I Hate the Cold and Desperately need a Dreambotomy.


There are very few things that I enjoy about cold weather.

In fact, I can count the only good things about cold weather on one hand.

*I don’t have to shave my legs

*Can light a fire

*Have an excuse to stay inside more than usual

*Sweats

*My boyfriend looks really hot in a beanie

Still, when I’m not curled-up under a pile of blankets like a turtle, I’ve been trying to make the best of it.

Last weekend I actually dragged my ass out of the house for a good amount of time, and guess what? I didn’t turn into a snowman.

Friday night we went to the Texas Stars game, and I found out that hockey is my new favorite sport. If you live in the Austin area, and you are looking for something fun to do, I definitely recommend  checking out a game.

For some reason, Matt was completely obsessed with this Hamburger blimp.

Later, we went to see Harmontown at Cap City. I’ll admit, by the time I got there I was a little tipsy. That doesn’t take away from the fact that it was hilarious.

After the show, someone broke into my facebook and wrote the following message to Dan Harmon:

 “Dear Dan, Thanks for being you.You my hero. You funny. I love you. Poop is brown.”

Dan, if you happen to stumble upon my little blog, I’m sorry. It wasn’t me. I don’t think.

Besides that, I’ve been spending the rest of my week trying to forget what’s been happening inside my head while I sleep.

I used to never remember my dreams. Lately I remember every horrifying detail. It makes me not want to sleep. It makes me consider calling up a psych-ward doctor from the 60’s to see if it would be possible to slice out the nightmare-inducing portion of my brain. I believe the procedure is called a dreambotomy.

The other day I dreamt that I gave birth to a baby with just a crying mouth, no eyes or nose. Then I had dreams of tiny explosive marbles that I had to run away from on only my hands. In another, my car exploded and I had to  slither my way out. I dreamt that I had to fight an evil cactus. In many, I’m stuck in a carnivale-sque world full of evil midgets whom keep stealing my shoes. I’m often searching frantically for a family member who has been kid-napped.

The worst are the ones where I’m aware that I’m sleeping, but no matter what I can’t open my eyes or move my body.

Fuck you, sleep paralysis.

Yesterday I lay on the ouch, fully aware that I had fallen asleep while watching an old episode of The Vampire Diaries. (Don’t judge).

I swore I heard the front door open, and footsteps walk to the couch around me. Then I could feel and hear the sound of a deep breath across my face. No matter how much strength I put into opening my eyes, they wouldn’t budge, until they did. And I was alone. On the couch. With Vampire Diaries playing in the background. I slept for a grand total of 9 minutes. 9 terrifying minutes.

I obviously need to change something in my life.

I’m thinking I need to find a way to bring exercise back into my life. The last time I was consistently working out was when I was doing Sunstone Yoga in Dallas. I miss it, desperately.

I’m putting it in writing here because I need the internet to hold me accountable.

2013 will be the year I get back into shape. I will start working out daily, one way or another.

Now do your job and bug me about it on facebook. Make me feel really guilty. Just don’t call me fat… I will punch you in your balls.

 

 

 

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  • http://www.allisonwrites.com/ Allison

    The hamburger blimp makes me hungry. 

  • Danielle Pagani

     If you find a good dreambotomy specialist can you email me he number? I feel your nightmare woes. (Also, my computer wants to make “dreambotomy” into “dreamboat” which totally changes the point)

  • CarissaJaded

    That’s what I said! 

  • CarissaJaded

    I don’t know, a dreamboat specialist in my life doesn’t sound so bad, Let me know if you find one of those! Deal?

  • asplenia

    I’ve heard some medicines can cause very vivid dreams but yikes! Or maybe your brain is just wrestling with some inner conflict or struggle and has decided to treat you to the nighttime movie version an alternately drugged self would experience since you won’t accommodate it during the day.

  • VEG

    Hahahaha, yep.  Dan TOTALLY won’t hold you responsible for that.  It was probably that same entity that was tiptoeing around your couch…

    Damn sleep paralysis. I get it too on occasion.  I see red devil eyes and hear hissing.  For real.  It’s not even funny.  It’s like “what the ACTUAL fuck, world?”  Then you wake up properly and they’re not there.  But the terror is. Screw that noise!

  • Danielle Pagani

     Deal.

  • CarissaJaded

    LOVE.

  • CarissaJaded

    I honestly think it’s fatigue. I’m always tired… I only sleep about 5 hours a night.. but they are the worst when I fall asleep during the day, unexpectantly. Which happens quite often.

  • CarissaJaded

    It seriously makes me not want to sleep some days! The worst is the “swoooooshing” i hear, and actually feel the air over my face.

  • Julie Moulton

    I need a Dreambotomy as well. I have terrible water, tidal wave dreams. And when I get stressed and over worked, I dream about work all night long and feel like I never even left my job. The sleep paralysis is terrifying! It’s only happened to me a few times, but it is the worst! Most people don’t even know what that is!