Time seems to be a recurring theme for me this week. This whole month really.
I guess it all started when I turned thirty.
I know by the comments that I have received by those of you over thirty, that thirty isn’t really that big of a deal.
And I agree with you…. but try telling that to the 15 year old me.
By the time I was thirty I was supposed to have it all figured out.
By my 15 year old standards, I was to have a successful career as an actress, be a published writer, and thriving marriage to Joey Fatone. Of course my expectations gradually changed throughout the years, and even more quickly when I graduated college. Actually, by the time I graduated college I had lost nearly all expectations of what life would bring me.
Now? I’m quite content where I am. Sure, I’d like to make more money without working 3 consecutive jobs and I’d love to be in the position to buy a car or own a home. But I feel like I’m finally back on a path to wear I’ve always wanted to be. I’m in a city and a job that both meet my needs creatively. I have a wonderful boyfriend whom I’m enjoying taking my time getting to know. I’m performing and doing choreography in an amazing improv community. I’m enjoying creating sketches and getting to work with some extremely talented film makers. Some days, for the first time ever, I feel like I have an idea of where I’d like to be in five years.
Then today I watched this video and it put all these reflective, crazy thoughts in my brain. This guy took a picture a day for five whole years. His appearance transitions drastically throughout the video, and it just got me thinking about how much his life must have changed throughout the way.
I’ve spent the day reflecting on the last five years of my life.
In some ways, everything has changed. I’ve had 4 different jobs. I’ve lost 120 pounds. I’ve moved cities. Boys and friends have come in and out of my life. I cut bangs, grew them out, and then cut them again. I blogged everyday, then completely quit writing all together. I’ve lived in 7 different homes.
Even so, if I really put things in perspective, maybe not all that much has changed so much as I have adjusted. I have grown.
Most of the people who were important to me five years ago, are still some of the most important people of my life. My best friends are now scattered across the country, but they are still the women I would turn to in moments of pain or joy. For a while, I didn’t really care where my career took me. As long as I was doing something creative in my life, I felt satisfied.
Now, the desire to create, to do, is stronger than ever. Perhaps the seeds to become who I am today were planted more than five years ago. Maybe fifteen year old me wasn’t so wrong after all, just a little over zealous. I mean, I don’t see myself married to Joey Fatone any time soon, but I still have the same passions for writing and performing as I did fifteen years ago.
But what about in five more years? Will I still be performing? Will I still want to be? Will I have the same goals? The same relationships and friendships? Will I want children? Will I own a home?
I have no idea. If the past has taught me anything, everything will simultaneously change and stay the same. Relationships will continue to develop and some will fall away. I’ll have new goals and desires. But the dreams and ideals that were planted early in my life are really difficult to shake.