That time I almost beat a woman to death with frozen chicken…

I had a million plans to write something of substance today, but I got sidetracked by the dire need to bake home- made oatmeal cookies. My boyfriend’s roommate has been out of town for the last couple of weeks so I’ve been spending a lot of time at his house, which triggers that teeny-tiny “Susie-Homemaker” part of my brain.

I day dream that he’ll be able to come home to a clean house and a perfectly cooked fancy meal in the oven complete with desert made from scratch.

I usually get as far as gathering the ingredients before I realize that he would be much happier to come home to a house that hasn’t been burnt to a crisp and a kitchen that doesn’t look like a hurricane went through it, and so I now wait for him to get home to cook me dinner. I’m pretty sure that makes me the best girlfriend ever.

Besides, I got too angry at the grocery store to even think about cooking.

I was standing in a daze, blankly staring at millions of different types of rices, when someone let out an angry sigh and BANGED her cart at me to let me know she couldn’t get by.

THAT BITCH BANGED HER CART AT ME!!! What happened to a world where people say “excuse me”??? Hell, tap me on the shoulder if you need to but don’t bitch-grocery cart bang me! I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE just how frustrating people can be at the grocery store, believe me. I’m never angrier then when I get stuck behind a slow walker or a stand-in-the-middle-of-the-aisle-er. But when I inevitably come across one, I’m polite about it.

Initially I moved out of the way and apologized, but after she turned around to give me one last glare, something inside me snapped.

I waited a few minutes then followed that cuntankerous old ninny around the store for 15 minutes, letting my cart hit the back of her heels. When she turned around and started yelling at me I picket up a giant bag of frozen chicken and started banging her upside the head until she started to cry. At that point, I grabbed a baguette and shoved it down her throat until she begged me to let her live.

So that only happened in my head… but I swear, I’m stunned more and more by the audacity of people every day. At first I was just noticing it on every corner of the internet… On blog posts criticizing someone’s opinions or writing style, on photographs-pointing out every flaw in appearance.

We get it a lot on the show I work on. People write in to let us know how something we said was stupid, or that we are a waste of space. Not that long ago, I got an email from an anonymous person, letting me know how much he hated my voice, my stories, and that the world would be a better place had I been in it. That doesn’t even bother me so much anymore.

If someone is so sad and lonely that they have to spend their afternoon letting someone who plays a character on a radio show know their opinions, then I feel bad for them. Sure, I spent an hour trying to track them down on the internet, but had I found them- I probably would have just “poked” them on facebook and went on with my day.

I just don’t understand why people go out of their way to try and make someone feel bad. It’s everywhere. I know that lady I encountered today was probably having a bad day, and honestly it wouldn’t have bothered me at all, but I had just spent hours on the internet reading horrible stories about people who had been bullied-and it really made me sad.

Have I spent my whole life disillusioned in believing that people are inherently good? That the majority of people want others, even strangers to be happy?

In the end, I somehow found myself behind that lady in line. I had small basket full of goods and she had a giant cart stuffed to the brim. She didn’t notice as I listened to her rudely accuse the cashier of charging her twice for a canned good. I waited patiently as she went over every item on her receipt. We finally caught eyes before she turned to leave. I took a deep breath, smiled, and told her to have a good day.

And now, after spending a half hour venting about the experience, I feel pretty damn good about myself. I don’t have to let anyone get me down. After all, she probably has to go home to a horrible husband who makes her cook dinner every night while he watches tv.







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  • Sarahsmile3

    Part of me wishes you actually did follow her in the store, hitting the back of her heals with your cart. 

  • Carissa McAtee

    I know! That part I seriously thought about.

  • Gabejimenez

    Poor Carissa :(
    If it makes you feel any better, I think you’re funny on the air and I’ve been listening since 98′. My 14 year old daughter doesn’t really care for the show but every time you are on she can’t help but listen to you. She’s absolutely facinated with you and says she thinks you’re the greatest…then she gets mad at the guys for being mean to you.
    Keep your head up girl.