10 Reasons I Can’t Wait to be an Old Person


I need to let you in on a secret… this is a big one, guys. Not even my journal or my boyfriend (who has to hear my wine-induced honesty) knows about this one.

I cannot wait to be an old person.

I mean, I don’t really want to get old, because that means that unless they come up with a cure for death, I’ll be close to “for sure dying” … and I don’t want to die.

In the ideal world, I would live like an old person right now, and for 50 more years. Seriously… and here is why.

10. You can pass gas in public and no one even cares. You don’t even have to excuse yourself. The downside is that everyone already assumes that it was you.

9. You can wear eccentric, un-matching clothing in public. I can’t wait to rock the bright pink lipstick, obnoxious jewelry, blazer with a football-player-sized shoulder pads and fuzzy slippers in public.

 

8. Can finally be the crazy-petlady. I can’t do it now, because the people in my life who love me won’t allow it to happen… but one day, when everyone that I know is too old to come and visit, I can own as many pets as I want. I plan on having a 2 dogs, a monkey, several rats, a turtle, a bunny, and a llama.

 7. Won’t feel guilty about spending days upon days watching T.V.  As is, I spend a lot of my free time watching Netflix. I just always feel like I need to lie about it. When my boyfriend asks me what I’ve been doing all day, it’s always “Oh you know… lots of productive things.” Which is true. I  am just always watching something in the background. I look forward to the day when I can watch TV in the foreground, shame-free. Basically what I’m saying… is when I’m in my 70’s, prepare yourself for me to constantly be blurting out catchphrases from Scrubs and Friends. How you doooiinn?

6. Will finally be driving my age.  As is, I get honked at daily for driving well below the speed limit… I barely even notice the honks and birds anymore. I usually sit on a pillow to have a better view of the road over my steering wheel. I keep at least one blinker on at all times, even if I’m not planning on turning for a few miles. Plus, I already drive a giant station wagon. At least when I get older, these things will be expected of me.

 

5. Magically, I will learn the name of every plant and bird species. I don’t know how it will happen, or at what age I will be gifted, but it has come to my attention that at some point of time as I near becoming an elder, I will be able to identify all birds and plants. All old people know these things, and I can’t wait!

 

4. I’ll get to eat early. And cheaper. And as much as I want because old people don’t have to worry about their weight. It’s true! Up to a point, I’ll want to stay healthy, but at some point I’ll just be able say “eff it, I do want I want,” and I can order and eat 3 blue plate specials if I so desire. The only downside is the possibility that when I do die, I’ll have to be fork-lifted out of my house  like that woman in “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape.” The upside is that if I’m old and senile enough, I won’t care.

 3. Can speak my mind and be as rude as I feel like being. Don’t get me wrong, I like being a nice person. However; there are times when I would love the opportunity to truly tell someone how I feel, without having to worry about living the rest of my life with them hating me. I can’t wait for the day when I can express my true grumpus nature. No one will ever cut in line in front of me again. Telemarketers will be afraid to call me! WAHAHAHAHAH!!!

2. Discounts at the movie theater. By the time I’m in my seventies, I figure movies at the cinema will probably be around 50 bucks a pop. I know that even with my senior discount they won’t be cheap, but maybe I’ll at least be able to attend one or two viewings a month. And when I do, I’ll be able to pull my scooter up to prime sitting.

1. Will have lived to be old and wise, and will have better stories than anyone else. Because really? Why else would I want to live to be old, if I don’t have a chance to share all that I’ve learned. Every year I make a thousand mistakes, and every year I learn from at least half of them. By the time I reach my late-70’s (God willing) I hope to have at least a few people in my life to share my wisdom with. I’m so lucky to have had wonderful grandparents and great aunts and uncles in my life who have entertained hundreds of stories and truths upon my life.

 

 

 

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  • asplenia

    Hahahaha! I love ALL of these. Dying laughing especially at “Magically, I will learn the name of every plant and bird species. I
    don’t know how it will happen, or at what age I will be gifted, but it
    has come to my attention that at some point of time as I near becoming
    an elder, I will be able to identify all birds and plants. All old
    people know these things” <– LOL!