Before I started a life of public humiliation both on the radio and here on my blog, I spent the majority of my free time on IMDB message boards.
I know. I was one of those.
I wrote reviews for a local film website. I threatened to shave my head if I didn’t see every single film nominated for an Oscar. For years, I even dressed up in full-on evening garb to watch the award show on my couch.
I listened with salivating ears to every film related podcast. I subscribed to Creative Screenwriting and Empire magazines. I took pride in knowing the work of every minor and major film director that I admired. I spent my weekend afternoons seeing three, sometimes four, movies in a row. I chose my apartments based on how accessible they would be to my favorite art-house theater.
On occasion, I may have even cut certain people out of my life for their inability to play the game FILM.
I know for sure that certain friends of mine would roll their eyes as I put to use my ability to change any conversation to one that would better suit my wide-range of film facts.
My heart still aches for the days of obsessing over trailers and reading every article updating the status of an upcoming film. I miss entering a theater by myself early in the day, and leaving after midnight; my eyes puffy from crying and my sides aching from laughing.
I’ll never forget the day I spontaneously saw Big Fish, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Closer, all on the same afternoon. It was glorious. I entered the theater eager for popcorn and Jim Carrey; I left the theater an aspiring film writer.
I was the sort of film geek who whole-heartedly related to Cinema Paradiso‘s Salvatore. There was no greater joy than getting lost in another world. I yearned to be a part of that world. I wanted to create it. I wanted my life to somehow mirror the lives of my favorite characters. I stretched events in my mind to make them do so.
But that was me of the past.
Somewhere in the last 4 years real life started happening. I lost loved ones. I felt real depression. I got so caught up in my head, I destroyed my ability to get completely lost somewhere else.
I had always glorified the Garden State -Andrew Largemen type of depression. I imagined that if I ever found myself in such a state of despair, Deus ex Machina – or at least some form of a hero-would be my savior.
Unfortunately, I’ve learned that life doesn’t work that way. Rather than being saved by love, passion, or some other clever plot device-I had to fight my own way out. There are no easy resolutions… sometimes there are no resolutions at all. There are no happy endings tied up with a kiss and a booming score. Sometimes life just seems to stand still.
I haven’t lost my love for the art; it’s just lost a little of the magic for me. That, and I have been busy living my own life- attempting to continue to move forward and create my own stories.
Believe me, I still get a tingle in my stomach at the sound of the MGM’s lion roar, and I will always feel nostalgic for all the time I spent in movie theaters.
And I’m extremely ashamed to admit that I’ve currently only seen one of the nine Oscar nominated films this year.
The me from 4 years ago is wringing her head in sadness.
Even for a non film-buff, that seems pathetic.
Alas; live moves on, but only when I allow it to.