Now I don’t want to alert anyone, but I must confide in you that I’ve become aware of the fact that it is very likely that I am slowing morphing into a man.
I haven’t noticed any obvious changes… yet. But it’s been enough to make me look deeper into the situation.
I first noticed it yesterday when I opened my fridge to find this.
Some beer, a bowl of fruit that only has two limes in it, a jug of tap water, an empty chili’s salsa container, and a pizza box.
There’s really nothing too alarming about the situation until you open the pizza box. It’s empty. There is nothing in my fridge except for empty containers and beer. If that’s not man-behavior, then I don’t know what is.
To make the situation even more dire, I’ve noticed lately that I don’t even mind watching football anymore. I’ve even started to enjoy it. What’s more… I might even half-way understand it.
These could both just be coincidences, right? That’s what I tried to reassure myself. After all, I’ve been too busy to buy groceries and my boyfriend is an LSU fanatic, so that’s bound to rub off on me a little.
But then the snail incident occurred this morning, and I can no longer assume that these are a series of coincidences.
I left my tennis shoes in my car last night, so this morning when I left for work at 5:00am- I had to walk out to my car barefoot. It had rained for hours the night before, so the ground was dark and wet. For some reason whenever it’s dark outside, I feel compelled to walk in dramatic tip-toe form. I have no idea why, but it must be leftover from my years of chronic Hide and Seeking.
Anyway, I wasn’t even half-way to my car when I felt the crunch on the bottom of my right foot. I was hoping it was just a rotten acorn, but upon inspection with the light of my phone, it was clearly a very large… very smooshed snail.
But here’s the weird thing.
It didn’t even bother me. I just rubbed my foot into the concrete and went on with my morning, which isn’t like me at all. The me from three weeks ago would have dropped my lap top in the middle of the parking lot, walked on the side of my foot back to my house, and made a ruckus as I cleaned it off in the sink.
It wasn’t until later, when I remembered that I crushed a snail that put all the clues together.
I must be turning into a man.
The good news is, I’ve checked out all my lady parts, and they’re still there. And I still like watching “The New Girl,” so that’s a good sign. I’m still worried though. Something is afoot. I’ll keep you updated.
In the mean-time, while we’re on the subject of men- Have you seen Michael Fassbender’s wiener?