass eyes. I even googled “surgical grade windex,” because even I knew that didn’t sound like an actual thing.

For a few weeks he kept it going. Although for obvious reasons (his eye looks perfectly normal) I suspected I was being bullshitted, I wasn’t confident enough to completely write it off.

Not that I was too shallow to date a guy with a glass eye… I just didn’t want to be like “hahahahaha you made me believe you had a glass eye,” to a person who actually did have a glass eye.

After a few dates I finally grew the balls to reach out and touch it, and found out that (of course) he has a perfectly healthy human eyeball.

So naturally, after falling for many more of his antics over the last year, I have to question most of what he tells me.

I’ve learned the hard way that he’s not adopted. He didn’t have a sister that was murdered by a goose. And that just because you can have your choice of white or dark chicken, doesn’t mean that there are different races of chickens.

The other day he tried to give me an odd piece of plastic that looks like it broke off of a vacuum. He told me that it was a really high-end head massager that he got for Christmas. While it certainly doesn’t look like any head massager that I’ve seen, I have to admit that it doesn’t feel bad when I rub it against my head.

Still, I know he’s lying and he won’t let it go.

Then he sends me this:

head massager (1)

 

 

Please put my mind at ease that I didn’t just throw away a $200 item!

I have to give him props though, the man stands by his word.

Even though most of the time his word is complete and utter bullshit.

As much as it drives me crazy, it’s a trait of his that I actually like,  especially when he lets me play along. Like the time I convinced his mom and two sisters that he was arrested in Mexico on false drug charges. Please keep in mind that this is before I had even so much as spoken to them before, much less met them.

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  • Danielle Pagani

    Looks like it’s Grade A Sky Mall material right there. Although if it were from Sky Mall they would have found some kind of way to strap it to your head for extra ridiculousness.

  • Bjswalsh

    I’d guess he’s having one off on you as the Brits say.

  • Ckc31775

    That “massager” is the little plastic thingy that comes with a UVerse modem to make it stand up on its end versus laying it horizontal (thus saving space).

  • Texason

    OMG that is so funny.  That looks like a five minute Photoshop job to me!

  • Pollypoptart

    I think it was the sister being murdered by a goose that did it for me – actually lost the plot and nearly snorted cava out of my nose.