The people of the internet are the most revolting humans in the world


You people are disgusting.

Not you in particular… but humans in general.

I’m sure that anyone who frequents my blog on purpose is a little “off” to begin with, but I am always frightened, disgusted, and a tiny bit delighted to see what type of search terms bring people to my little old blog.

Being the people-pleaser that I am, every once in a while, I try to help the people of the internet learn about what they are searching for, or at least point them in the right direction. Which is why I’m presenting you with another edition of “People of the Internet are Revolting Excuses for Human beings.” And I promise you… these are the tamest of the search terms.

 

“Carissa Jaded fat Pictures”: There are many variations of requests for pictures that brought people here. “Carissa Jaded topless” is another top search, which I can guarantee you will not find here. Ever. But since you are so persistent and asked so politely, I’ll finally provide you with the one of the only pictures that remains on the internet of me when I was bigger.

There! Are you satisfied? It’s super duper exciting and all… It looks exactly like me but a little bit more.

“Cocktus”: According to Urban dictionary, a cocktus is either A. a penis surrounded by thick stubbly pubic hair B. A mexican penis. I usually prefer to use cocktus as it’s third listed definition- A cactus with an arm that resembles a cock. In particular, I once owned a very beloved cactus, which I named cocktus. Ironically, I forgot about it during the winter and it went completely limp on me.

Poor cocktus…

Stange light brown string in pee flow: As I’ve stated before, I’m no doctor, but I do know that if you have a string flowing out of your pee flow you either forgot about a tampon which has dirtied itself up in your nether regions, or you accidentally digested a kite.

 

Dimple in butt crack: Oh my gosh, me too! We’re butt twins!! If you’re worried about it, from what I can tell it’s no different from a chin dimple, except it’s on your butt. I used to worry that I would accidentally poop out of it, or that something would get stuck up in there, but from my experience it’s just another non-functional hole. You do, however, need to make sure that you keep it clean. Consider cleansing it every now and then with a q-tip and some alcohol (the rubbing kind) so that it doesn’t get infected. Cause when it does, it hurts to sit down. Or so I’ve heard.

 Difficult to poop on period: This shouldn’t be the case. Usually it’s the opposite. I suggest you drink a gallon of orange juice, stat.

Black round things in toilet after peeing: I’ve pondered on this one for quite a while, and I have so many questions. Did it hurt when they came out? Are they alive? What did they taste like? The best answer I can come up with is that perhaps you are a robot, programmed to believe that you are actually human. When you pee, the parts come out of your body. Or maybe it’s just kidney stones.

Orlando Jones/Jeff Goldblum: I’m glad I’m not the only one who discovered it. It’s a little known fact that Jeff Goldblum and Orlando Jones are actually twins…I know what you’re thinking… “But Carissa, one is black and the other is white!” I know! It’s the eighth wonder of the world. Google them. They have the exact same face!

 

Funny sneeze: All sneezes are funny. Especially when the act of sneezing induces pee… or something else. I laugh particularly hard when a sneeze is aimed directly at a loved ones face. But humor is subjective. Here’s one that’s a mix between funny and cute.


 

After i pee, when i wipe there is poop on the toilet paper:  Honey, I’m gonna teach you what should have been taught many years ago. Always wipe front to back. Always. If this doesn’t correct the problem, then congrats! You’ve started your period!!

 

How to get women to play with my pee pee: 1). Stop calling your winkie a “pee pee”. 2). Save up a generous amount of money. 3). Purchase a good amount of wine. 4). Learn to massage. 5). Throw out every Nickleback CD and graphic tee that you own. 4). Adopt a dog. 5). Clean your sheets 6). Hang out on 6th Street.

*You may be able to skip steps 1-5

** I hear the Popcorn bag trick also works.

 

I hope that helped! Until next time, sickos.

 

 

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  • http://www.allisonwrites.com/ Allison

    HOLY CRAP ORLANDO JONES AND JEFF GOLDBLUM *ARE* TWINS!

    My best friend in middle school pronounced Goldblum as it’s spelled. It tickled me to death, and now I can’t say it any other way.

  • Hillbillyduhn

    I haven’t been to blogland in a long while.  And here I come back to you, and you are just as hilarious as always!  Thank you. I laughed so hard I farted.